Third chance possible?

[rayblueline]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm looking for some advice from members of this community on how I should approach my ex to try and get back together with her.

 

Here's the background on my situation:

 

I met her at work and we fell in love very quickly and it was quite magical, we dated for about seven months, but the communication was not very good and she seemed to want more from me than I was willing to give and we broke up.

 

About three months later, she started going out with someone else and I realized that I wanted her back... I was able to win her back and for a few months everything was wonderful but after awhile the communication was not very good... her requests for more intimacy seemed like anxiety and criticisms and my response that she should just not worry about it and give it time felt to her like I was brushing her off. And so she felt like the relationship was "not enough" and called it off. I protested, I said that she should just give it time but she still wanted to end it.

 

For six months after that, we continued to spend a lot of time together -- more time than either of us spent with anyone else, boyfriend and girlfriend-type time, everything but sexual intimacy -- she was always resistant when I brought up the idea of getting back together but it seemed to me like we were making progress. I didn't do anything extravagant or showy, since I had used those kind of things to get her back before and just wanted to take a slow-and-steady approach to winning her back.

 

But then about two months ago, she suddenly became hard to get in contact with for a few days... finally when I did get in touch with her, she revealed she was seeing someone else. I started making mistakes right away: I flipped out, sped over to her place, fell down crying, etc. This made her not want to talk to me for about two weeks. When we did talk, I told her that I wanted her back, that our relationship had a bright future, but she said didn't want me to try and win her back. So I said OK.

 

A week or two after that, she was actually inviting me to lunch and going to coffee with me, calling me on the phone for computer advice and so forth, and I was keeping my cool. But then she sent me an email saying she would be bringing a date to a work event and I flipped out again, calling and crying.

 

The next day, I told her I didn't think I could be friends with her, deleted her from my MySpace top friend list, etc. And then the day after the event, I sent her a last plea-type email to which she responded negatively, but it was a response, so I responded to that, she responded negatively again etc... As a result, I sort of realized the issue is not that she doesn't love me or in her heart want to be with me but that she doesn't have any trust that things would be different, that her heart is scarred from having tried to reach me and feeling unheard... well, I kept pushing with emails and notes and stuff, apologizing for issues in our relationship and pleading for her to listen to her heart... all a big mistake, I was just not thinking... finally I realized this was a mistake after about a week of this and told her that my recent behavior had been totally unacceptable and only confirmed that she was right to leave and right not to take me back. I suggested that maybe we could start over "in some way" in a couple months and that's where things are at right now.

 

My plan is to go no communication (except for professional/friendly stuff in the workplace) and try to address the issues about myself that made our relationship fail and approach her again in two months for a casual lunch date, then try to get into a position where she knows I have changed, that I still care about her and want to be with her, and that I am there for her without any of the pleading or neediness that I have displayed recently. That way if things ever don't work out with the new guy, I am in a good position. From what I can tell, they are still in the honeymoon phase and she is getting a lot of the things that she wanted from our relationship that were absent but that she really wanted (lots of activities, travel, etc.) and the likelihood is that it will still be going strong in two months, but that is the best plan that I can come up with at this point.

 

My question: Does this seem like a good plan or should I be trying to let go of her entirely?

[madgun68]

I think your plan is sound enough, so long as you do it for YOURSELF and not her. If you aren't doing this for you, this could lead to problems later on. Really.. Focus on just you for now. It will probably be difficult, but it will be a lot easier if you keep yourself busy.

 

Two months is a good start. Re-evaluate yourself at that time and really question if you think you've changed enough.