Second Chances, can they work?

[Living_For_Me]

For those who don't know my story look at my previous threads.

 

The point of this new thread is to find out if it is possible for things to work out the second time round.

 

Long story short my g/f of 3.5 years left me for some other guy, has realised they aren't compatible and wants to give us a second chance. She claims she can't see a future with him but can see one with me and that i'm the one she eventually wants to marry (big call considering we're both only 21).

 

My issues are:

 

* Can she be trusted? (she lied to my face about her feelings for this other guy)

 

* Are her intentions pure? (or is she just telling me what i want to hear so that i'll take her back)

 

* Does she really miss what we had or is it just that the other guy wasn't everything she bargained for and all of a sudden i don't look so bad.

 

* Is she just afraid of being alone?

 

She says she will do whatever it takes to gain my trust back, but i'm skeptical and i'm not a huge believer in second chances.

 

Any insight would be much appreciated, i've been thinking about this for the past 2 days straight and my usual logical thought process is "out of order" because of the emotional investment of a 3.5 year relationship.

[madgun68]

To be honest, there's just no way to make a call on this one way or another.

 

I looked at your previous post on the subject. You said that she was "curious" about other people. I guess the question is, was that satisfied just by seeing one other person?

 

In my opinion, no.. This will have the potential to come up again at some point. Being curious about what else is out there just doesn't seem like something that finds an answer after one person.

 

Ask yourself honestly? Do you feel you can trust her completely?

 

Maybe you both should decide on a break away from each other.. Perhaps even if it means seeing other people. Find out if, after that, you really do feel the same way about each other.

[polywog]

I agree with taking a break. In her case, it doesn't sound if she's been alone long enough to know what she wants. She replaced you, now she wants to replace him back with you. Too much switching around.

[Living_For_Me]

To be honest i'm not sure if i could trust her again. I'm the kind of person that will hold a grudge forever. However, having been in this relationship and now facing the prospect of taking her back it would appear that perhaps i don't actually hold grudges forever. These relationships do strange things....lol

 

I've also recently just found out that she has yet to leave this other guy and it does seem like she is making sure i'll be around before she breaks it off with him (that's how i interpret the actions anyway).

 

This is quite the dilemma. I can see forever with this girl but i'm having real trouble looking beyond the pain that has been caused and the trust issues.

[McFadden]

That doesn't sound right about her remaining in the relationship with the other guy until she gets an answer from you. It is selfish and a bad sign when people do that.

 

If you really want to take her back you should I guess, at least you will have eternal ammo.

[madgun68]

It sounds to me like she's confused.. She hasn't sorted this out yet, and is scared that you might not be there for her if it turns out it really is you that she wants.

 

You also need some time. Right now, you can't trust her and you need to search yourself to find the answer. Could you trust her again? Completely?

 

Right now, I honestly think you both need time to sort things out individually.

[Living_For_Me]

Madgun.

 

I agree i don't think she has sorted this out. I think she does need to be on her own for a while to figure out of this is indeed what she really wants and to be sure that her coming back isn't just a knee jerk reaction because this new guy wasn't what she bargained for.

 

I too need time. This isn't a decision i can come to lightly. I made it quite clear that if we were to ever get back together it would be a life building commitment that would eventuate to getting engaged etc etc.

 

Does anyone have an actual real life example of things working out the second time round? How did you overcome the issue of trust and how long did it take to put the daemons of the past to rest?

 

I want to make sure i consider this situation from every angle so i can make an informed and rational decision.

[hurting_in_nw]

Dude, she sounds exactly like my XW, who ended up cheating on me after 8 years together. Break it off for a while, meet some new chicks, see what else is out there for YOU. These "grass is greener" women never seem to be satisfied...save yourself the grief and find someone who will be sure of what she's found in you.

[Living_For_Me]

I have to admit ALL signs point to NO. The sign says this can't and won't work......ever.

 

I made a list today of all the reasons this can and cannot work. (this is a great way to put perspective and some sense of rationality to situation like this btw, i'd encourage anyone in a similar situation to do the same). The list anyway also pointed to a resounding NO. 4 reasons it could perhaps work Vs. 16 reasons i can't go back.

 

However, there is a part of me that thinks adversity can be overcome and issues sorted.

 

While i was thinking today i asked myself whether it was her i missed or is it that i miss loving and being loved by someone. I honestly didn't know. How can i be sure of something like this?

[Living_For_Me]

I'm not sure what has happened in the last few hours but i've come to a solid realisation that a second chance isn't what this girl deserves nor is it what i want.

 

Something has clicked and i'm not quite sure what it is.

 

I feel actually quite liberated at the moment.

[hurting_in_nw]

Good for you bro. Stay strong!

[CaliGuy]

When you respect yourself, you won't want a second chance.

Nor will you give one.

[Living_For_Me]

Ok. My epiphany from last night was short lived.

 

She contacted me and now all of a sudden i'm not sure. She sounded so genuine on the phone and that she would be willing to do whatever it takes for us to work again.

 

I guess i'm not quite where i thought i was last night.

[littlebopeep]

Ok. My epiphany from last night was short lived.

 

She contacted me and now all of a sudden i'm not sure. She sounded so genuine on the phone and that she would be willing to do whatever it takes for us to work again.

 

I guess i'm not quite where i thought i was last night.

 

 

Please dont rush into anything,its far too soon to make such a big decision.Things didnt work out between her and the other guy and she knows or thinks she has you as a back up.

 

What happens if you get back together and some1 else comes along who she takes a fancy to?As much as it hurts you dont let her do this to you,it will prevent you from moving on.

 

I wrote a thread on here when i went through a similar thing so i know how you are feeling.Basically,I was with my ex for 2 years when he ended it out of the blue saying he needed to be on his own to study etc,i was devastated because I didnt see it coming at all.

 

2 Months later he came back saying that he was so miserable without me and realised he wanted to spend his life with me.I heard rumours when we got back together that he had been seen with other people but he always convinced me otherwise.

 

It did cause arguments from time to time but if we were trying again i needed to learn to trust him.We opened a joint savings account ans talked about our future and the next 2.5 years we were so happy.

 

He had to go away for a year on placement but although we were sad,we loved each other enough to get through it (or so i thought).He phoned me every night and sent me texts many times a day saying how much he loved and missed me,everything was going great.

 

He had been gone 5 weeks and it was arranged i was going to see him for a week.When i got there he was so happy to see me and the next few days were amazing.3 days before i was due home he ended things saying he needed to be on his own again.Said that he still loved/was in love/fancied me but he didnt think it would work out.

 

I still dont know to this day what happened.He would phone me crying saying he was sorry,questioning if he had made the right decision but it was just giving me hope.

 

I was asked out on dates from so many people but i turned them down because i truly hoped he would change his mind.I had good friends who were there for me and on night when i was alone crying,i asked myself if i could ever trust him again.

 

He was so loving and caring and that never faltered.People say when you look back you realise you missed vital signs,i look back and i still didnt see any reason for him to end it,we were still as close as ever.

 

If i ever got back with him,how could i tell the signs of him ending it again when there werent any?The reason ive told you my story is to let you know that you need to be number1 in your partners life not second best.

 

Its been 9 months since my ex ended it and after a few months on my own i started going out on dates,spending more time with friends etc.Ive recently met some1 who i think alot of as he does me but its early days yet.I had to accept it was over with my ex,i dont regret being with him but have realised that once they feel the need to look elsewhere then its over.no going back.

 

Good luck.Be strong and i hope you make the right decision for you.

[Living_For_Me]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think i definitely should take the time to consider what is the best thing for me at the moment.

 

Little problem though. Tomorrow night (2/06/07) we're going to be at the same party and i can't avoid going because it's to celebrate one of my best mates 21st birthday. (she was invited by my mates g/f as they are rather close. As you could imagine i'm not impressed).

 

She says she wants to "talk" at some point during the party.

 

I'm not scared about seeing her but i am scared that seeing her will bring all those emotions back.

 

I guess the best thing i can do is just have a great time like nothing has happened.

 

Any thoughts?

[stace79]

I am seeing how things go in a second chance with this guy right now. He had a previous relationship of 4+ years, and he still had feelings for her. She never wanted to commit until she found out he and I were getting serious. Then miraculously she started pursuing him like crazy.

 

He told me he still had feelings for her and had to resolve those, which meant we broke up and he started talking to her to "feel out" the situation. About a month to a month and a half later, he came to me, telling me she is not the right person for him, that he and I have all these things in common, we have similar goals in life, he loves me and wants to be with only me, etc. etc.

 

I am attempting at a second chance now, and I will tell you, it is infinitely hard. This guy never lied to me about his feelings for the other person, and it's still hard to trust him. However, things he's done right are:

• Being completely forthright about any communication from her to him
  
• Telling me he would do anything at all to earn my trust and make me feel secure including ceasing all communication with her (he's sort of done that anyway, even though I haven't asked)
  
• He told her they weren't right for each other and he thought they were just meant to be good friends BEFORE he told me he wanted me back, so I knew he wasn't just testing the waters
  
• Every day, he goes out of his way to do things he didn't do last time we were together, like calling or texting regularly, telling me he misses me, inviting me to visit his parents' place with him

I guess you have to make the first decision of whether a second chance is even a possibility from where YOU stand. Can you trust her, and would you want to? Do you honestly feel she is "forever" material, or is it just that it felt so good and right at the time?

 

Secondly, if you do decide to try again, she should be going out of her way to make you feel first priority and secure. She definitely should have broken up with this guy already, and in my opinion, she should cease communication with him. I think that would be one non-negotiable for me in your situation.

 

I think you can see if you close your ears and open your eyes. Stop listening to words, because they don't mean much if actions don't back them up. This is your life she's messing with, so tread carefully.

[CaliGuy]

Dont talk to her much if you can avoid it.

Don't talk about the relationship.

Don't let her see you sweat.

 

Just be calm, confident and self-assured. You don't need her. You know that. Remind yourself of this fact when you talk. Remind yourself of her bad qualities so that you don't let your emotions overcome your rationale.

[hardcase]

For those who don't know my story look at my previous threads.

 

The point of this new thread is to find out if it is possible for things to work out the second time round.

 

Long story short my g/f of 3.5 years left me for some other guy, has realised they aren't compatible and wants to give us a second chance.

 

Translation: things didn't work out with the other guy she thought was sooo great enough to screw you over for....she is using you as 2nd fiddle.

 

She claims she can't see a future with him but can see one with me and that i'm the one she eventually wants to marry (big call considering we're both only 21).

 

So she basically dumps someone she can see herself marrying so she can have her fun with this guy only to come back to you when she has had her fill?....don't let it happen man!!

 

My issues are:

 

* Can she be trusted? (she lied to my face about her feelings for this other guy)

 

No...she can't be trusted.

 

* Are her intentions pure? (or is she just telling me what i want to hear so that i'll take her back)

 

If her intentions were pure about you being the kind of guy she wants to marry, she wouldn't have dumped you so she can go off and have her fun.

 

* Does she really miss what we had or is it just that the other guy wasn't everything she bargained for and all of a sudden i don't look so bad.

 

You all of a sudden don't look so bad...and she thinks she can play you for a fool...don't let her.

 

* Is she just afraid of being alone?

 

Maybe...but who cares?...you shouldn't thats for sure.

 

She says she will do whatever it takes to gain my trust back, but i'm skeptical and i'm not a huge believer in second chances.

 

You are in a great situation...you are young..not married, no kids with this girl....I say move on. Hindsight is 20/20...and my vision is perfect. If I had the knowledge when I was your age(actually we were older than you) that I have now...I'd have moved on and found someone else.

 

Any insight would be much appreciated, i've been thinking about this for the past 2 days straight and my usual logical thought process is "out of order" because of the emotional investment of a 3.5 year relationship.

 

You will go through the emotions that you don't think you can live without her...believe me...YOU CAN AND WILL!!

 

You don't need to start a life with someone you will always be wondering who she wants to jump next. You are too young and you have your whole life ahead of you....start it with someone you can trust.

[hardcase]

It sounds to me like she's confused.. She hasn't sorted this out yet, and is scared that you might not be there for her if it turns out it really is you that she wants..

 

Good...she needs to be scared...and he needs to not be there for her.

 

he's young...my advice is move on.

[Living_For_Me]

Hi All

 

Sorry it has been so long since i last posted in this thread, been busy with exams and what not.

 

Anyway the inevitable meeting between my ex and i at a mutual friends 21st was rather civilised. I was cool, calm and collected. We had a chat and it was like the past 6 months never happened.

 

Anyway while we were talking she always wanted me to sit next to her, next thing she's clinging tightly on to my hand, one thing leads to another and we ended up kissing rather passionately at the front of this party.

 

I told her i didn't want to hear from her unless she breaks it off with her new b/f. But to be honest i think she has just gone and proved that she can't be trusted. I mean she has just gone and cheated on her new b/f and i'm positive she hasn't even told him 4 weeks down the track.

 

All i can think of now is that i have the joker. Should i tell her new b/f what happened between us as "friendly advice" that she can't be trusted or should i just forget about it and let the universe sort this out?

[Pixie-Minx]

Let the universe sort it out, if thats what she does she will enevitably do it again, i think everyday how i would love to tell my ex's new gf what he is really like but i know i would never do it. never meddle.....it will all come out in the wash and you will look like the bigger person for staying clear.

It may work out in time.........but be very very wary!

[Living_For_Me]

Pixie, you're absolutely right, i think it would take a bigger man to let this slide, move on and let the universe sort this out. I'm sure karma will rear its head soon enough.

 

Meanwhile she hasn't contacted me for quite sometime and it gets easier every day .