icemaiden Posted May 27, 2007 Share Posted May 27, 2007 HI I hope you can help. I have a major hang up with my boyfriend and Im due to get married in about 10 weeks. My boyfriend has always found it hard to deal with emotional stuff because he says its "just not him". Our wedding has been booked for 2 years and we are due to marry in about 10 weeks however life at home at the moment is unbearable. We both live together in our own house and both work. His work is quite stressful. Recently over the last few months our relationship has just gone from bad to worse - we rarely even speak now as it just ends up in a row. He spends all his time/money in the pub with his mates and im fed up. Now ive found out hes stared to lie about it, like, find excuses to go out and then end up down the pub with his mates and then if I ring him eg; if hes really late he doesnt pick up his phone. He never takes me out anymore or if he does we go out with his mates - never us on our own I cant remember the last time we had a "date". We went out last week and none of his mates were out and I made a comment about being not that bad being out with just me and then he spent the next ten minutes frantically texting his mates to find out where they were. He's always been a very private person, I havent got a clue eally about what he was like before I met him, he never shows his feelings about anything. He tells me he loves me but everything he does tells me he doesnt. We have sex about once every 2 months and when we are at home just chilling out or watching tele we either sit in silence or he falls asleep - this is my life! I know something is troubling him I can tell but if I ever mention about feeling unloved/undesireable he just starts shouting at me saying "Its always my fault isnt it" and storms out to the pub (surprise surprise). Ive asked him if he still loves me and if he still wants to get married and he says he does but his attitude/refusal to talk about whats going on and our little time together tells me otherwise. I said to him yesterday about out little time together and he blamed it on my working hours becuase I work 2 late nights a week - not on the fact that the nights im not working and Im at home he's out with his mates andn ot spending quality time with me. Im not asking him to become a hermit, Ilike his friends too but even one night a week just the 2 of us having quality time together - is that too much? We dont cuddle in bed, hes only affectionate in public, its like its a show to everyone and I cant bear it anymore. Any advice would be great. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted May 27, 2007 Share Posted May 27, 2007 I had doubts before my wedding too, actually through every major change in our relationship. What I've realised after 3 years of marriage is that I should have listened to those doubts. You're obviously unhappy with the way your relationship is at the moment, is this really the way you want to spend the rest of your life? I know it's always easier to give advice when you're on the outside but I say call off the wedding, or at least postpone it. Don't just go through with it because you've spent two years planning and there's nothing 'seriously' wrong with your relationship. If you're not happy now, you won't be happy after you're married. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 1, 2007 Share Posted June 1, 2007 I can only tell you that if he's acting like this now it will get much worse after you marry. Don't do it! Chances are he is feeling trapped. I don't want to hurt you but if you re-read your post what advice would you give someone who's fiance is acting this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icemaiden Posted June 8, 2007 Author Share Posted June 8, 2007 I can only tell you that if he's acting like this now it will get much worse after you marry. Don't do it! Chances are he is feeling trapped. I don't want to hurt you but if you re-read your post what advice would you give someone who's fiance is acting this way. Hi Thanks for the advice. The thing is I know hes "the one". If I could just get through to him then everything would be perfect. He says he wants to marry me too - I just dont (a) wantto marry someone who can act like a total stranger sometimes, and (b) end up getting divorced a few years down the line. I beleive marriage is for life and so does he. Maybe if I wrote him a letter? He knows I love him deeply. I havent changed, I have a good body I present myself well. When we go out if I get attention from any other guys he gets really jealous so I know something is there. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Hi Thanks for the advice. The thing is I know hes "the one". If I could just get through to him then everything would be perfect. No offense, but have you ever heard the phrase 'love is blind'. Why do you want to marry someone you still feel the need to 'get through to'. Obviously it's up to you, but I would recommend pre-marriage counselling at the very least. You have to stop thinking with your heart, think with your head. Love aside is he really the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? He's already lying to get away, and he seem's more interested in letting everyone else know that you're his then showing you genuine affection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icemaiden Posted June 10, 2007 Author Share Posted June 10, 2007 do you think Im more of a trophy partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Even if he were the one in theory, he is not in practice. You are unhappy with your daily life, and you want to change him. So the idea that he is the one is in your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 do you think Im more of a trophy partner? I don't know about trophy partner. You have to wonder though why he can only show you affection in public. Even if he says that he loves you, and maybe he does in his own way, it's not enough for you. It sounds to me that deep down you know that you won't be happy married to him, but you still love him so you're going to give it a shot. If you have doubts you should call it off, it's a lot easier getting married then it is to get divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Italia Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Don't take offense, but is it possible he might be a closet gay? I mean, you only have sex once every couple months and you're getting married? Add to that the fact he wants to spend time with his 'mates' all the time? (I take it they're guys, right.) I'm sorry but I think he might be gay and likes hanging out with the guys because he's attracted to them. That's really the only thing that makes sense here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icemaiden Posted June 12, 2007 Author Share Posted June 12, 2007 Ive even thought that but when I mentioned it I got a big no but to be honest im pretty sure he isnt. Its liketonight Ive come home from work and hes lying on the sofa nodding off to sleep nothing has been done around the house so weve got no time together because hes moaning he's tired - but he wasnt tiredenough to go out straight from work?!?!?! Am goingto talk to him tomorrow. Im going to give him til the weekend to tell me where I stand/our relationship stands, if he wont talk its byebye. The annoying thing is is that I dont think he thinks there is anythign wrong - I think he just sees it as me nagging!! AARRGHH Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted June 13, 2007 Share Posted June 13, 2007 Am goingto talk to him tomorrow. Im going to give him til the weekend to tell me where I stand/our relationship stands, if he wont talk its byebye. The annoying thing is is that I dont think he thinks there is anythign wrong - I think he just sees it as me nagging!! AARRGHH Sorry Icemaiden but why are you waiting on him to tell you where your relationship stands? Talk about your relationship sure, but don't depend on him to make the decision about whether to stay or go. Link to post Share on other sites
ritamae Posted June 13, 2007 Share Posted June 13, 2007 OK. First, take a few deep breaths. Is it possible he is just not feeling the connection these days? Guys are really into that connection. My advice? Go buy yourself a new outfit. Find some places to go out with your friends. Be a happy person. Be the happy person he fell in love with. He will be attracted to you again. I am sure you are stressed to the max right now. Do something for yourself and then maybe do something nice for him. Make him want to be home instead of at a bar. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 Major flags here. Going out with the mates. Turning the cell off. Distancing himself from you. Something "troubling" him. No sex. Blaming you and exploding when you try to talk to him. Every time you go out, his "friends" have to be there also. My just newly ended relationship (of 13 years) had the same signs. The very same. I saw them all. Except we were still having sex. I don't know what they are signs of though. I really haven't taken it upon myself to snoop and find out. And most likely I won't. Evidently I don't care enough to. Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted July 6, 2007 Share Posted July 6, 2007 If I could just get through to him then everything would be perfect. He says he wants to marry me too - I just dont (a) wantto marry someone who can act like a total stranger sometimes, and (b) end up getting divorced a few years down the line. I beleive marriage is for life and so does he. Maybe if I wrote him a letter? Women have been marrying men, hoping to change them into the "perfect partner" since the beginning of time. It does NOT work. Find the right man, don't find a man and then try to make him "right". If he likes to drink with his friends, he will always like to do that. He may stop for you, but then he will not really be doing that which he wants to do, and will resent you for it. If he only wants to sleep with you every 60 days, and doesn't really cuddle much, it will always be that way - you will not change his true nature. You may be able to get him to sleep with you weekly "to make you happy", or to say the right things more often, etc., but is forced behavior modification really what you want out of a lifelong relationship? You need to let him be who he is, and either that is good enough for you, or it isn't. There are reasons why the divorce rate is well over 60% in some areas, and the "he is an 75% fit, and with just a little work, I can "get through" to him, and make him perfect" mentality is one of the big reasons why. You may love him, I don't doubt that. What you have to ask yourself is whether you love him enough to accept him the way he is, and more importantly, whether you can be happy with things being no better than the way they are now, forever. Marriage solidifies relationships, and can make a great thing more permanent, but it is not a tool for fixing bad or mediocre relationships where one or both partners are not really happy. In those cases, marriage eventually just makes things worse. I agree with your sentiment that marriage is for life. This is why I usually tell people that if they have doubts, just don't do it. Listen to your heart, but also to your mind. No relationship is perfect, but if the person you are with does not make you happy most of the time, and certainly a lot more often than he makes you sad, or gives you pause about the relationship, then you have no business getting married. He tells me he loves me but everything he does tells me he doesnt. We have sex about once every 2 months and when we are at home just chilling out or watching tele we either sit in silence or he falls asleep - this is my life! And if you marry him, it will be your life 5 years from now, 10 years from now, and for the rest of your life, if or until you get a divorce, probably with a child or two between you (which you will have to "make things better", even though they never actually do), who will grow up in a divided household. I hate saying things like this, but it's true. I realize this post is rather blunt, but there is no nice way to say these things, and if any of it sinks in, it may save you a lot of pain in the long run. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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