Back together but better?

[anna13]

Hi,

well , you can check out my previous posts to learn more but basically my husband and I were seperated, he left because he was "stresses" .. then with alot of effort from me and "some" from him he has moved back in .

I was concerned about him and my teenager but that has been going very well the past few months . they seem to be kinda buddy buddy right now , I am not complaning .

 

Our relationship is "ok" I would say . nothing special , I have to say , every day that goes by the worse I feel about our marriage. he is moody , and is still defensive . I swear i think sometimes he lost his mind somewhere along the way . I dont feel like i can be open and honest about everything because he is too "sensitive " about it. I think about divorce everyday . I want to stay together and be happy but I find that I am not happy with him . I still feel betrayed that he left , that just wont leave me . everytime he gets moody I just get so pissed but I keep it inside because I dont want a fight in front of the kids ( which hasnt happend yet).

 

I find myself looking at other guys thinking that I can do better than my husband . I have never thought like that before . I feel so happy thinking about being with someone else sometimes. my husband is not really kind to me all the time . I know I can do better. but I am definitly confused and scared. I want to save this marriage , but yet i cant do all the work to save it . my husband stresses out easily so I cant really talk to him about it . <BR>

when we were seperated all I wanted was for us to be together again . now that we are together , I dont feel the same about him . and when I try to feel the same about him as before he always does something or says something to just make me :sick:sick .

 

 

i miss him , who he used to be , but i have a feeling that guy is long gone. all that is left is this kinda empty arrogant , selfish , and kinda lost it man . he gets defensive at almost anything i bring up that concerns me and he snaps and then the next minute he is smiling at a tv show.. I just look at him like .. what do i like about this guy?

 

tomoro he says he wants to take us to the movies and then maybe carnival. sometimes I feel like he is playing a role and not really living the role if you know what I mean . i know he is trying , but it seems so thought through I dont trust it.

My kids are so happy and balanced with him around but not me , I feel annoyed by him . stressed out by him . when he calls I roll my eyes. I don't want to raise the kids myself , and that almost always happend with women , also I dont want to hurt my kids. especially my young toddler who I love and adore. I figure just wait a few years , see if i feel differently.

 

sometimes I wonder if it was a good idea to have him move back in . I dont know now. he hasnt been a terrible husband , but something has changed in me too I guess. while he was gone I feel like I found myself and now , I just dont want to feel like someone is going to take that away . I feel opressed. I am starting to lose my belief in marriage in general . it annoys me because I wonder what is marriage anyway ? just a ring and a piece of paper . one day my husband said your such a good wife ( i had just finished the dishes) .. I did not take it as a compliment , but I am sure that is what he thought he was giving me . I took it as ... good wife , you mean like good dog . good boy ! good job! .. BS.

 

 

I am going on and on and I am sorry for that, I am very confused and angry . he is trying and I guess i better just tolerate it . my friend told me once, it is either you want to be with him or not . there is no maybe . but i am stuck with confusion. anyway thanks for listening.

 

 

the moral here... maybe if someone wants to go then you should just let them go. lets hope things get better in my mind because deep inside i think I do want to stay married.

[GreenEyedLady]

I didn't see anywhere that you two are in MC...I think that if you really want to stay married and make your daily living happier and satisfying, you need to seek out a third party who can give you strategies for making your M healthy...

 

Also, I think you should try IC...Your feelings are your feelings...and you need to be allowed to feel them...

 

Marriage shouldn't just be "tolerable"...and apparently it isn't tolerable from what you've written here...and you can't just hope for things to get better...you both have to be an active part in helping to make it work...

 

(((HUGS)))

[ilmw]

I didn't see anywhere that you two are in MC...I think that if you really want to stay married and make your daily living happier and satisfying, you need to seek out a third party who can give you strategies for making your M healthy...

 

Also, I think you should try IC...Your feelings are your feelings...and you need to be allowed to feel them...

 

Marriage shouldn't just be "tolerable"...and apparently it isn't tolerable from what you've written here...and you can't just hope for things to get better...you both have to be an active part in helping to make it work...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Yes, I agree 100%..

 

You can not make a marriage thrive on hopes and best intentions. It takes work on both parties accounts. He needs to see you are not happy.. and he needs to get happy. You just can't slid back into a marriage after a separation.. there had to be some kind of game plan... so the past mistakes are not repeated.. Those problems have to be recognised.. brought out into the open.. and dealt with.. or the same things will come back and bight you both on the arse.

 

I was going to say more.. but I went back to fix my typos and spelling mistakes.. and forgot what I was going to say...:laugh:

[anna13]

Yes, I agree 100%..

 

You can not make a marriage thrive on hopes and best intentions. It takes work on both parties accounts. He needs to see you are not happy.. and he needs to get happy. You just can't slid back into a marriage after a separation.. there had to be some kind of game plan... so the past mistakes are not repeated.. Those problems have to be recognised.. brought out into the open.. and dealt with.. or the same things will come back and bight you both on the arse.

 

I was going to say more.. but I went back to fix my typos and spelling mistakes.. and forgot what I was going to say...:laugh:

Oh yes , I agree hope wont save a marriage . I know that , I hope just to hope not really believing that it will do anything . although I wish it would lol. I really dont like therapists. I dont feel like they do anything .. In fact I know someone who is just about ready to become a therapist and she is a partying drunk , with problem kids. I just dont trust therapist. I know they help some but it isnt for me.

 

I really would like my husband to open up but when i start a conversation he doesnt want to hear he would be like that's enough and if I dont stop he gets louder which I wouldnt care but I think he does it cause he knows i will stop because he knows I dont want the kids to hear. you dont want to know what really bad things go through my head when he does this. I feel emotionally blackmailed at that point. I know he does that. I almost feel like really getting him back for all the pain he has given to me . not now but one day . not really a good thing but it is true.

 

he is trying but he tries as long as it makes him happy . he seems like a good husband then that other side comes out of him . I am getting to the point where I am not afraid at all of being alone . not at all . I could have a few dogs and a house and I would be happy at this point. my children though . I dont want them hurt. surely i dont want to raise my teen by myself either. So i figure I tollerate what i am till my teen goes to college ( hopefully) then consider my options.

 

i want to Love him , but after that seperation , I will never allow anyone to hurt me like that again . EVER. even if that means I dont give 100% to him again so be it . never again . It is obvious to me that he is not giving me a 100%.

 

he is really unpredictable, he will be nice and smile at me time to time , or he will be really ultra courteous to me and other times it is like he is doing something and nobody better get in the way of what he wants at that moment.

 

he is basically pushing me away and i really truly think he has no clue. I mean he knows he is a jerk to me I am sure but he has no clue about how I am feeling . to me if a marriage is going down some stranger (therapist ) isnt going to be able to fix it . especially if one person is like his way or no way .

 

i just think about marriage , and how awfull it is . is it really posible to be married to one person for life? I guess it must be because there are 50 year anniversaries. my husband was the greatest guy and one horrible year and he went from my hero to a selfish arrogant loser. i know I wouldnt say i do to a guy like my husband .

 

i sound selfish , bitter, and yes I have to say i am both of those things at this time. trust me I am really putting alot of effort in keeping the peace between my h and I . but one day , if he doesnt change it is not going to work .

 

Things may blow up before then , who knows, I hope not but it happens. I will be hurt because I wouldnt be ready for it . but i cant say i would miss him utterly , maybe just the company , maybe just be just so sad for the kids and it would be very difficult for me to take care of them , especially my teen without him .

 

all I know is that I am giving my all in this marriage , but he has to try harder or this marriage will eventually be gone. now days i just think to myself if your other half wants to go , LET THEM GO . this is what i wanted , i wanted to know if we had a chance , and I think we do have a chance , but it will take time and more effort from him . and if it doesnt work out at least i know that I did give it my All.

 

I have brought out the issues with him . he isnt really a talker so that is a problem . so i guess I will just see. I want to sa I love him but sometimes I dont feel like i do . but most of the time . i feel good about him . but like i said i think it is just a defense mechanism for me . no more intense heartache for me . just sick of it .

[dgiirl]

Anna, you dont trust therapists, and you wont share ALL your feelings with your husband to avoid confrontation, yet you expect him to change otherwise the marriage will not last? How do you expect him to change if he has no clue what needs to be changed? It sounds like your husband is putting in some effort, but without your communication and participation, he's just shooting random darts and hoping to hit something. He might be doing all this effort towards an emotional need he THINKS you might have, and yet he's putting all that effort into nothing.

 

It sounds like your plan is to just white-knuckle it and tolerate it? Unfortunately, that _will_ lead you down to divorce unless you start working on your marriage. Otherwise, save yourself time and get a divorce now. If you are not willing to do what it takes to SAVE it (ie counselling and communicating), then dont waste precious time and just quit it.

[ilmw]

Anna, you dont trust therapists, and you wont share ALL your feelings with your husband to avoid confrontation, yet you expect him to change otherwise the marriage will not last? How do you expect him to change if he has no clue what needs to be changed? It sounds like your husband is putting in some effort, but without your communication and participation, he's just shooting random darts and hoping to hit something. He might be doing all this effort towards an emotional need he THINKS you might have, and yet he's putting all that effort into nothing.

 

It sounds like your plan is to just white-knuckle it and tolerate it? Unfortunately, that _will_ lead you down to divorce unless you start working on your marriage. Otherwise, save yourself time and get a divorce now. If you are not willing to do what it takes to SAVE it (ie counselling and communicating), then dont waste precious time and just quit it.

 

Yup... I have to agree with Dgiirl,

 

My wife did the same thing... grinned and boar with it... Hope it would get better.. without telling me... what her issues were...REAL ISSUES were in our marriage. She got so frustrated.... etc... she fell out of love with me (this is an over-simplified account of my wife's reasons for leaving me) but it is the core of it.

 

If he does not know your points of contention... the things you believe need to be worked on... and you don't know... what he thinks.. and wants to work on... then you two will be like to ships passing in the fog.

 

Please for the sake of your marriage... talk to the man..... in a way he will understand... an will except... don't sugar coat it... but.. let him know.. in a non accusing way... You may be surprised at the results.

 

Have you thought of writing him a letter with all your concerns?

 

Don't let your second chance... be your last...

 

I say this with the deepest sincerity.. If my DW had written me a letter with all her concerns.. and doubt for our marriage.. I would have sat up .. and taken notice... and I most likely would not be getting divorced.

[sumdude]

How could it hurt to see a therapist, even just once to see how it goes? You simply cannot know until you try. Just going by a feeling that it won't help and they're all messed up is just unrealistic and a defeatist attitude. Like most people they are all different. I used to think like you ... since my wife left me I've changed my mind. In fact if I had just set up a meeting with a marriage councilor we may have been able to save my marriage. Instead I was stubborn, didn't believe it could help and one day I lost her.

 

Give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen?

[brokenhearted29]

Hi Anna,

It's so good to hear from you! WEll i really beleive that we are going throught the same things but different situation. I agree with you about the thearpist. I dont like going to them either. Acutally i did once and I felt like they did nothing for me. As far as your H goes I'm not sure whats up with his ass. My H does the same thing once u talk to them and they dont want to talk anymore they either leave or change the subject. And if you dont do one or the other then they start a arguement. And with my H a arguement ends with him trying to leave with my son. Why dont u think u can take care of your kids by yourself? You did it several months while he was gone. It sounds like to me that your ready to divorce him! Do it! You are strong and can handle it. I do understand where u are coming from. THe kids look up to him. It is hard. Gosh i know. Well you are doing great keep it up. As far as I go just check out my post.

[anna13]

Anna, you dont trust therapists, and you wont share ALL your feelings with your husband to avoid confrontation, yet you expect him to change otherwise the marriage will not last? How do you expect him to change if he has no clue what needs to be changed? It sounds like your husband is putting in some effort, but without your communication and participation, he's just shooting random darts and hoping to hit something. He might be doing all this effort towards an emotional need he THINKS you might have, and yet he's putting all that effort into nothing.

 

It sounds like your plan is to just white-knuckle it and tolerate it? Unfortunately, that _will_ lead you down to divorce unless you start working on your marriage. Otherwise, save yourself time and get a divorce now. If you are not willing to do what it takes to SAVE it (ie counselling and communicating), then dont waste precious time and just quit it.

 

therapists are crap . maybe they help people who believe but I dont believe in them . Do you think that every bad marriage can be saved by a therapist. I dont.

saying that i am not working on my marriage is ridiculous. of course I am . if not i would be divorced. I would divorce him. I am not very happy right now, but we just got back togehter after we seperated ( or he did actually) so it may take time to repair things. a therapist isnt going to change who he is or who I am .

i dont think my life is a race , so i dont think I am wasting precious time . my husband is trying but he has already made clear that this is how he is going tobe and that is that. after the seperation I have changed. I dont like everyhing about hm now. not that I hate every bit of him but things are not perfect , it never is with anyone. so I am giving it time to see if it is in my head... If I weren't trying I would be arguing everyday about something. that wont help. so , I am just waiting to see if he can make me happy.

[anna13]

Yup... I have to agree with Dgiirl,

 

My wife did the same thing... grinned and boar with it... Hope it would get better.. without telling me... what her issues were...REAL ISSUES were in our marriage. She got so frustrated.... etc... she fell out of love with me (this is an over-simplified account of my wife's reasons for leaving me) but it is the core of it.

 

If he does not know your points of contention... the things you believe need to be worked on... and you don't know... what he thinks.. and wants to work on... then you two will be like to ships passing in the fog.

 

Please for the sake of your marriage... talk to the man..... in a way he will understand... an will except... don't sugar coat it... but.. let him know.. in a non accusing way... You may be surprised at the results.

 

Have you thought of writing him a letter with all your concerns?

 

Don't let your second chance... be your last...

 

I say this with the deepest sincerity.. If my DW had written me a letter with all her concerns.. and doubt for our marriage.. I would have sat up .. and taken notice... and I most likely would not be getting divorced.

 

I never left my husband , he left me because he was overwhelmed by the kids and me ... mid life crisis whatever. I never left him . and before the seperation i did talk to him about everything, and he left. now , I talk to him about my concerns but i dont whine , bitch , scream , nag anymore. I just tell him what i think and if he wants to ignore it or listen to it that is his choice. I am happy that he is back home , but I am not happy because I am not the same person I was before the seperation. and now, I see my husband differently. so I am not perfect either , i am not planning to leave him in the near future. only if things get worse and not better. or if he leaves me again .

[anna13]

How could it hurt to see a therapist, even just once to see how it goes? You simply cannot know until you try. Just going by a feeling that it won't help and they're all messed up is just unrealistic and a defeatist attitude. Like most people they are all different. I used to think like you ... since my wife left me I've changed my mind. In fact if I had just set up a meeting with a marriage councilor we may have been able to save my marriage. Instead I was stubborn, didn't believe it could help and one day I lost her.

 

Give it a shot. What's the worst that could happen?

 

maybe they are all not messed up but , I still dont think therapists help anyone . that is just my view. I have seen a therapist before , when my husband left me I saw one, and honestly , my friends helped much much more , when i was in my early 20's i saw another thereapist for my son's possible add. to me , she was flaky , she just said common sense stuff for the situation , i just think it helps when people feel like they are being listened to . by someone , and couples they both want to be heard and they tell the therapist so the therapist can tell their spouse. to me , that is not going to work . everyone communicates with their spouce differently , it isnt a uniform way of communication everyone has. I am not here to argue about wether therapists do good or not. I just dont believe in them that is my opinion. and that is all. if it helps you or anyone else , great . but I have had experience with them and even know someone who is about to graduate and be a therapist. this person is a drunk and doesnt know how to take care of her own kids. and she is supposed to be someone's therapist and help their problems, no way .

I think both people in the marriage have to work at it , i am I know i am ,and my husband is trying but not really 100% . I dont think you should feel that you could of saved your marriage if you went to therapy, if your wife left you that was her decision , the marriage did not end because you didnt want to see a therapist. I think it ended because your wife was just ready to go .it isnt your fault. no matter the situation of a marriage when someone leaves , a therapist cant stop that. at least that is what i think.

[anna13]

Anna, you dont trust therapists, and you wont share ALL your feelings with your husband to avoid confrontation, yet you expect him to change otherwise the marriage will not last? How do you expect him to change if he has no clue what needs to be changed? It sounds like your husband is putting in some effort, but without your communication and participation, he's just shooting random darts and hoping to hit something. He might be doing all this effort towards an emotional need he THINKS you might have, and yet he's putting all that effort into nothing.

 

It sounds like your plan is to just white-knuckle it and tolerate it? Unfortunately, that _will_ lead you down to divorce unless you start working on your marriage. Otherwise, save yourself time and get a divorce now. If you are not willing to do what it takes to SAVE it (ie counselling and communicating), then dont waste precious time and just quit it.

 

also , I know your trying to help but I am just tired of people thinking that a therapist is some cure all. my husband knows I am unhappy about certain things. my husband is the one with the communication problem . when I talk he doesnt want to hear it if it is something that he doesnt want to talk about . so , i just get to the point of what i am trying to say to him and if he wants to participate that is up to him . I think we might have a chance so i definitly do not want divorse right now. I definitly wouldnt just divorse now before giving it some time . it is a serious decision.

[anna13]

Hi Anna,

It's so good to hear from you! WEll i really beleive that we are going throught the same things but different situation. I agree with you about the thearpist. I dont like going to them either. Acutally i did once and I felt like they did nothing for me. As far as your H goes I'm not sure whats up with his ass. My H does the same thing once u talk to them and they dont want to talk anymore they either leave or change the subject. And if you dont do one or the other then they start a arguement. And with my H a arguement ends with him trying to leave with my son. Why dont u think u can take care of your kids by yourself? You did it several months while he was gone. It sounds like to me that your ready to divorce him! Do it! You are strong and can handle it. I do understand where u are coming from. THe kids look up to him. It is hard. Gosh i know. Well you are doing great keep it up. As far as I go just check out my post.

LOL , hi there I am not quite ready to divorse yet, actually i dont want to , it is just that the thought croses my mind often because i wonder if our marriage will ever be as strong as it once was. I know i can take care of the kids myself but I just dont want to LOL. but if I have to I know that I can . I think the way my husband blocks things out and doesnt show his feelings to often is from his childhood. I think he locks things away to show a strong front . which doesnt help the situation . Thanks for the encouragement . I'll check out your post now .

[ilmw]

also , I know your trying to help but I am just tired of people thinking that a therapist is some cure all. my husband knows I am unhappy about certain things. my husband is the one with the communication problem . when I talk he doesn't want to hear it if it is something that he doesnt want to talk about . so , i just get to the point of what i am trying to say to him and if he wants to participate that is up to him . I think we might have a chance so i definitely do not want divorse right now. I definitly wouldnt just divorse now before giving it some time . it is a serious decision.

 

Anna... was reading this post and something dawned on me... communication style.. Men/Woman. Now I have posted before... in my own thread.. how I and my W failed to communicate... important things.. in particular... her getting more and more despondent.. unhappy etc...

 

She would say things.. she thought I should understand... I can remember certain things her saying ...things that in her mind.. were meant to be helpful.. but I took them as an insult... about me.. But in hindsight... I can see. Now understanding the differences in how we men and woman communicate... I understand the message. We just see things differently.... hear things differently..

 

Take a look at your message... how you are sending it? If you are not demanding answers.. sending it in away that.. he does not feel cornered right there and then for an answer.. letting him.. withdraw.. and then come back calmly with an answer...

 

You are there... so only you know the atmosphere between you two...

 

I can also appreciate your frustration...

 

But, I can't understand your H... who is being given a second lease on your marriage? He needs to learn some of the things you have learned on LS.... or he will be stumbling around.. lost as I was before.

 

I truly had no clue... and it sounds he may be in the same boat. Some men just will not admit they are wrong.. I used to fall in the category too.

[sumdude]

I truly had no clue... and it sounds he may be in the same boat. Some men just will not admit they are wrong.. I used to fall in the category too.

 

Yeah, me too. Denial can run quite deep. Who me? There's no problem here, everything is just fine as it is. I was given the hard consequences for my mistakes ... when I was able to see and rectify them her decision was already a done deal.

 

Anna, if you're still willing to work this then maybe he needs to see real consequences before the changes come. Could take some patience and risk... but life is like that.

[dgiirl]

also , I know your trying to help but I am just tired of people thinking that a therapist is some cure all. my husband knows I am unhappy about certain things. my husband is the one with the communication problem . when I talk he doesnt want to hear it if it is something that he doesnt want to talk about . so , i just get to the point of what i am trying to say to him and if he wants to participate that is up to him . I think we might have a chance so i definitly do not want divorse right now. I definitly wouldnt just divorse now before giving it some time . it is a serious decision.

 

I dont think therapists are a cure for all. But I DO think that if a person is truly serious about saving their marriage, they will put in the effort and try EVERYTHING. From what you've written, I dont think you are willing to do everything. Sure, you dont want a divorce, and you hope it wont happen, but I dont really see you doing anything productive to resolve your situation. You're simply waiting for things to magically fix themselves. And trust me, things dont get better in time without putting in effort, so why not just pull the plug now and get on with your life? The marriage doesnt seem that important to you anyways.

 

You talk about all the changes you made, but you feel your husband is not putting in 100%. Perhaps he isnt, or perhaps you just dont see the effort he's making because you're too close to the situation. This is why I think a therapist can help. A therapist is objective enough to see both your situations and help you two see each other's pov. Clearly, if your marriage is on the brink of divorce, neither one of you two know how to communicate. If I was given a second chance, I wouldnt keep doing the same things I did before. I'd try new ways.

 

But therapy wont work for you if you are not open to it. It wont work for you if you think you are better than the therapist and you keep trying to prove to yourself why the therapist is full of baloney. I think therapy is for someone who has enough courage to humble themselves and acknowledge that they might not know everything and is willing to seek help and try new things. And I think when someone is willing to humble themselves and put in this effort, this is when they can change themselves and possibly save their marriage. The change one makes in therapy is a skill they can bring to their marriage. Instead of focusing on all the things they are doing, they can humble themselves and notice all the changes their spouses are making.

[ilmw]

I dont think therapists are a cure for all. But I DO think that if a person is truly serious about saving their marriage, they will put in the effort and try EVERYTHING. From what you've written, I dont think you are willing to do everything. Sure, you dont want a divorce, and you hope it wont happen, but I dont really see you doing anything productive to resolve your situation. You're simply waiting for things to magically fix themselves. And trust me, things dont get better in time without putting in effort, so why not just pull the plug now and get on with your life? The marriage doesnt seem that important to you anyways.

 

You talk about all the changes you made, but you feel your husband is not putting in 100%. Perhaps he isnt, or perhaps you just dont see the effort he's making because you're too close to the situation. This is why I think a therapist can help. A therapist is objective enough to see both your situations and help you two see each other's pov. Clearly, if your marriage is on the brink of divorce, neither one of you two know how to communicate. If I was given a second chance, I wouldnt keep doing the same things I did before. I'd try new ways.

 

But therapy wont work for you if you are not open to it. It wont work for you if you think you are better than the therapist and you keep trying to prove to yourself why the therapist is full of baloney. I think therapy is for someone who has enough courage to humble themselves and acknowledge that they might not know everything and is willing to seek help and try new things. And I think when someone is willing to humble themselves and put in this effort, this is when they can change themselves and possibly save their marriage. The change one makes in therapy is a skill they can bring to their marriage. Instead of focusing on all the things they are doing, they can humble themselves and notice all the changes their spouses are making.

 

I'll second this...

 

From personal experience... I was one of those people who thought.. Therapists.. were full of crap... I did not need one... what do they know.. I am fine.. don't need one..etc...blah blah blah..

 

Let me tell you... going to IC... was one of the smartest things I have ever done... it opened up a whole can of worms... I never realised was wriggling inside me.... It helped me open up.... finally after so many years of repressing.. emotions.... I helped get me back on track... for me... helped me centre.. for the first time.. in... well really.. for the first time.

 

So.. really don't knock it.. it can truly help......k

[GreenEyedLady]

so , I am just waiting to see if he can make me happy.

 

I think you should really SEE what you've written here...he's not responsible for making you happy...you both are responsible for making EACH other happy...

 

I know that you're hurt that he left you...but he's back...and part of making your M better and workable is to forgive and to heal...if you can't let go of him leaving, you'll never be happy and no matter what he does, he won't be able to make you happy...

 

I hope that you're able to work through this...you deserve a much more satisfying relationship...

[LakesideDream]

Anna, I was an early poster on your very first posting effort, I was very critical of you. Your post was illiterate, hard to read and disorganized. You have come a long way!

 

I suspect your life mirrors your writing. You have grown a great deal in the past months. Sounds like you don't believe your husband has, and maybe you are correct. If you are willing, it may be the best road for you.

 

A little advice, don't be so judgemental especially of the small things. Take a compliment for what it is...

 

And.. you wrote that it seems like your husband is "playing a role". He probably is Anna, playing the "role" of a good person is one of the ways a person can make a real change in their behavior. It sounds like he is making "some" effort, try and be open to it.

 

Anyhow, good luck. As I said, you have come a very long way, congratulations.

[anna13]

D Girl ~

 

I dont really see you doing anything productive to resolve your situation. You're simply waiting for things to magically fix themselves. And trust me, things dont get better in time without putting in effort, so why not just pull the plug now and get on with your life? The marriage doesnt seem that important to you anyways.

 

I think I am . I am no longer bitching , nagging , yelling to get my point across to him . so I do think i am putting my effort in and I can see that he does appreciate that much . again , if my marriage is not important to me I would be divorced. i wouldnt try at all . but I do wish he would put more effort in it .

 

Clearly, if your marriage is on the brink of divorce, neither one of you two know how to communicate. If I was given a second chance, I wouldnt keep doing the same things I did before. I'd try new ways.

 

again , I am not doing the same things i was before and niether is my husband. I am just saying that there are still issues that are making me unhappy .

 

 

But therapy wont work for you if you are not open to it. It wont work for you if you think you are better than the therapist and you keep trying to prove to yourself why the therapist is full of baloney.

 

I never said I thought that I was better then a therapist. I said I dont believe that they can fix everything. I am not trying to prove anything to myself or you or anyone. I just think they are baloney and that is just my opinion.

I think therapy is for someone who has enough courage to humble themselves and acknowledge that they might not know everything and is willing to seek help and try new things. And I think when someone is willing to humble themselves and put in this effort, this is when they can change themselves and possibly save their marriage

I never said I knew everything I just said i dont care for therapists .I am glad if a therapist helps you , or anyone for that matter , but like I said I just dont believe in therapists. I think seeing a therapist is no guarentee of saving a marriage just as I think not seeing one is a guarentee of a marriage not working out. It is really just my opinion , no ego trip there.

 

I can see my husband is making effort, he isnt perfect and niether am I and niether is anyone else. the point is I have mixed feeling about our marriage. I want it to improve. but while he was gone , I found out who i am again . Sometimes I wonder if he is the best for me. or if I am the best for him. it takes time I think. I know the mistakes I made but he doesnt admit to any he has made and I dont push him . I just see the effort he is making day by day and I try to work from there.

D girl , I know it is frustrating when you think that someone who your trying to help is not listening , I am , i just dont agree about the therapist thing thats all. .

[anna13]

I think you should really SEE what you've written here...he's not responsible for making you happy...you both are responsible for making EACH other happy...

 

I know that you're hurt that he left you...but he's back...and part of making your M better and workable is to forgive and to heal...if you can't let go of him leaving, you'll never be happy and no matter what he does, he won't be able to make you happy...

 

I hope that you're able to work through this...you deserve a much more satisfying relationship...

 

I definitly saw that last part I wrote after i submitted it . i wanted to edit because i dont feel like he needs to make me happy , that is one of the things i did change . I used to think he needs to make me happy but i do believe that i make me happy and he is a part of my life. when I saw that last part i was like ok , that is not what I meant but loveshack said I couldnt edit it so I just left it .

 

That is something I have to continue to work on . the pain of him leaving in the first place. to me it was a betrayal , even though there was no affair, it was supposed to be for better or for worse , and he just up and left. But again I do definitly continue to work on letting that go . sometimes when those thoughts come back i start feeling angry and I actually have to shove the thoughts away . i definitly agree with you , I have to let that go or we wont have a chance.

 

I do agree that I do deserve a satisfying relationship, that is why I have so many thoughts . but i try to tell myself we need time .

[anna13]

Anna, I was an early poster on your very first posting effort, I was very critical of you. Your post was illiterate, hard to read and disorganized. You have come a long way!

 

I suspect your life mirrors your writing. You have grown a great deal in the past months. Sounds like you don't believe your husband has, and maybe you are correct. If you are willing, it may be the best road for you.

 

A little advice, don't be so judgemental especially of the small things. Take a compliment for what it is...

 

And.. you wrote that it seems like your husband is "playing a role". He probably is Anna, playing the "role" of a good person is one of the ways a person can make a real change in their behavior. It sounds like he is making "some" effort, try and be open to it.

 

Anyhow, good luck. As I said, you have come a very long way, congratulations.

 

Thank You , and that really helps me ( your paragraph about "playing a role" )I never thought of it in that way .

[anna13]

Anna... was reading this post and something dawned on me... communication style.. Men/Woman. Now I have posted before... in my own thread.. how I and my W failed to communicate... important things.. in particular... her getting more and more despondent.. unhappy etc...

 

She would say things.. she thought I should understand... I can remember certain things her saying ...things that in her mind.. were meant to be helpful.. but I took them as an insult... about me.. But in hindsight... I can see. Now understanding the differences in how we men and woman communicate... I understand the message. We just see things differently.... hear things differently..

 

Take a look at your message... how you are sending it? If you are not demanding answers.. sending it in away that.. he does not feel cornered right there and then for an answer.. letting him.. withdraw.. and then come back calmly with an answer...

 

You are there... so only you know the atmosphere between you two...

 

I can also appreciate your frustration...

 

But, I can't understand your H... who is being given a second lease on your marriage? He needs to learn some of the things you have learned on LS.... or he will be stumbling around.. lost as I was before.

 

I truly had no clue... and it sounds he may be in the same boat. Some men just will not admit they are wrong.. I used to fall in the category too.

I'll definitly keep that in mind , thank you

[anna13]

hi everyone , well , things were going well till my husband snapped yesterday , about all things me setting off the fire alarm because i accidently burnt the portugees sausage. wow , that was a shock to me . he got mad out of the blue . said he was tired of being surrounded my retarted people and he was really mean . and he got mad in front of the kids. he was on his way to the gym and was just sticking around to bitch . I got mad so i said just go to the gym already . and boy did he not like that. he said "i've been trying to leave for years!" the rest of the day and night when he came back it was all attitude from him . like he was so much better then everyone else in the house. i think he wants to be a james bond or something . i tried to open up to him and say look what is the issue here? he said " i am being annoyed that is the issue!" wow ... so i am still shocked about this. about a few months of everything is going well and burnt breakfast and it is all down the toilet. he has this friend that is single , dates different women and who is seperated from his wife and the guy is rich , traveling abroad to surf .. so i can tell my husband is idolizing him and getting frustrated because my husband is always talking so highly of him .

 

So now i am in a position of stress again . i have stuck to everything that i said i would . I put all i had to rebuild this relationship with my husband. my husband and teen were getting along buddy buddy and now i dont know what is up. my husband is selfish , and something is obviously wrong with him . i dont know what it is. i am just sad because i am wondering ... here we go again ? well i know if he leaves again . that is it. it is over. no more trying to work it out.

 

last night he warmed up a little before bed , but although i smiled and tried to have a converstation with him( to please him) i was sick and disgusted all the way deep in my gut. just looking at him made me sick . just thinking that this guy just thinks he can poop on me and then talk to me like nothing bad happened. he is loosing it. i didnt want to fight for the kids sake so i ignored it ., i am just trying to see it things get better or worse. I am really angry that yet again . i am in this situation where i might be really hurt again . but there has been nothing said about him leaving or whatnot .. so i am leaving it alone . just the heartbreak i feel is difficult. I look at my toddler and all i can think of is "i am so sorry for this my baby ".

[anna13]

well , my husband looks like he is trying to be a good person , but i think trying to be a good person and being a good person isnt the same. when he is being nice of course i want to be with him , but when i see his temperamental side then i dont want to be with him . I am in a difficult place. a part of me wants us to stay together , but the other part of me says that I may be happier on my own .

 

my husband has been getting along with my teen well , much better then before. at least I dont have to worry too much about them now days ( knock on wood) . the reason I feel like i may not want to be with him is that no matter what , that "mr. Hide" comes out of him . every so often.

 

friday he took us all out to dinner , and bought the kids clothes and really wanted to spend the day with us . today , some lunatic on the highway decided to stick a finger at me , and my husband lost it . but it wasnt to defend me , it was more about his ego . and i told him to stop because at this point he was really calling this guy out . my toddler was in the car with us sleeping and i was furious. my husband makes a comment like , oh well you just do what you do , be a coward , i dont need you ...

i am thinking what the H%%? I am thinking this husband of mine is mentally ill , i told him ~look it isnt that i am a coward.. your going to let some turd on the highway ruin our day and I am being a parent and an adult by ignoring this jack-a## while your acting like a stupid teenager and trying to get a fight with some jerk who isnt worth it . well .. he didnt like that i said that very much . he was really pissy with me. i dropped him off at work and then later he is talking to me like nothing happened.

I feel really flustered with my feelings. I dont want our marriage to end but at the same time I dont want to have to always worry about him flipping out about things. just frustrated.