At what point in the search do people stop thinking there's someone better out there?

[AriaIncognito]

I didn't want to hijack the other thread, but something Tony T mentioned really struck a chord with me, and I'm wondering what other peoples thoughts are. He said:

 

"No matter what, no matter who we are, no matter how much we love somebody, there's ALWAYS somebody else out there we can love and often more than the one we're with. Yes, there's always a better deal. But you can spend your life looking for the better deal and finding it here and there and sucking on it until it ceases to be all that great."

 

I'm wondering what everyone's opinions are on this. My question really is, what makes it such that 2 people both decide that they might be able to be content with who they have, and work at it? How/when does a person come to stop having that "grass is greener" effect on their love lives? I've dated some people in my past that I believe suffered from this. Does it mean that people are "just not that into you" or does it potentially mean that they aren't mentally in that place where they are able to make a long term decision to work on 1 relationship, with 1 person?

 

Just curious as to all of your thoughts...

 

To me, the grass is greener concept has never applied to relationships, though I can say I could apply it to being single vs being with someone. Sometimes when you're with someone you say how nice it would be to not be answering to someone. I can apply it to work, you have X job your friend has Y and you think wow I could do so much better I wonder if I should look. However, never in my recent past can I remember looking at a significant other and going "hmmm, maybe I shouldn't commit because I might be able to find better".

 

Is this human nature, or is it a commitment phobe thing?

 

I have so many questions! lol.

 

I suppose I ask because I am still very much in love with the relationship I thought I had with my ex (and i say that because well he was never invested in it like I was so I really shouldn't say I had the relationship to begin with) and always just viewed him as not being able to commit because he could find something better (even though he himself on many occasions made mention that he "probably couldn't" - the fact that he thinks he might at all should send me running right?). So, how come I dont get the grass is greener when it comes to things, and he does? I almost wish I could, because then, maybe I'd let it go.

 

Anyway, what's your theory on the whole grass is greener thing?

[Trialbyfire]

Your questions are complex because it depends on the individuals involved. It could be one of the following or any combination thereof:

 

- grass is greener

- commitment concerns

- person in different place in life

- need for external validation for reasons of self-esteem (ego-stroking)

- plain old-fashioned selfishness, the extreme now called NPD

- the individual settled previously for "good enough"

- the individual didn't know what they wanted originally

- the individual(s) involved changed when they were in a relationship

 

I'm sure there's a ton more reasons I've missed.

 

I'm uncertain what your full situation was but the end result is that sometimes people can't co-exist. Love can't survive without effort from both people.

[MagnoliaJane]

Hi Aria,

 

This is just my experience, but in my opinion my ex did suffer from the "grass is greener" syndrome. Perhaps (and this is speculation off course) because he can not stand the "down to earth" part of a relationship. He is a hopeless romantic who sees love as being infatuated, excited, thrilled and overwhelmed by feelings. How on earth can you start building an everyday relationship on something like that? Life is, unfortunately, about living in reality....

 

Right now he has returned to his ex who lives a continent away and is still unhappily married and is convinced that "fate has brought them back together" when they met secretly. To be honest, I can not compete with those grandiose feelings. Nor would I want to enter a relationship like that with any of my married ex-es. I am too much of an imperfect, earthly woman for that, and I do like to live in reality.

 

Everybody choses to make a choice about how to live and love. While I did and still do love my ex with all my heart, I believe he does not perceive my love to be that way, because the way he loves is different from mine.

[AriaIncognito]

Love can't survive without effort from both people.

 

I definitely know this. Having been through quite a few heartbreaks, 2 being very significant in the past 10 years. I dated a man for 4 years and even lived with him. We loved eachother, but it wasn't right. It couldn't survive, we broke up about 7 years ago now. Another, the current ex, well that's the one that the above quote would truly refer to. I made all the effort, he made minimal as he never committed to the relationship, for whatever the reason, I'm not really sure. It is clear that he cares a lot about me, however he's not clear if that is enough for him I suppose. We were on again off again for a year. Went NC back in April, NC was broken in May but he's still in the same place mentally as before so NC will have to start back up again as I know I can't be an onlooker to his dating other women, and he knows that too.

 

Either way, with him, it always seemed like the grass was always greener, else I think he never took the time to get over his significant relationship that failed. Maybe a bit of both. Maybe if we had met at different times, when he was ready and I was ready, we'd have had a shot, but we didn't have a shot when we found eachother. We don't have a shot now either that I can see.

 

So yes, partially I ask because of my current situation, and partially out of curiousity of other people's experiences...

[quankanne]

I think all of us are guilty of "the grass is greener" complex to some degree, but it's our levels of maturity that help us keep things in perspective. And that's all based in what kinds of models we have for relationships based on our parents' marriage, our sibs marriages, our friends marriages, what is reflected in a society as a whole.

 

when people are unhappy with their situation, they tend to buy into "the grass is greener" theory, while those who are more contented (and I don't mean this in the negative sense at all!), tend to disregard said theory. Again, all based on how mature the person holding that viewpoint is … the less mature, the more likely that he or she is going to be chasing after love like a sugar deprived kid tearing the kitchen apart for candy. Someone with a more mature outlook is going to accept the realities of the relationship – he snores, she only likes to shave her legs a couple of times a month, he scratches his privates in public, she nags if she doesn't get her way – and work with them.

[AriaIncognito]

He is a hopeless romantic who sees love as being infatuated, excited, thrilled and overwhelmed by feelings. How on earth can you start building an everyday relationship on something like that? Life is, unfortunately, about living in reality....

 

Wow, I could have written that about my ex. When we were together he said "i dont feel as obsessed by this as I think I should". I guess he meant the feelings of infatuation, always thinking about the other person, not being able to exist without them, etc. In my opinion, maybe a real relationship doesn't exactly start off with that kind of unhealthy infatuation. I always felt as if he was chasing after something that he'd never attain, and well, that makes me sad for him, because he's going to spend his life basically alone, while others like myself will eventually find happiness with someone else.

 

Very interesting, MJ. Maybe we have the same ex LOL.

[Tony T]

I think all of us are guilty of "the grass is greener" complex to some degree, but it's our levels of maturity that help us keep things in perspective. And that's all based in what kinds of models we have for relationships based on our parents' marriage, our sibs marriages, our friends marriages, what is reflected in a society as a whole.

 

when people are unhappy with their situation, they tend to buy into "the grass is greener" theory, while those who are more contented (and I don't mean this in the negative sense at all!), tend to disregard said theory. Again, all based on how mature the person holding that viewpoint is … the less mature, the more likely that he or she is going to be chasing after love like a sugar deprived kid tearing the kitchen apart for candy. Someone with a more mature outlook is going to accept the realities of the relationship – he snores, she only likes to shave her legs a couple of times a month, he scratches his privates in public, she nags if she doesn't get her way – and work with them.

 

I need to find a woman who doesn't mind that I scratch my privates in public! Let me see, how many do I have?

[quankanne]

I need to find a woman who doesn't mind that I scratch my privates in public! Let me see, how many do I have?

 

surely with your experience and wisdom, the 'boys' have been promoted to colonel by now!

[AriaIncognito]

We all have our "things" tony t. If a woman truly loves you, she'll be able to accept that too lol. My ex incessantly picks at his face. It's weird. However, there were other things about him that helped me look the other way when that occurred LOL.

[johan]

Some Australian woman, either a mathematician or a counselor or something, wrote a book about this. Statistically she found that your best chance at true happiness is to date 12 people, and then pick the next best one.

 

The meaning of that last phrase I don't really get. How do you define the "next best one"? Also I'm not sure what she meant by "date 12 people" them. Casually or seriously? Not sure how long you're supposed to date someone before they qualify as one of the 12.

 

I haven't read her book. There was a radio interview with her that I heard, and it was actually pretty interesting. If you're curious about it, I can find a link to it.

[Tony T]

Some Australian woman, either a mathematician or a counselor or something, wrote a book about this. Statistically she found that your best chance at true happiness is to date 12 people, and then pick the next best one.

 

The meaning of that last phrase I don't really get. How do you define the "next best one"? Also I'm not sure what she meant by "date 12 people" them. Casually or seriously? Not sure how long you're supposed to date someone before they qualify as one of the 12.

 

I haven't read her book. There was a radio interview with her that I heard, and it was actually pretty interesting. If you're curious about it, I can find a link to it.

 

Yes, please find the link. Thanks in advance! If you can't find a link, do the next best thing and have her call me.

[alphamale]

Anyway, what's your theory on the whole grass is greener thing?

theres always going to be someone who's better looking, richer and thinner...but no one person has everything .

 

I just try to keep in mind that humans as a race are a pretty sad species.

[MagnoliaJane]

Wow, I could have written that about my ex. When we were together he said "i dont feel as obsessed by this as I think I should". I guess he meant the feelings of infatuation, always thinking about the other person, not being able to exist without them, etc. In my opinion, maybe a real relationship doesn't exactly start off with that kind of unhealthy infatuation. I always felt as if he was chasing after something that he'd never attain, and well, that makes me sad for him, because he's going to spend his life basically alone, while others like myself will eventually find happiness with someone else.

 

Very interesting, MJ. Maybe we have the same ex LOL.

 

Aria, if the following may comfort you, when I met my ex he was very much thrilled and excited and infatuated and could not stop thinking about me every minute of the day. He was so present in my life that I nearly choked in all the roast beef sandwhiches he made for me, thoughts he had about me, and things he had considered about him and me in advance (like writing a letter to my parents - panic from my side!!!! Or suggesting we should get married - panic from me again!!!!) And look where that lead us to? I only wanted a stable, mature, sustainable relationship, a companion, a mate. I guess when the infatuation wears of in this kind of madness, there is nothing left. He had a premonition about that too, something I did not quite understand at that time: "I have the feeling I am madly racing off a cliff and dragging you along with me". I guess the end was already contained in that sentence.

 

It seems your guy is looking for something he might or might not find, but one thing is sure: IMHO if he finds it it ain't going to last forever. Fairytale relationships burn up in smoke. There's ALWAYS a real person on the other side and noone is perfect or can cater to someone in a perfect way.

[AriaIncognito]

Some Australian woman, either a mathematician or a counselor or something, wrote a book about this. Statistically she found that your best chance at true happiness is to date 12 people, and then pick the next best one.

 

The meaning of that last phrase I don't really get. How do you define the "next best one"? Also I'm not sure what she meant by "date 12 people" them. Casually or seriously? Not sure how long you're supposed to date someone before they qualify as one of the 12.

 

I haven't read her book. There was a radio interview with her that I heard, and it was actually pretty interesting. If you're curious about it, I can find a link to it.

 

Interestingly, someone told me that she'd heard that most people end up marrying their 13th bf/gf. I guess I'll let you know if it's true, I think my recent ex is 12. lol. If you can find the link, post it, why not.

[AriaIncognito]

It seems your guy is looking for something he might or might not find, but one thing is sure: IMHO if he finds it it ain't going to last forever. Fairytale relationships burn up in smoke. There's ALWAYS a real person on the other side and noone is perfect or can cater to someone in a perfect way.

 

Yeah, I know you're right in that statement, but unfortunately, it provides little solace to know that he might find extreme happiness with someone who isn't me, you know? You put so much into loving someone, only to have another woman reap the reward of it. Sad really. I mean, I know I should be happy that he doesn't stick around if he's unsure. I just wish I understood what it was that held him back all that time. I should just learn to accept the "hes just not that into you" theory. Regardless of if it's actually the case, it does make the point of needing to move on because whatever that person is, isn't right for you right now either way.

[Trialbyfire]

Interestingly, someone told me that she'd heard that most people end up marrying their 13th bf/gf. I guess I'll let you know if it's true, I think my recent ex is 12. lol. If you can find the link, post it, why not.

Baker's dozen, anyone?

[Woggle]

I don't have hgrass is greener syndrome at all. In fact other men's lawns look like crap by comparison.

[MagnoliaJane]

Yeah, I know you're right in that statement, but unfortunately, it provides little solace to know that he might find extreme happiness with someone who isn't me, you know? You put so much into loving someone, only to have another woman reap the reward of it. Sad really. I mean, I know I should be happy that he doesn't stick around if he's unsure. I just wish I understood what it was that held him back all that time. I should just learn to accept the "hes just not that into you" theory. Regardless of if it's actually the case, it does make the point of needing to move on because whatever that person is, isn't right for you right now either way.

 

Aria, aria, the woman who will be showered with extreme happiness will probably be met with extreme indifference later on - that's what I was trying to convey to you with my story. I've met no man before who fell as hard for me as my recent ex - and no man who has treated me with such indifference later on (off course still declaring with a blank look that he "loves me" - ugh?).

 

I just finished reading a book from a Dutch philosopher (Connie Palmen). Two things she wrote in her novel stuck with me:

 

1) the extent of the desire for a commitment is often inversely related to the ability to have one (in other words: your ex may crave this while he is not capable of it)

 

2) what you choose to believe determines who you are

[johan]

The author's name is Clio Cresswell. Her book is called Mathematics and Sex.

 

The radio program I heard the interview with her on is this one. http://www.wpr.org/book/041121a.html

 

The description says something about 37 dates, but I remember 12.

[AriaIncognito]

Wow if it was 37 dates then I'd have been married MANY times by now lol. I seem to be the master at finding long term relationships but for whatever reasons, they haven't led to marriage. I'd say only 3 of those were "adult" relationships though. So, I wonder, if it's 12 or 13 "relationships" would say, college romance count? High school? Etc. I mean i was with a guy in college for over 2 years and even a guy in high school for over a year, so when I think of "LTR" i think of those as in the running, even though I know they weren't "love" in the adult sense.

 

Anyway...i'm tangenting and dont really want to. I'd love to hear more peoples opinions on this whole grass is greener thing. Esp those of you that are married. How did you decide that it was time to stop looking at other people's lawns? LOL

[Tony T]

The author's name is Clio Cresswell. Her book is called Mathematics and Sex.

 

The radio program I heard the interview with her on is this one. http://www.wpr.org/book/041121a.html

 

The description says something about 37 dates, but I remember 12.

 

I'll date 37 people if I can get government assistance and a burial plot at Arlington.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I don't think it's a numbers game, not if you're looking for something serious. Statistics are interesting and amusing and all, but remember: there are lies, there are damned lies, and then there are statistics.

 

Unless we are willing to put ourselves in the strict limits of the "average", those numbers aren't applicable. There are outliers on both extremes always - people who'll get what they want in one go, and those who'll still be searching for something better after 50.

 

The way I see it, there is no end to greed, and there is always the need for more. The "grass is greener" mentality is there within all of us, we just apply it to different things at different times. That's why we look for better cars, better jobs, better everything.

 

In the context of relationships, if you have an idea of what you really want, you'll be less prone to changing lanes to the greener grass all the time.

One: You'll be careful in choosing, and Two: You'll want to keep what you have.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

theres always going to be someone who's better looking, richer and thinner...but no one person has everything .

 

I just try to keep in mind that humans as a race are a pretty sad species.

 

Agreed. Now let me use some fancy terms to describe what I think of this, on a deeper level

 

I liked what Alpha once said about the theory of post-purchase dissonance. That happens, almost always. So our eyeballs start roving again, trying to find a new muse. But think long-term: the same thing will happen with your new "purchase" too.

 

Most of the time, it's the thrill of the chase, and the rush of new-relationship romance, that people crave for. It gives a feeling of self-fulfillment and achievement.

 

Perhaps one way to lessen this mentality in relationship terms, is to apply the need for achievement in other areas of life - trying to be better at your golf game, getting a better job, getting better returns on your investments, raising your kids better.