How do you know/what do you do if a family member has a drinking problem? (long)

[Tangerina]

So, I feel weird even talking about this because I know that this is different for every person depending on their culture, genetics, social circle, how they were raised, etc.... some people can drink to excess occasionally and not have it ever be a problem or addiction in their life and some people can get so into the habit of having a glass of wine at dinner that it becomes an addiction....

 

I think my mom is the second one, she is very reliant on her ritual of having a glass of wine or two before bed. I know some nights she doesn't even have any but I think overall she relies on it to go to sleep and relax. My mom has always been a very high stress person and her doctor also has her on a really low dose of sleeping pills just so she can get through the night. My mom usually has between 1-3 glasses of wine in the evening. One doesn't seem like a lot to me, but 3 glasses does seem like a lot. I feel concerned because she is slightly overweight (she is 5'2" and probably 165 lbs) and this is probably the main factor besides the fact that our family tends to gain easily, and the main reason I feel concerned is that I think she is addicted. I would hesitate to say she is an alcoholic because it doesn't get in the way of other areas of life or her relationships, she is rarely outright drunk or even tipsy, and if she does have to go without it doesn't cause her major distress, but I do think she is so into her habit that it has passed the point where it is just casual.

 

I don't live with my parents anymore but we have a good relationship and in some ways I don't think this should really bother me because it isn't my business and as I said it doesn't really affect other parts of her life to any significant degree except probably her weight and general health, which I think is a legitimate concern but not something I can really make decisions about for her. I think the reason it bothers me so much is that fitness and nutrition and clarity of mind are all really important values to me, but I had the benefit of a really stable and loving childhood so I've been able to put a lot of effort into those areas of my life whereas my mom has had a really hard life and just feeling ok with herself and confident has only happened fairly recently with the help of therapy and medication. Her priorities are really different than mine and are along the lines of having friends and a good job and a fun life. I care about those things a lot too, but health is also very important to me.

 

On the other hand, her mom died of a heart attack at age 58. My mom is 53 and in general has much better habits than her mom did and has an active job and the benefit of blood pressure and cholesterol lowering medications... she also has a fairly healthy diet in general but I also think she has the mindset that she has bad genetics (weight gain, high blood pressure, high cholesterol) that she can't do anything about and that pills will keep her healthy. I think so differently, I have the same bad genetics so I am extra motivated to exercise and eat healthy so I can stay at a good weight and be healthy without medication.

 

I dunno, I don't even know if she has a problem that is at the point where it really needs to be addressed by someone else, and I wouldn't even know how to go about it if I needed to. The only time when it really, truly concerned me was when she found out she had pre-cancerous cells on the skin of her face. I felt really concerned and did a lot of research about skin cancer and it said that avoiding alcohol is important for prevention. I asked my mom to Please stop drinking until they figure out what it is and remove it and she said that she couldn't promise to do that. That made me feel really worried.

 

I guess this is all in my head right now because my parents came to visit me at college overnight and the first night they got wine to share with everyone in my house(we're of age, in case you are wondering) which was fine but for some reason I felt really embarrassed about my mom drinking in front of my friends. As I said, she usually doesn't get outright tipsy, just relaxed, but she was a bit tipsy and sentimental that night. The same thing happened at dinner with friend's parents the next night and she was the most tipsy out of all of the parents because she accidentally ordered the double margarita (it had a funny name so she ordered it not realizing it was huge.) I felt really embarrassed because I was out with a lot of my friends and their parents but all my friends were drinking giant margaritas too and I was having wine and got a bit tipsy too so I feel hypocritical to hold my mom to a different standard just because I see her as my mom. My dad is a regular drinker too, come home from work and have a few beers type of guy, but he is very health conscious like me and I don't think it is as much of a ritual or addiction for him so much as a convenience.

 

So I guess I know my mom definitely has a problem to some degree but I don't know if it is serious enough to get involved or just leave it be as one of those crazy rituals and addictions we all have that help us get through the day (coffee? internet forums? attention from a lover? junk food? exercise?) I just felt like writing about it and sharing and sorting out my own feelings. I think my feelings boil down to a.) being embarrassed by my mom being a flawed human being, which I'm just going to have to deal with and b.) being concerned for her physical and emotional health and wanting her to live a long healthy life, which I think is a legitimate and positive thing to be concerned for, I want her to be around for a long time! but I also feel frustrated that she doesn't hold herself to the same standards of health that I hold myself to, which again is something I'm just going to have to deal with. Thanks for listening.