ARDriver01 Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 My wife has BPD (Boarderline Personallity Dissorder). As a very young child, she was neglected, abused and exposed to VERY BAD adult behavior. She has a very weak sense of right and wrong. Socially retarded and doped up on all kinds of meds to at very least make her tollerable. She's 24 and has yet to develope any sense of maturity. The greatest and most enlightening clinical and family advise a person could recieve goes right over her head. She'll find things to argue about, and frequently has fits of rage. Overly sensitive and very, very manipulative. She'll go way out on a limb to turn something around on you and blame her bad behavior on you. She can really make you look and feel like such an abusive selfish prick even though it's her the whole time. If you tell her to knock it off, stop being annoying and to get control of herself she becomes so defensive, she closes everyone out and may become verbally or physically abusive. She doesn't do anything. She never makes food, cleans or anything really at all. She doesn't feed the cat, and she has me do everything for her. Seriously, If I stopped doing stuff, we would die of plague or something. She wouldn't help or step in. Even things like handeling the bills I have to do at work. She has a major eating disorder and hates her looks (even though she's a model. A very beautiful girl). All she thinks about is her weight, eating, calories, food, calories, other models in magazines, hiking, calories, fat, self hatred, self hatred. She's most of the time zoned out in a blank stare, and these are the things going on in her mind. Quite often I'll have a conversation with her about History or Philosophy to get a good conversation going and she'll look at me until I'm done talking and say something like: 'I'm fat, or I hate eating, how many calories do you thing are in----, we need to go on a hike I ate way too much yesterday." When she does feel like talking, It's always about the way she used to hurt herself or the time she really attempted suicide by taking a bunch of pills, I've heard the story a thousand times, it's annoying. She romantisizes these things and loves to re-live it. Cutting, and destructive journaling. She gets attention, I don't know why keeps trying for more. She calls me names when we argue, and tests me often. She loves to push buttons that she knows work. She is simply crazy-making. Her disorder has landed me in some therapy and now I'm clinically depressed and on pills. I love her so much and want her to be happy and free for once in her life. I want her to have a chance at a normal life. I don't want to take care of a sick person for the rest of my life. When she's sweet she's so sweet, I mean, she still doesn't do anything for me, but she's nice and she says nice things, like thank you for loving me and thanking me for being a good husband and stuff. I love her and I want better for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 you love her? Wow... if she has some kind of borderline disorder...I have to say that you are borderline 'mashochist' to endure that. I know I wouldn't... there's a limit. Get her some kind of counselling and if she's not willing to change, move on... I have no patience with people who are 'in trouble' but choose to remain in their 'trouble'. Give her an ultimatum... and if nothing works.. unless you want to endure that all your life... I would say move on. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 Was she diagnosed with BPD before you met her? Or was she diagnosed with this after you all dated and got married? If it was before you met her, then you went into a marriage knowing she had these troubles. I'm not making excuses for her behavior by no means, and perhaps you weren't sure what you were up against with someone having BPD either, because I do believe that once someone knows what is wrong then its up to them if they choose to remain in whatever kind of mental state their in. That is if it can be helped. You make it sound as if she is really really bad off, and she may be. Then again she may use this problem to remain stuck in the mud while you do everything. Do you feel she is this bad off? Perhaps you could talk with a counselor yourself, someone who could help you or tell you better how to handle this kind of situation, and what you may need to do or not do. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 If your wife wasn't a, "model" and had the body of a, "model"....how would you feel about all of this? I've read some of your other posts/threads, and frankly, you need to move on. You're enabling her, and you're co-dependent. Several of us have came to the same conclusion. There is nothing substantial in this marriage worth salvaging. On another note.....please seperate your posts into smaller paragraphs so we can read them...... Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 If your wife wasn't a, "model" and had the body of a, "model"....how would you feel about all of this? I've read some of your other posts/threads, and frankly, you need to move on. You're enabling her, and you're co-dependent. Several of us have came to the same conclusion. There is nothing substantial in this marriage worth salvaging. On another note.....please seperate your posts into smaller paragraphs so we can read them...... Wish your post would have been before mine Moose. Then I wouldn't have replied saying what I said. :laugh:I had never read his other posts. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 Um...are you in it because she is a model or because you fell in love with her personality? Sounds like you only came on to bash her behind her back. You did not really ask for any advice. Perhaps you wants us to say "Oh yeah she will magically turn into this awesome gal without any years of treatment or councelling." I ain't gonna happen, sonny. Get out of this destructive relationship or admit you married a model with severe problems and deal with it. I'm not gonna feel sorry for you because if this was from childhood - you knew very well what was gonna happen. Perhaps you should have gone for a "non-model" but in every other way perfectly normal girl? I hate the fact you put so much input into model. Just because she is a model does not mean she can't have bad self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 p.s. Your wife isn't "Crazy" she has an illness. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 BPD's, EEEKKK! I had a sister in law who was BPD and also worked a psych unit with TONS of women bpd's! You can't help her, she can't help her self. Get out. It's the only way. There are a few of the personality disorders that cannot be changed and this is one of them. She will never have a healthy relationship with another human being unless you want this for the rest of your life, get away now, it will only become worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Share Posted May 29, 2007 Wish your post would have been before mine Moose. Then I wouldn't have replied saying what I said. :laugh:I had never read his other posts. Thanks for your help. I'm not a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 Thanks for your help. I'm not a joke. I never said you were a joke. I replied as others did in reguards to what you had posted in this thread. I responded to what Moose had said, because I had not read your other posts, before I replied to this one. That wasn't an indication that I thought you were a joke, it was an indication that I was being truthful in the fact I had not read any of your other posts at the time. So, with that being said, the best thing you need to do, is to decide what it is you can or can not live with/tolerate. If your relationship with her, is not something you feel will get better then its best to move on. If you love her and see beyond her BPD problem then stay with her. By the sounds of this post though, it doesn't sound like staying is a good idea. But that has to be your call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Share Posted May 29, 2007 Thank you. I suppose I too am ultra-sensitive about these issues and I appreciate you guys taking the time to post anything at all. As far as the "joke" thing, I just freaked at the and the . I suppose I should get used to smilies. I'm sorry for going off. I do see beyond this BPD and all our other problems, hence why I'm so stubborn to make it work. We had an amazing relationship for the first three years. AMAZING. I just want that back. When she acts out, I know it's not her. That's not my baby. My baby is strong and brutally intelligent. I just want my wife back. Link to post Share on other sites
Asafan Posted May 29, 2007 Share Posted May 29, 2007 Thank you. I suppose I too am ultra-sensitive about these issues and I appreciate you guys taking the time to post anything at all. As far as the "joke" thing, I just freaked at the and the . I suppose I should get used to smilies. I'm sorry for going off. I do see beyond this BPD and all our other problems, hence why I'm so stubborn to make it work. We had an amazing relationship for the first three years. AMAZING. I just want that back. When she acts out, I know it's not her. That's not my baby. My baby is strong and brutally intelligent. I just want my wife back. Dude, I hate to break it to you, but your wife and your relationship will never ever be what they were. Get out while you can. I had a relationship with a BPDer at one point, and it was a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. *shudders* Link to post Share on other sites
Author ARDriver01 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Share Posted May 29, 2007 Um...are you in it because she is a model or because you fell in love with her personality? Sounds like you only came on to bash her behind her back. You did not really ask for any advice. Perhaps you wants us to say "Oh yeah she will magically turn into this awesome gal without any years of treatment or councelling." I ain't gonna happen, sonny. Get out of this destructive relationship or admit you married a model with severe problems and deal with it. I'm not gonna feel sorry for you because if this was from childhood - you knew very well what was gonna happen. Perhaps you should have gone for a "non-model" but in every other way perfectly normal girl? I hate the fact you put so much input into model. Just because she is a model does not mean she can't have bad self esteem. Hey guy... Do you have any constructive input? I mention that she's a model to emphasize a symptom of her low self esteem. She wasn't a model before I met her, and I could care less about the asthetics. It's not an issue to me. Do you think I'm proud and puffed up in any way over HER appearance? It's not a reflection on me. I DONT CARE. You seem to... Why are you so angry? Do you honestly think I stick around for a pretty face? I'm not that shallow. Don't judge people. Think before you type friend. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 You have to know, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. The ups and downs, the manic behaviour, the drama etc...Stick with therapy for yourself so you can learn how to cope with this and not let it kill you and your marriage. I commend you for sticking around - It won't be easy. I hope she has a good therapist and is on the right meds. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 you love her? Wow... if she has some kind of borderline disorder...I have to say that you are borderline 'mashochist' to endure that. ...maintaining and promoting the stigma of mental illness. His wife isn't "crazy." She has a mental disorder. It's incurable but it is treatable, usually with dialectical behavorial therapy (DBT) which is like behavioral modification on steroids. My wife is bipolar. I diagnosed her about five years ago and she's been in treatment ever since. On her worst days she's better than most I know and THE ILLNESS DOES NOT DEFINE HER! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 My wife has BPD (Boarderline Personallity Dissorder). I love her and I want better for us. She's not crazy, she has a disorder. She's mentally ill, but the use of perjorative terms like "crazy" simply continues the stigma of mental illness which keep many who could benefit from it from seeking or staying in treatment. Your wife will never be cured but she can be treated. There's a therapeutic process for BPDs called dialectical behavioral therapy that shows great promise. If you really do love her, do some research and find treatment for her. It's out there. Prove your love! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 My wife has BPD (Boarderline Personallity Dissorder). There is a wonderful book for someone who loves a BPD.. this book is written for you and not for the BPD.. The name of the book is Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason (Author), Randi Kreger Good luck on your Journey.. I would advise you that you need to get into therapy as well.. Living with a BPD can be very hard to do and you will need someone who can ground you as to their behavior and what it means.. because it never really means what you think. They have you believing that you are the bad guy and that you are crazy.. UP is DOWN and DOWN is UP.... Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 There is a wonderful book for someone who loves a BPD.. this book is written for you and not for the BPD.. The name of the book is Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason (Author), Randi Kreger Good luck on your Journey.. I would advise you that you need to get into therapy as well.. Living with a BPD can be very hard to do and you will need someone who can ground you as to their behavior and what it means.. because it never really means what you think. They have you believing that you are the bad guy and that you are crazy.. UP is DOWN and DOWN is UP.... I should have mentioned the book in my response. Thanks for doing so! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Google depression fallout, there's info there and support which can help you. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Hey guy... Do you have any constructive input? I mention that she's a model to emphasize a symptom of her low self esteem. She wasn't a model before I met her, and I could care less about the asthetics. It's not an issue to me. Do you think I'm proud and puffed up in any way over HER appearance? It's not a reflection on me. I DONT CARE. You seem to... Why are you so angry? Do you honestly think I stick around for a pretty face? I'm not that shallow. Don't judge people. Think before you type friend. First of all, DUDE, I am female. I was annoyed you seemed to empathise on her being a model, you literally was bashing out all the crazy things she did and started the thread with the name "my wife is crazy". Doesn't sound like the sweetest understanding for a wife's condition. You should have named the thread "My wife has BD..." (whatever it was) My input is what you choose to read or not. I just pointed out that she needs therapy for years to even work that out. And it is up to you whether you stay or not, but I won't feel sorry for you because you knew what you were getting in to. Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 her looks aren't going to get you through this. sounds like she is going to destroy you. What happens in 20 years when her looks have faded and her illness hasn't and YOU have your own psychiatric problems? This isn't worth it. Maybe you just want to feel needed. You sound like a great guy even putting up with it this far. but seriously GET OUT OF IT!! you won't know yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Why not get her help for the eating disorder? If it's really bad then that should be taking care of so she doesn't get worse and have problems. From the sound of what you said, she needs help if she's not already getting it. Even if it's just being able to talk to someone. She sounds unhappy. And if you don't think so look what happend to you...your in therapy yourself. I think you need to stop letting her get to you because that's not helping. LEAVE!! I don't think this is the answer until you've done everything there is to do and can't take it anymore. It's very easy for someone to suggest leave and say, "oh problem solved." It's more complicated IMO. I haven't read your other posts but I think if you love your wife and want to make things better, you should try. Your wife will never be cured but she can be treated. There's a therapeutic process for BPDs called dialectical behavioral therapy that shows great promise. If you really do love her, do some research and find treatment for her. It's out there. Prove your love! Here's some helpful advice. Now that's worth looking into. . Good Luck! . BTW, how long have you two been married? Also was she like this before you married? Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 I find it amusing.........people post........he/she has had a terrible childhood, that they have this problem and that problem and there was child abuse, blah blah blah................and then they marry them....... Ummmm.........WHY? Did you feel sorry for her? Think you could recue her? Lord, marriage is hard enough with a "normal" person........why do people ignore the writing on the wall??? Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Ummmm.........WHY? Did you feel sorry for her? Think you could recue her?l More likely because he loved her and thought she would: A) Change on her own B) They could overcome it thanks to their love Just because someone has some issues doesn't mean the person isn't marriage material, it depends on the person you marry and the person you are yourself. Individuality makes marriages special though. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted May 31, 2007 Share Posted May 31, 2007 Lord, marriage is hard enough with a "normal" person........why do people ignore the writing on the wall??? Are you asking me or the OP? Glad you're amused. I guess you find your shallowness entertaining! Link to post Share on other sites
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