Men who don't want sex

[abr2683]

I found this forum doing a websearch about what would make a man NOT want to have sex. Basically, I have been with this man for 7 years. He was a committment phobe and about the 4th year together, the sex began dwindling to almost nothing. He did cheat on me twice and I broke up with him alittle over a year ago. We were apart for about 5 months and on the rebound, I became engaged to another man. As soon as he found out about it he came rushing back in like the cavelry and proclaimed his undying love and said he would marry me. At that time I asked him about the non-existent sex life we had before and he promised things would be different. We ended up back together, engaged and the wedding date approaching quickly. The first two months we were back together, the sex was great, now it has been months and months since there has been any intimacy. He keeps saying that it's not me, that it is him. He does have a physical problem, but the big issue that I can't seem to get an answer from him about is....even if he "can't", why wouldn't he want to at least please me once in awhile. And why doesn't he even try anything (i.e. pills, therapy etc).

I love him very much but I don't want to go the rest of my life without physical contact or intimacy. I try to explain to him that his rejection makes me feel unattractive and unloved and we end up fighting and his reaction is that marriage is not all about sex and I should "grow up". (by the way we are both in our 50's). I've read every article I could find and realize that due to age, medications, stress etc., they are all contributing to his "problem" and I told him that even if we couldn't have intercourse anymore, I would be happy with cuddling and doing "other" things to please each other. But whenever I try to touch him - he jumps, pushes me away and either picks a fight or claims he is sick. He says he loves me, still wants to get married, still finds me attractive, yet nothing changes in the sex area. I need some input please!

I tried talking to him, but he doesn't want to talk about it and gets angry. I told him how much I love him and find him very attractive and how much his touch means to me - still nothing. Does anyone have this same problem or do any men out there have some insight for me?

[curiousnycgirl]

WOW the issue you type about is precisely what first brought me to LS a few years ago. My bf is now 50, at the time he was 48, and a few months into our relationship he lost interest in sex. I was baffled and feeling all he same emotions you have expressed.

 

This continued for 2 more years. I continued to feel worse and worse about myself, but did not end the relationship because I loved him. It all came to a head in January - for other reasons - and I ended the relationship. I cried for a solid week when a friend tried to convince me to just call him. I said - why what will have changed?!

 

Then it hit me, the only way I would agree to try again, was if he agreed to begin therapy. He agreed and started with my therapist within 2 weeks. What a wonderful thing!

 

It took a few sessions - but it finally came out. A few months into the relationship he realized he was in love with me, and it freaked him out - he just couldn't perform (can you tell he is also a committment phobe?). Over the course of several months - we gradually began to become more and more intimate - although more for my benefit if you know what I mean.

 

This continues to something we both have to work on - but we are definitely continuing to make progress and it has provided benefits in all aspect of our relationship.

 

I hope you are able to seek professional help for this - I cannot express how much benefit I/we have gotten from it.

 

Good luck to you

[Mr. Lucky]

the sex began dwindling to almost nothing. He did cheat on me twice and I broke up with him a little over a year ago.

do any men out there have some insight for me?

I have some insight for you - you picked the wrong guy ! Cheated on you twice, won't address the problems, denies the need for intimacy, blames you...what feedback could make that tolerable?

 

Unless you're a glutton for continued punishment, get out.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Krytellan]

I must admit the concept is foreign to me. I have recently turned 33 and I am more raging now than I was at 18. I think a lot of it has to do with a combination of having a great gf and not being in a sexless marriage anymore.

 

Bottom line is, unless the lack of sex is because he is not physically attracted to you (something you should be honest with yourself about), there is little to be done. A person would really need to be motivated to work on the issue and I don't get the sense he is so motivated. My soon-to-be-ex-wife stopped wanting to have sex with me and refused to accept there was a problem that needed to be worked on. I think she just hated me and was physically unattracted to me. But I digress...

 

You won't change it. If it's for physical reasons, then he doesn't love you enough to put that aside. I have noticed in my relationships that even though an ex or two put on weight after we started dating, I never noticed it... or maybe I just didn't care, because I see the person as a feeling not an object.

 

He needs to address it. You aren't happy and he shows no inclination to do anything to make you happy about it. This just screams selfish and you are bound to suffer for it. Regardless of the reason, you are unhappy about it. Acknowledge this.

 

I was in a sexless marriage and now that I have a healthy sex life with a wonderful woman, I sometimes look back on what I had and how I thought I would have to live with it for the rest of my life, and I just can't express how relieved I am to know that I can have it back. If you marry him, you are CHOOSING to take this on, and it may be forever. Think about it.

[abr2683]

dear curiousnycgirl,

I'm still not good at using this forum. Anyway, I don't think the reply I just did went through. But, thank you for your input. Yours was most hopeful. The other two replies I received seemed like the situation was hopeless. Unfortunately, he is not a believer in therapy and will not go. He did promise to make an effort and work on the situation and since I am miserable without him, my tendency is to have hope. Good luck with your situation and if you have anymore insight, I'd love to hear it. Sounds like we have similar situations.

[abr2683]

Krytellan, I do realize he is selfish by nature and yes, I am choosing to be in this position. But, the bottom line is also that I love him very much and if let's say something happened where he was never able to have sex again, I would still love him and stay with him. You brought up a good point about him not being motivated to do anything about it - that is exactly what I am struggling with. I do not believe he is cheating on me, and while I'm not in my 20's anymore, I am still attractive. Maybe it all just boils down to selfishness and I have a hard time coming to terms with that because I am a very giving person.

[Reckless]

Well then resign yourself to feeling more and more tortured; until hopefully your sexuality is stiffled and you no longer feel the need to be physically intimate with your husband.

 

The issue isn't that your boyfriend cannot perform, the real issue is the white elephant in your relationship and his stubborn persistance that it's not there. If ANYTHING (real or imaginary) is causing your partner pain then it should be addressed and both partners should work whole heartedly to find a workable solution. That's marriage. That he will not recognise the part intimacy (not necessarily intercourse, if that is impossible - which it isn't..) has in a HEALTHY relationship is deeply troubling. That he won't recognise and do all he can to relieve your pain is worse.

 

Curiousnygirl pushed the issue and in doing so got things moving.. if do not do the same then you will continue to live in an unhealthy relationship without the wonderful benefits of sexual intimacy. Your choice, but I would advise you to do a search here on Loveshack and read the countless threads on sexless marriages and what it does to a person's head and heart before you make your final decision to live with a man that can get it going enough to cheat (twice) but will not address problems in his marraige that causes his partner pain.

[Herzen]

I'm 56 and I've heard from a number of women dating 50 and 60-something guys that not only is there no sex but the guys don't seem to care. I honestly don't know which is worse: being unable to fu#k or not caring about being unable to fu#k.

 

At bottom, if you are going to marry someone you should believe that he cares about you roughly as much as you care about him. An Equivalence of the Heart should exist. Otherwise, resentment builds and explodes in anger or infidelity. Neither of you is in a position to marry so long as this sexual disparity issue sits in the middle of your relationship like some 800 lb gorilla.

 

As for sex not mattering so long as there's love, well, it depends. While that may be true for him, not so for you. Sex matters more to some than to others.

 

Compounding the sex differences is the care differences.He appears not to care about your needs as much as you do about his needs. This lack of symmetry is scary--especially on the eve of marriage.

 

There are many things this guy can do--with his hand, fingers, tongue, dildo, vibrator, a little blue pill and his imagination. Yet he doesn't. You must ask yourself and him: Why?

 

You're both too old for these games. Confront him now before it's too late.

[curiousnycgirl]

Reckless hit the nail on the head in my situation - I was unwilling to continue the relationship unless something changed - in fact the ONLY way I was willing to go back was if he agreed to therpay - SINCERELY.

 

My b/f is also not a fan of therapy - but he was willing to suck it up for the sake of keeping me. That in itself was HUGE to me. I took him to my therapist, and told the therapist that I while I did not want to compromise the integrity of b/f's therapy (ie didn't want the therapist to break confidences) I did want his opinion on whether my b/f was just giving me lip service - or if the therapist thought there was hope.

 

My therapist who had been hearing about the lack of sex for 2 years, and was predisposed to dislike my b/f - in fact he had been telling me the whole time to end the relationship. However after the first hour and a half with b/f he did a total 180 - told me it was totally worth the effort, and he felt confident the relationship could be saved.

 

Without all of the above happening, I would like to believe that I would have stayed away and cried until I got over my feelings for my b/f.

 

Another point I should have made earlier - my b/f is well aware that lying is a non starter for me. If I catch him in a lie - the relationship is over - no discussion will take place, we will simply be through. Clearly cheating falls into that category.

 

So I really think you need to take a hard look at your situation. You need to put more stock in YOUR self worth and realize that you deserve more. Do not settle for less - either force it to be fixed, or move on.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but truth is you cannot fix this on your own, if your man won't meet you at least half way - then you will continue beating your head against the wall without any forward progress.

 

Good luck to you.

[abr2683]

Reckless hit the nail on the head in my situation - I was unwilling to continue the relationship unless something changed - in fact the ONLY way I was willing to go back was if he agreed to therpay - SINCERELY.

 

My b/f is also not a fan of therapy - but he was willing to suck it up for the sake of keeping me. That in itself was HUGE to me. I took him to my therapist, and told the therapist that I while I did not want to compromise the integrity of b/f's therapy (ie didn't want the therapist to break confidences) I did want his opinion on whether my b/f was just giving me lip service - or if the therapist thought there was hope.

 

My therapist who had been hearing about the lack of sex for 2 years, and was predisposed to dislike my b/f - in fact he had been telling me the whole time to end the relationship. However after the first hour and a half with b/f he did a total 180 - told me it was totally worth the effort, and he felt confident the relationship could be saved.

 

Without all of the above happening, I would like to believe that I would have stayed away and cried until I got over my feelings for my b/f.

 

Another point I should have made earlier - my b/f is well aware that lying is a non starter for me. If I catch him in a lie - the relationship is over - no discussion will take place, we will simply be through. Clearly cheating falls into that category.

 

So I really think you need to take a hard look at your situation. You need to put more stock in YOUR self worth and realize that you deserve more. Do not settle for less - either force it to be fixed, or move on.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but truth is you cannot fix this on your own, if your man won't meet you at least half way - then you will continue beating your head against the wall without any forward progress.

 

Good luck to you.

I too refused to take him back unless things seriously changed. He went to a therapist (and still goes, but mostly for meds), and promised me a list of things which for the first 5 or so months he followed through on. But now I am back in that situation where I still love him and things deteriorated and I don't know what to do. Judging by the replies I have received it would seem the situation is hopeless and I should just leave him. I am quite sad.

[curly1]

I, too, came across this website seeking information about a sudden loss of sex drive in my husband. About a year and a half ago, our sex life went from fantastic to once a month. We have been married for 11 years. I have talked to him about it 5 or 6 times, to the point that I just feel like an ass. I am 31 years old, and I don't think my husband is attracted to me anymore. I keep reading that long hours at the office, or babies at home are the main causes. Well...he works out of the house (not long hours) and our kids are 8 and 10.

 

He keeps saying there is nothing wrong and that I am being dramatic. Is once a month supposed to be adequate? It's not only the lack of sex, it is the lack of closeness. His preference is to stay up and hang out with the neigbhor rather than come to bed with me. No, I don't go to bed early. It feels like he purposely stays up until he thinks I am asleep just to avoid me.

 

I feel unattractive.

I feel unwanted.

I feel lonely.

 

I am 31, and while I don't look like I did before having 2 kids, I am still a decently attractive person. At least I used to think so. I can't even talk to him about it anymore. His rolling of the eyes and acting like my feelings are an inconvenience to him just solidifies my opinion that he just doesn't care. I don't think I should have to beg for sex. It is humiliating. I walk around feeling like I could burst into tears at any minute. I don't want to leave. I don't want to find someone else to sleep with. I just want to be loved.

 

Sorry I don't have any good advice for you....but you are not alone.

[Lizzie60]

move on... this time get a younger guy.

 

I think this guy is hopeless and nothing will change, but I feel from one of your answers that you are willing to live a sexless life with this guy... that would be your choice.

 

I prefer much younger guys for that reason, they are full of 'sexual energy'. 'I rather be a babysitter than a nurse'...LOL

[luvstarved]

Ladies, I have been dealing with this for 8 years. I have tried everything with little success. I wish I had a better answer.

 

I gave an ultimatum about 10 months ago and the sex increased to 3x a week (as opposed to that many times a year) but not the intimacy. It was like a chore for him. I got every excuse under the sun. After a while it started to dwindle again. Latest counselor talked about intimacy and giving, etc and so once, for first time in 8 years, H went down on me. Now we are at a rate of about 1x every 10 days or so and the gap appears to be widening.

 

The weird part is the reluctance to talk about it. I am very sexually open minded as my H knows, but so what? I could work with him to find a mutually satisfying scenario but he's just not interested.

 

Of course, the reasons may differ from guy to guy. Some really lose libido, some are having affairs, some have physical issues like ED.

 

My theory is that the number one reason is probably masturbation, with or without porn. If you have not checked up on whether your SO is checking out porn online, you might want to do that. It is not hard to cover up but even if you find NO history at all, that's an indication that they ARE covering up what they're looking at.

 

They also don't need large chunks of time to get their fix for the most part. Just a couple of minutes is enough to feed their imaginations for a while. So it isn't something you would necessarily just know.

 

It isn't like the old days where guys had to hide a physical stash of porn, they can just zip online and zip off (or jerk off, perhaps I should say).

 

And if you don't think that they are masturbating, think again. I have had live in relationships with 5 men. One of them swore he never masturbated, and I admit I never caught him in the act. The other 4 had the same location for doing their "private business", and that was the bathroom. Think they're just taking a morning crap? Think again. I caught them all at one time or another...one did it over the toilet, one into the sink and two in the shower. Romantic, eh?

 

I have no problem with masturbation as a supplemental activity but I have a big problem with it as a complete substitute for real sex.

 

Most guys, or maybe in the old days again, would masturbate occasionally just for the ease and convenience...but with all the easy porn it seems that it is becoming epidemic and emerging as an actual common sexual preference!

 

Ladies, we cannot compete with a situation in which guys have these rich visual images of beautiful women who want nothing more than to give our men whatever they want sexually, whenever they want, with nothing in return. Many men who get into the porn find that having sex with a real woman is just not stimulating enough for them.

 

Even if porn is not involved, many men like masturbation because they get precisely the stimulation they want...and again, have to give nothing in return for their pleasure.

 

Of course, all of this starts with pure selfishness, and ends with a real inability to have a normal sexual relationship. It's ok with them - hell their needs are being met. What's the problem?

 

I got on my H's case about the porn - because of the addiction danger and our sexless state. I am computer engineer so I know he stopped looking...then he had one old Playboy that he bought "for an article" - I hid that (he tried to look for another on ebay but chickened out I guess), next I found he was hoarding my black panties. Seems he goes to great lengths to "give" to himself romantically. I took my panties back, without saying a word, so I don't know what he will come up with next.

 

To me, there is only one potential salvation to this situation, and that is to up the intimacy in general. To get to a state where it is about lovemaking vs sex. Try to become best friends, increase openness and honesty, and let the sex go for a while. If you can really get close, I think the sex would take care of itself TO SOME EXTENT.

 

Many of us would be forced to admit that we never really had a close, best friends-like relationship with our H. That makes it hard.

 

In my case, I have not given up yet. But it's getting pretty close.

 

My sympathies with you all.

[abr2683]

I, too, came across this website seeking information about a sudden loss of sex drive in my husband. About a year and a half ago, our sex life went from fantastic to once a month. We have been married for 11 years. I have talked to him about it 5 or 6 times, to the point that I just feel like an ass. I am 31 years old, and I don't think my husband is attracted to me anymore. I keep reading that long hours at the office, or babies at home are the main causes. Well...he works out of the house (not long hours) and our kids are 8 and 10.

 

He keeps saying there is nothing wrong and that I am being dramatic. Is once a month supposed to be adequate? It's not only the lack of sex, it is the lack of closeness. His preference is to stay up and hang out with the neigbhor rather than come to bed with me. No, I don't go to bed early. It feels like he purposely stays up until he thinks I am asleep just to avoid me.

 

I feel unattractive.

I feel unwanted.

I feel lonely.

 

I am 31, and while I don't look like I did before having 2 kids, I am still a decently attractive person. At least I used to think so. I can't even talk to him about it anymore. His rolling of the eyes and acting like my feelings are an inconvenience to him just solidifies my opinion that he just doesn't care. I don't think I should have to beg for sex. It is humiliating. I walk around feeling like I could burst into tears at any minute. I don't want to leave. I don't want to find someone else to sleep with. I just want to be loved.

 

Sorry I don't have any good advice for you....but you are not alone.

Curly1,

Thank you for your input. I couldn't believe when you mentioned about the rolling of the eyes (my SO does it all the time) and the thing about coming to bed late hoping you'll be asleep. I too feel unloved, unattractive and unwanted. Sounds like we are both in the same situation. The one thing that amazes me is I never knew that so many women had this same problem - it's like some sort of epidemic and I think luvstarved's post says it all. I believe it starts with their selfishness and because it's so easy to access porn and for them to satisfy themselves, we are almost "unnecessary". And men don't need as much physical intimacy as women because we bond by physical intimacy and they don't. The big issue is them not caring enough to satisfy us when we need it and I know my SO is confident that I wouldn't cheat on him so there is no incentive unless I threaten to leave and even then I will only get the "patronizing intimacy" just to smooth things over. I don't really have the answer either but what I do know is that I love him and don't want to be without him, so I'm not ready to give up the ship yet.

[abr2683]

Luvstarved - you really hit the nail on the head! Does all this mean that our men don't love us? I tend to think they do love us, but if they have performance problems it is much easier to "take of business" themselves, so this way they don't have to worry about pleasing anyone else. What they need to realize is that if they gave us physically intimacy (even without intercourse) and were upfront and communicative about their problems, we would be very understanding and patient.

[curiousnycgirl]

Abr -

 

You said that he is seeing a therapist - are you? Have you considered going together? Perhaps a third party will help the communication flow. My bf and I both see the same therapist, and see him together as necessary. My bf is NOT a great communicator - so this has really helped (in fact the first time he told me he loved me was in a session).

 

We women can talk about this until we are blue in the face, but we don't seem to be getting the message through. A therapist can often translate what we are saying into something the men can understand. No they are not stupid they just think very differently than we do.

 

Keep us posted.

[Herzen]

If a man is capable of masturbating to orgasm he does not have "performance problems". What he has is a strong lack of sexual interest in, and indifference to, his partner/lover/wife.

 

This prolonged indifference to a mate's sexual needs is a form of passive aggressive hostility. He knows sex is important to her, yet he withholds it. Why? What's he telling her?

 

The answer depends on the state of the relationship. At a minimum, he's willing to inflict pain and unhappiness on someone he presumably loves for his own advantage. That doesn't sound like "love" to me. In fact, it hardly qualifies as "like."

 

Something's very rotten in a relationship when a guy jerks off and ignores, minimizes and disregards the sexual/intimacy needs of his frustrated partner. Sometimes a bad relationship is worse than no relationship.

 

This is not just about sex: it's about caring for someone as much as she cares for you.

[Krytellan]

My theory is that the number one reason is probably masturbation, with or without porn. If you have not checked up on whether your SO is checking out porn online, you might want to do that. It is not hard to cover up but even if you find NO history at all, that's an indication that they ARE covering up what they're looking at.

 

Yeah, porn, that must be it. It can't be that we aren't interested in the woman...

[abr2683]

Yeah, porn, that must be it. It can't be that we aren't interested in the woman...

 

I'm guessing you are being sarcastic...but if you aren't interested in the woman, why stay? Why not just leave the relationship?

[abr2683]

Herzen,

You are right - it is about caring. We all know already the shortcomings of our men. Problem is that everything is not black and white. If we could just say "I'm not being satisfied, so I'll leave" - that would make life very simple. The thing we are all struggling with is that we love our men and they profess to love us, so we don't want to just walk away.

And a man can have performance problems and still masturbate. His fear may be that he can't get really hard or last very long (performance problem), but he can quickly satisfy himself.

[Herzen]

Herzen,

You are right - it is about caring. We all know already the shortcomings of our men. Problem is that everything is not black and white. If we could just say "I'm not being satisfied, so I'll leave" - that would make life very simple. The thing we are all struggling with is that we love our men and they profess to love us, so we don't want to just walk away.

And a man can have performance problems and still masturbate. His fear may be that he can't get really hard or last very long (performance problem), but he can quickly satisfy himself.

 

You women are often so much more patient and understanding than us guys. I must admit that many men would exit a relationship that many women often endure. Not all, but many.

 

Being in my 50's and having dated, I've heard, from women, two broad types of complaints about 50-something men. First, you have the Players: guys 55 going on 25. Performance enhancing drugs and the Net fuel their playing.

 

Next are the Strikers--those on a sexual work stoppage. Strikers often include guys in relationships: husbands or boy friends who've stopped having sex with their wives and girl friends for manifold reasons--porn, boredom, loss of desire, the love of their right hand, as a passive aggressive tactic to end the relationship, etc.

 

Sometimes a Player will evolve into a Striker, and a Striker into a Player--once he exits.

 

Well, good luck abr.

[abr2683]

Sometimes a Player will evolve into a Striker, and a Striker into a Player--once he exits.

 

In my case, the player turned into a striker several months after we got back together. Exiting had nothing to do with it. He went through a mid life crisis so to speak and wanted younger women, but now that has all seemed to pass. Thank you for your input from the man's prospective.