Emotional Affairs more damage than Sexual Affairs?

[GregsBad]

 

GregsBad, if you are out there can you please answer my previous question as to what you meant with the original post? did you mean an EA vs a sexual fling or an EA vs a full on romantinc A?

 

Here I am!

 

I meant to say that in my opinion: Any EA, of any scale, will be more damaging and profound when sex finally gets added in.

 

Allow me a simplistic analogy:

In ANY EA - from 1 to 10 on the Richter Scale (if I may)

- sex will make it bigger.

- Sort of like an EA of 1.0 with sex added in becomes a 2.0 or higher.

- And a full on EA of 10.0 with sex added in becomes off the scale somewere.

 

I certainly understand that an EA could be more devastating than just a sexual fling. But that's not the question.

 

While many might respond that my question is a no-brainer, there have been many posts in LS that seem to me almost like some betrayed spouses (where was just an EA) have actually said they'd feel better if the thing were sexual.

 

And, of course I at first assumed that they MEANT to say a "sex fling" would have hurt less than the full on EA.

But then some of the follow-on postings show them holding to the first contention. So then I figured I MUST be missn' somethin'

[GregsBad]

Physical affair.

 

Sometimes, like the other night, the mental movies will pop into my head out of nowhere. I'll look at his hands in mine & a graphic image of him fingering her will pop into my head. It makes me sick. I don't want to think of that. How completely gross.

 

The hands that were once so familiar to me, hands that are the same size as mine when pressed together now belong to a stranger. It's like I dont even know him anymore. Yet strangely, there is no one else I even want to touch me. Another preson touching me would repluse me in that exact same way.

 

I get a horrible twist in my gut and when I do think of them together, it takes a tremendous effort to will them to stop. It was much worse in the beginning, but it still hasnt gone completely away.

 

Even never having witnessed them in the act, it replays in my head like a bad porno movie. Its unexplainable. I would guess that since that private, physical intimacy was shared with another woman it's lost it's meaning and very difficult to get back again. It's probably a hundred times worse for a male BS to get back in there after the OM was there.

 

I would have to assume that (sexually) they just about did everything that we did together. My husband is not original. He had alot of practice with me before she ever came along. You know, they had our songs as thir songs, our movies as their movies and so on. I can't watch those anymore without triggering too. I look at his Harley and think of their secret rendezvous and leather coat he bought her. Apparently, it's his thing to buy women leather clothing in the beginning of the relationship. And here I thought I was special. Ha. I wont even wear the ones he bought me anymore.

 

The only weird thing he ever asked for differently (after the affair was over) was ask me to pee for him on the toilet and I almost knocked him through a wall. Never in almost twenty years of marriage has he ever asked for that. I assume it was some new kick he learned from his OW. I said, why dont you go and ask OW to go pee for you, you foggy assh*le.... Needless to say he stopped asking.

 

Hysterical bonding aside, his affair has made lovemaking less special than it used to be for this BS. He can tell if/when I am tripping out, even though I dont say anything, so I have to be careful to hide my pain. That it's adulterated everything he touched. Probably permanantly.

 

I'm not worried that he fantasizes about her because the xOW has a negative effect on his ability to function. If I bring up OW's name when were in bed together, he will not be able to function at all so I've learned not to say anything. Period. If he asks if theres something wrong I say nothing, just tired. Tired is right. What a battle this has been for me.

 

I have read some stories about a WS doing his OW and them coming home and doing his BW with his dirty you know what, or kissing the BW after going down on his OW and that they would be laughing about it between themselves later. That sh*t gives me nightmares. So, I guess it could be worse for me, but then, I'd never know if he did that to me or not. Now would I?

 

 

This is what I'm talking about.

 

And R.T. - FWIW this sounds so devastating it wrenches my gut to hear your real thoughts. But those are the things that MUST go through any normal persons head when they betrayed like that. The outsider's wonder why complete forgivenes is so hard.

 

Even looking at his hands ...

 

Anyway - I can assure you that many men would also go whacko - dealing with images of some other dude between his wifes legs.

[Trimmer]

It's not all bad though, the hysterical bonding will make you feel like a kid all over again, so it does have its benefits sometimes, though I'd like to emphasize I'd rather not have gone through the affair at all to achieve that high.

Interesting point. I have to say that the emotions I have felt as a result of the end of my marriage, and the manner in which it ended, are more intense, both high and low, than anything that has come before, and I don't regret that at all. If there was a silver lining...

 

I meant to say that in my opinion: Any EA, of any scale, will be more damaging and profound when sex finally gets added in.

OK, I would have to agree that this would be my expectation, too.

 

And, of course I at first assumed that they MEANT to say a "sex fling" would have hurt less than the full on EA.

But then some of the follow-on postings show them holding to the first contention. So then I figured I MUST be missn' somethin'

Yeah, me, too... The only think I can think of is when you are hurt and in shock, you grasp for anything that might make you feel better, anything to help you understand. And sometimes the things we grasp at we see through the distorted lens of our grief, anger, anguish, and maybe don't make sense in the light of day...

 

Everything becomes so twisted - we just wish it was some other way, even if we can't really figure out what... A wierd twist on the "grass is greener" syndrome, maybe? "I'll take anything different", even though from an outside view, it seems painfully obvious that this wouldn't really be any better, and would probably, in fact, be worse...

[GregsBad]

The only think I can think of is when you are hurt and in shock, you grasp for anything that might make you feel better, anything to help you understand. And sometimes the things we grasp at we see through the distorted lens of our grief, anger, anguish, and maybe don't make sense in the light of day...

 

Everything becomes so twisted - we just wish it was some other way, even if we can't really figure out what... A wierd twist on the "grass is greener" syndrome, maybe? "I'll take anything different", even though from an outside view, it seems painfully obvious that this wouldn't really be any better, and would probably, in fact, be worse...

 

This makes sence - thanks.

It was probably intuitively obvious to you before - but now it is to me too.

 

This is one of the things I like about this sort of forum.

 

There are descriptions and explanations - sort of floating in the air - difficult to grasp.

Then someone plucks a good one out of the air, she can see it, and puts it into words that make sence.

[Trimmer]

Then someone plucks a good one out of the air, she can see it, and puts it into words that make sence.

Dude.... did you say "she" ?

[GregsBad]

Dude.... did you say "she" ?

 

Aww jeeez ... I'm sorry buddy.

You did show a little unique insite there ... and uh ...

 

I won't do that again

[Frances]

IfWishesWereHorses

 

I also, though, think that the EA was more detrimental to the Relationship or marriage. When a person turns toward another emotionally then they have a need to find fault or justify it in their own mind so they decide to make the other the enemy or reason for their betrayal. This is the largest injustice to me. Not only are you betrayed but NOW you are the enemy and the cause of their lack of character. All of their unhappiness becomes YOUR fault. THAT is what tears the marraige up, apart from the obvious.

 

You have just put into words what I feel happened in my marriage.

[IpAncA]

In another thread there was a controversy where one or more posters said an EA can cause more damage than an SA.

 

I know I've never been in one but for me, the SA would do it. My reason is hard to explain on a fourm...BIG long complete reason.

 

If he betrayed that, it would break my heart along with everything we had. And to me that's unforgiveable and it shows what he turly thinks of me and our relationship.

 

And everyone can tell me all the excuses in the world for why EA/SA happen but when it comes down it, is it worth it? Probably not and I can think of a better way to have a marriage wake-up call then an affair. No need to include another women/man.

 

An EA would hurt me but not like a SA would.

[Woman Whisperer]

Greg, I don't get the avatar?

[GregsBad]

Greg, I don't get the avatar?

 

They're happy feet!

 

His toes are down and dug in ... her toes are up and wigglin'

[Trimmer]

Aww jeeez ... I'm sorry buddy.

You did show a little unique insite there ... and uh ...

 

I won't do that again

No sweat - I think it's kind of funny. It happened once before, too. Not quite sure what to think about that...

[mopar crazy]

I haven't read all the replies but this is my opinion on EA vs. PA.

 

My WH A started out as and EA that turned into a PA shortly after. The xOW own H gave me poems and letters from my H to his W. Reading them hurt so badly. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life w/ her, wanted to share his life, and his kids (our kids,that part REALLY pissed me off). He said if he could he would marry her that day. The words went through my heart like a dagger. I never cried so hard in my life. I never had been so hurt. I couldn't imagine them having sex. I just couldn't. I was in denial. Both the xOW and my sister told me they have to be having sex, but I didn't want to believe them. H never admitted to any A, either EA or PA. He denied everytime I asked. I told H I had the letters and poems. I never cried to him about what they said. He denied ever writing them.

 

FF to three months later when we were both were going through a seperation and D he called me and admitted that he did have sex w/ the OW. I immediately started crying on the phone w/ him. The pain I felt that he had slept w/ her hurt more than what the letters and poems. The sexual part of their A hurt more than the EA.

 

When we first started having sex again (after several weeks of talking about reconciling) it was extremely hard for me. The letters and the poems weren't making it hard, it was the fact he had slept w/ another woman.

[frannie]

In another thread there was a controversy where one or more posters said an EA can cause more damage than an SA.

 

EA=Emotional Affair SA= Sexual Affair

 

Now "affair" means "of some length" as opposed to a one night stand right?

 

Generally speaking, how could it possibly true that an EA could cause more damage than an SA? I don't believe it.

 

I say that if you take ANY EA -

whether it ranks 1 or 10 on the extreem scale

... add sex

... and it is automaticaly worse than if there was no sex.

 

I'm referring to damage to the participants AND/OR damage to betrayed spouse and family.

 

Please enlighten me

 

And I don't mean where a boy has a crush on a girl, but never got laid.

OK - THAT would be more devastating, to me, than if there was sex.

 

Doesn't it all depend on who the people involved are, and what their needs are, and where they would feel most betrayed?

 

I have only skimmed the thread but I think... for me, I contribute a huge amount both emotionaly and physically into a relationship I'm in... if the man involved in that choses to divert some of his energy somewhere else I'd be really angry. Not to say disappointed and totally dismissing him as not trying, since I have been (yes, I will have been... I go into a relationship for the relationship, not for the house, the status, the children, for who I'm with)

 

So... if I'm with someone who cheats on me, I'm not sure it would matter more or less whether it was conversations or sexual.. I'd just like to know why the devil he chose to be with her rather than me for any reason. I was there for him.. and if he did chose that... he's welcome to her.

[dignityback]

Doesn't it all depend on who the people involved are, and what their needs are, and where they would feel most betrayed?

 

I have only skimmed the thread but I think... for me, I contribute a huge amount both emotionaly and physically into a relationship I'm in... if the man involved in that choses to divert some of his energy somewhere else I'd be really angry. Not to say disappointed and totally dismissing him as not trying, since I have been (yes, I will have been... I go into a relationship for the relationship, not for the house, the status, the children, for who I'm with)

 

So... if I'm with someone who cheats on me, I'm not sure it would matter more or less whether it was conversations or sexual.. I'd just like to know why the devil he chose to be with her rather than me for any reason. I was there for him.. and if he did chose that... he's welcome to her.

 

 

This is too much. I am going to stop.

Frannie you really are excellent at giving other people good advice and lousy at taking you own.

Your mm choses to go back to his wife yet you don't say that she's welcome to him....