Emotional Affairs more damage than Sexual Affairs?

[scaredinlove]

They call it Romantic Affair when you have both physical and emotional closeness. I read somewhere that MMs in Romantic affairs are the ones who live the W for the OW.I also read that the W will have a harder time forgiving a Romantic Affair than a Fling. So I guess it causes a lot more damage.

[Impudent Oyster]

I absolutely believe that an emotional affair is more damaging than an affair that is sexual only, or a one-night stand, or f@ck buddies, whatever you want to call it.

 

No doubt about it.

 

I'd much rather my husband get his rocks off with no emotional connection than fall in love with another woman, even if there is no sex. That's a no-brainer.

[me_me]

OK. But then if you and MM had progressed to regularly making love together, in addition to the EA, isn't it true that the affair would have been more damaging to your marriage ... and even had more of a profound impact on you? Just you?

 

 

100% TRUE been there done that,and still find it really hard to deal with..EA lead to love and me and my MM go through it right now...and the more you intimate the more you feel attach..and its hard to get out..and if you in M like mine when you started to love someone else rather than your H ...it will damage your marriage and if the marriage had a black side or we call its not going well ....its will end sooner or later......in my situation the foundation of my marriage is not love ..because we have kids which we love and adored and do not want to change in the world...we feel the need of MUST be together than ..yes we love each other....with the intimate side in your marriage i find it hard to have it with my H ..every time we made love the flash of my MM always there...because its so emotion you gone through with the MM ....no matter how hard you try ...there no succeed and its destroy the marriage severely

[Frances]

EA s on there own can do a dreadful amount of damage to a marriage. Often the person having one does not believe its an affair because there is no sex. Because of the internet people are conducting EA s more often. Before people would meet someone be attracted to them spend a short time with them and then say goodbye and not meet them again or at least not very often and no damage would happen to the marriage. Now as what happened in my h EA, he met her at a conference nothing happened just friendly conversation and then they emailed each other, did not meet for another 3 years and the relationship continued over the years. In 11 years they only met up on 5 different occassions and still the relationship built up to a very strong EA which because of distance it never crossed over to a PA. It did a lot of harm to our marriage even when I did not know about it. Since finding out I am not sure if our marriage will survive this EA. So EA s are very serious, If he had had a quick roll in the hay he would have known it was wrong and would most likely not have done it or certainly not repeated the act as he would have felt the guilt.

[TogetherForever]

Now I need to ask:

What constitutes an emotional affair?

[Frances]

Now I need to ask:

What constitutes an emotional affair?

 

An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage, but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship. In an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other party and may experience increasing sexual tension.

If you believe that a person's emotional energy is limited, then if your spouse is sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else, an emotional affair has developed.

Although cheaters are often guilt-free in an emotional affair because there is no sex involved, their spouses often view an emotional affair as damaging as a sexual affair.

Much of the pain and hurt from an emotional affair is due to the deception, lies, and feelings of being betrayed.

 

 

 

An emotional affair generally starts innocently enough as a friendship.

 

 

Through investing emotional energy and time with one another outside the marriage relationship, the former platonic friendship can begin to form a strong emotional bond which hurts the intimacy of the marriage relationship.

While there are those who believe that an emotional affair is harmless, most marriage experts view an emotional affair as cheating without having a sexual relationship.

Emotional affairs are often gateway affairs leading to full blown sexual infidelity.

[Sheba]

C, both. Or perhaps that should be "either".

 

I would be unable to get past an emotional affair or a purely physical affair. This is what I believe of myself, anyway. I think either one would be absolutely crushing, all confidence in the relationship and all trust would be gone.

 

My husband was/is carrying on a "flirtation" or had a "crush" - I don't believe the relationship ever reached a point that anyone would call it an "EA" - and this alone has been rather devastating.

[Meaplus3]

Together, Here's a brief bit about Emotional Affair's that I found in an article on the web.

 

Definition: An emotional affair is a secret relationship that involves intimate sharings with some one other than a spouse.

If a person is no longer confiding thoughts and feelings with his/her spouse, the individual is either in an emotional affair or ready for one.

 

AP

[TogetherForever]

Together, Here's a brief bit about Emotional Affair's that I found in an article on the web.

 

Definition: An emotional affair is a secret relationship that involves intimate sharings with some one other than a spouse.

If a person is no longer confiding thoughts and feelings with his/her spouse, the individual is either in an emotional affair or ready for one.

 

AP

 

Thank You AP!

I was trying to figure out what LS'rs would call my relationship in the beginning with my s/o.

It started out as a physical attraction & then emotions entered. We now have all the elements that make up an awesome relationship.

:love:

[Trimmer]

Since he's a guy I'm sure the feeling's would have been less severe than for myself.

I'm can't help chiding you for this comment.... It may be true in your particular case, and it may be related to the fact that he was playing the particular role of MM, but I don't think you can use "since he's a guy, I'm sure" as your guideline to how deeply men feel things.

 

If you believe that a person's emotional energy is limited, then if your spouse is sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else, an emotional affair has developed.

Actually, even if you don't necessarily believe that a person's emotional energy is limited, that's irrelevant. The secret sharing of intimate thoughts and feelings, the secret providing and receiving of intimate energy and support, and the withholding of those within the marriage crosses many peoples' marital boundaries and constitutes a betrayal whether you consider it a zero-sum tradeoff or not.

[Trimmer]

Thank You AP!

I was trying to figure out what LS'rs would call my relationship in the beginning with my s/o.

It started out as a physical attraction & then emotions entered. We now have all the elements that make up an awesome relationship.

:love:

Well, that mostly depends on whether you were developing your new relationship and keeping it a secret from someone with whom you already had a committed relationship at the time.

 

The label - "what we call it" - is mostly important in discussing the damage and fallout in pathological situations (like affairs...) so we can have somewhat of a common language to talk.

 

If you just met as two singles, then it becomes the engaging story of how you met and got together, but I don't think people tend to label it as a certain kind of affair...

[Tomcat33]

I'm can't help chiding you for this comment.... It may be true in your particular case, and it may be related to the fact that he was playing the particular role of MM, but I don't think you can use "since he's a guy, I'm sure" as your guideline to how deeply men feel things.

 

 

.

 

Actually though I dislike making generalizations I would have to agree with answerplease, I also believe men feel things differently so I can see where she is coming from in her statement.

 

If we look at MM in As vs MW in As the MM will mull over and over and over whether to stay or go, they will drag their feet for as long as they can until they either get caught or the OW gets fed up of waiting and inevitably ends the A. where as the MW who have As more than likely will end up leaving their spouses, they don't drag their feet as much. So that in itself would prove that women feel things differently than men.

 

GregsBad, if you are out there can you please answer my previous question as to what you meant with the original post? did you mean an EA vs a sexual fling or an EA vs a full on romantinc A?

[Ruby Tuesday]

Physical affair.

 

Sometimes, like the other night, the mental movies will pop into my head out of nowhere. I'll look at his hands in mine & a graphic image of him fingering her will pop into my head. It makes me sick. I don't want to think of that. How completely gross.

 

The hands that were once so familiar to me, hands that are the same size as mine when pressed together now belong to a stranger. It's like I dont even know him anymore. Yet strangely, there is no one else I even want to touch me. Another preson touching me would repluse me in that exact same way.

 

I get a horrible twist in my gut and when I do think of them together, it takes a tremendous effort to will them to stop. It was much worse in the beginning, but it still hasnt gone completely away.

 

Even never having witnessed them in the act, it replays in my head like a bad porno movie. Its unexplainable. I would guess that since that private, physical intimacy was shared with another woman it's lost it's meaning and very difficult to get back again. It's probably a hundred times worse for a male BS to get back in there after the OM was there.

 

I would have to assume that (sexually) they just about did everything that we did together. My husband is not original. He had alot of practice with me before she ever came along. You know, they had our songs as thir songs, our movies as their movies and so on. I can't watch those anymore without triggering too. I look at his Harley and think of their secret rendezvous and leather coat he bought her. Apparently, it's his thing to buy women leather clothing in the beginning of the relationship. And here I thought I was special. Ha. I wont even wear the ones he bought me anymore.

 

The only weird thing he ever asked for differently (after the affair was over) was ask me to pee for him on the toilet and I almost knocked him through a wall. Never in almost twenty years of marriage has he ever asked for that. I assume it was some new kick he learned from his OW. I said, why dont you go and ask OW to go pee for you, you foggy assh*le.... Needless to say he stopped asking.

 

Hysterical bonding aside, his affair has made lovemaking less special than it used to be for this BS. He can tell if/when I am tripping out, even though I dont say anything, so I have to be careful to hide my pain. That it's adulterated everything he touched. Probably permanantly.

 

I'm not worried that he fantasizes about her because the xOW has a negative effect on his ability to function. If I bring up OW's name when were in bed together, he will not be able to function at all so I've learned not to say anything. Period. If he asks if theres something wrong I say nothing, just tired. Tired is right. What a battle this has been for me.

 

I have read some stories about a WS doing his OW and them coming home and doing his BW with his dirty you know what, or kissing the BW after going down on his OW and that they would be laughing about it between themselves later. That sh*t gives me nightmares. So, I guess it could be worse for me, but then, I'd never know if he did that to me or not. Now would I?

[Trimmer]

Actually though I dislike making generalizations I would have to agree with answerplease, I also believe men feel things differently so I can see where she is coming from in her statement.

 

If we look at MM in As vs MW in As the MM will mull over and over and over whether to stay or go, they will drag their feet for as long as they can until they either get caught or the OW gets fed up of waiting and inevitably ends the A. where as the MW who have As more than likely will end up leaving their spouses, they don't drag their feet as much. So that in itself would prove that women feel things differently than men.

I'm not arguing that women feel things differently than men, and as I mentioned, if her statement was in the context of her man, playing the role of a married man in an affair, then I can understand, and your comments make sense. But she cast a very wide net with her statement:

 

Since he's a guy I'm sure the feeling's would have been less severe than for myself.

In all fairness, I am probably totally projecting onto my own situation here. If my wife said this about her affairs and her departure from our marriage, she would be full of s**t. Yes, of course, men do feel things differently, but it doesn't mean, as a blanket statement, that we all feel things less severely. Each case is its own; everyone - men and women both - put up different protective barriers of denial and coldness depending on the situation.

 

So I'm not saying AP is wrong about her man, just that her statement kind of struck me as an awfully broad generalization.

[TogetherForever]

RT,

Reading your post gave me knots in my belly:(.

How do you manage in your marriage when you feel that way?

How does your husband deal with you feeling like you do?

You're a stronger person than I am. That's for sure.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Actually, even if you don't necessarily believe that a person's emotional energy is limited, that's irrelevant. The secret sharing of intimate thoughts and feelings, the secret providing and receiving of intimate energy and support, and the withholding of those within the marriage crosses many peoples' marital boundaries and constitutes a betrayal whether you consider it a zero-sum tradeoff or not.

 

I agree. Many complaints from BS's are the betrayal.

 

The lying, scheming and scamming, even when confronted they will lie on top of a lie. ie. she's just a friend, you're out of your mind, etc. The backtalking and the demonizing also has a big effect on the BS's mind as well, even if it is a lie.

 

There are BS's that are horrified by even a one night stand, or an EA but compared to a LTA/PA I think they got off pretty easy in comparison.

[Trimmer]

See, I had the same response as TogetherForever in reading RT's post... knots in my stomach, and I cringe at her pain.

 

And that brings me back to my original point (I think it was, anyway...) which is that I don't think you can objectively measure "which one is worse." We all feel things differently, feel betrayal differently, and have different places where we are particularly fragile.

 

I can come to the conclusion - even having been through both scenarios - that I could get past the physical part, but the emotional connection was the worst for me, but even knowing that, it doesn't diminish or invalidate for an instant the pain I hear in RT's story.

 

The worst pain is that which you experience yourself.

[Meaplus3]

Physical affair.

 

Sometimes, like the other night, the mental movies will pop into my head out of nowhere. I'll look at his hands in mine & a graphic image of him fingering her will pop into my head. It makes me sick. I don't want to think of that. How completely gross.

 

The hands that were once so familiar to me, hands that are the same size as mine when pressed together now belong to a stranger. It's like I dont even know him anymore. Yet strangely, there is no one else I even want to touch me. Another preson touching me would repluse me in that exact same way.

 

I get a horrible twist in my gut and when I do think of them together, it takes a tremendous effort to will them to stop. It was much worse in the beginning, but it still hasnt gone completely away.

 

Even never having witnessed them in the act, it replays in my head like a bad porno movie. Its unexplainable. I would guess that since that private, physical intimacy was shared with another woman it's lost it's meaning and very difficult to get back again. It's probably a hundred times worse for a male BS to get back in there after the OM was there.

 

I would have to assume that (sexually) they just about did everything that we did together. My husband is not original. He had alot of practice with me before she ever came along. You know, they had our songs as thir songs, our movies as their movies and so on. I can't watch those anymore without triggering too. I look at his Harley and think of their secret rendezvous and leather coat he bought her. Apparently, it's his thing to buy women leather clothing in the beginning of the relationship. And here I thought I was special. Ha. I wont even wear the ones he bought me anymore.

 

The only weird thing he ever asked for differently (after the affair was over) was ask me to pee for him on the toilet and I almost knocked him through a wall. Never in almost twenty years of marriage has he ever asked for that. I assume it was some new kick he learned from his OW. I said, why dont you go and ask OW to go pee for you, you foggy assh*le.... Needless to say he stopped asking.

 

Hysterical bonding aside, his affair has made lovemaking less special than it used to be for this BS. He can tell if/when I am tripping out, even though I dont say anything, so I have to be careful to hide my pain. That it's adulterated everything he touched. Probably permanantly.

 

I'm not worried that he fantasizes about her because the xOW has a negative effect on his ability to function. If I bring up OW's name when were in bed together, he will not be able to function at all so I've learned not to say anything. Period. If he asks if theres something wrong I say nothing, just tired. Tired is right. What a battle this has been for me.

 

I have read some stories about a WS doing his OW and them coming home and doing his BW with his dirty you know what, or kissing the BW after going down on his OW and that they would be laughing about it between themselves later. That sh*t gives me nightmares. So, I guess it could be worse for me, but then, I'd never know if he did that to me or not. Now would I?

 

Gosh Ruby I had NO idea what you have been through, I really feel for you. I must say your a strong woman RT, very strong.

 

AP

[IfWishesWereHorses]

the mental movies will pop into my head out of nowhere. I'll look at his hands in mine & a graphic image of him fingering her will pop into my head. It makes me sick. I don't want to think of that. How completely gross.

 

The hands that were once so familiar to me, hands that are the same size as mine when pressed together now belong to a stranger. It's like I dont even know him anymore.

 

 

his affair has made lovemaking less special than it used to be for this BS. He can tell if/when I am tripping out, even though I dont say anything, so I have to be careful to hide my pain. That it's adulterated everything he touched. Probably permanantly.

 

God do I know this feeling.Oh, the places I go to get away from it! It takes complete disconnection to deal. I wouldn't dare trip out though as that would be perceived as ME ruining his experience. I just take care of my own peace of mind during and after the act.

 

 

I have read some stories about a WS doing his OW and them coming home and doing his BW with his dirty you know what,

 

 

 

For this reason I ask him to shower up first. The thought alone repulses me but would surely turn him on. I am also sure though that any sex between us is simply a means for him to live out his "fantasy of the day".

 

I also, though, think that the EA was more detrimental to the Relationship or marriage. When a person turns toward another emotionally then they have a need to find fault or justify it in their own mind so they decide to make the other the enemy or reason for their betrayal. This is the largest injustice to me. Not only are you betrayed but NOW you are the enemy and the cause of their lack of character. All of their unhappiness becomes YOUR fault. THAT is what tears the marraige up, apart from the obvious.

 

I am very surprised by trimmers post though. I have always felt that men would be more hurt by the physical aspects of an affair moreso than the emotional and visa versa for women.

[Meaplus3]

I'm not arguing that women feel things differently than men, and as I mentioned, if her statement was in the context of her man, playing the role of a married man in an affair, then I can understand, and your comments make sense. But she cast a very wide net with her statement:

 

 

In all fairness, I am probably totally projecting onto my own situation here. If my wife said this about her affairs and her departure from our marriage, she would be full of s**t. Yes, of course, men do feel things differently, but it doesn't mean, as a blanket statement, that we all feel things less severely. Each case is its own; everyone - men and women both - put up different protective barriers of denial and coldness depending on the situation.

 

So I'm not saying AP is wrong about her man, just that her statement kind of struck me as an awfully broad generalization.

 

Trimmer, You are right, what I wrote was pretty general, sorry about that.

 

AP

[Ruby Tuesday]

RT,

Reading your post gave me knots in my belly:(.

How do you manage in your marriage when you feel that way?

How does your husband deal with you feeling like you do?

You're a stronger person than I am. That's for sure.

 

It was my faith and trust and character that allowed the affair to start and it is that same faith and trust and character in me that will save us.

 

The OW cannot compare to me, even her best (pretentious) act of being the perfect woman who can never do any wrong. A persons true character will eventually shine through even the worst of times, and this would be one of those times.

 

He has changed alot and he is patient with me on my (rare) bad days. He doesnt give me that "get over it" line. He spoils me with affection and understanding. This flashback-thing is an effect of the trauma he caused me, so he lets me get through it at my own pace.

 

FYI It is pretty common in R for this to happen, it's not exclusive to my marriage alone. If the OW was messing around still, I couldnt do it. One of the key elements of R is NC with the OW. There can never be a marriage with three people involved in it.

[TogetherForever]

Understood RT & thank you again for taking the time to reply.

Much happiness to you & your husband!!

[Trimmer]

Trimmer, You are right, what I wrote was pretty general, sorry about that.

No big deal - I meant it in a kind of a gentle tone (thus the winky on my original comment) and I think even at the time I reacted to it, I already knew I was very much taking it personally. I just couldn't stop myself!!! :D (Hey, isn't that what people say about affairs??? )

 

He has changed alot and he is patient with me on my (rare) bad days. He doesnt give me that "get over it" line. He spoils me with affection and understanding.

I am SOooooo glad for you for this. This was very much missing in our relationship (the most I got was a token "I'll understand if it takes you some time to get over it," but other than that she pretty clearly didn't want to be involved in the process...) and I think it would have made ALL the difference towards a successful recovery in our case. Very good luck to you, RT.

[Ruby Tuesday]

 

God do I know this feeling.Oh, the places I go to get away from it! It takes complete disconnection to deal. I wouldn't dare trip out though as that would be perceived as ME ruining his experience. I just take care of my own peace of mind during and after the act.

 

It helps if there is a tv on, so I can tune out the negative thoughts by focusing on the sopranos or whatever is on until the bad feelings fade away. The idea is to forget about the other woman and focus on your man. Pretend you are a movie star acting a role until you fall into the role of his favorite pornstar. lol. Also turning him on is a big turn on for me. I still have a hardbody and can flip his lightswitch anytime I want to.

 

It's not all bad though, the hysterical bonding will make you feel like a kid all over again, so it does have its benefits sometimes, though I'd like to emphasize I'd rather not have gone through the affair at all to achieve that high.

 

Gosh Ruby I had NO idea what you have been through, I really feel for you. I must say your a strong woman RT, very strong.

 

AP

 

This is exactly why I dont want you to turn his BS into one of us. So what if she is happy all the time? She deserves to be happy all the time because she wasnt the one who hurt you. He did that all by himself. Men like xMM dont care who they hurt. He didnt care about her. He didnt care about you. The only person he is concerned with is himself.

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Go put a little cat scratch on his car because he seems to be that shallow of a man, and that would probably be the only thing that would really "hurt" him.

 

Heheheh.

[Meaplus3]

It helps if there is a tv on, so I can tune out the negative thoughts by focusing on the sopranos or whatever is on until the bad feelings fade away. The idea is to forget about the other woman and focus on your man. Pretend you are a movie star acting a role until you fall into the role of his favorite pornstar. lol. Also turning him on is a big turn on for me. I still have a hardbody and can flip his lightswitch anytime I want to.

 

It's not all bad though, the hysterical bonding will make you feel like a kid all over again, so it does have its benefits sometimes, though I'd like to emphasize I'd rather not have gone through the affair at all to achieve that high.

 

 

 

This is exactly why I dont want you to turn his BS into one of us. So what if she is happy all the time? She deserves to be happy all the time because she wasnt the one who hurt you. He did that all by himself. Men like xMM dont care who they hurt. He didnt care about her. He didnt care about you. The only person he is concerned with is himself.

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Go put a little cat scratch on his car because he seems to be that shallow of a man, and that would probably be the only thing that would really "hurt" him.

 

Heheheh.

 

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Go put a little cat scratch on his car because he seems to be that shallow of a man, and that would probably be the only thing that would really "hurt" him.

 

hehehe!! But I would never do that, although is sound's appealing. :lmao:After reading about your story Ruby I can understand now why you would not want me to tell. I don't plan to anymore it would do NO good for anyone. You are right about the fact the mm is very shallow!

 

AP