Holding off on having sex for too long...

[Star Gazer]

Then afterwards she was straddling me and said that if she goes down on me then I have to go down on her again.

 

...

 

She then says she's not going to go down on me unless I go down on her a second time afterwards.

 

...

 

Then she said she doesn't like the tit-for-tat stuff with regard to physical intimacy and didn't like that she found herself actively participating and didn't want a relationship like that.

 

She's confusing me. Wasn't SHE the one establishing the tit-for-tat here?

[tanbark813]

Another thing that I wanted to touch on is that men need to ask more questions about WHY a girl is holding off on sex. If you take the time to ask why WITHOUT doing it in an accusatory manner, then she will open up to you and you will understand her.

 

I did that. The first time we had the conversation I asked her if something was wrong or she wasn't comfortable with me but she said there was no problem. Her main point was that she "likes to experience relationships in stages and isn't ready for that level of intimacy".

 

I dunno, Tanny. Maybe you did act like an a$$ by having the conversation on the phone,

 

Since this has been mentioned a couple times I should make it clear that while this last conversation was over the phone, we had the same conversation twice before in person when we were laying in bed. It wasn't a new topic.

 

Are you certain she's not a virgin?

 

Well she's 35, has had multiple relationships--her last of which was 7 years. Unless she's lying about that I doubt ANY guy could hold off for 7 years.

 

I disagree. I see it a 2 adults who have a conversation about what their needs are.

 

If a girl feels pressured by on open, honest conversation then there's you're sign.

 

Exactly. Thank you.

 

I guess I'm confused. Why are you saying you're being teased? When you said you were having oral sex, I assumed you were having orgasms, too. Is she only giving you oral up to a point, and then stopping before you have an orgasm?

 

If she does finish the job, then why are you so frustrated? You only had another week before her two month comfort zone.

 

She would bring me to orgasm but if an orgasm is all it takes to satisfy me then I could just beat off at home. This kind of goes along with S_G's reference to SITC but from the guy point of view. Oral sex is nice and everything but each person is only receiving. You're not giving and receiving at the same time like during intercourse. You connect differently. You get your whole body into it and it becomes more spiritual that just laying back and having her suck your cock. Also, for me, oral is part of foreplay. To get all worked up giving her oral but then not be able to have intercourse is most definitely a tease.

[peace_pipe]

Oh, a real man's ego should not be that fragile

 

Another woman who expects men not to have emotional needs?

 

A real man knows what his needs are and is not afraid to express them.

[tanbark813]

Anyway, I know I'd be upset, hurt, AND angry if I put all that effort and time into a relationship, didn't get any, and then got the brush off for bringing it up. But I'm a horndog...so...

 

Hugs to you, Tanny.

 

Thanks, baby.

 

She's confusing me. Wasn't SHE the one establishing the tit-for-tat here?

 

Yeah, and she said didn't like that she was doing that and didn't want a relationship like that. Uhhhhh, okaaaayyy, just don't do that then. Nobody ever said women were rational.

[SouthernT]

So the best way to obtain something is to ingore it?

 

Look, it's easy....SILENCE has a different psychological effect. It's simple: Dont say anything about sex and a girl will say to herself "why hasnt he tried to have sex with me?"

 

Just like men and relationships. If a girl comes flat out and says "I want a relationship" a guy typically says "umm...no, I'm not ready" But if we dont but you guys about wanting a relationship and let you make up your own mind about wanting one, it turns out much better for both parties.

 

And for those of you saying that any woman that is able to hold off, has a low sex drive......YOU are DEAD WRONG. I'ts been 1 year and a half for me with no sex. And beleive me, my sex drive is pretty high. However, me wanting sex on a daily basis DOES NOT outweigh my responsibility to take care of my heart and who I give it to. I have to take responsibility for my actions.

[peace_pipe]

I absolutely agree.

 

I wasn't expecting that.

[marlena]

Tb,

I understand exactly how you feel. Unfortunately (UGH!!) What I don't understand is how you can do everything else including oral and then not have sex? Isn't oral having sex anyway? I mean, is sounds so prudish and a bit hypocritical in my book.

 

Or she sounds very young. How old is she?

[peace_pipe]

Look, it's easy....SILENCE has a different psychological effect. It's simple: Dont say anything about sex and a girl will say to herself "why hasnt he tried to have sex with me?"

 

I agree with what you are saying - this is the way it is.

 

I don't agree with the principal though. It just seems like silly games to me. For me, I would much rather a woman and I be able to talk about issues of this nature. If two grown adults can't sit down and discuss this issue, then what do you really have?

 

I believe that a healthy relationship is based on communication and nothing about this says "healthy communication" to me.

[DanielMadr]

It is clear now. She is a bitch. Tit for Tat? Go down for second time?. Come on:rolleyes:

 

TanBark get a grip and please forget her completely.

[Star Gazer]

She would bring me to orgasm but if an orgasm is all it takes to satisfy me then I could just beat off at home. This kind of goes along with S_G's reference to SITC but from the guy point of view. Oral sex is nice and everything but each person is only receiving. You're not giving and receiving at the same time like during intercourse. You connect differently. You get your whole body into it and it becomes more spiritual that just laying back and having her suck your cock. Also, for me, oral is part of foreplay. To get all worked up giving her oral but then not be able to have intercourse is most definitely a tease.

 

You get it it!!

 

 

 

 

 

ST, we're not saying women who just-so-happen to not be having sex (because they're not in a relationship, or injured, or separated by 15,000 miles) have a low sex drive. But if you're honestly saying that while in a relationship you're completely able to go without, then IMHO you DO have a low sex-drive.

[peace_pipe]

You get it it!!

 

ST, we're not saying women who just-so-happen to not be having sex (because they're not in a relationship, or injured, or separated by 15,000 miles) have a low sex drive. But if you're honestly saying that while in a relationship you're completely able to go without, then IMHO you DO have a low sex-drive.

 

I absolutely agree.

 

Every woman I have had sex with happened before 7 weeks, not to mention the 2 years you knew her previously.

 

This would lead me to believe something else is going on with her. It could be so many things the possibilities are endless.

[SouthernT]

The ironic thing is that if I only wanted sex it would be easy to wait. I could just bang other girls in the meantime and it wouldn't matter when she was ready. But the fact that I did want something more made it hard to not take personally"

 

OK.... expand on this Tan. Because this is confusing. This ties into my thread about "MEN & THE CHASE". Have you expressed to her that you have stronger feelings for her than that and that you want a relationship? Explain this because maybe we (women) don't understand where a man is coming from when he wants sex early in the relationship. I dont see anything with waiting because it gives both of you time to figure out if you feelings are that of lust or something more meaningful. Are you saying that a guy doesnt need to wait without sex to figure out if he wants more than sex from a girl? Help us to understand this?

[Star Gazer]

I forgot about the two-years part! Jeeeezus. Yeah, um, no... I wouldn't be able to wait. I'd have implemented the 3-date rule.

[marlena]

"Well I had known her for 2 years before we even started dating so there was already somewhat of a connection/rapport established. And if voicing my opinion and feelings is acting "jerky" then so be it. I'd rather be a jerk than have no balls".

 

Totalli, agree. If we are to have sex then we should be able to talk about it openly. In a mature relationship, we should be able not only to express our needs and desires but also expect to have them fully met.

 

If your girlfriend were holding out until you were both able to establish emotional intimacy then she should have held out on the oral and everything else.

 

Gone are the days, hopefully, when young people would perform every sex trick in the book and then proudly say,"we didn't go all the way"! It's like saying I"m virgin but I do oral, a*** etc... Sheesh!

[Star Gazer]

I dont see anything with waiting because it gives both of you time to figure out if you feelings are that of lust or something more meaningful. Are you saying that a guy doesnt need to wait without sex to figure out if he wants more than sex from a girl? Help us to understand this?

 

 

He's known the girl for TWO YEARS. If I were her I think it would be safe to assume that there was some level of "something more meaningful" there.

[SouthernT]

SouthernT - I think you're confusing general principles (which I don't really agree with anyway) on why a girl waits with Tanny's specific situation.

 

This clearly wasn't a "fling," and she had been giving him evvvvvveeerrrything BUT the actual sex-sex.

 

I agree. She shouldnt have done anything at all if she wasnt ready for sex.

[Trialbyfire]

Yup, I agree.

 

If you're going to give oral but not go all the way, it's controlling and manipulative.

[DanielMadr]

I wasn't expecting that.

 

Why? She is right and honest.

 

Shut up, dont mind the tests and wait for her to make up her mind. If she plays it extremely right on other fields, she can even catch you before you leave. How to play things right on her part is another chapter.

Some expect that it is your duty to shut up, jump through hoops, read their minds and wait only because they are afraid of rejection. Fear leads to suffering.

[hotgurl]

What the hell is this crap?!

 

At the risk of sharing TMI, she would even straddle me and put me slightly in her but then refuse to have sex. Being teased is no fun.

 

and this!

 

She asked me to go down on her which I did. Then afterwards she was straddling me and said that if she goes down on me then I have to go down on her again. I said that's not really fair. This was all said with smiles though. We were just kind of joking around (at first). Then I said, "How about you don't go down on me, I go down on you again, and then we have sex. " "No," she says. She then says she's not going to go down on me unless I go down on her a second time afterwards.

 

This is so unfair to a guy to get him all wound up and than nothing. What crap. I don't blame you for being upset.

 

I also don't get why is ok for oral sex but not for sex. At that point you migth as well go all the way it's not like you in HS.

 

As for me i don't know how she held out for so long. oral sex makes me super horny and I can't wait to get the guy inside me?

 

Sorry Tb:(

[tanbark813]

Tb,

I understand exactly how you feel. Unfortunately (UGH!!) What I don't understand is how you can do everything else including oral and then not have sex? Isn't oral having sex anyway? I mean, is sounds so prudish and a bit hypocritical in my book.

 

Or she sounds very young. How old is she?

 

I agree. She's 35 (and I'm 29 FWIW).

 

For me, I would much rather a woman and I be able to talk about issues of this nature. If two grown adults can't sit down and discuss this issue, then what do you really have?

 

Totally agree.

 

You get it it!!

 

I must because you got so excited you repeated the word "it".

[Star Gazer]

I must because you got so excited you repeated the word "it".

 

Ah man!

 

But seriously now... "it" is important. Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry important.

[SouthernT]

I am so sick and tired of hearing this. I have no doubt many women have been through traumatic experiences. Most people have, regardless of gender. One needs to learn to "get over it", or else it will only perpetuate and continue to ruin perfectly good relationships.

 

I suppose I just don't understand why a woman would not approach every situation as a new one.

 

Get over it already!!!

 

It's pretty harsh to simply say "get over it"

BUT, I personally feel that a woman needs to deal with the issues by herself and not approach a relationship until she has done so. It's not a matter of getting over it, its a matter of learning how to deal with it in an effective manner. After you've dealt with it in an effective manner then you learn how to not let it be an issue in your next relationship. So I feel that is pretty much the woman's responsibility in this aspect.

[tanbark813]

OK.... expand on this Tan. Because this is confusing. This ties into my thread about "MEN & THE CHASE". Have you expressed to her that you have stronger feelings for her than that and that you want a relationship?

 

Yes. Right after the first date she asked about that and I made it clear I wanted a relationship. That was mentioned a number of times so unless she just didn't believe me, then it was very clearly established.

 

Are you saying that a guy doesnt need to wait without sex to figure out if he wants more than sex from a girl?

 

It depends on the situation and the people involved. It's certainly not uncommon. For me personally, most of the time (these days at least) I know before sex whether I want more than just sex. That's another thing: For two years while she was my massage therapist we would talk about all kinds of things during the sessions. I thought we had already established a connection and I knew before our first official date that I wanted a relationship with her. That factored into making it hard to not take the lack of sex personally.

 

This is so unfair to a guy to get him all wound up and than nothing. What crap. I don't blame you for being upset.

 

I also don't get why is ok for oral sex but not for sex. At that point you migth as well go all the way it's not like you in HS.

 

As for me i don't know how she held out for so long. oral sex makes me super horny and I can't wait to get the guy inside me?

 

Sorry Tb:(

 

Thanks. And yeah, if she's able to do everything else with me and be naked with me but then be able to say no, that doesn't exactly make me feel very good about her attraction towards me. Who wants someone who finds it easy to not have sex with them?

[annabelle75]

The fact that she'll have oral sex with you and even ride the tip but won't go through with intercourse makes me think she is just playing head games with you. If she is going that far, there is no conceivable reason to to not finish the job.

 

Don't feel bad about confronting her on it. She can't keep doing that to you and expect you to never say anything.

 

7 weeks of foreplay is long enough. Go find a woman that actually wants to hop on for the ride.

[allina]

Tan, I think the next time around you really gotta make sure the girl you start dating isn't a big ball of crazy when it comes to relationships. You seem to have poor luck.