Holding off on having sex for too long...

[DanielMadr]

He already is!

 

He should readjust his sights or tune up his chic radar. He has some Nice Guy streak in himself making him Captain SaveTheChic/ho.

 

To mature one must let go of the search for the parental asexual love. TUNE the radar for the mature or wannabe mature ones;) And please dont f@ck what you wouldnt date or have relationship with.

 

Over and out

 

Captain SaveTheTanBark

[champagne]

[quote=nicki;In my opinion, she should have reiterated that she found you attractive and wanted to be intimate with you, and then explained why she was holding off and when you could expect to be together in that way.

 

 

She really didn't have a chance because TB was too busy arguing back to get the last word in.

[tanbark813]

After 7 weeks, regardless of what she says, I would start to be concerned about a flat-out lack of sex drive on her part. Maybe she just isn't so interested in sex... which seems to me the only explanation for waiting that long.

 

Yeah, and it's not like she's cold or anything. She's naturally pretty affectionate. It's like we're going 90mph through all the kissing, foreplay, etc.. up until intercourse and just before it gets to that point she slams on the brakes.

 

So you're saying she doesn't want to take you for a ride, and she frequently gets you off when you're thinking about getting on?

 

This is a hard one. I think she's blown it.

 

You know, it really shouldn't have been too much for her to swallow. Sorry it isn't working out - her loss.

 

Classic.

 

Taking a step back from the "wait period", frustration, and resentment on both sides, it seems like you two weren't matched up properly as far as sexual encounters. She obviously sees actual intercourse as a big step (been there), whereas you took it as rejection/personally insulting (been there too). No amount of discussion is going to change either of your feelings, and you both have valid opinions, no matter how much you disagree with eachother.

 

Yeah, and I knew talking about it wouldn't all of a sudden change her position but I still felt the need to tell her where I stood.

 

Question: Is there any chance there's something you aren't aware of about MC's dating/sexual history? She

might be holding back due to a negative past experience.

 

I actually did ask about that over the weekend regarding if she were raped or something in the past but she said no. Of course, I can only go by what she says.

 

Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of how you made it clear your relationships are based on sex and her "making you wait" like she's the devil woman for saying up front she likes taking her time. You knew from the get-go what the deal was. If it's not your style and being with her isn't worth waiting, then pack up and move on.

 

Well to be clear, I don't think relationships are based on sex. I do think it's an important part but it's just a part. It's like if I were never to meet her friends or family it would really bother me but that doesn't mean that the relationship would be based on knowing the people she's close to. Relationships are made up of a lot of things that aren't the core platform of the relationship but are still important.

 

Is she controlling in other areas of your "relationship"? I mean, do you feel she tries to manipulate you, control you, trying to have the upper hand?

 

I wouldn't say she's controlling but she's definitely the most high maintenance girl I've dated.

 

My best guess is she is not very sure about you or her. Is she lovey dovey or is it quite formal - detached commitment?

 

She's very lovey dovey up until intercourse. Then it's like we hit a brick wall.

[DanielMadr]

She really didn't have a chance because TB was too busy arguing back to get the last word in.

 

actually he was trying to get another thing in

 

Words, words, words. Unless she is virgin or waiting for HIV test results there is nothing she can tell him to make his day.

[tanbark813]

I don't get it. I can see waiting to have sex, but for me that would mean no sex. If she's regularly engaging in oral sex with you then I am not sure I understand the prohibition about intercourse. Doesn't add up for me.

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

Seven weeks is a long time. But it's a VERY long time if you are engaging in foreplay, but no main course (or main intercourse:laugh:) Really, she could have held off for seven weeks by only kissing, hand holding, etc.

 

Once the clothes fly off and oral is happening, it's cruel to make a guy wait more than one episode of that. To have it happen over and over is unbearable. What did she expect? Of course you are frustrated.

 

EXACTLY. I think it would have been easier to handle no intercourse and no sex. At least then during oral sex I wouldn't have the nagging thought in the back of my head if more were going to happen. At the risk of sharing TMI, she would even straddle me and put me slightly in her but then refuse to have sex. Being teased is no fun.

 

You could try talking to her again, if you want. Draw her out by asking questions. Then she'll feel safe to share her feelings. Maybe she's waiting for an "I love you?"

 

That thought about waiting for an "I love you" crossed my mind the other night. It might be it but it's moot at this point since she called it off.

 

He has some Nice Guy streak in himself making him Captain SaveTheChic/ho.

 

I used to be worse about that. I'm getting better.

[a4a]

Maybe she has herpes or something?

 

Could be she thinks once you "slam in the salami" you will disappear.

 

Typical attitude about sex is that oral is foreplay in this day and age.

 

Insertion is the "real deal" for some.

 

Holy smokes what happened to tradition when you were supposed to wait until you were married...... thought you were a traditional kinda guy.

[tanbark813]

She really didn't have a chance because TB was too busy arguing back to get the last word in.

 

That's cool that you're able to psychicly listen in on my past conversations with her and know exactly what was said. You're very talented.

[tanbark813]

thought you were a traditional kinda guy.

 

Now that is funny.

[DanielMadr]

she's definitely the most high maintenance girl I've dated.

 

Bad news man. Even very high maintenance girls buy you drinks when they are in love with you.

 

'One for cuddling. One for oral. One for dinners. One for sex. Until I found the right one'

 

Sorry.

[allina]

I don't know Tan, I think you acted like an ass, b*tching about not having sex yet on the phone?

 

It seems like your ego was hurt that she's been resisting the Tan ride for so long and you had a hissy fit.

 

Some women don't want to sleep with each guy they simply date, they don't want to rack up those numbers. I think that if you were really in to her and saw a future with her you would have been less selfish. I'm actually troubled that her not being ready for sex angered you.

 

I'm not saying that her view on sex is more 'right' than yours, I actually understand where you're coming from, me and my SO didn't have sex for a while after getting together and I was going nuts, but if the person is worth it you wait.

 

Are you going to try to keep seeing her? It sort of seems like you blew a potentially good thing. Maybe you weren't that in to her and a future withe her, but if you were you should be kicking yourself a bit right now.

[DanielMadr]

I don't know Tan, I think you acted like an ass, b*tching about not having sex yet on the phone?

 

It seems like your ego was hurt that she's been resisting the Tan ride for so long and you had a hissy fit.

 

Some women don't want to sleep with each guy they simply date, they don't want to rack up those numbers. I think that if you were really in to her and saw a future with her you would have been less selfish. I'm actually troubled that her not being ready for sex angered you.

 

I'm not saying that her view on sex is more 'right' than yours, I actually understand where you're coming from, me and my SO didn't have sex for a while after getting together and I was going nuts, but if the person is worth it you wait.

 

Are you going to try to keep seeing her? It sort of seems like you blew a potentially good thing. Maybe you weren't that in to her and a future withe her, but if you were you should be kicking yourself a bit right now.

 

Signature: Walt Disney

[tanbark813]

I'm actually troubled that her not being ready for sex angered you.

 

It hurt me, it didn't anger me.

 

Are you going to try to keep seeing her? It sort of seems like you blew a potentially good thing. Maybe you weren't that in to her and a future withe her, but if you were you should be kicking yourself a bit right now.

 

She already called things off but I fail to see why I would kick myself for losing a girl with hang-ups about sex.

[allina]

It hurt me, it didn't anger me.

 

 

She already called things off but I fail to see why I would kick myself for losing a girl with hang-ups about sex.

 

I'm sorry it hurt you, I feel like it shouldn't have. You seemed like you came across as angry.

 

Though it isn't my style I don't think wanting to wait is having a hang-up about sex. Did she end it because of the sex thing and the pressure or was she not havig sex with you because she was thinking about ending it?

[DanielMadr]

It hurt me, it didn't anger me.

 

 

 

She already called things off but I fail to see why I would kick myself for losing a girl with hang-ups about sex.

 

Yeah. Save your patience and goodness for those who deserve it. Next time let them ask YOU to have sex, tease them mercilessly, make them pray for it

[SouthernT]

Read some threads here. SouthernT, Bridget Jones etc. will make it very clear for you whats going in her head - MESS. She doesnt want to be "sex object", she wants to be loved for her personality, so she takes sex out of equation. They need deep commitment first. They are terrified of rejection. Especially rejection after sex. I dont blame them but they dont realize they do more damage than good.

They are waiting for 'I love you, I want relationship with you and I promise I will never die, sex or no sex'.

 

Let me make this VERY simple Tan. If a man does NOT state his intentions, a woman is NOT going to feel comfortable with the idea of being intimate with him. A girl is not necessarily saying to herself "I going to make him wait 6 months" (or however long). What she IS saying to herself is "I'm going to make him wait until he shows me through his ACTIONS & WORDS that this is not a fling for him" Woman are taught that a man's actions must match his words. For you to say "I want sex or I don't think this is going too much longer" What kind of message do you think this is sending her? Just like men are with the "relationship" term, woman are the same way with the "sex" term. Both parties are MORE likely to get what they want if they dont make it a "BIG" issue. Get it? If you dont pressure or say anything about sex, then you are going to get exactly what you want. If you try to "convince" her, she's going to wonder why you are trying to convince her and will feel that you hace alterior motives. IT'S REALLY THAT SIMPLE, I PROMISE. The most effective way to go about this is to not say anything about sex. The silence about the issue will speak MUCH louder than your words.

 

Another thing that I wanted to touch on is that men need to ask more questions about WHY a girl is holding off on sex. If you take the time to ask why WITHOUT doing it in an accusatory manner, then she will open up to you and you will understand her. After she feels that you understand where she is coming from, then you can adjust your actions accordingly. After this has happened, she will TRUST you EVEN MORE and will want to give you what you want. Different women have been through different sexual experiences. And since sex is tied to emotions with women, anything bad or traumatic that we have been through REALLY affects and it hits us VERY HARD. You never know what a woman has been through sexually. (i.e. rape, molestation, a man that was simply after the chase and left....) whatever the case may be, you need to take the time to find out.

[DanielMadr]

I'm sorry it hurt you, I feel like it shouldn't have. You seemed like you came across as angry.

 

Though it isn't my style I don't think wanting to wait is having a hang-up about sex. Did she end it because of the sex thing and the pressure or was she not havig sex with you because she was thinking about ending it?

 

Of course the latter. Even if she ended because he was "needy" I think she had mediocre interest before, thats why the hold up and teasing.

 

Heads up Tanbark, at least you have been on 3rd meth and enjoyed some heads. You werent complete cuddle biatch:D Another points for 3 dates rule.

[Star Gazer]

I dunno, Tanny. Maybe you did act like an a$$ by having the conversation on the phone, but I think the damage had been done already and that it wasn't going to work out...you two clearly have very different views on the importance of a healthy sex (INTERCOURSE) life in a relationship.

 

Like Krytie said, after 7 weeks, I would have to assume that she just doesn't have that much of a sex drive. Yes, she's all lovey dovey and affectionate, and even plays the LAME game of "just the tip" (which is manipulative and mean, if you ask me), but then like you said, she hits a brick wall. I find this really odd. If you had JUST been kissing, no oral (and certainly no "tip"!), I could possibly understand her ability to hold-off, but given what you have been doing, how does she NOT have that point-of-no-return??

 

Like Carrie Bradshaw said, "I need to feel the weight of a man!!!" - there is a very different connection/feeling/RAAAAAAR!!! factor involved with straight-up sex that you just cannot get with oral alone. I don't want to be graphic here, but I believe most women who have any semblance of a sex drive literally cannot wait for that moment of penetration.

 

Men want sex. Women know this. I don't think it was wrong of you to bring the issue up at all, even if you feel like you were pressuring her. Sex is a necessary part of a healthy relationship, IMO (and it would seem yours as well). She obviously disagrees. Who knows if she was waiting for an ILY or some other magic line to be crossed...regardless, I think the "sex part" should come naturally in a relationship.

 

For what it's worth, a month is honestly the longest I've ever waited (which has made me feel both like a hoochie and a prude at the same time), and the only time I've ever gotten mad at a guy for "pressuring" me for sex was with my ex, who tried to remove my clothing and was pawing at me just 2 hours after I lost my job...I was hysterically crying, physically moving from the sobbing, and he wanted to "make me feel better." Pfffft.

[Trialbyfire]

Are you certain she's not a virgin?

[peace_pipe]

Both parties are MORE likely to get what they want if they dont make it a "BIG" issue. Get it? If you dont pressure or say anything about sex, then you are going to get exactly what you want.

 

So the best way to obtain something is to ingore it?

 

I disagree. I see it a 2 adults who have a conversation about what their needs are.

 

If a girl feels pressured by on open, honest conversation then there's you're sign.

[norajane]

EXACTLY. I think it would have been easier to handle no intercourse and no sex. At least then during oral sex I wouldn't have the nagging thought in the back of my head if more were going to happen. At the risk of sharing TMI, she would even straddle me and put me slightly in her but then refuse to have sex. Being teased is no fun.

 

I guess I'm confused. Why are you saying you're being teased? When you said you were having oral sex, I assumed you were having orgasms, too. Is she only giving you oral up to a point, and then stopping before you have an orgasm?

 

If she does finish the job, then why are you so frustrated? You only had another week before her two month comfort zone.

[tanbark813]

I'm sorry it hurt you, I feel like it shouldn't have. You seemed like you came across as angry.

 

The ironic thing is that if I only wanted sex it would be easy to wait. I could just bang other girls in the meantime and it wouldn't matter when she was ready. But the fact that I did want something more made it hard to not take personally, especially given our two year history prior to that when I thought we had already established a connection.

 

Did she end it because of the sex thing and the pressure or was she not havig sex with you because she was thinking about ending it?

 

I can't answer that specifically but the night before last (Monday night) contributed to it. Skip this last part if you don't want TMI.

 

Monday night I said I needed to leave by 10 to get home (she lives about 30 minutes from where I do) because I needed to be somewhere early the next morning. At about 9:30 she popped in a movie even though I said I didn't want to watch it. I ended up sticking around anyway and about 11 we started messing around. She asked me to go down on her which I did. Then afterwards she was straddling me and said that if she goes down on me then I have to go down on her again. I said that's not really fair. This was all said with smiles though. We were just kind of joking around (at first). Then I said, "How about you don't go down on me, I go down on you again, and then we have sex. " "No," she says. She then says she's not going to go down on me unless I go down on her a second time afterwards. At that point I was getting really tired of the BS and just wanted to go home and sleep so I said no. So then she said no to going down on me so I said "no problem" and got up and left. I didn't get pissy about it. I just got my stuff, gave her a kiss, and bounced.

 

That was what prompted last night's conversation. She brought that up and we talked about the whole sex thing. Then she said she doesn't like the tit-for-tat stuff with regard to physical intimacy and didn't like that she found herself actively participating and didn't want a relationship like that. I offered a compromise that I just wouldn't bring it up anymore and wait until she's ready. She said she wanted me to be happy where we were and I told her I couldn't do that. I asked her what she wanted to do about everything and that's when she called things off.

[peace_pipe]

Different women have been through different sexual experiences. And since sex is tied to emotions with women, anything bad or traumatic that we have been through REALLY affects and it hits us VERY HARD. You never know what a woman has been through sexually. (i.e. rape, molestation, a man that was simply after the chase and left....) whatever the case may be, you need to take the time to find out.

 

I am so sick and tired of hearing this. I have no doubt many women have been through traumatic experiences. Most people have, regardless of gender. One needs to learn to "get over it", or else it will only perpetuate and continue to ruin perfectly good relationships.

 

I suppose I just don't understand why a woman would not approach every situation as a new one.

 

Get over it already!!!

[Star Gazer]

SouthernT - I think you're confusing general principles (which I don't really agree with anyway) on why a girl waits with Tanny's specific situation.

 

This clearly wasn't a "fling," and she had been giving him evvvvvveeerrrything BUT the actual sex-sex. If she really wanted to wait in order to test him, she shouldn't have been such an incredible tease. Quite frankly, if she really wanted to make sure he was into her, she should have kept all of her clothes on until/unless she was ready for the full-deal. What's she's done over the course of the past 7 weeks is demonstrate that either (1) she has serious hang-ups regarding sex, (2) doesn't have a sex drive, (3) likes to play games, (4) is manipulative, and/or (5) will use sex as currency within the relationship. Not one of these factors will make for an awesome relationship, which Tanny deserves.

 

Anyway, I know I'd be upset, hurt, AND angry if I put all that effort and time into a relationship, didn't get any, and then got the brush off for bringing it up. But I'm a horndog...so...

 

Hugs to you, Tanny.

[DanielMadr]

Let me make this VERY simple Tan. If a man does NOT state his intentions, a woman is NOT going to feel comfortable with the idea of being intimate with him. A girl is not necessarily saying to herself "I going to make him wait 6 months" (or however long). What she IS saying to herself is "I'm going to make him wait until he shows me through his ACTIONS & WORDS that this is not a fling for him" Woman are taught that a man's actions must match his words. For you to say "I want sex or I don't think this is going too much longer" What kind of message do you think this is sending her? Just like men are with the "relationship" term, woman are the same way with the "sex" term. Both parties are MORE likely to get what they want if they dont make it a "BIG" issue. Get it? If you dont pressure or say anything about sex, then you are going to get exactly what you want. If you try to "convince" her, she's going to wonder why you are trying to convince her and will feel that you hace alterior motives. IT'S REALLY THAT SIMPLE, I PROMISE. The most effective way to go about this is to not say anything about sex. The silence about the issue will speak MUCH louder than your words.

 

Another thing that I wanted to touch on is that men need to ask more questions about WHY a girl is holding off on sex. If you take the time to ask why WITHOUT doing it in an accusatory manner, then she will open up to you and you will understand her. After she feels that you understand where she is coming from, then you can adjust your actions accordingly. After this has happened, she will TRUST you EVEN MORE and will want to give you what you want. Different women have been through different sexual experiences. And since sex is tied to emotions with women, anything bad or traumatic that we have been through REALLY affects and it hits us VERY HARD. You never know what a woman has been through sexually. (i.e. rape, molestation, a man that was simply after the chase and left....) whatever the case may be, you need to take the time to find out.

 

I absolutely agree.

[allina]

 

Monday night I said I needed to leave by 10 to get home (she lives about 30 minutes from where I do) because I needed to be somewhere early the next morning. At about 9:30 she popped in a movie even though I said I didn't want to watch it. I ended up sticking around anyway and about 11 we started messing around. She asked me to go down on her which I did. Then afterwards she was straddling me and said that if she goes down on me then I have to go down on her again. I said that's not really fair. This was all said with smiles though. We were just kind of joking around (at first). Then I said, "How about you don't go down on me, I go down on you again, and then we have sex. " "No," she says. She then says she's not going to go down on me unless I go down on her a second time afterwards. At that point I was getting really tired of the BS and just wanted to go home and sleep so I said no. So then she said no to going down on me so I said "no problem" and got up and left. I didn't get pissy about it. I just got my stuff, gave her a kiss, and bounced.

 

That was what prompted last night's conversation. She brought that up and we talked about the whole sex thing. Then she said she doesn't like the tit-for-tat stuff with regard to physical intimacy and didn't like that she found herself actively participating and didn't want a relationship like that. I offered a compromise that I just wouldn't bring it up anymore and wait until she's ready. She said she wanted me to be happy where we were and I told her I couldn't do that. I asked her what she wanted to do about e

everything and that's when she called things off.

 

Okay the whole bartering for sexual acts is WEIRD. I've never heard of anyone negotiating who will do what to who while they are messing around.

 

In part I don't think a woman should be made out to be some sort of freak for wanting to wait 7 weeks or longer or until a relationship is established to have sex. But there is much more than that going on here.