sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 My boyfriend, who had been separated from his (cheating) wife of 12 years for a year and a half, broke up with me last night. It came as a shock, as we had been really happy together and everything he had told me about their marriage said that it was over and done, that she was with the other guy, and moving away to live near him, that he was no longer in love with her. They have a 5-year old daughter. Anyway, the chain of events and backstory are in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t120547/ I am devastated, and posting in this forum to seek the perspectives of those of you who may be in his shoes: your spouse cheated, you separated, you have a kid, you got back out in the dating world, but you may be ambivalent about your marriage ending. Or maybe you're trying to work things out. Do reconciliations ever actually work? Can they actually find happiness together again? How is it that his ex didn't want him when she cheated on him for all those years and left him, but as soon as he starts moving on she suddenly has doubt and wants him back? How unbelieveably selfish is she? Does he see it? Can I say any of this to him? I don't want to interfere, but it just seems like this reconciliation is doomed to failure. I'm a wreck and not very articulate right now. I have more questions, mostly relating to how trust can be rebuilt after such a betrayal, about what kind of effort has to go in to making things work, about the effects on a kid of two parents who stay together just for the kid's sake. I mean, I can imagine my BF deciding to sacrifice his own personal happiness, to stay in a crap marriage, because he thinks it's the best thing for his kid. That actually seems like a terrible outcome for everyone involved - and in fact he said so himself a few months ago. And yet here we are today. I'm just heartbroken and insanely wishing that I could talk him out of this. (I know logically that I can't. But emotionally, I want to.) Please help me understand, if you can. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Hi... I feel for you. I know all about heartbreak, I'm in it now. I don't have specific advice about your situation, because I haven't been there. I'm posting to bump you up to the top, because I know there are some great people here that can help you. Good Luck, sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Share Posted May 30, 2007 Thank you, polywog...I'm looking forward to getting input from others here. Link to post Share on other sites
Road Rage Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Sunshinegirl My intuition about your relationship with this guy was you could do better for yourself and didn`t need to be wrapped up in the drama. Now, said guy has broke up with you and I think that is great. Sometimes in life you get lucky. I think you have. You are now free to move on and there is someone better for you out there. Just be patient. Link to post Share on other sites
notspiritual Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Some men like your BF have had their heart broken by their wife, but once is not enough, he has not learnt, he wants to have his heart broken one more time. Also he likes to be a second choice for his wife. If you keep pursuing him, you are no smarter than him. You’re a second choice to him and you will have your heart broken again. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 30, 2007 Author Share Posted May 30, 2007 If you keep pursuing him, you are no smarter than him. You’re a second choice to him and you will have your heart broken again. Move on. This really hit home for me. Thank you. As part of my processing, I am still interested in all the questions I posted originally. But please know that I do know the difference between analyzing what may be going on for him and speculating about their prospects, and taking any kind of action to contact or pursue him. For now my hungry, tired, confused brain is just seeking some data, some answers. It's how I process things. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Who knows when it comes to love, marriage and life.... Trying to analyze something like that only leads to insanity. You just have to let it go. The data you have makes no sense and simply cannot lead to any solid conclusions. You'll wear yourself out trying. Link to post Share on other sites
KaneNAbel Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 Sunshinegirl, I was almost in the same exact boat as you were. I was with this girl I thought I was in love with even after a short period of time. She just got out of a 3 year relationship where the guy cheated on her a couple of times. When he saw that she was moving on with me (or at least that's what she projected) he was pleading and begging for her back. Oh, she was also 'ambivalent' in regards to her last relationship since the beginning of our stint. See the similarity? She broke things off with me and I never really did get any answers on why it happened. I'm not even sure if she's back with him, but here's an answer someone offered me and it made a lot of sense. To give you a short background, I was seeking answers and was about to go to the girl and this was a message warning me not to do it: "For now, I leave u with my thoughts...its not worth it. She's not going to give enough of an explanation to ever satisfy u. First of all, she's incapable of being totally incriminating herself and she'll never say the things that u want to hear-- that she was selfish and got close to u to ease the pain of her ex. The explanation is fairly obvious. U got entangled in her web of charms. Although she cared for u, it wasn't enough for the longrun or more than she cared for her ex. Its not her fault nor yours. U can't force her to feel a certain way or really explain why...it just happened. In the depths of ur soul, u have to know that she's not ur perfect mate...she's just the closest thing uve known. Don't beat urself up nemore, its just not worth it. U have way to much to offer and the world has much to offer in return. Get out of this funk, shake things up, and get a new perspective. Life is too short." I hope this helps. I read this whenever I think about contacting her...even if the idea pops up. Oh, also you should probably go NC like I did. Getting in that web of him trying to figure things out will only hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
azianpride143 Posted May 30, 2007 Share Posted May 30, 2007 It's hard to be in a situation where your bf has not gotten over his marriage yet and then jumped into another relationship. He needs time to heal, lick his wounds, find himself, and then finally move on. This could take a while. In the meantime, you are in the sidelines watching all of this unfold in front of your eyes. Don't wait. You are just going to get hurt. Go cast out your fishing line. There are plenty of fish in the sea. This time is not a good time to get wrapped up with someone who doesn't even know what they want. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted May 31, 2007 Share Posted May 31, 2007 I've read what others have posted, and have to say that I don't even want to date anyone until I am Truly Over my ex. I have seen too many posts from the SOs of people who were in a LTR (including marriage) who waffled when the ex saw them moving on and started to contact them again. Likewise, I have seen posts on LS from "dumpers" who freaked out when their ex began to get into a serious relationship again. I wouldn't want to put a man through that. I feel for you, it just sucks that you are in that position. It's possible that he didn't realize he still had some feelings for his exW, but it's a BIG shame that you have to suffer the consequences. Just take real good care of yourself during this, take the time to grieve and post here as often as you need to. You will get lots of support here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Share Posted May 31, 2007 So there are a bunch of people on the Infidelity thread who wound up reconciling with their spouses...which now makes me think "well maybe they're going to end up being one of those couples...who actually makes it work". To varying degrees of happiness, I suppose, but I will be really sad for my BF because he seems so unlikely to find true joy with his wife, but he may just sacrifice that for the sake of his kid. I want to believe in the whole karmic "what goes around comes around" theory... I suppose that an outcome like the above for my BF would be ample karmic payback for the hurt he's caused me. So how come I feel no satisfaction in that? Link to post Share on other sites
KaneNAbel Posted May 31, 2007 Share Posted May 31, 2007 Well, you won't feel any satisfaction. At least until you're over it. Just work on yourself and concentrate on the healing process. I feel a lot better today that I did two months ago. And what helped was the fact that I did not talk to her once after the night of the break. Hoping for satisfaction from karma is like getting satisfaction from seeing how the 'ravages of time' is causing that person to get wrinkles. An easier analogy would be waiting for a pot to boil. Point is just worry about yourself and just figure that some ****ty thing will happen to them in the future whether you know about it or not. You may feel like you 'lost' in this situation. Think about it as you 'won' since you are free from that messed up web of emotional strain. One more thing about karma though...isn't hoping something bad to happen to a person bad karmic flow for yourself? Something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
champagne Posted May 31, 2007 Share Posted May 31, 2007 This is why I absolutely won't get involved romantically with a man unless he is fully divorced, the ink is dry, and preferably at least a year after the divorce is final. Link to post Share on other sites
azianpride143 Posted May 31, 2007 Share Posted May 31, 2007 KaneNabel just nailed it right on the head. Don't dwell on it too much. We tend to over analyze the situation and feel so lost and desperate. Grieve and move on with your life. You deserve better than what you have right now. Be happy that your free. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 31, 2007 Author Share Posted May 31, 2007 I will do my best to focus on me and moving on... maybe after giving myself a few more days to analyze things. As to my comment about karma, yeah I don't actually wish for bad things to happen to him. In a weird way I really have won in this, in the sense that I am only a little bit scathed by what's happened, and when I heal, I will be ready for something good and healthy and happy. That poor man, if he stays in his marriage, is likely to have a very tumultuous life for months, or years, with no guaranteed arrival at Happy Family Town. I am wishing him strength to make good decisions for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted June 2, 2007 Share Posted June 2, 2007 Consider this ... if you can. Take a few steps back and look at it from the outside. For what it's worth, try to wish him and his wife well if it's in you. Not necessarily to him but to yourself. Thier daughter needs them and is innocent in all of this. You will move on and find the RIGHT person for you and you'll be just fine. That family has to continue on in one way or another. Whether they reconcile or not. There are more than enough messed up kids and families in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sunshinegirl Posted July 1, 2008 Author Share Posted July 1, 2008 I am bumping this thread of mine up. It is from last year when my BF broke up with me...the FIRST time. There was a lot of wisdom in this thread and more than one person who cautioned that I would get hurt again if I got involved again. How right they were. To think, all it took was him showing up in July and saying "I miss you and want you back" and I fell into his arms without thinking twice. And look where it got me, a year later. I will be posting more later tonight - had some important things happen in my counseling session tonight that might help me move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
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