Thinking of writing my sister off for good...

[bab]

I went to visit my sister this weekend. My mom had been visiting her for the past 4 weeks, so it was my chance to see them both. My mom and my sister don't get along very well. They communicate very differently and place value on very different things. I understand that. But the way my sister handles it, and how she handles her children make me think she really is just a genuinely mean person, and it makes me not want to have anything to do with her.

 

Some background: My mom retired at 63, and doesn't get very much money. She also lives with a man who is much older, and so has no actually place of residence that she owns, and doesn't know what she'll do if/when he dies. My sister is angry because my mom didn't plan better for retirement, and really angry that she didn't keep working until 65 as to get better SS payments. There is a good possibility that my sister and I will have to help my mom out financially later on in life. But neither of us are poor, and it will be years before her money runs out. (She'll be 65 this winter).

 

There was some made for TV history program that my mom fell in love with and decided she wanted to buy it. Mom asked my H while we were there to look it up on the computer for her so she could buy it. He did, and she did. It was $50.

 

It was my sister's anniversary as well as mine, so my mom offered to keep my sister's kids while my sister, myself, and our H's went to dinner. We took her CC, but of course had no intention of using it. It seemed to make my sister angry that she even offered.

 

At dinner my sister brings up the fact that my mom apologizes for her clothes all the time, when $50 at Kohl's would get her in better clothes. Then she asks my H about the video that mom wanted. She then tells us that she refused for 4 weeks to look it up for her. She says it's a waste of money and she just refused. I made a few comments about how, yes, I agreed that I thought the program was stupid, but it made mom happy. So, it's okay for her to spend $50 on clothes because my sister is embarrassed by mom's old clothes, but when mom wants to spend money on herself, on something my sister has decided is stupid, she refuses to help her use the computer??? I got so angry I had to get up to leave the table. The tab for all for of us was over $200, and she's decided my mom can't buy herself a $50 video??? I had to take a walk with H when we got back to their house to vent about it out loud.

 

Although I didn't witness this, my sister also admitted that both she and my brother in law have been yelling at my mother. And when I say admit, it was more like she was bragging about it, and certainly didn't think it was inappropriate.

 

She (sister) also has little patience for her children. The baby will want her to hold him, and she'll pick him up, and when he tries to play with the newspaper she is trying to read she snaps and yells, "Can't I ever do anything I want to do???", sighs loudly and slams down the newspaper. I mean come on, he's not even 2, if you pick him up while you are reading a newspaper, he's going to play with it.

 

All these things combine just make me feel like my sister is actually a bad person, and makes me want to cut her out of my life.

 

How do you guys think I should handle her?

[a4a]

How do you guys think I should handle her?

 

Poop in her shoe.

 

It is not your place to "change" her. Best thing you can do is to be there for your mom if she continues to yell at your mom.

 

You could confront her...... likely you will end up on her radar as a prime target, if you can handle that, go for it.

 

She sounds like a miserable person, who is probably projecting her own misery onto others as a way to compensate her own short comings and need to control others.

 

You could suggest that maybe IC might bring her some peace of mind and may help her become a happier person.

 

If she is lashing out without reason at others ........ it probably is a much deeper issue within herself.

 

Perhaps a nice caring note to her in a lighter tone could help bring her to her senses:

 

I noticed that you seemed upset during our visit. Is something wrong.... blah blah blah........

 

Of course if she continues being a royal biotch, you do have the right to remove toxic people from your life without even a slight twinge of guilt.

 

Wanna Piss Her Off?

Why not suggest that you both chip in for a wardrobe for your mom........see what she says to that. (that should fuel her fire)

[bab]

How do you guys think I should handle her?

 

Poop in her shoe.

 

It is not your place to "change" her. Best thing you can do is to be there for your mom if she continues to yell at your mom.

 

You could confront her...... likely you will end up on her radar as a prime target, if you can handle that, go for it.

 

She sounds like a miserable person, who is probably projecting her own misery onto others as a way to compensate her own short comings and need to control others.

 

You could suggest that maybe IC might bring her some peace of mind and may help her become a happier person.

 

If she is lashing out without reason at others ........ it probably is a much deeper issue within herself.

 

Perhaps a nice caring note to her in a lighter tone could help bring her to her senses:

 

I noticed that you seemed upset during our visit. Is something wrong.... blah blah blah........

 

Of course if she continues being a royal biotch, you do have the right to remove toxic people from your life without even a slight twinge of guilt.

 

Wanna Piss Her Off?

Why not suggest that you both chip in for a wardrobe for your mom........see what she says to that. (that should fuel her fire)

 

She has a superiority complex, so anything that might suggest that she's less than the ideal human would fall on deaf ears.

 

I like the idea about going in on a new wardrobe for mom. Maybe I'll just send her a check.

 

Maybe i could train her dog poop in her shoes on a regular basis.

[TnT]

I agree that ur sister might have deeper issues, or control issues, but im unsure as to what advice i can give u. Sorry. But i do feel for u, and i think its very important to stay strong for ur mum and if possible, maybe a family meeting is in order. Not that i have ever had one with my family, but i wish we did. Keep us updated with this one.

TNT

[bab]

Rereading this, I realize that I portayed my mother in a slightly better light than I should've. She is definitely no saint. What I glossed over when I said that they communicate differently, is that my mother has some passive aggressive tendencies and my sister is very very very direct.

 

My sister definitely has deeper issues, but she would not be receptive to hearing about that. When we were kids my mom was very angry and could easily be classified as emotionally abusive. But she has changed alot and apologized many times. I've forgiven her, and I think my sister has too but the effects are still lingering.

 

Here is how a typical dysfunctional scenerio will play out at my sister's house. My sister takes the kids to daycare, goes to work, and leaves my mom at home with instructions to find some stuff in the fridge to eat for lunch. Mom, chooses something unexpected to eat, and eats the last of it. My sister goes to get it the next night to find it's gone. She yells at my mother for eating the last of something without telling anybody. Mom goes into the guest room crying and now will not eat anything when my sister is not home, and asks permission before eating anything when she is; further enraging my sister. Then they both complain to me about how completely unreasonable the other is. It's enough to make me pull my hair out.

 

Another great example: My 3 1/2 year old nephew says something, and my sister snaps at him, saying he sounds like he's from the backwoods of Georgia. Of course my mom is in the room, who is from the backwoods of the Carolina's and assumes that whatever he said he picked up from her. (More likely whatever it was came from 'Mater from the movie Cars which he has watched about 100 times). Another drama unfolds....

 

The only saving grace is where we live. Mom lives 1600 miles from me, 2300 miles from my sister, and my sister and I live 1000 miles apart. So, we only see each other a couple times a year.

 

Mom is visiting her mother and sister right now, and will be back at my sister's next week, but my brother and his girls will be there, and I'll be in Italy. Woo Hoo!!

[Storyrider]

Trying to post quickly, but it sounds like your sister, whatever her faults, is suffering from a severe case of mommy burn-out. Is it possible she views your mother, in her financial and emotional dependence, as another "child" and burden she needs to worry about?

 

I'm not saying she isn't wrong or at fault for anything, but being the mom of small children can make the best of us go a little wacky.

[bab]

Trying to post quickly, but it sounds like your sister, whatever her faults, is suffering from a severe case of mommy burn-out. Is it possible she views your mother, in her financial and emotional dependence, as another "child" and burden she needs to worry about?

 

I'm not saying she isn't wrong or at fault for anything, but being the mom of small children can make the best of us go a little wacky.

 

I think that is true, but there is more to it than that. She has always been this way. Anytime the 3 of us are together she acts like she is responsible for us, bossing us around telling us what to do. This is before she had kids. When she had her first kid she actually improved. I thought that she had finally seen how important family was and how all the superficial stuff that she had put above us didn't really matter. But now its full swing back to treating us like crap. Except now I'm doing well professionally and financially so I've satisfied some of her requirements of being a decent human being, so she mostly takes it out on Mom. I know that one day soon she is going to yell at me when my H is around, and I have no idea what will happen. (Nothing physical, just I'm guessing there is a chance I would never be allowed to see my nephew's again.)

[bab]

"Mom has been visiting for 4 weeks..." THERE is the problem right there. 4 weeks is way too long a time for a visit. They would probably be fine for a couple weeks, but after awhile, they are just getting on each other's nerves. If they are in week two, and they both know they have to get through two MORE weeks after this one is done, they may start bickering. However, if they are in week two and know the visit is almost over, they may gloss over things that might otherwise bug one another.

 

True, that is an issue. The problem is that the plane tickets are at least $400, sometimes more, so she feels that she has to "make them count" so to speak. Maybe I can convince her that it will count less if she is fighting more.

[My Fair Katie]

I dunno bab, I've kinda been in the same position as your sister, not with my parents, but with my inlaws. They are incredibly irresponsible with money. They'll cry poor, go around in rags, yet they always have enough money to go to Atlantic City or Bingo (Catholic).

 

In the past we have offered to pay some of their debtors directly to be met with a huge talking down, they only wanted the cash. Then other relatives (inlaw aunts, uncles, cousins) started kvetching to us that we were horrible people for not sending his poor pitiful parents money.

 

I snapped. I got catty when I saw they still had cable. I was angry when they wanted to sign up for the internet. It's like my husband has to parent his folks, and that can cause huge resentment.

 

And *anyone* that stays with me for four weeks will get on my nerves. And I'd probably start taking it out on people around me (like the husband). So it's entirely possible she's a great mom when her own mom isn't trying her last nerve. Especially knowing the history of emotional abuse.

 

On a happier note, wow, enjoy Italy! I'm jealous!

[corazoncito]

Sorry you're stuck in the middle on this. It's a really hard place be. Where are you and your sister in the birth order in your family? I'm thinking that if she is older, that may account for some of the bossiness/assertiveness.

 

I understand how your mom feels about wanting to make the most of an expensive plane ticket, but I do think 4 weeks is too long to stay as a house guest, especially when the hosts work and already have small children to take care of. I would cut your sister some slack in those circumstances.

 

It sounds to me that finances and long-term planning (or lack of) is at the heart of the tension. Maybe it would help if you and your siblings jointly set up a formal financial plan for taking care of your mom, even if you don't actually start supporting her right away? Money can be such a touchy subject and a divider, even within members of the same family. It sounds like this issue really hasn't been discussed and everyone has a different idea of how to deal with the issue. You also may have different mental timelines for when your mother will require more substantial financial support. If you are all following the same game plan, it might ease the tension.

 

You mentioned that neither of you is "poor". But everyone's definition of "poor" is different. And everyone has different long-term financial goals and priorities. It sounds like you and your sister really differ in those beliefs. Maybe it would help to get those issues out in the open, perhaps even using a professional financial planner as a mediator.

 

I think it's a good idea to discuss a plan even if you are getting along well. You said your mom's money won't run out for a long time, but you never know. God forbid, but is she were to get ill or be injured, you might find that that money doesn't last anywhere near as long as you had assumed. Also, since her living situation seems very unstable, you probably need to be planning now for what happens when she needs a new place and how that's going to be paid for.

 

I have one surviving grandparent and I saw with the others before they passed (all terrible, long, lingering illnesses that required a lot of time and money to treat) the turmoil and stress it can cause among the children who want to do well by the parents but also have their own debts to manage and families to support. I think having talked out the various possibilities (if there is an illness, if she is well and lives a very long life, etc) and having some sort of concrete plan that can acommodate those scenarios may help set all of you at ease.

[bab]

The problem with coming up with a plan, is that my mom doesn't really think she'll need help. But, she's a bit out of touch with what it costs to live near her family.

 

Unlike MFK's in-laws, she isn't asking us for money and the only debt she has are hospital bills, and she is servicing them. Right now shes hurting because her health insurance premiums are so high, but when medicare kicks in this winter she'll thinks it will get better.

 

The fact is, she'll be fine until she has to start to pay rent or find a place to live.

Rent will be higher than her insurance premiums. This is hard to plan for as well, as we don't even know when she will want to move south again, or where she will move.

 

Maybe I should give my sister another chance, but honestly I'm getting tired of making excuses for her. Well, maybe she would've been nice if...

She's never hand an ounce of compassion for anybody. I'll see her again at the end of July at a family reuinion for my Dad's family. Maybe in this context she'll be better.

[bab]

The problem with coming up with a plan, is that my mom doesn't really think she'll need help. But, she's a bit out of touch with what it costs to live near her family.

 

Unlike MFK's in-laws, she isn't asking us for money and the only debt she has are hospital bills, and she is servicing them. Right now shes hurting because her health insurance premiums are so high, but when medicare kicks in this winter she'll thinks it will get better.

 

The fact is, she'll be fine until she has to start to pay rent or find a place to live. Rent will be higher than her insurance premiums. This is hard to plan for as well, as we don't even know when she will want to move south again, or where she will move.

 

Maybe I should give my sister another chance, but honestly I'm getting tired of making excuses for her. Well, maybe she would've been nice if...

She's never hand an ounce of compassion for anybody. I'll see her again at the end of July at a family reunion for my Dad's family. Maybe in this context she'll be better.

[bab]

oops. double post.

[corazoncito]

Bab, since it sounds like there's a lot of unknowns in the financial future, I understand how it would be difficult to come up with a very specific plan.

 

I think at this point though it wouldn't hurt to set up a one-time appointment with a financial adviser, lay out the situation to him or her (emphasizing all of the uncertainties), and just ask their opinion about what you could be doing now. It might just be to start setting aside a certain amount of money now each month towards your mom's future rent. He or she might also bring up some issues to think about that haven't occurred to you so far. I imagine it would be pretty "relaxed" and more just to help you anticipate what may be coming up in the future.

 

Also, since it would be a very preliminary consultation, there really isn't any need for your mom to be involved. It's just good planning on your part to be ready to help your mom when the time comes without stressing your own family.