I just want my relaionship back on track.

[Loz22]

A couple of months ago me and my fiance went through some tough times. We broke up for a couple of weeks I was absolutly devestated because I absolutly didn't want that to happen. After a couple of weeks he came back to me saying he loved me and wanted to try and make it work and to fix it because he didn't want to be without me i was so happy because that is what I wanted. So we decided to take our time and try to work it out. We have been dating for the last couple of months and it is fantastic I still love him and he still loves me. But I have not moved back in with him but I do stay over. We haven't really told anyone that we are dating becasue if you knew our friends you would see that they all interfair and give an opion and neither of us want that, we decided when we started dating a couple of moths ago that in time maybe about 6 months we would tell people. But I get all needy and upset when I don't know when we will see each other next. I know that usually when you date someone you plan a date and that is cool we do do that to and it is fine, i think it is just habit because we were together for 4 and a half years and to slow down and go back to dating and not be living together hurts me so much. I constanily ask him if he is happy with what we are doing and he says he is but I am so worried that I am going to do something to upset him and he will change his mind. I just want us to be happy together again and be able to get on with it and be happy. Like for instence last night I spent time with him we had dinner and I stayed over at his place. I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner on friday night and he said "maybe" I got all upset thinking when will I see you if I don't get to see you on friday, because he is busy playing rugby on saturday and has plans for sunday. I just miss him so much and I love him so much and I have such low self esteem that I am so scared of him changing his mind about what we are doing because I am worried that I will do something to piss him off.

[ilmw]

A couple of months ago me and my fiance went through some tough times. We broke up for a couple of weeks I was absolutly devestated because I absolutly didn't want that to happen. After a couple of weeks he came back to me saying he loved me and wanted to try and make it work and to fix it because he didn't want to be without me i was so happy because that is what I wanted. So we decided to take our time and try to work it out. We have been dating for the last couple of months and it is fantastic I still love him and he still loves me. But I have not moved back in with him but I do stay over. We haven't really told anyone that we are dating becasue if you knew our friends you would see that they all interfair and give an opion and neither of us want that, we decided when we started dating a couple of moths ago that in time maybe about 6 months we would tell people. But I get all needy and upset when I don't know when we will see each other next. I know that usually when you date someone you plan a date and that is cool we do do that to and it is fine, i think it is just habit because we were together for 4 and a half years and to slow down and go back to dating and not be living together hurts me so much. I constanily ask him if he is happy with what we are doing and he says he is but I am so worried that I am going to do something to upset him and he will change his mind. I just want us to be happy together again and be able to get on with it and be happy. Like for instence last night I spent time with him we had dinner and I stayed over at his place. I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner on friday night and he said "maybe" I got all upset thinking when will I see you if I don't get to see you on friday, because he is busy playing rugby on saturday and has plans for sunday. I just miss him so much and I love him so much and I have such low self esteem that I am so scared of him changing his mind about what we are doing because I am worried that I will do something to piss him off.

 

Yes my dear... you do have low self esteem... Do you know why your esteem is so low?

 

If you show to much neediness.. you could push him away...back off a little.. k

 

Why did you guys split the first time.?

[rayblueline]

Get a commitment from him. Tell him that you want him back but that you have to respect yourself and if he is not willing to be committed to you, you will have some kind of heartbreak down the line. Worrying that you will do something that will upset your partner is not a healthy thing, you need to have the security that you can mess up from time to time and it will not be a big deal.

[Loz22]

I don't know why I have low self esteem, it has just taken over me. I was always worried when he went out that he wouldn't come home to me and that annoyed him. I'm not actually 100% sure why we broke up he just started growing away then I kind of accused him of cheating on me he swore that he didn't but I can't help but think the worst and I don't know why I torture myself. My mum said to me ages ago that if he did maybe that was something he had to do to make him realise that he does want to be with me. We have never actually sat down and talked over what happened between us, manly because I am such an emotional person I am scared that I will just start crying and I know he doesn't like seeing me so upset I just wish I could be strong.

[Loz22]

Any opions or views to my post would be greatfully appricated

[Chamari]

We have never actually sat down and talked over what happened between us, manly because I am such an emotional person I am scared that I will just start crying and I know he doesn't like seeing me so upset I just wish I could be strong.

 

You lived together for 4 1/2 years and still don't feel comfortable enough with him to discuss why you broke up? That doesn't sound quite right to me.

And while it obviously wouldn't be right for him to be happy to see you upset, it seems like after all this time that he should have learned to deal with it.

 

When I'm stressed/upset/tired/etc I tend to get emotional and cry which I find really irritating, but it's something that my bf's had to come to terms with. I know that towards the begining of our relationship he had a hard time dealing with me being emotional, but now that he's realized that it's just the way that my body handles stress he does a much better job dealing with it.

 

It seems to me that if you've been with this guy for that long that he should be able to cope with your emotions. Filling each others emotional needs is important and not something that you should have to avoid talking about because you might cry and make him upset. Yes, crying isn't necessarily fun for either of you, but it sounds like there are issues that you need to discuss for your peace of mind and if he really cares about you he should be able to handle that. He should [italics]want[/italics] to help you past these issues.

 

I know that for years I have felt like I'm not allowed to have emotions and it's only in the last year that I've really managed to get it into my skull that hey, I'm allowed to be upset, or sad, or to just cry if I want to. I don't have to pretend to be happy all the time just to keep other people happy. I don't have to pretend to be okay with everything. This has been an amazing revelation for me, particularly as I look around me and see lots of people that are struggling with things but won't ask others for help because that would be admiting that you can't handle something, that you're a failure or a burden if you need help. It's not true. More often than not, being willing to ask others for help (assuming that this doesn't happen constantly and that you're willing to reciprocate) can strengthen your relationships with others which in turn can help with many other issues in life.

 

I don't know all that much about you but I'd suggest that you look into counseling--although I'd suggest group counseling if you'd feel comfortable. I did that and it was one of the best things that I think I've ever done for myself. It helped me a lot to meet other people that were having the same kinds of problems that I was and even when there wasn't much to talk about, having that time to reflect and think was wonderful.

 

Sorry if I've gone over board here. I guess it just really bothered me to see that you didn't feel like you could talk to this guy that you've been with for so long. Sure there are times when you do need to be strong, but sometimes you need to be able to talk about what's bothering you and if you can't share your emotions with the man that you love than who?

[Loz22]

To the last post, we do talk it is just now with all the stress that I have got over alot of things makes my sadness worse. We do talk its just i don't feel strong enough to talk about things right now and I know that I should. He is ok with my emotions its just when i cry lots he gets upset because he hates seeing me like that. I just want him back I love him so much.

[Chamari]

I'm glad that he is someone that you can talk to then. Just wasn't sure from the earlier post.

 

Still, have you looked into therapy at all? I know I resisted the idea for a while but I'm so much happier now that I did go ahead and do it. I think it could be really benificial for you if you gave it a chance.

[Loz22]

I have thought about therapy but it is so expensive. I know it would help me alot but I can't afford it. I woke up this morning just wanting to talk to him so bad to tell him everything about the way I feel but i don't want to push him away I am scared that I will. I spent the day with him yesterday and we had dinner together and I slept over it was good, but now today all I want to do is text him and ask if I can see him tonight have dinner with him again and talk but I am scared that he will say he is busy. My mum tells me I need to play hard to get but I find that so hard because all I want is to be with him. I just wish that I could find some strength from somewhere. I wish I could turn back the clock and change what happened I wish we were still a couple and engaged, all I want to do now is cry even more.

[learning2luv]

I woke up this morning just wanting to talk to him so bad to tell him everything about the way I feel but i don't want to push him away I am scared that I will. I spent the day with him yesterday and we had dinner together and I slept over it was good, but now today all I want to do is text him and ask if I can see him tonight have dinner with him again and talk but I am scared that he will say he is busy. My mum tells me I need to play hard to get but I find that so hard because all I want is to be with him. I just wish that I could find some strength from somewhere. I wish I could turn back the clock and change what happened I wish we were still a couple and engaged, all I want to do now is cry even more.

 

I know it is difficult but you have to focus on the future. Why would you want to go back to the past, when your past is what led you to being broken up. Focus on the road ahead, and trust your bf, if you cannot trust him, then you should already consider the relationship over. I am a firm believer in positive thoughts. Be strong, smile, and don't stress and you are on the way to an opportunity of success. No one wants to be with an unhappy, stressed out, and weak person. Trust me I know. Good luck!

[Loz22]

I do trust him though. I try to be positive but because I have low self esteem I get upset and anxious over everything it just sucks I miss and love him so much.

[Chamari]

Mind if I ask a kind of personal question? Are you religious?

 

I'm Christian and one of the things that really helped me (and still does) on the days when I'm feeling down about myself or when I was having a hard time believing that the guy I was dating could actually like me and want to be with me was to just remember that there is always someone (God) who loves me, and if He loves me then there's got to be something lovable about me even if I can't see it in myself. It just helps me to be much more confident and happy about myself. Don't know if that would work for you but hey, it could be worth a try.