To Cheat or not to Cheat?

[VegasGirl_77]

Hi all - this is my first post, just happened to come across this site on google as I was looking for someplace for some advice.

 

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 2.5 years. He is affectionate, has a good head on his shoulders, lots of fun, and we get along wonderfully - I can honestly say he is my best friend. I have never been in a relationship that has lasted this long, and one where I feel like I am utterly perfect in someone else's eyes. Sure we fight and we have our arguments, but we always work them out, and things are just as good as they were before.

 

There is one major problem with our relationship - our sex life. It is completely stale. It isn't that I am unattracted to him, because I am on so many levels. It is more that he is unadventurous and only wants to do things the way he wants to. Prior to me, he had only slept with one other person (his ex-wife) and I had slept with...well alot more than that. Needless to say I am more adventurous and experimental, and I guess I have different needs. I need some spice and excitement and with him it's rather bland.

 

Recently, I started a new job here in Vegas. I met a co-worker and we have started flirting pretty heavily. I am also extremely attracted to him. Since I started dating my boyfriend, I have NEVER had this type of physical reaction to someone just as soon as I see him. It's like I want to immediately jump him right then and there. It doesn't help that our flirting gets pretty...graphic at times. The other night at work, things went to a new level. I was working, he was home having a night off...we started texting each other and things got REALLY hot and heavy. During these texts, he asked me to come over after work so we could hook up, and I said no, just because I was feeling a bit guilty. Last night again at work, the topic came up - could I come over after work? I couldn't (this time for legit reasons - dr appt).

 

But what I am having a problem with is this: while my relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful and I am happy as hell with him, I am not getting what I need sexually...and the thought that there is someone there willing to take care of me sexually and to do it in a way that would completely fill what I am looking for is driving me crazy. A huge part of me wants to just drive over there right now and take care of business, but then there is a part of me holding myself back because I don't know what that will do to me...I don't know if there is guilt, can I handle it? I am very torn because I haven't been this turned on by someone in a long time, yet I haven't had someone love me this much EVER.

 

I know what most of you will probably say - if you love your boyfriend, don't cheat, just leave it alone. But this idea of actually being taken care of sexually (which hasn't happened to me in such a long time) is also eating at me because it's something I'm severely lacking. How does one deal with any guilt that you feel after cheating? It is inevitable that you have to tell your sig. other or can you just keep it to yourself without having problems? Any help here is greatly appreciated because I am really at a crossroads.

[NoChance]

It pretty much comes down to what's more important to you, some hot and heavy sex now or a good, long term relationship?

 

From what u've told about this new coworkers actions, he's really aggresive and comes off as a player who only wants to get in your pants and will lose interest fast (once he gets it). You say he wants to take care of you sexually, but more likely than not, he just wants to get laid. The same moves he's doing to you, he's probably done to every other cute new worker that has come along.

 

From what you've told about your bf, he's pretty much perfect for you besides being boring in bed. Why not try some things in bed, or try explaining to him you need some spice in your sex life?

 

You could potentially be leaving a great guy for a short term fling of hot sex. WHile that is great and everything, more likely than not, after a while you'll wish you had the security and a good man instead.

 

It sounds to me your just trying to figure out a way to justify cheating

[VegasGirl_77]

I have tried explaining to him that we need to "spice it up" a bit and he tries, but it never works. It always ends up being the same old vanilla sex as before. I have tried sexy lingerie, movies, toys...you name it, I have tried it and either he doesn't like it or he doesn't know what to do...so I try and teach him and he doesn't catch on. Sex always has to be his way, the way he wants to do it, the positions he wants, the time he wants to do it...whenever I want to do something he finds some excuse to not try it, or not do it, whatever.

 

I have a feeling this co-worker just wants to get laid, but I kind of do too...that's why I'm confused. I KNOW I have the stability with my boyfriend, but I just don't feel taken care of. I feel like with him sex is always all about him and never about me or US together. I don't know if I'm trying to justify cheating, I think I am just trying to figure out whether or not it's worth it for the boring, same old vanilla sex or worth it to have a bit of excitement for once.

[NoChance]

Ok after your 2nd post, it appears you've made some attempts. Actually after reading your 2nd post, you made your BF sound like a lucky douche that doesnt know what he's missing out on.

 

That said, what I dont get though, is why does the sex always have to go his way and how he wants it? I would suggest holding out on sex for a while, and when he starts getting sexually frustrated explain to him that thats how you feel after your "vanilla sex" all the time. Or if you tease him to get him hard but dont let him 'finish', it could give him a good idea how your left feeling everytime he's finished having sex with you?

 

One thing is pretty obvious, if you cheat on your BF once, you will continue to do so until it breaks you up, as if the sex is great as you think it will be , you'll keep coming back, and get more and more careless until your caught.

 

Its pretty clear that there is some miscommunication going on. Have you ever just openly approached your BF and told him whats going on and how you feel? I know the fear of being labled a slut is what holds a lot of girls back from expressing openly what they need sexually from their partner, but if you keep on going this way, you will eventually cheat.

 

 

Finally lets say, you do decide to cheat, and you hook up with this guy and have mind blowing sex and you finally have a great orgasm. Then minutes later your lying in bed next to some player who's done this a million times to a million girls, and all you'll be able to think of is the guy back home who cares about you.

[WarriorPoet]

I have tried explaining to him that we need to "spice it up" a bit and he tries, but it never works. It always ends up being the same old vanilla sex as before. I have tried sexy lingerie, movies, toys...you name it, I have tried it and either he doesn't like it or he doesn't know what to do...so I try and teach him and he doesn't catch on. Sex always has to be his way, the way he wants to do it, the positions he wants, the time he wants to do it...whenever I want to do something he finds some excuse to not try it, or not do it, whatever.

 

I have a feeling this co-worker just wants to get laid, but I kind of do too...that's why I'm confused. I KNOW I have the stability with my boyfriend, but I just don't feel taken care of. I feel like with him sex is always all about him and never about me or US together. I don't know if I'm trying to justify cheating, I think I am just trying to figure out whether or not it's worth it for the boring, same old vanilla sex or worth it to have a bit of excitement for once.

 

You need to point out to your BF the things you are saying here. Flat out. Dead honest.

 

"I need you to want to have sex with me when I want sometimes. I am not always turned on when you want it, but I still get into it because you want to and I want to make you happy. You need to do the same for me."

 

Be TOTALLY honest and wrap it up with, if you have to, "Look, this is really seriuos I love you and want to be with you, don't make me think about going other to other places/people for the sexual satisfaction I need in my life".

 

I am sure you can find better, more suiting words, but you get the point. If you cheat on him you will never forgive yourself and if he finds you will destroy your relationship. Even if he doesn't leave you, he'll never trust you, never love you the same way, never make love to you the same ect... Give him the a real, and fair chance to give you what you need and make him realize that you could go else where for it if he won't give it to you.

[Aloros]

Don't do it. How often do these "I cheated" stories work out for the best? The fact that you worry about the guilt basically means yes, you will feel terribly guilty about it.

 

You have some problems in your current relationship. This has led to you being attracted to someone else who offers to give you what you haven't been getting. No need to feel guilty about that, it's natural. Just don't act on it. I think you really need to tackle your issues one at a time. Cheating on your bf is a short-term solution that will only add to the number of issues you will need to deal with. In a logical sense, why make more work for yourself?

 

Issue #1 - your bf isn't fulfilling your needs. You've tried some things to change this, but it hasn't worked. How willing are you to continue working on this? Maybe you need to be brutally honest. Let him know that you're not feeling it in the bedroom arena and that this is resulting in you feeling some attraction for other people (I wouldn't mention your coworker specifically). He might have been lazy up to this point because he doesn't know that his actions, or lack thereof, have put your relationship in jeopardy.

 

Deal with this first. If you feel you've done enough work on this issue, and you don't think he's going to change, then the fact is, the relationship isn't working, and won't work. Then you can end it and have guilt-free nookie with the coworker, if that is what you really want. Unless he gets into a car accident tomorrow and dies, he'll probably be around for a while and will probably still be willing to sleep with you after you're done figuring out issue #1.

 

Issue #2 is just that you're attracted to your coworker and want to sleep with him, but this likely stems from issue #1, so don't act on this yet! Just please, don't start up something without resolving the real issue at hand. I'm sure you'd wish the same of your boyfriend if he was having similar problems.

 

I've had a similar situation. I was wildly attracted to a coworker while in a long-term relationship. My attraction helped me to realize that I wasn't getting what I needed in my relationship (mentally and emotionally), and that my SO, after close to six years, wasn't going to change. So I ended it, AND THEN I started dating the coworker. It took me nearly a year to figure out that I wanted to end my relationship, and in this time, I kept my relationship with my coworker purely innocent. When we started dating, I was able to do so with a clean slate.

 

I never wanted to live with a heavy burden of guilt and regret, and I doubt you do either. I know it's hard, but you'll feel better in the long run if you do the right thing and deal with your relationship first.

 

Hope this helps.

[Trialbyfire]

Couldn't have said it better Aloros.

[ollie]

some good advice has already been given. If your only looking for a one nighter, Of course that guy is going to ram you like that cheating bitch that you are. he will have no respect for you and if thats what you want then fine,

Dump your guy and be single get as much cock as possible and then settle down with the next fish that comes along after you got it out of your system.

[justagirliegirl]

Other excellent advice already given.

 

No, don't cheat. It's not worth it.

 

At home it sounds like he is very comfortable, too comfortable with how things are.You said everything seem to go on his terms. Hold off the sex for awhile. Mix things up. Be very aggressive occasionally and other times ignore him. Be mysterious. Get him back in the chase mode. He will love it!

[Missy27]

Aloros pretty much had it bang on. I always think it's best to finish one relationship before involving yourself with another, no matter what the reasons for ending it are. Even if you do JUST want to get laid. Personally I dont do sharing. I wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping with someone else whilst in my current Relationship.

 

I suppose what it boils down to is where YOU stand morally and socially with this. I mean at the end of the day you are not married to your BF so you dont REALLY have any tie to him, but then you have been with him for a considerable length of time. Your relationship I would imagine in HIS eyes is "exclusive" and whether married or not cheating is still just as damaging to all parties involved.

 

If you are considering cheating on your BF now then what happens 2 years down the line when you are still not getting your sexual needs met. You'll do it again, and again and again. This may mean that your needs are being met on a more regular basis but what about your BF's. 2 years down the line and his bond with you will have grown and therefore the damage caused from cheating increases. Its not fair to put someone through that. I suggest that if you REALLY think that your sex life with your current BF isn't going to improve and you see this as being one of your most important needs then end it and move on. Have the balls to lose what's "comfortable" to you now and take a chance on something new. If not then stay faithful. Two choices.

[LoveLace]

I agree with Missy, if you do this, it seems that you'd expect it to be a 1-time thing...but in fact it won't be unless the sexual aspect of your relationship improves to satisfy you. If you plan to stay with your BF, you will either have to accept things the way they are, continue to try and change them, or become a serial cheater. Once you are convinced that it won't change, you'll have to choose whether or not to be ok with that, or end the relationship.

[hardcase]

Hi all - this is my first post, just happened to come across this site on google as I was looking for someplace for some advice.

 

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 2.5 years. He is affectionate, has a good head on his shoulders, lots of fun, and we get along wonderfully - I can honestly say he is my best friend. I have never been in a relationship that has lasted this long, and one where I feel like I am utterly perfect in someone else's eyes. Sure we fight and we have our arguments, but we always work them out, and things are just as good as they were before.

 

There is one major problem with our relationship - our sex life. It is completely stale. It isn't that I am unattracted to him, because I am on so many levels. It is more that he is unadventurous and only wants to do things the way he wants to. Prior to me, he had only slept with one other person (his ex-wife) and I had slept with...well alot more than that. Needless to say I am more adventurous and experimental, and I guess I have different needs. I need some spice and excitement and with him it's rather bland.

 

Recently, I started a new job here in Vegas. I met a co-worker and we have started flirting pretty heavily. I am also extremely attracted to him. Since I started dating my boyfriend, I have NEVER had this type of physical reaction to someone just as soon as I see him. It's like I want to immediately jump him right then and there.

 

Well alrighty then...that says it all. Act on your superficial desires and jump the guy!....but only after you have done the right thing and break up with your boyfriend. He's obviously too nice of a guy to deserve fidelity right?...so do your bf a favor...break up with him..then you can jump this guy all you want.

 

 

But what I am having a problem with is this: while my relationship with my boyfriend is wonderful and I am happy as hell with him, I am not getting what I need sexually

 

Well then thats everything right?....break up with your bf so you can have the sex you want. Your bf can just chalk you up as an experience, since he hasn't had much, and maybe he'll get his freak on with the next woman.

 

...and the thought that there is someone there willing to take care of me sexually and to do it in a way that would completely fill what I am looking for is driving me crazy.

 

Of course someone wants to take care of you sexually....forget about love...its about the sex...right?

 

A huge part of me wants to just drive over there right now and take care of business, but then there is a part of me holding myself back because I don't know what that will do to me...I don't know if there is guilt, can I handle it? I am very torn because I haven't been this turned on by someone in a long time, yet I haven't had someone love me this much EVER.

 

Bah, your boyfriend is only giving you love...he is giving you his heart...thats all....you just go and have some sex....but please...break up with your bf before you do it...because NOTHING excuses being a cheater.

 

I know what most of you will probably say - if you love your boyfriend, don't cheat, just leave it alone. But this idea of actually being taken care of sexually (which hasn't happened to me in such a long time) is also eating at me because it's something I'm severely lacking. How does one deal with any guilt that you feel after cheating? It is inevitable that you have to tell your sig. other or can you just keep it to yourself without having problems? Any help here is greatly appreciated because I am really at a crossroads.

 

You are coming in this forum looking for advice on whether you should cheat or not? If you really want to do it with other men...then for god's sake...break up with your bf first....he deserves better than that.

 

And women say they can't find a good man.....well gee...no freakin' wonder.

[hardcase]

It pretty much comes down to what's more important to you, some hot and heavy sex now or a good, long term relationship?

 

From what u've told about this new coworkers actions, he's really aggresive and comes off as a player who only wants to get in your pants and will lose interest fast (once he gets it).

 

Oh surely not....

[hardcase]

You need to point out to your BF the things you are saying here. Flat out. Dead honest.

 

"I need you to want to have sex with me when I want sometimes. I am not always turned on when you want it, but I still get into it because you want to and I want to make you happy. You need to do the same for me."

 

Be TOTALLY honest and wrap it up with, if you have to, "Look, this is really seriuos I love you and want to be with you, don't make me think about going other to other places/people for the sexual satisfaction I need in my life"..

 

oh ya...that'll kill the relationship toot sweet. Its one thing to be up front and honest about what you want....its completely another matter when you tell someone, "don't make me go out and get it from someone else"...

 

If someone told me that, I'd open the door and say, then go find it, get the hell out and stay out.

 

suggesting that your partner spice things up, explaining what you want and trying to get it is all fine.

 

Telling your partner you'll go get it somewhere else is plain bull*****. If she was to tell her loving bf that...I wouldn't blame him a bit if she came home one day from work to find all her belongings out on the front lawn.

[whichwayisup]

I suggest you go read threads in the infidelity section so you can 'see' the pain you'll be inflicting on your boyfriend. Maybe reading about the pain that betrayed spouses go through will make you STOP thinking about cheating.

 

If you want to be with someone else, BREAK UP with your boyfriend first. He doesn't deserve to be cheated upon. Think of HIS feelings, not your own selfish needs first. You can't have your cake and eat it too!

[hardcase]

some good advice has already been given. If your only looking for a one nighter, Of course that guy is going to ram you like that cheating bitch that you are. he will have no respect for you and if thats what you want then fine,

Dump your guy and be single get as much cock as possible and then settle down with the next fish that comes along after you got it out of your system.

 

Well damn...and I thought I was harsh...but you pretty much hit the nail on the head.

[IpAncA]

I don't want to hear any excuses. Cheating is not the way to go and if your bf can't do what you want him to, then let him go.

[VegasGirl_77]

Well thank you to everyone for your advice. You all had some good things to say. I know it sounds petty to be be complaining about the sex and using the lack of sex/lack of interesting sex as a reason to be thinking about hooking up with someone else, but I guess I'm just frustrated. Everything else in our relationship is wonderful, except for this one thing, and to me it's pretty important that in a relationship, you try and take care of each other in bed. So I guess I'm probably speaking more out of frustration than anything. I'm glad to hear it's natural to have sexual feelings towards someone else even if in a committed relationship - I really wouldn't know because this is the first relationship I have had that has lasted more than a year, so this is pretty serious for me. And it really upsets me that I feel this way because of course in my brain, I know it's wrong to even be thinking about it as my boyfriend is a really good guy and it would probably tear him to pieces if he even knew I was thinking about it. It's just hard sometimes to feel...I don't know...like my needs aren't being respected or that he is not trying hard enough to meet them.

 

But you will be glad to know - last night at work I offered my co-worker (you know, THE co-worker) some help in fixing his computer at home (I have a knack for these things). So I went over to his place and fixed it for him and nothing happened, everything was cool - in fact, alot of the fantasy was kind of lost for me. While I couldn't help but sitting next to him and thinking "Oh my god, this guy is hot", the entire time all I could think about was how much my boyfriend would kill me if anything did happen. I don't know what it was, but I guess being in this guy's house, and seeing him in "normal" life as opposed to at work where things are a bit different just changed things. So, while I may get knocked for even going over there in the first place, it really did help me to get some things in perspective, which actually makes me feel alot better So thanks for your opinions!

[zilverenvlinder]

Wow. This is kind of scary, because I was JUST thinking of the same thing last night, almost.

 

Well, not to bore you with any details, but I am a very, very sexual person (I think it's because I'm a double Scorpio ^-~) and I put sex very high on my list of priorities. I too, am with a wonderful, loving guy...but...

 

I haven't had sex in two weeks. -_- And it hurts even worse because I spend almost every night with him, and he is just getting so stale. The worst part is, I woke up last night at 2 a.m and he wasn't there... he was in the attic, watching porn. Mmhmm. And this is AFTER I pulled out all the stops... offered to give him oral sex, wore his favorite underwear of mine... you get the picture.

 

I am just feeling so frustrated also! I feel your pain. It's getting to the point where I just want to call up my good old F--- Buddy and get it out of my system for a night or two.

 

I think part of your problem, and my problem, is the Madonna- Whore complex. Maybe they see us as more as their innocent, sweet, loving girlfriend than as a wild sex animal. Well, maybe this is my problem, and that's why my bf has to go watch Jenna get it stuffed in every orifice each night. -_- Blegh.

 

I honestly don't know what to do either, so when you find out, Vegas Girl, please PM me and we can have a discussion free of slander and pointing fingers.

[VegasGirl_77]

Zilver - I know what you mean about the porn thing. My BF enjoys porn, too much in fact. And I have no problem watching it with him to make it part of our experience together if that's what he wants to do. But, he has confessed to me that he still watches it alot more than he should...like when I work graveyards, he watches all this porn. So then when we try and have sex, he can't get aroused because he admits that he just took care of himself the previous night watching college chicks get pounded. So that's a bit of a blow to my self esteem as well. I am not an unattractive person I dont think, but not the world's greatest beauty...but still! And to make things worse, I noticed that in his porn drawer where he keeps it all, he has added more DVDs to his collection! And he has hidden it from me. I kind of called him on it the other day, jokingly, asking if he's gotten any good new porn the other day, and he "No, Im trying to cut back." Total lie, because I knoe he has new stuff. And it's all opened up. So it's also frustrating knowing that my BF is busy taking care of business with himself while I'm working all night...when I come home on my days off and all I want to do is be with him and he's not into it. So the porn is another problem I'm trying to deal with, and probably another part of the reason I was thinking about hooking up with someone else...frustrating to know that your BF can watch beautiful girls get pounded and not want to be with a real live girl in their oen bedroom. *sigh*

[hardcase]

But you will be glad to know - last night at work I offered my co-worker (you know, THE co-worker) some help in fixing his computer at home (I have a knack for these things). So I went over to his place and fixed it for him and nothing happened, everything was cool - in fact, alot of the fantasy was kind of lost for me. While I couldn't help but sitting next to him and thinking "Oh my god, this guy is hot", the entire time all I could think about was how much my boyfriend would kill me if anything did happen.

 

I know you could care less...but why don't I believe you?

[hardcase]

Wow. This is kind of scary, because I was JUST thinking of the same thing last night, almost.

 

Well, not to bore you with any details, but I am a very, very sexual person (I think it's because I'm a double Scorpio ^-~) and I put sex very high on my list of priorities. I too, am with a wonderful, loving guy...but...

 

I haven't had sex in two weeks. -_- And it hurts even worse because I spend almost every night with him, and he is just getting so stale. The worst part is, I woke up last night at 2 a.m and he wasn't there... he was in the attic, watching porn. Mmhmm. And this is AFTER I pulled out all the stops... offered to give him oral sex, wore his favorite underwear of mine... you get the picture.

 

I am just feeling so frustrated also! I feel your pain. It's getting to the point where I just want to call up my good old F--- Buddy and get it out of my system for a night or two.

 

No sex in two weeks??? geez .. is that all?...do your man and other men a favor....don't ever get married...you won't be able to handle it.

[VegasGirl_77]

Hardcase - that's cool if you don't believe me, but it's the truth. Honestly, it was partially a test to see how I would feel being over there and see how I would handle anything...and honestly, the entire time I was there I was *so nervous* and just wanted to fix his Internet and go back home. I mean, I was so on edge and so scared. And I guess seeing this guy outside of work in more of a personal environment...it just lost alot. I don't know. He just wasn't as attractive to me, and I ended up leaving and just thinking, ok thank god I didn't do anything because now I know I would have regretted it in a huge way. I was just so nervous...and I know it's my own fault for putting myself in that position, you know, of going over there in the first place, but I'm glad it happened this way. Because now I know that if I ever did anything outside of my relationship with my BF I would be scared ****less and I would feel horribly guilty...I mean, I felt so guilty just for BEING at this guy's house and nothing even happened or came close to happening and it was horrible enough. I can't imagine how I would feel if something actually HAD happened. Honestly, I don't even want to think about it anymore because the fear I had this morning was enough.

[hardcase]

Hardcase - that's cool if you don't believe me, but it's the truth. Honestly, it was partially a test to see how I would feel being over there

 

A test?....a test??? oh brother.

Thats like saying...."i wonder if a lion would eat me"...then to test it out, walk into a lion's den.

 

Whether you failed this "test" or not, you shouldn't have been at his place...PERIOD.

 

Its like my old signature says from the movie Boomerang "Love should have brought your ass home last night"....and not over to another guy's apartment...for sex...for a "test"...for nothing.

[Cobra_X30]

Vegas

 

Just tell him that if he doesnt fix it you are going to leave him. I mean come on... how hard can it be. Unless you want him to do stuff he isnt comfortable with.