xOW is going after FWH's best friend!

[Ruby Tuesday]

My FWH has a best friend that he has known since the eighth grade. He finally found a nice girlfriend and is planning to marry her soon. Her children and mine attend the same school together and she really is a sweet person.

 

Well, yesterday we were talking as we were waiting for the kids after school and she told me something she had been holding back for a month, and I need advice on how to handle this.

 

My husbands xOW is going into the best friends (public) workplace and hitting on him. She is telling people that they are seeing each other. The girlfriend tore her a new assh*le, but the xOW keeps showing up there, as recently as last Monday (Memorial Day). The best friend and the girlfriend both work at the same place, but she was off on Monday and bestfriend was on duty when xOW showed up there again.

 

Ignoring her doesnt help, because ignoring her just gives her the "consent" to keep doing this. Confronting her doesnt help because she can turn it around and play the victim and nobody wants to bring any of that on themselves, especially after seeing what I've been through with her.

 

I feel HORRIBLE for the girlfriend and the best friend because the best friend knows all about the xOW and he would never have anything to do with her. This has nothing to do with them. The xOW has her eye on the real prize, my FWH. The xOW is pulling this stunt to get my FWH's attention by going after his best friend. The girlfriend is very angry (and I can't blame her for that) and I don't want her happiness spoiled by the xOW.

 

My husband wants nothing to do with this, but I feel he is responsible because he brought this into our lives and now it's effecting other people who are closest to us. His head is officially up his ass and he won't confront her.

[Trialbyfire]

Hey RT, if she's hitting on the best friend, the way to stop her is for the best friend to rebuff her publically and definitively. All he has to say to her in a loud and penetrating voice is "Look, stop hitting on me and go stalk someone else. Get a life because this is really starting to piss me off. If you need to get laid, I'm sure you can find someone who's willing to bed well used goods.".

 

The last thing you want to do is to have your WH talking to her again. It will only open the lines of communication with her. This is why she's doing it so he will contact her.

[Ruby Tuesday]

It just isnt going to work and we will never be able to reconcille. I will never heal from this for as long as I live. I should just face it that we were over the day he crossed that line. God I'm so dumb! How can I know so much about affairs and still be so god damned stupid!!!

 

:'''( !!!

[Trialbyfire]

Yes you will heal, if you let yourself and no, you're not dumb. Have the two of you gone to counselling, whether it's IC, MC or both?

[a4a]

Trial is correct..... the only way to rid yourself of a unwanted "cling-on" is to publically confront them..... tell them there is no interest and to go away.

Adding a bit of humiliation can help.

 

As for your H confronting her..... that only feeds the beast.

Don't get involved with this, nor your H.

 

If the Friend wanted this to stop he could make it stop.

 

Put your energy into your M and your own life not in a battle with this scum bucket. Obviously she has issues and there is no reason that you should have to deal with this....... this is between the scum bucket and the friend.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Counselling has nothing to do with this. This is blatant harassment and as long as it's being allowed, the FWS and his xOW can just go fu*k themselves. Seriously, I dont need this. He's put me through way to much as it is and I dont want it in my life anymore.

 

This is not living, it's dying slow.

 

A4A the only person who is being humiliated here is me. Apparently this has been a problem for the last month. Best friend isnt going to confront her, otherwise, she wouldnt have been back there again on Monday. No, it's way past time for my FWS to stand up for me and he's already blown it. Too late.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Good Grief RT,

 

This woman should be put out of her misery. I know you are upset about all of this but you need to take a deep breath and refocus. Your reacting on your emotions, you've had things building up, and its all coming together.

 

Here is the deal as I see it. She has been trying to get your H's attention in anyway she can. This woman is not well, its not about you even though it is affecting you. Get that. Your H is being publically embarrassed and doesn't want to give her the time of day. This woman is a loose wire and I imagine he is ashamed and a little frightened by her, what will she do next?? (don't become a loose cannon in a reaction to her). This isn't as much about him standing up for you as avoiding her and wishing it away.

 

If you are moving forward and believe your H to have been faithful since D day or after the fog, then you are betraying yourself by throwing away your marriage. YOU are ALLOWING HER TO WRECK HAVOCK. He cannot change the past, and BELIEVE ME I KNOW WHAT THE PRICE OF DEALING WITH HIS PAST means to your sanity, but your going to have to be in control of your own sanity from here on out. That means not reacting to things that you have no control over. Take a deep breath and think then act. There is no doubt in my mind that this woman is BPD, the could cause trouble in a monestary. Don't let her illness manipulate you OR your marriage. I don't think your husbands reaction is a betrayal of you even though he is not handling it the way you want him to. HE has now invited misery into his friends lives, he must be humiliated, just desserts if you ask me but I am truly sorry for you and your friends.

 

Please give it a day or two before you react. It really has sounded lately that you've been dealing with some of your own issues lately and this is compounding it and it shouldn't. These things should be considered separtely. Your own questions and insecurities about continuing your M or dealing with the pain, really are separate from this crazy womans latest attempt for some attention. She also must be completely writing herself off in his book, she is a nut case! Don't allow her to turn you into one too, YOU are way way way way too good for that. Deal with letting go of the hurt on your own, and yes, counseling can help YOU with that.

 

Common Ruby, somewhere inside you've just gotta be thinking, SEE WHAT A NUTCASE SHE IS!!!! HA HA HA!!!

[outofdarkness]

Hey RT..I am thinking on your dilemma, but i can't respond now..I have some things I'm trying to work out myself today, and want to put my all into a response...Will get back w/ you later on when my head is on straight..Like that'll happen...LOL!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hey RT, if she's hitting on the best friend, the way to stop her is for the best friend to rebuff her publically and definitively. All he has to say to her in a loud and penetrating voice is "Look, stop hitting on me and go stalk someone else. Get a life because this is really starting to piss me off. If you need to get laid, I'm sure you can find someone who's willing to bed well used goods.".

 

Yep, I would think that would do it. The more public and humiliating the better the chance that the OW (unless she is truly mentally ill) will leave him alone.

[Ruby Tuesday]

You don't understand. She never (NEVER) stops. It has been four years of torment and torture. We are not the only one she has gone after, I have been told by another woman that when she married the father of xOW's firstborn child, she went after her for years and years before she found my husband and ruined our lives.

 

I reported to my husband on several occasions that she has been coming around again and I knew there was somthing going on, I just didn't know what it was exactly, but now it is perfectly clear.

 

I am back to shaking again (if I extend my hands they tremble) and I feel sick. When I stand up I feel like passing out from exaustion and worry. The sign of things to come. It's not a good sign.

 

It's not even the best friend she is after, it is my husband she wants, and it will have a very profound and negative effect on their newfound happiness. This relationship is the best thing that ever happened to him and I can see it being slowly destroyed. It's just the beginning. She'll get to FWS through them, even by breaking them up. You mark my words. I'm just psychic that way.

 

Like I said, this has been a problem for them over the last month and then she showed up again at their shop last Monday.

 

ITS NOT OVER.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I agree with one of the above posters. It sounds an awful lot like she is making an ayas out of herself in a desperate attempt to spite your husband. Unless it’s a really small town, than I can think of no other reason why she would now set her sights on your husband’s best friend.

 

This is exactly why neither of you should react at all. Don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing her sophomoric games are getting to either of you. That’s exactly what this bunny boiler wants. And you and your husband have to present a united front. Indifference (even if you have to fake it) is the best course of action you can take in a situation like this.

 

Meanwhile, I understand how upsetting it is to watch your friend’s fiancé have to deal with this woman’s toxicity. Especially having experienced it first hand and knowing what you know about her. BUT ... I don’t think it will do any good for either of you ladies to chase this woman off for your partners. It’ll only look as if you’re jealous of her ... and she’ll only feel better about herself if other women perceive her as some kind of threat. You’ll simply be feeding her starving ego.

 

The “rejection” must come from your husband and his friend. THAT will cool her jets and make her feel foolish. Hopefully, your husband and his friend already know enough about this woman to get a pretty clear picture of what she’s all about. And if they don’t have the good sense to keep someone like this from wreaking havoc over their romantic relationships ... maybe they’ll at least value their friendship enough to not allow some fruit-loop woman to come between them. After all, who in their right mind would want their best friend’s sloppy seconds unless they were hard up? Especially knowing what they both already know about her.

 

As far as this guy’s fiancé goes, I hope she can muster the dignity and self-control to step back and watch the situation unfold as a silent observer. How her guy responds to the advances (or doesn’t respond) will tell her all she needs to know about the character of the man she’s about to marry. A really good Litmus test that separates the men from the boys. One that might prevent her from making one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

[Ruby Tuesday]

My husband has always sheltered the xOW, excused her bad behavior and he's protected her repeatedly. The worst was when he had me arrested at work, which also happened right in front of my kids as we were there decorating for Halloween after hours, with the WS/OW falsely claiming that I was harassing her.

 

These charges that were later dropped in court, not dismissed, dropped but I still have a nice rap sheet to follow me everywhere for the rest of my life!

 

Then he was mad (at me) because he lost a day of work because he had no one to watch the children while I rotted in a jail cell waiting for my bail hearing. This was retaliation after I had tried to get a restraining order to stop her harassment, but he testified against me saying I was just making things up because I was jealous of the affair. I got to see him leaving court with his arm around her waist.

 

I have never seen him stand up for me. They broke up under false pretenses (for the kids) and that has always bothered me because in the past, he could always go back to her and say... you see. Ruby just couldnt get over it or whatever.

 

What I couldnt get over was her constant following me and breaking NC showing up at his work and telling him "we can still be friends."

 

No. No and NO!

 

It's his turn to stand up for me.

[Ruby Tuesday]

The “rejection” must come from your husband and his friend. THAT will cool her jets and make her feel foolish. Hopefully, your husband and his friend already know enough about this woman to get a pretty clear picture of what she’s all about. And if they don’t have the good sense to keep someone like this from wreaking havoc over their romantic relationships ... maybe they’ll at least value their friendship enough to not allow some fruit-loop woman to come between them. After all, who in their right mind would want their best friend’s sloppy seconds unless they were hard up? Especially knowing what they both already know about her.

 

Thats what I'm saying!

 

BTW it is a real small town, pop 700.

 

I'm starting to think the best friend has only known the gingerbread version my husband gave him. I agree girlfriend and I need to go discuss this over coffee and expose the ugly truth before it's too late.

[Ruby Tuesday]

I have come up with a plan. Please tell me what you think? The next time xOW shows her ugly face at that shop again I'm going to ask the girlfriend to call me, and then me and my FWS are going to show up there unannounced together. It will be a united front. Strength in numbers, that sort of thing. What do you think?

[NoIDidn't]

OMG, he had YOU arrested!!! For harrassing her!!!! I just don't know what to say.....Really.

 

In light of that, I definitely think that she is looking for a repeat performance of having you arrested. Your husband OWES you some recompense for that. I don't think you will be presenting a united front, though. It seems like he doesn't have the balls to face her or what he's done to you and your marriage.

 

And xOW will see through it when she sees how shocked he is to see that she is there and he senses that you orchestrated the whole scene to get her.

 

I know it hurts, but sometimes the best you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore. Oh, and document. Document, document, document.

 

Sorry Ruby.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Document is right. The thing that saved me was the receipts from my outings (luckily we eat out alot) and gas station slips to proove I was not where they said I was. I never saw it coming until two sheriffs showed up looking for me at work. It took my WS two weeks to admit he lied and he actually did come to court with me, but it was too late for apologies because by then it was a matter of the State vs Ruby Tuesday and I had to proove my innocence to them.

 

One of these days I'll have to tell you about the OW's "victim impact statement". lmao. Talk about delusional.

 

He never took the stand though. However, the best part was where the judge remembered me being there only weeks before requesting a R.O. and then he admonished the OW publicly in court on morality (this judge has a custom for giving speeches in court) and he was about to order a jury trial for me and she started backpeddeling fast. The DA lost their last and only witness and dropped the case.

 

hahahaha

 

But it was just me up there, standing up for myself alone.

[harleygirl92156]

I'm sorry RT, but I think you need to keep your nose out of everyone elses business.

 

1. If your friends are having problems with someone, let them deal with it on their own. You don't know why it is happening, you just assume it revolves around your husband and you..........it may not. Let them deal with her in their own way. If they come to you for help, tell them there is nothing you can do about it and they will have to deal with it on their own. They need to contact athorities and report her for harrassment or stalking, if that is the case. They are adults and don't need you "saving" them from the awful OW, they are capable of taking care of themselves.

 

2. If you no longer want your husband, let her have him. If he had you arrested for harassing her, either you were and it was pretty bad or he cares for her more than you and in that case, LET IT GO. Why worry about what she and he are doing, learn to take care of yourself and let others live their lives as they see fit, not as you would like. Trying to control others ( and the is exactly what you are doing) is like a waste of time. Take care of your own side of the street and leave others to their own sidewalk. Life will become much easier for you if you stop trying to control everyone and everything around you. You do not have to save your friends relationship, you can't save your friends relationship, that is their task. Your task is to take care of you and only you and leave others to their own.

 

You sound way way to emotional about the OW seeing your husbands friend, let it go, take a hot bath, clear your mind, let others live their own lives and get some sleep.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you sound way to involved in others personal business.

[april sunshine]

The xOW sounds as though she is 'escalating' at the moment. I would wonder about the possibility of this woman being morbidly jealous of you RT...if this is the case you need to be very careful about how you respond, or if you even respond at all. At the least, it sounds as though she may be personality disordered. I would advise caution, and a 'minimising' approach. You may find that a lack of response towards her starts to 'douse' the fire....assertive response, on the other hand, may just cause her to continually up the ante'...

[4whatItsWorth]

Then he was mad (at me) because he lost a day of work because he had no one to watch the children while I rotted in a jail cell waiting for my bail hearing. This was retaliation after I had tried to get a restraining order to stop her harassment, but he testified against me saying I was just making things up because I was jealous of the affair. I got to see him leaving court with his arm around her waist..

 

I haven't followed your story, RT...but how come you took him back after THAT? I'm sorry but I would never have been able to, you must either love him like mad or be an incredibly forgiving person.

 

You sound like you deserve much better than to be in this situation, sorry to hear the xOW is such a stalker.

[Ruby Tuesday]

The reason I didnt talk about the arrest before was because I knew that it would just make me look bad for taking him back again, but on the other hand, if I didnt tell you what happened then you'd never understand my position. This isnt about the best friend. This is about us. She doesnt even want the best friend. She's harassing us through his friends. It has been over a year and she's still there (wherever I go) and I'll do whatever I have to do to protect myself and my interests.

[justagirliegirl]

Maybe the best thing for your to do is pack up and move somewhere else away from the entire lot of them.

 

I wouldn't be able to forgive a spouse who not only cheated but actually had you arrested! That is unforgivable. I hope you think you deserve better than this circus because you do. I hope you wash your hands of the entire mess.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Thank you JAGG. I have had the same concerns and thoughts as you have mentioned.

[shellys-trying]

A couple months after H ended his A with the skank coworker he cheated with, H told me the skank was flirting with his friend there at work.

He was disgusted that his friend knowing what a ho the woman was was hitting on the guy. (I'm sure to his friend it looked like jealousy on H's part)

The friend's W started work there soon after and H said his friend started sitting between his W and the xOW skank to prove to everyone he wasn't having an A with the skank.

Soon after that, I confronted the skank myself and told her to stay away from H's friend and what was it with her skanking with MMs? She of course denied flirting with H's friend. I feel she was flirting with H's friend to make H jealous.

Unfortunately for her, H was totally turned off and disgusted by her behavior. It really nailed the coffin shut with H, seeing she was flirting with yet another MM. Guess she showed her azz.

Too funny!

[Melissa277]

RT, I thought my situation was messed up. Geez. You're definitely a bigger person than I am. He had you arrested and I believe you said that he protects her? I don't know how you stand it.

 

Do you still love him after all of this? Does he still love you?

[mopar crazy]

He had you arrested? Damn, you must really love him and are a very forgiving person.

 

My H pulled almost the same *****. He had his lawyer write a letter to my lawyer stating that I was accusing H and OW of having an inappropriate

R and it was not true. If I contacted OW in any manner she would take legal actions. My lawyer thought I was going to fly through the roof but I lmao! He was protecting his little skanky OW! By the way, he LIED to his lawyer about being in an inappropriate R, they were!

 

Back to you problem. I don't know what you can do or say but IMO I think your friend needs to deal w/ this ****. I wouldn't get myself involved w/ this wacky xOW and worry about working on the M. I know it's hard, very hard, to just stand back and not do anything but I don't see what else you could do. Don't let this psycho know she is getting to you.