Lessons from an affair

[herenow]

I had a discussion with a friend of mine, who has also survived an affair, about what we learned from the experience. I learned that you can't take any relationship for granted. I now realize how important communication is, both positive and negative. I learned that it's OK to ask for help and that depending on my husband is a good thing. Our love for each other is more real than ever before because we have been able to face and fix our problems together. We both know that our relationship is a full time commitment and should never be ignored.

 

There is so much more, but I should get to the point of this thread. I was wondering what the OW learns from an affair.

[BurriedAlive]

Hi herenow. Don't be offended about anything that I say because I am referring to my xMM and his W. It's nice to see that your H has redeemed himself and it is nice that you can trust him again.

 

Anyway, here is what I learned:

 

1. It's not worth it. Even if the sex was the the best and most exciting I had ever had, it wasn't worth what I lost in the end.

2. I am very gullible. Everything that I believed about him turned out to be lie. For example I believed that I was the first woman he had ever cheated with until I came to find out a week ago that he had been running around on W for years.

3. If MM can lie to W, he can lie to the OW.

4. The affair was all about him and his needs.

5. I know for a fact that he is still lying to W and she is still believing his lies, therefore I learned that people only believe what they want to believe.

6. I will never sleep with another woman's husband again.

7. The OW always gets thrown under the bus when push comes to shove.

8. Sometimes a H and W stay together for others reasons than love.

[herenow]

Hi herenow. Don't be offended about anything that I say because I am referring to my xMM and his W. It's nice to see that your H has redeemed himself and it is nice that you can trust him again.

 

Anyway, here is what I learned:

 

1. It's not worth it. Even if the sex was the the best and most exciting I had ever had, it wasn't worth what I lost in the end.

2. I am very gullible. Everything that I believed about him turned out to be lie. For example I believed that I was the first woman he had ever cheated with until I came to find out a week ago that he had been running around on W for years.

3. If MM can lie to W, he can lie to the OW.

4. The affair was all about him and his needs.

5. I know for a fact that he is still lying to W and she is still believing his lies, therefore I learned that people only believe what they want to believe.

6. I will never sleep with another woman's husband again.

7. The OW always gets thrown under the bus when push comes to shove.

8. Sometimes a H and W stay together for others reasons than love.

 

Thank you for answering, and I'm not offended at all. While my H was having his affair, he was a MM who was lying to me, the ow and himself. His affair was all about him and his needs. As far as trust, its been almost 1 1/2 years since I found out about his affair and I can't say that I trust him entirely. He does make a daily effort to help me with that, but rebuilding trust takes time.

 

Yes, couples stay together for many reasons, but I didn't want to remain married to someone who didn't love me as a wife and lover and not for any other reason. Many months of MC and my H's dedication to fixing the problems with in himself and our marriage proved to me that the love we have for each other is what is keeping our marriage together.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

1) If I am completely in control and responsible for my own happiness then noone can take that away from me.

 

2) I am not defined by someone elses actions.

 

3) It is self destructive to not to keep your head and your heart properly alligned.

 

4) Peoples actions are more important that their words.

 

5)Life isn't fair, accept it and move on.

 

6) Karma exists!!!!!!!!

 

7) Someone can only hurt me as much as I allow them to.

 

8) A person's character is their most important quality and a true definition of themselves.

 

9) People will justify anything for a shot of adrenaline or ego boost.

 

 

 

Number one was the most important lesson of my life, darn near killed me to learn it but I'm better for it and always will be.

[TogetherForever]

In the beginning of my relationship (which would be labeled an affair) I learned patience. My s/o & I knew that if we were patient enough, we'd be together one day. He told his wife what was going on & she agreed to the seperation.

I don't want to sound smug here when I say the lesson I learned was to be patient, but that is what happened.

 

Now being patient waiting for the divorce to take place is another thing.

[JustBecause]

Let's talk about lessons learned now why don't we.

I learned the hard way the mm's wives are nuts.

Sure did learn my lesson:mad:.

[whichwayisup]

I learned the hard way the mm's wives are nuts.

 

No, not all MM's wives are nuts...Your MM's wife was nuts, but you knew that she had mental illness all along, as did her cheating husband. Not defending her actions when she pushed you down the escalater, that was wrong of her, but due to the situation itself, the stress and high emotion, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have expected anything less. (because you were aware of her mental state.)

[frannie]

I had a discussion with a friend of mine, who has also survived an affair, about what we learned from the experience. I learned that you can't take any relationship for granted. I now realize how important communication is, both positive and negative. I learned that it's OK to ask for help and that depending on my husband is a good thing. Our love for each other is more real than ever before because we have been able to face and fix our problems together. We both know that our relationship is a full time commitment and should never be ignored.

 

There is so much more, but I should get to the point of this thread. I was wondering what the OW learns from an affair.

 

Well from an OW who is still in an affair, rather than one who has had a reason to move on and change what's happening.

 

What I've learnt during this experience (including my experience posting here on LS, and being in an affair, and being in a relationship with my MM, and so on):

 

That some men really do listen, and really do want things to move forward in terms of the relationship.

That men can be loving, warm, and open and still not get their needs met because of relationship problems... in the past I just assumed it was women who got their needs ignored, and based everything on my actions in a relationship... I was so used to feeling disappointed I didn't realise that some men felt the same way too.

That it's THAT easy for a partner to become dissatisfied enough to go looking for something on the side...and find what they never knew they could have.

That it's THAT easy for affairs to start.. and for them to go on and on and on with no questions asked by the spouse (why?).

That (some?) men are more concerned with their reputation and 'doing the right thing' than in being honest... but of course why wouldn't they be... women are likely to lie about numbers of sexual partners and all sorts of things rather than let their reputation falter. Men and women have different reputations to uphold.

That there are many people from all walks of life involved in affairs, and each individual involved is unique, and you just cannot generalise about 'affairs'.

That some marriages are worse than any affair I could imagine.

That many women and men will accept just about any behaviour just to hear the words 'I love you', or feel needed and wanted.

That people giving advice are often more interested in determining what you do than helping you find the best solution for yourself.

That many people posting on message boards are more interested in their own voice than listening to the situation at hand.

 

Well those are a few.

[Lizzie60]

I had a discussion with a friend of mine, who has also survived an affair, about what we learned from the experience. I learned that you can't take any relationship for granted. I now realize how important communication is, both positive and negative. I learned that it's OK to ask for help and that depending on my husband is a good thing. Our love for each other is more real than ever before because we have been able to face and fix our problems together. We both know that our relationship is a full time commitment and should never be ignored.

 

There is so much more, but I should get to the point of this thread. I was wondering what the OW learns from an affair.

 

I learned that most MMs are in fact communicating with their wife, telling them they will NEVER EVER cheat... that they will be together forever... and that their love for their wife is real... I have absolutely no doubt about that... in most cases anyway... but they still go see what's out there.

[hardcase]

Hi herenow. Don't be offended about anything that I say because I am referring to my xMM and his W. It's nice to see that your H has redeemed himself and it is nice that you can trust him again.

 

Anyway, here is what I learned:

 

1. It's not worth it. Even if the sex was the the best and most exciting I had ever had, it wasn't worth what I lost in the end.

 

Its the best and most exciting you ever had because its taboo and also because it was exciting for him too because he hasn't had sex with a different woman for a long time.

 

And exactly what did you lose in the end other than time?

 

 

2. I am very gullible. Everything that I believed about him turned out to be lie. For example I believed that I was the first woman he had ever cheated with until I came to find out a week ago that he had been running around on W for years.

 

Cheaters ARE liars....he was cheating on his wife...so what?..did you think he was a stand up, honest man?

 

 

3. If MM can lie to W, he can lie to the OW.

 

You are correct here.

 

4. The affair was all about him and his needs.

 

And you?...what were you thinking about his wife and kids needs?

 

6. I will never sleep with another woman's husband again.

 

Good!

 

7. The OW always gets thrown under the bus when push comes to shove.

 

Well who should be "thrown under the bus"?...his wife and kids??

 

8. Sometimes a H and W stay together for others reasons than love.

 

this is true too.

[hardcase]

Thank you for answering, and I'm not offended at all. While my H was having his affair, he was a MM who was lying to me, the ow and himself. His affair was all about him and his needs. As far as trust, its been almost 1 1/2 years since I found out about his affair and I can't say that I trust him entirely. .

 

 

a year and a half?? And you still don't trust him? has anyone here told you to "get over it" yet?

 

Its only been 9 months since I found out...and I've been told by women here to "get over it"....just wondering if you are getting the same from them.

[hardcase]

Let's talk about lessons learned now why don't we.

I learned the hard way the mm's wives are nuts.

Sure did learn my lesson:mad:.

 

Of course they are...and its understandable when another woman is bedding down their husband. They have every right to be angry at the husband and the OW.

 

 

And just how many MM have you slept with?

[whichwayisup]

I learned that most MMs are in fact communicating with their wife, telling them they will NEVER EVER cheat... that they will be together forever... and that their love for their wife is real... I have absolutely no doubt about that... in most cases anyway... but they still go see what's out there.

 

Those men are knowingly DECEIVING, speaking words of lies by telling their wives what you listed in your post. That's just plain manipulative, cruel and selfish of your MM.

[Lizzie60]

Those men are knowingly DECEIVING, speaking words of lies by telling their wives what you listed in your post. That's just plain manipulative, cruel and selfish of your MM.

 

otherwise they wouldn't be cheating...

 

Once a cheater...always a cheater... I don't care what they say. They might calm down for a while...but they are eventually back in the 'chase'.

 

I honestly, truly believe that.

[frannie]

otherwise they wouldn't be cheating...

 

Once a cheater...always a cheater... I don't care what they say. They might calm down for a while...but they are eventually back in the 'chase'.

 

I honestly, truly believe that.

 

Hmm but see, if you say that, you have to think about the 70% figures that are bandied about. 70% of people admit to cheating in their relationships... so... what does this mean for those who are absolutely NO CHEATING...?

 

That 70% of all people are out of bounds to them as future/present partners..?

 

Doesn't it behove everyone to look at the reasons for cheating rather than branding people 'cheaters' and non-cheaters..? Doesn't cheating depend on situation rather than something inherent in human beings (other than saying yes, cheating is a possibility for ALL people)... which brings you back to this:

 

People cheat (mainly?) because of their SITUATION... rather than 'who they are'... in other words... their relationships.

 

If your relationship is going tits up, you can bet that your partner will be thinking of cheating... because people WANT love, they want sex, and they want connection.

 

If you say anything about 'cheaters' you're talking about 70% of the population... think on that.

[movinon05]

I learned I was wrong about the MM. She can have him.

 

I learned that I didn't have to settle for what I settled for in my marriage.

 

I learned that lessons can be learned and I'm much better for it now.

 

Onward and upward from all of them.

[Lizzie60]

Hmm but see, if you say that, you have to think about the 70% figures that are bandied about. 70% of people admit to cheating in their relationships... so... what does this mean for those who are absolutely NO CHEATING...?

 

That 70% of all people are out of bounds to them as future/present partners..?

 

Doesn't it behove everyone to look at the reasons for cheating rather than branding people 'cheaters' and non-cheaters..? Doesn't cheating depend on situation rather than something inherent in human beings (other than saying yes, cheating is a possibility for ALL people)... which brings you back to this:

 

People cheat (mainly?) because of their SITUATION... rather than 'who they are'... in other words... their relationships.

 

If your relationship is going tits up, you can bet that your partner will be thinking of cheating... because people WANT love, they want sex, and they want connection.

 

If you say anything about 'cheaters' you're talking about 70% of the population... think on that.

 

what you mean... but I'm sure that most men, if not all, given the chance, they will cheat...and if they say NO...they're lying... I truly believe that... I absolutely not believe in monogamy in ANY long-term relationships.

 

I know that the % of cheaters varies from survey to surveys, because only 'married couples' are in the stats... common-law are not counted in those stats... but IMO, a common-law couple who have lived together for 10 or more years are just the same as a married couple, except for the piece of paper.

 

I'm sure if they would make a survey on all couples (married or common law) they'd come up with over 95% and more of partners that cheat.

[frannie]

what you mean... but I'm sure that most men, if not all, given the chance, they will cheat...and if they say NO...they're lying... I truly believe that... I absolutely not believe in monogamy in ANY long-term relationships.

 

Personally, and I'm 44 and had relationships with a variety of men... varying lengths of relationship.

 

I think men will be faithful if they're happy. And that requires you to know what kind of person they are, what they need... and them to know the same.

 

Most men don't need to be hither and thither with other women... they just want to have what they need... whatever that is. Just like the rest of us.

 

The point is... to get married to the man who has needs similar to your own. And not to lie, not to pretend, and to realise your own sexuality, and his, and whether it matches.

[Lizzie60]

Personally, and I'm 44 and had relationships with a variety of men... varying lengths of relationship.

 

I think men will be faithful if they're happy. And that requires you to know what kind of person they are, what they need... and them to know the same.

 

Most men don't need to be hither and thither with other women... they just want to have what they need... whatever that is. Just like the rest of us.

 

The point is... to get married to the man who has needs similar to your own. And not to lie, not to pretend, and to realise your own sexuality, and his, and whether it matches.

 

When you say that they will be faithful if they're happy... I totally agree with that...but how long does that 'happiness' lasts? I truly believe that men cannot be faithful to the SAME woman all their life...

 

One day or another, they will get bored, stressed or another woman will 'notice' them... will smile at them... they will be flattered and curious about this other woman... and might want to 'know' more about that OW...

[Freedom Now]

I've learned that if it seems too good to be true, it undoubtedly IS....

 

Fairytale relationships (like my affair with my xMM) are best left in the storybooks....

 

They don't exist in real life.

[Lizzie60]

that men don't always cheat because they are unhappy... Some are very happy in their marriage, and would never leave their family...they just want more sex, some excitement or whatever...

[movinon05]

that men don't always cheat because they are unhappy... Some are very happy in their marriage, and would never leave their family...they just want more sex, some excitement or whatever...

 

scary stuff. verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry scary!

[messit]

When you say that they will be faithful if they're happy... I totally agree with that...but how long does that 'happiness' lasts? I truly believe that men cannot be faithful to the SAME woman all their life...

 

One day or another, they will get bored, stressed or another woman will 'notice' them... will smile at them... they will be flattered and curious about this other woman... and might want to 'know' more about that OW...

 

Um. No. Even if we were to assume that even the tiniest bit of of susceptibility resides in every man, that day is not an eventuality...

[frannie]

When you say that they will be faithful if they're happy... I totally agree with that...but how long does that 'happiness' lasts? I truly believe that men cannot be faithful to the SAME woman all their life...

 

One day or another, they will get bored, stressed or another woman will 'notice' them... will smile at them... they will be flattered and curious about this other woman... and might want to 'know' more about that OW...

 

I don't think it lasts any more or any less than any woman is happy in her marriage. People need to be happy and fulfiled in their relationships. And it's a fool who thinks that once joined (or exchanged of rings) gives a forever stamp to what you have.

 

Neither do I think that each person needs ANOTHER to fulfil them through their (inevitable) changes in life... but you cannot expect to marry at 20, and avoid sex and conversation til you die and believe that your partner isn't going to regret that and seek out satisfaction somewhere.. albeit online, in dreams, or with those wherever who exhibit the same kinds of yearnings that they do.

 

Life is complicated. Needs, and sexual desires are too... anyone who puts the cap on discussion of those with their So is asking for trouble.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Doesn't it behove everyone to look at the reasons for cheating rather than branding people 'cheaters' and non-cheaters..? Doesn't cheating depend on situation rather than something inherent in human beings (other than saying yes, cheating is a possibility for ALL people)... which brings you back to this:

 

People cheat (mainly?) because of their SITUATION... rather than 'who they are'... in other words... their relationships.

 

It would behoove someone involved to look at the way in which an individual handles major stressors. If one chooses to lie and manipulate in order to get what that person wants then YES, it would behoove anyone who might be interested in a R with them to take note.

 

People cheat because of how they choose to handle the situation which IS who they are and how they handle and approach things.