Lessons from an affair

[Trialbyfire]

1) If I am completely in control and responsible for my own happiness then noone can take that away from me.

 

2) I am not defined by someone elses actions.

3) It is self destructive to not to keep your head and your heart properly alligned.

4) Peoples actions are more important that their words.

5)Life isn't fair, accept it and move on.

6) Karma exists!!!!!!!! (I've seen this happen to the ex and the OW. Talk about Karma being incredibly nasty.)

7) Someone can only hurt me as much as I allow them to.

8) A person's character is their most important quality and a true definition of themselves.

9) People will justify anything for a shot of adrenaline or ego boost.

 

Number one was the most important lesson of my life, darn near killed me to learn it but I'm better for it and always will be.

Love it IWWH. It's perfect.

[Kenzo]

And what support would that be? Supporting people to remain in their selfish relationships that hurt other people?

Supporting people that don't care one red cent for the people they are hurting?....puuuulllease.

 

In most cases that is simply not true! I know at least for my self, I do care, and it tears me up inside. We are not all the heartless creatures some would have everyone else believing.

[annabelle75]

The Lesson from my "A" (it wasn't really an A because he was separated)indirectly, is that a few BSs should be banned from this section of the Forum, they serve abosolutely no positive purpose for the people who come here for support.

 

I also learned that they can say what they want about how great their life is now with their cheating spouses, but if they are so happy why in the world are they 24/7 arguing with OW/OM on LS?

 

You asked....

 

my sentiments exactly !!! If their marriage sare so fabulous now, why are they spedning all their time obsessing over this forum.

 

Some people need to just let it go and move on with their lives.

[Ripples]

TF, TC, it's pretty damn hard to feel anything but animosity towards OW as a BS, you know. Even when things are going well at home, maybe even as a result of things going well - because it heightens the awareness of what could have been lost, the desire to make an OW understand the anguish one is going through as a BS is pretty hard to resist.

 

This is an open forum, obviously. Affairs are a highly emotive and contentious issue, obviously. Put the two together and I'm surprised there isn't more OW bashing, to be honest

 

Now, I'm not saying it's a healthy or constructive thing to do for the OW (although I can imagine it being very satisfying for the BS, having been one ) and, in a couple of cases, it's downright disgusting the things some BS have said and/or the way it's been said (thanks NearlyThere ), but it has to be expected. Maybe the best you can do, as an OW, is treat the BS with the compassion, understanding they really deserve, and listen to the underlying messages that they are giving - if I ranted and raved at you, my message would have been "This pain is so, so bad and I am so frightened, please, please, please don't do this".

 

I believe, rightly or wrongly, that there are only two emotions - fear and contentment. Any other emotions are born out of these two. I believe that anger is born out of fear. I find it a lot easier to deal with anger when I understand where it's coming from, you know?

 

Of course, there are people who make me think there are exceptions to the rule But they can just be ignored as they soon run out of credibility.

 

Anyway, back to your regular schedule!

[annabelle75]

 

Now, I'm not saying it's a healthy or constructive thing to do for the OW (although I can imagine it being very satisfying for the BS, having been one ) and, in a couple of cases, it's downright disgusting the things some BS have said and/or the way it's been said (thanks NearlyThere ), but it has to be expected. Maybe the best you can do, as an OW, is treat the BS with the compassion, understanding they really deserve, and listen to the underlying messages that they are giving - if I ranted and raved at you, my message would have been "This pain is so, so bad and I am so frightened, please, please, please don't do this".

 

Why? This is the OW/OM forum. This is place they are suppose to be able to discuss their relationships. Why shoudl they have to put up with the constant attacks? Even though I am not an OW I am offended at the idea that they are some how lesser human being and should have to put up with it.

 

This is their forum.

[NearlyThere]

And what support would that be? Supporting people to remain in their selfish relationships that hurt other people?

Supporting people that don't care one red cent for the people they are hurting?....puuuulllease.

 

It does not say what kind of support it has to be, you are entitled to your own view on this subject, no-one is disputing that, however, if someone wishes to have support to remain in what "you" consider to be a selfish relationship it is their perogative, that is what the board is for. So if you dont want to support them, just don't read here.

 

This is what the first pinnned post says on this forum.

 

This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with people who already have commitments to other partners. It is certainly appropriate for people whose partners have been unfaithful to them to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner.

 

You are certainly not either.

[Ripples]

Annabelle, I'm afraid you're wrong. This forum is open, anyone can post, not just OW.

 

Don't get me wrong Annabelle, I'm not condoning anyone attacking anyone else, especially in the ways that have been shown. However, the best course of action is usually the one of least resistance. You're not going to change their minds, just as they aren't going to change yours. All people do is get their knickers in a knot with absolutely no effect on the other person. You just end up getting all anxious and unless you're a drama queen, that's not a good feeling to have.

 

BTW, I wonder if you read the whole of my post? I did mention the exceptions to the rule

[Trialbyfire]

Now back to our regularly scheduled program of what was learned during an affair...

 

Something else I learned about an affair situation:

 

I find it surprising how little morality matters to people, when they're caught up in the adrenaline rush of an affair. I honestly can't understand the mentality of poaching and secrecy surrounding affairs, or will ever condone the lifestyle of something so blatantly unhealthy. I can't understand falling so far below yourself, that you would be willing to accept part of a liar and a cheater.

[Ripples]

Oops!

 

Ok, just to be on topic

 

I learned that some women can have absolutely no moral code and I'm afraid I've learnt to not trust women like I used to. Also, I make huge efforts to let my female friends know I'm never making a play for their men.

[NearlyThere]

TF, TC, it's pretty damn hard to feel anything but animosity towards OW as a BS, you know. Even when things are going well at home, maybe even as a result of things going well - because it heightens the awareness of what could have been lost, the desire to make an OW understand the anguish one is going through as a BS is pretty hard to resist.

 

This is an open forum, obviously. Affairs are a highly emotive and contentious issue, obviously. Put the two together and I'm surprised there isn't more OW bashing, to be honest

 

Now, I'm not saying it's a healthy or constructive thing to do for the OW (although I can imagine it being very satisfying for the BS, having been one ) and, in a couple of cases, it's downright disgusting the things some BS have said and/or the way it's been said (thanks NearlyThere ), but it has to be expected. Maybe the best you can do, as an OW, is treat the BS with the compassion, understanding they really deserve, and listen to the underlying messages that they are giving - if I ranted and raved at you, my message would have been "This pain is so, so bad and I am so frightened, please, please, please don't do this".

 

I believe, rightly or wrongly, that there are only two emotions - fear and contentment. Any other emotions are born out of these two. I believe that anger is born out of fear. I find it a lot easier to deal with anger when I understand where it's coming from, you know?

 

Of course, there are people who make me think there are exceptions to the rule But they can just be ignored as they soon run out of credibility.

 

Anyway, back to your regular schedule!

 

You see, I agree, that it would be very difficult for the OW and BS to find a common ground and I can see sometimes when certain OW post on here why they do get a bashing, sometimes, I want to bash them. I read RubyTuesdays post on here and on the infidelity forum, (hope she doesnt mind me of all people quoting her), but her pain and hurt was so tangible, I understand why she wants to hit me over the head, even though I am not the OW involved in her particular R. So I dont mind the odd bash here and there. But when people are so raw with the emotion this is the worst place BS's can be, it must look like we are rubbing their noses in it, I can see that. However, equally, I do need a place to post and I dont want it to turn into a running battle about every word I write.

 

NT

 

BTW, well done with the dog, your a hero.

[TogetherForever]

Trial,

Your kitten in the dustpan is too cute. Love it!!!

[Trialbyfire]

Oops!

 

Ok, just to be on topic

 

I learned that some women can have absolutely no moral code and I'm afraid I've learnt to not trust women like I used to. Also, I make huge efforts to let my female friends know I'm never making a play for their men.

Hahaha...

 

I also make the effort to do this too. A side effect of being a betrayed wife. I'm close to some of my friends' husbands and it's all understood clearly that there's nothing untoward happening. They're an awesome bunch.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks TF. I fell in love with it 'cause I'm a cat person. Meow...

[herenow]

Thank you to everyone who actually answered the question. It seems that what some of us BW and OW have in common is that we learned something about ourselves. And when we get past the pain and are able to see things clearly, we find that we can move on as a better and healthier person.

 

I guess two weeks of vacation with my H and some time away from LS did me some good!

[Tomcat33]

TF, TC, it's pretty damn hard to feel anything but animosity towards OW as a BS, you know. Even when things are going well at home, maybe even as a result of things going well - because it heightens the awareness of what could have been lost, the desire to make an OW understand the anguish one is going through as a BS is pretty hard to resist.

 

This is an open forum, obviously. Affairs are a highly emotive and contentious issue, obviously. Put the two together and I'm surprised there isn't more OW bashing, to be honest

 

Now, I'm not saying it's a healthy or constructive thing to do for the OW (although I can imagine it being very satisfying for the BS, having been one ) and, in a couple of cases, it's downright disgusting the things some BS have said and/or the way it's been said (thanks NearlyThere ), but it has to be expected. Maybe the best you can do, as an OW, is treat the BS with the compassion, understanding they really deserve, and listen to the underlying messages that they are giving - if I ranted and raved at you, my message would have been "This pain is so, so bad and I am so frightened, please, please, please don't do this".

 

I believe, rightly or wrongly, that there are only two emotions - fear and contentment. Any other emotions are born out of these two. I believe that anger is born out of fear. I find it a lot easier to deal with anger when I understand where it's coming from, you know?

 

Of course, there are people who make me think there are exceptions to the rule But they can just be ignored as they soon run out of credibility.

 

Anyway, back to your regular schedule!

 

You know Ripples every single part of your post makes perfect sense, I always did like your way of expressing yourself!

I understand the underlying message and I also understand they need to be understood, but I'm not sure this is the forum for that kind of support. Just like sometimes it proves to be impossible for a BS to understand an OW/OM it is just as impossible for the OW/OM to have sympathy for the BS not because of what they have been through but because of how they conduct themselves on this forum. So it becomes a personal thing and a lot of the times it's a catfight over personal situations, with complete strangers who take things personally.

 

If I being an "OW" joined a forum that was a support forum for BS and started making comments that were intended to get under their skin because of my personal situation I really am doing no service to that particular forum. And I know people are going to argue that you can't comepare the OW/OM with the BS one is victim the other not....but that's not the point, the point isn't who's the bad guy who's the good guy the point is there was a need for a support forum for people in the "bad guys' " shoes and it doesn't matter whether you agree with it or not, it's not for you (the collective you) to judge no matter what's been done to you personally. And that does not negate the fact that BS are feeling a lot of pain and they will never have sympathy for an OW/OM but then maybe they should be posting on another forum it it's that painful for them to interact with OW/OM.

 

Personally, I think from looking at what goes on here at LS the select few that I am refering to, are just here to cause problems, they have HUGE unresolved issues and are only here to cast stones. In my opinion they should be banned from posting here...

 

On the other hand I read some very valuable discussions generated from both sides of the equation, it was done in a way that was not only productive and enligthening but it was using sensitivity from both ends. To me that's what support is, using your new found knowledge to offer a helping hand to those around you. But I see some of the threads initated here sometimes are just bait to get the sides going and inevitably it degenerates into a pi$$ng match to see who can pee the furthest.

Even this thread it was fiasco waiting to happen, I could tell what would happen from the minute I saw the original post go up.

 

 

So it's at that point that certain people join in to outdo one another and the underhanded insults start and so on so forth. SO if the two sides cannot reach a form of comeradery even a superficial one just to make peace for those who are still in a fragile emotional state, well perhaps it's best to ban those that really don't belong on this side of the fence. I would also agree to ban those that don't belong on BS forums who go on there just to lash out and bait.

 

It's my opinion. And it's what I learned from my "A".

[annabelle75]

You know Ripples every single part of your post makes perfect sense, I always did like your way of expressing yourself!

I understand the underlying message and I also understand they need to be understood, but I'm not sure this is the forum for that kind of support. Just like sometimes it proves to be impossible for a BS to understand an OW/OM it is just as impossible for the OW/OM to have sympathy for the BS not because of what they have been through but because of how they conduct themselves on this forum. So it becomes a personal thing and a lot of the times it's a catfight over personal situations, with complete strangers who take things personally.

 

If I being an "OW" joined a forum that was a support forum for BS and started making comments that were intended to get under their skin because of my personal situation I really am doing no service to that particular forum. And I know people are going to argue that you can't comepare the OW/OM with the BS one is victim the other not....but that's not the point, the point isn't who's the bad guy who's the good guy the point is there was a need for a support forum for people in the "bad guys' " shoes and it doesn't matter whether you agree with it or not, it's not for you (the collective you) to judge no matter what's been done to you personally. And that does not negate the fact that BS are feeling a lot of pain and they will never have sympathy for an OW/OM but then maybe they should be posting on another forum it it's that painful for them to interact with OW/OM.

 

Personally, I think from looking at what goes on here at LS the select few that I am refering to, are just here to cause problems, they have HUGE unresolved issues and are only here to cast stones. In my opinion they should be banned from posting here...

 

On the other hand I read some very valuable discussions generated from both sides of the equation, it was done in a way that was not only productive and enligthening but it was using sensitivity from both ends. To me that's what support is, using your new found knowledge to offer a helping hand to those around you. But I see some of the threads initated here sometimes are just bait to get the sides going and inevitably it degenerates into a pi$$ng match to see who can pee the furthest.

Even this thread it was fiasco waiting to happen, I could tell what would happen from the minute I saw the original post go up.

 

 

So it's at that point that certain people join in to outdo one another and the underhanded insults start and so on so forth. SO if the two sides cannot reach a form of comeradery even a superficial one just to make peace for those who are still in a fragile emotional state, well perhaps it's best to ban those that really don't belong on this side of the fence. I would also agree to ban those that don't belong on BS forums who go on there just to lash out and bait.

 

It's my opinion. And it's what I learned from my "A".

 

excellent post

 

i always seem to agree with you

[Tomcat33]

Thanks Anabelle!

 

Further to my last post, I refrained from posting in this thread not because the topic wasn't a good one, it was., I didn't post because I knew exactly how this thread would turn out. It would be fine for a while and then inevitably someone from either side of the fence would post a harsh truth that the other party does not wish to hear and so the games begin.

 

These types of topics are just too heated to be discussed amongst BS/OW/OM, it's like they are taken out to open the cut so that more alcohol can be poured over it...it's kind of sad really.

[Ripples]

TC, I totally understand and agree with your sentiment that here is not the best place for a BS to be posting too soon after DDay. Although, it IS inevitable. One of the first things I did was Google on affairs and this place came up - all ripe and ready for me to vent! Know what I mean?

 

So, I think we can agree that that's the case, that BS will post here and at times those posts will be filled with anger. The question remains on how deal with those posts for the healthiest outcome - for you the OW - as this forum is designed for your support.

 

I've given some of my thoughts on the subject, maybe it's just best to hit the ignore button and not get into a discussion that is doing no one any good? Is that too hard? (I'm not asking that in any other tone but an inquiring one). Maybe any poster that is obviously posting for any other reason than wanting to understand or wanting to support needs to be reported?

 

How do you see the best way to handle it?

[Lizzie60]

you are a very bitter bitter person that basically just trolls the forums attacking and insulting people. you contribute nothing. i usually don't even bother to read your posts anymore. there is no reason.

 

I won't bother anymore either.... to waste my 'precious' time reading his snide remarks. How sad to be soooo bitter.

[Tomcat33]

What exactly made you change your mind?

 

Free will.

[Lizzie60]

TF, TC, it's pretty damn hard to feel anything but animosity towards OW as a BS, you know. Even when things are going well at home, maybe even as a result of things going well - because it heightens the awareness of what could have been lost, the desire to make an OW understand the anguish one is going through as a BS is pretty hard to resist.

 

This is an open forum, obviously. Affairs are a highly emotive and contentious issue, obviously. Put the two together and I'm surprised there isn't more OW bashing, to be honest

 

Now, I'm not saying it's a healthy or constructive thing to do for the OW (although I can imagine it being very satisfying for the BS, having been one ) and, in a couple of cases, it's downright disgusting the things some BS have said and/or the way it's been said (thanks NearlyThere ), but it has to be expected. Maybe the best you can do, as an OW, is treat the BS with the compassion, understanding they really deserve, and listen to the underlying messages that they are giving - if I ranted and raved at you, my message would have been "This pain is so, so bad and I am so frightened, please, please, please don't do this".

 

I believe, rightly or wrongly, that there are only two emotions - fear and contentment. Any other emotions are born out of these two. I believe that anger is born out of fear. I find it a lot easier to deal with anger when I understand where it's coming from, you know?

 

Of course, there are people who make me think there are exceptions to the rule But they can just be ignored as they soon run out of credibility.

 

Anyway, back to your regular schedule!

 

pretty damn hard to feel anything but animosity towards OW as a BS

 

I totally agree with that....

 

This is an open forum, obviously...

 

Yes I agree but this is also an open forum for the OW to share their stories, good or bad. Why, if it is sooooo hard and painful for the BS to hang around this forum...there are many others they can go to... if they don't want to read about it..well I think they're not in the right place.

 

in a couple of cases, it's downright disgusting the things some BS have said and/or the way it's been said ...but it has to be expected.

 

So it could be expected that the OW could be just as disgusting.

 

Maybe the best you can do, as an OW, is treat the BS with the compassion...

 

I haven't read many posts from OW being nasty and downright mean to the BS... but I've seen a lot of BS bashing OW/OM... plus I feel this is an open forum (especially this one) for OW and OM to share their stories (good and bad)... so I don't see why we should keep in mind that the BS are reading. They DON'T have to.

[Ripples]

Lizzie, I'm afraid you are one of the OW I consider this forum to not be for. You are, apparently, happy with your status as OW to lots of MM and, apparently, see no wrong in it. As such, I feel that any post advocating an understanding between OW and BS, as mine was, will not be received well by you, therefore there is no point in me continuing to explain to you my thoughts on the subject.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie, I'm afraid you are one of the OW I consider this forum to not be for. You are, apparently, happy with your status as OW to lots of MM and, apparently, see no wrong in it. As such, I feel that any post advocating an understanding between OW and BS, as mine was, will not be received well by you, therefore there is no point in me continuing to explain to you my thoughts on the subject.

 

At least we can agree to disagree.

[Tomcat33]

TC, I totally understand and agree with your sentiment that here is not the best place for a BS to be posting too soon after DDay. Although, it IS inevitable. One of the first things I did was Google on affairs and this place came up - all ripe and ready for me to vent! Know what I mean?

 

So, I think we can agree that that's the case, that BS will post here and at times those posts will be filled with anger. The question remains on how deal with those posts for the healthiest outcome - for you the OW - as this forum is designed for your support.

 

I've given some of my thoughts on the subject, maybe it's just best to hit the ignore button and not get into a discussion that is doing no one any good? Is that too hard? (I'm not asking that in any other tone but an inquiring one). Maybe any poster that is obviously posting for any other reason than wanting to understand or wanting to support needs to be reported?

 

How do you see the best way to handle it?

 

 

I know what you mean I agree with the ignore feature. I've put it into practice and it works marvelously!

 

At the height of my situation I ended up here by googling the exact same word (correction not same word it was OW not A). I was so amazed that there was actually a place for people to turn to who were feeling all sorts of mixed emotions being in an A. I was shocked to see the amount of people that had some sort of involvement with As. I dont lead a sheltered life at ALL have travelled quite a bit, seen different cultures have lived in different countries, have had many life experiences and yet nothing prepares you for the roller coaster ride of an A. AND I had no idea it was such a common thing. I really was somewhat naive to the whole thing. So after a while of being here and reading a lot of the stuff that gets posted here it started to affect my self esteem, I mean I came here for support and to find answers on how to cope with my emotions and found myself feeling even crappier about myself and I can honestly attribute that to some BS's who come here for that very intent.

 

One day and as I was progressing in muy own emotional state, I just decided to look beyond what was being posted I decided to detach myself from their comments and it was at that point that I saw everything you posted earlier, the pain the fear the everything and so at that point I was able to laugh off a lot of the ridiculous things that are said. Mind you, when I first came here I was in a state and a half so emotionally speaking I was a completely different person, but now I am me again I have all my energy back and I can see things much clearer.

 

For a lot of people who turn here in fragile states I am sure the same thing happens to them, and it's just a shame that it appears that BS come here to prey on OW/OM because they know that they can do so at a time where they can benefit from the attack most, when people are already down. There is something really twisted about that and in actuality we are still strangers who realistically have NOTHING to do with each other's particular cases.

And the excuse that "google" sends us here is really no excuse to go play into the twisted game. But I can see how it would be tempting to do so.

 

What do I suggest? I suggest that some of the topics that are posted here which would be controversial between OW/OM and BSs be posted on the infidelity forum as opposed to in this one. Because that is more of a general forum for all sides of the equation and anyone can pipe in, it's par for the course what happens there and I think the environment leds itself more for debate. I also thing maybe LS would benefit from starting a suppor forum for BSs not sure if that exists here? I think this side should be reserved for support and sharing of experiences in a non-agressive way because I tend to pipe in every so many days for something worth while reading and it seems that a lot of the threads that start out with a good intent degenerate into insulting crap that helps neither side of the fence.

And other threads that start off with a good topic is done by posters that you just know are doing it to bait others.

[hardcase]

I won't bother anymore either.... to waste my 'precious' time reading his snide remarks. How sad to be soooo bitter.

 

LOL...and this is coming from someone who has announced to this forum that you like sleeping with other women's husbands?

 

Am I missing something? You tell everyone in this forum that you like being with married men, and then think that someone doesn't have the right to be angry with people like you?

 

You might as well stab someone in the gut with a pitchfork and say..."you shouldn't hate me".