Lessons from an affair

[movinon05]

LOL...and this is coming from someone who has announced to this forum that you like sleeping with other women's husbands?

 

Am I missing something? You tell everyone in this forum that you like being with married men, and then think that someone doesn't have the right to be angry with people like you?

 

You might as well stab someone in the gut with a pitchfork and say..."you shouldn't hate me".

 

Ya know, HC. I hold no ill will for Lizzie, but you make a very good point. I still hope you get past your bitterness in your own life though.

[annabelle75]

Lizzie, I'm afraid you are one of the OW I consider this forum to not be for. You are, apparently, happy with your status as OW to lots of MM and, apparently, see no wrong in it. As such, I feel that any post advocating an understanding between OW and BS, as mine was, will not be received well by you, therefore there is no point in me continuing to explain to you my thoughts on the subject.

 

This is where I disagree with you. Many well meaning BS that post here seem to think the purpose of this forum is to counsel OM/OW out of there realtionships. It isn't. This is a place for them to discuss their relationships. Although we may not agree with what they are doing, this this is THEIR forum. This is were they should be free to say what they are feeling and dealing with.

 

Even though we may not disagree with how Lizzie lives her life, this is her turf and we should respect that. You don't have to respect her, but the minute you open the OW/OM forum we are simply visitors in their world.

[movinon05]

You don't have to respect her, but the minute you open the OW/OM forum we are simply visitors in their world.

 

Wow! If you sit and think about that for a minute, that is really profound!

[herenow]

I had no intention of starting anything between BW and OW when I wrote this thread. As a matter of fact, I was looking for common ground. I was asking OW what they learned from the experience, hoping that like me, there was a silver lining.

 

My H's affair was the most painful thing I had ever experienced, but, like I said, after the pain subsided, I turned out a happier person. I had the chance to make it right and I'm thankful for that.

 

I'm in a good place and I have no desire to bring anymore negativity into my life. Sorry if my intentions were misunderstood and thanks again to those who actually answered the question.

[Tomcat33]

This is where I disagree with you. Many well meaning BS that post here seem to think the purpose of this forum is to counsel OM/OW out of there realtionships. It isn't. This is a place for them to discuss their relationships. Although we may not agree with what they are doing, this this is THEIR forum. This is were they should be free to say what they are feeling and dealing with.

 

Even though we may not disagree with how Lizzie lives her life, this is her turf and we should respect that. You don't have to respect her, but the minute you open the OW/OM forum we are simply visitors in their world.

 

SO SO TRUE Anabelle, well said!!!!! I really liked that last line too, (the bolded one) it's such an excellent point!

 

It's like going to your local theatre to watch an actor on stage that you just don't care for, you bought the ticket you sat front row just so that you could heckle the show the whole time you are there or until security has you thrown out of the theatre. Why even go to that show if you know you are going to hate every minute of it? You can go and hate the acting the entire time you are there but respect that he is doing his thing and you are there on your free will no one asked you to subject yourself to that.

 

It really bugs me too when I see all the posts harping on and on about what's right and wrong. OK we GET IT we know affairs are wrong, we know innocent people get hurt we know we should consider many many factors but when you are knee deep in it none of that matters. It's like trying to tell a crack addict, don't you realise the harm you are doing to your family? And the crack addict looks at you with eyes glazing over thinking man I'm totally coming down and have nothing left and need to get a hold of my dealer for my next hit. It's just such a waste of time. As if some stranger on the internet is going to hit home with the OW/OM by saying "what you are doing is wrong. AND contrary to what a lot of people might want to believe the OW/OM already knows all that, they are already batteling inside with the heavy remorse of right vs wrong. THEY KNOW.

If anything THAT is usually what kills the A, the fact that the conscience won't let the person stay and enjoy the A for what it is. So it really is wasted energy to even try to point that out.

 

 

That's why I think that people who are inclined to post the wrong vs right comments really serve no purpose other than to frustrate the poster who is not looking for their "advice" and they frustrate themselves because their cries out for help fall on VERY deaf ears.

[movinon05]

Very well said, Tomcat. Annabelle put it in one sentence, but you spelled it out (for those who have never been there).

[Ruby Tuesday]

If you want to claim a "territory" for yourselves thats fine, but saying that kinda makes you a hypocrite if you are moving in on somebody elses territory. i.e. the marriage of the BW/WS, doesnt it?

 

[OpenBook]

What I've learned - vicariously, thru this wonderful site - about A's:

 

1. The typical scenario that starts the A is that the MM is looking for something that he's not getting at home. And that is usually validation and appreciation from his SO.

 

2. What the MM REALLY wants is his wife back - THE GIRL HE FELL IN LOVE WITH and committed his life to. What a precious gift that is. Where is she??

 

3. The OW is constantly on the edge, never really knowing where she stands. It's an awful rollercoaster.

 

4. The BS directs an enormous amount of anger and blame toward the OW, who is an easy target. Way easier than dealing with her H.

 

5. We are all human.

 

6. We don't treat each other very well.

 

7. I am constantly in awe of the human capacity for hope. In spite of all the painful betrayal, the self-doubt, the indescribable sadness, the white-hot anger -- the H sees hope in the OW's adoring eyes. AND/OR he hangs in there with the marriage, even if it's miserable, FOR YEARS - hoping his W will come back around. The OW seeks closure and healing for an A that's over; or she waits patiently for things to start going her way, and in the meantime loves him unconditionally. The BS finally bucks up, starts working her way through the painful aftermath, and begins the good fight to save her marriage.

 

---

 

That's just my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth.

[Ruby Tuesday]

"Not getting any at home." Well theres another trigger word right there.

 

Of course, the OW is so willing to help get a MM off at night, but then, so would a dishrag. Which is really all a cheating man deserves, because chances are BWs tired of his raggedy ass too for treating her like a dishrag for years.

 

The OW get all the compliments and attention. Maybe their sexual outlook would improve if they werent trying to give their wife the dirty dick most of the time. Sorry to sound bitter and ungreatful but it's true. MM just mirror their own inadequacies at home.

[Tomcat33]

I agree with your entire post Opnebook, very well said!

 

If you want to claim a "territory" for yourselves thats fine, but saying that kinda makes you a hypocrite if you are moving in on somebody elses territory. i.e. the marriage of the BW/WS, doesnt it?

 

 

 

I knew it I just knew someone sooner or later would draw that parallel. My answer to that would be that as much as that might make sense in a tit-for-tat way of looking at things, what value is there in perpetuating vengeful words in the hopes to inflict further pain in someone who is already feeling enough pain as it is? If you want revenge so bad just focus on the selfinflicted pain and OP feels after the break-up, and you will have great pleasure in knowing that in a lot of cases and A can affect an scar someone deeply for life. Especially those people for whom the A was completey out of character.

 

You've just proven my point that the only reason some BS come on here is to kick those that are feeling lower than low while they are down. And considering these are the very same people who profess "how could you do that to someone else how could you inflict so much pain onto another person" then they should take a long hard look at their own actions before they go and ask the same hypocirtical thing that is being asked of them not to do.

 

You know and there are varying degress of malice withing A situations there are those people who enjoy being with married people who are happily married and there are people who are lied to and mislead into thinking that a marriage is over when in fact it's not like that at all. Afterall love is risk but loving someone who is not 100% available is like winning the lottery the odds are 1 to a million but someone has to be that lucky "winner" and so often affairs are based on a lot of hope, a lot of misderected trust for someone that just is not worthy of trust, but much like the lottery sometimes people do get the jackpot.

Of course this is the way of thinking going into it, after the A having the cheater literally throw the OW/OM under the bus with little to no explanation, then they go back to the marriage and the cheater persists on wanting contact after D-day knowing this is the person they would have ended up with a wishy washy liar with no backbone who cannot be trusted, is hardly "winning the lottery"someone like that is no jackpot. But it all depends no how you want to see it.

 

There is logic to that way of thinking, I always said if the guy I am with decides to go back to his marriage I will NEVER put up a fight because then all the things he said were wrong with the marraige that at the time were irreperable really were just lies, if he could go back in his word so easily then he was full of lies all along. It's not about HER getting him back or not it's about HIM being who he portrayed himself and his situation out to be. Then I fell in love with the idea of who he was and not at all who he was. So it's not being a hypocrite it's taking a leap of faith in a situation where all the odds were against me but for a while his actions and words were very convincing so you allow yourself to break the rules for this one particular person. When you later find out the truth as much as it hurts it's a blessing in disguise.

[Tomcat33]

"Not getting any at home." Well theres another trigger word right there.

 

Of course, the OW is so willing to help get a MM off at night, but then, so would a dishrag. Which is really all a cheating man deserves, because chances are BWs tired of his raggedy ass too for treating her like a dishrag for years.

 

The OW get all the compliments and attention. Maybe their sexual outlook would improve if they werent trying to give their wife the dirty dick most of the time. Sorry to sound bitter and ungreatful but it's true. MM just mirror their own inadequacies at home.

 

You see why do you have to be so damn insulting? First of all it's your interpretation that what he is not getting at home is sex. MORE often than not it is HARDLY about sex, yes the sex is great because it's charged and new and exctiting and the chemistry is very strong but the sex only comes with the territory. What he is not getting at home often falls under the very simple fact that he is no longer admired for his good qualilities and constantly reprimanded for his bad ones. Maybe he is simply neglected and is not awwed after anymore. It's actually in many cases the emotional needs that are not being met.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Well if you take it that way then it shows just how insecure you are about your affair. Theres no guarantee you will get the happy ending for all the things you have done to get there. Generally speaking of course, not you as in you personally, TC.

 

Of course a healthy well adjusted man would stand by his wife, an insecure MM with many unresolved mental problems will always waffle and hide, even after he goes back home to the horrible marriage he claimed had haunted him for so many years.

 

Whats left areall the lies and the sorting them out. It still irks me to this day the horrible lies he told his OW about me to conjure up a witch in me to get her to go to bed with him. Thats sick, TC. Really sick!

 

He was/is one really sick bastard.

 

His OW is responsible for her own self pitying nonsense too and for being his nannygoat when she should have looked for reason and common sense. We were married for decades. She had motives of her own, and no one knows anymore what motivates her to keep up the attack.

[Tomcat33]

Well if you take it that way then it shows just how insecure you are about your affair. Theres no guarantee you will get the happy ending for all the things you have done to get there. Generally speaking of course, not you as in you personally, TC.

 

Of course a healthy well adjusted man would stand by his wife, an insecure MM with many unresolved mental problems will always waffle and hide, even after he goes back home to the horrible marriage he claimed had haunted him for so many years.

 

Whats left areall the lies and the sorting them out. It still irks me to this day the horrible lies he told his OW about me to conjure up a witch in me to get her to go to bed with him. Thats sick, TC. Really sick!

 

He was/is one really sick bastard.

 

His OW is responsible for her own self pitying nonsense too and for being his nannygoat when she should have looked for reason and common sense. We were married for decades. She had motives of her own, and no one knows anymore what motivates her to keep up the attack.

 

I don't get the bolded part please explain.

 

Are you still with the "really sick bastard"?

 

And yeah about the reason and common sense comment, hinesight is a great thing if only it would happen during rather than after. Point being sometimes you have to go through all the crap to get to the other side, and learn that no matter what if you have to compromise your core beliefs to be with someone romatically, it's just not worth it.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Im not trying to be insulting, that was just in general.

 

In my opinion, I think "not getting any at home" is pretty damn insulting (if not convinient) and I'll use my own story as an example so no one gets too easily offended.

 

He was getting it at home, all the time, it was perfect sex every time... and considering I was pregnant when he did this to me (and had another very young 3 and 4 year old to show for it) should have been a big clue for the OW right there. She had been in my home and I babysat her kids, but I guess I should be sorry now that I didnt advertise our private lovemaking to her that we f*cked all the time and drop more hints she didnt have the priviledge to know.

 

That was between my husband, me and God.

 

He wasnt going to OW's house for her cookies and milk and some small talk. Dont kid yourself.

 

My husband was a messed up guy and he needed to put me down to feel better about himself. It got to be a bad habit. Then one day he found this paticular OW to lend him a sypathetic ear. A broke ass, divorced, drunk lowlife from town with her own adgenda for Mr. Harley Davidson here. She used to comment There's no good men in *our town" but that wasnt my problem. Little did I know that by that time, she already sunk her claws into him.

 

And Ill be damned if I ever slept in her bed, but shes slept in my bed and it didnt occur to her that THAT was wrong either. She felt she was entitled to do whatever she pleased. They werent exactly "talking" in my bed. When they did talk it was exaggerated fakery about how wonderful they were. Oh please.

[Tomcat33]

Excuse me but I believe to have read the following comment:

 

1. The typical scenario that starts the A is that the MM is looking for something that he's not getting at home. And that is usually validation and appreciation from his SO.

 

The idea that you read that to say "not getting any at home" as and to go off the deepend about the sex thing, just shows how predisposed you are to be on the offensive. Please take a step back and re-read what was posted and see if you can find another intepretation in what Openbook said. I don't see what was so insulting about that comment!?!

Clearly people who stray are looking for something other or more than what they are getting at home, if they felt pretty much fulfilled they would not stray.

 

And that's not to say your case was not about sex, by the sounds of it it strictly was. That's not the case with most the situations here on LS. At least it does not appear to be that way. I can understand your frustration and you are entitled to feel what you do towards the OW in your case, but leave the paint brush at home, this place is filled with varying situations of As that are not like your situation at all.

[Ruby Tuesday]

"if they felt pretty much fulfilled they would not stray."

 

Thats not the flaw of the BS, but the flaw within the WS about themselves. They dont have healthy self esteem so they blame others for their problems.

 

"not getting any at home" "I don't see what was so insulting about that comment!?!"

 

No you wouldnt and you probably never will.

[Melovator]

and it's just a shame that it appears that BS come here to prey on OW/OM because they know that they can do so at a time where they can benefit from the attack most, when people are already down.

 

I'm not here to prey, I googled here like most others, and I read the posts trying to understand. I don't hate the OW in my life (or am I the OW now? I have posted about this but am not sure when mental clarity will come) I actaully feel sorry for her because I know she's had a lot of stuff happening in her own life other than this. I came here beause I don't want to hate the OW, beacuse why invest so much energy in another person when you are not going to get an emotional return?

 

I know people choose to affairs but that doesn't always mean that they ever intended it to happen in the first place or that they don't feel like a piece of c**p about it or that they are a bad person. OW/OM are people not objects- not that I'll march in a pride march or anything about it. The fact that you ahd an affair shouldn't define you as a person. WE all do stupid and self destructive things at some point in our life because we are all human and fallible.

 

This forum shouldn't be used as an opportunity to fan your own flames of hate- its unhealthy, gives you the bad wrinkles instead of the good ones and will probably give you a heart attack or a stroke eventually. IF BS post here it should be an opportunity for them to practice Loving Kindness to OW/OM so that they can heal themselves even if they can't do it to their OW/OM (and it would be unrealistic to expect that).

[annabelle75]

This wil be my last post on LS .... unless I get an apology. I came home tonight to discover a wanring in my pm box from TONY reprimanding me for calling hardcase "bitter."

 

I am now understanding why this forum is such a hostile place for the OM/OW. It seems the moderators not only ignore it, they encourage it. I guess this is what I get for trying to be understanding.

 

bye