The Villain's Version

[Divino]

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Before you read on, I warn you, this might be lengthy but there is more than enough reason as to the “why” of the length. You see, I cannot tell my story without the details, but I assure you that this sob story about my relationship is a little different than most, although the fundamentals will remain the same. I’ve given you fair warning to go ahead and get a cup of coffee, tea, or whatever your liquid pleasure may be, in order to continue with my tale of repentance.

 

You see, in the year 2002, I worked at a supermarket, and at that part-time job, I met the woman who has now become the woman of my dreams. The sad part is that I only come to realize it now, in the year 2007. We worked too much together and were fatefully attracted to each other as well. An innocent invite to go out with friends turned into a long, fruitful, and yet tumultuous relationship.

 

We dated for a few months, but nothing too serious because I wasn’t that invested in her. Instead, at the time I was also talking to a high school crush that was finally ready to go out with me. I decided to make a choice and to keep my supermarket relationship as just a friendship and to pursue my crush of yester-year. That relationship was ill-fated as are all relationships based on worship from a distance can possibly be.

 

Yet during that time, my supermarket girl was there for me, giving me sound advice on how to fix such a horrible relationship. We’d go out, enjoy our time together and I realized that I had made my first mistake.

 

First mistake, you say? You’ll see, because in this story, I am the villain and she is the victim. From my country, there are many sayings and particularly there is one when it comes to three mistakes. Basically, you will apply the general rule of baseball when it comes to strikes and that’s your grounds of a relationship. In this case, three mistakes are the equivalent of three strikes, and I was at bat ever since 2002. I decided to come back to my co-worker and we went out, and eventually turned into a steady and healthy relationship. Yet, our conditions were awkward. She had two jobs and I had a night job as a bartender. We could only see each other two or three times a week. Our time was more than quality time. We made the best of it and enjoyed every moment of it.

 

I fast forward to the end of 2005, because I’m sure you all want to be spared of the details. Throughout the years, I had developed an attitude with her, where I could show her that I loved her, but I never really showed it. I’d do random acts of love, romantic love, but only once every two to three months. I never was consistent with her because I built an emotional wall around my heart, and never really let her in.

 

Yet, I took the bold move of asking if we could move in together at the beginning of 2006. I thought I was ready, she thought I wasn’t. I quit my job as a bartender to work at a more steady and professional workplace. She quit one job because she had gained a full-time position. We now lived together and had more time to spend with each other.

 

At first, everything was incredible, because it was a new experience, but as 2006 wore on, I became irritated. For 4 years, I had seen this woman on and off during the week and now I felt like I had been forced to see her all the time. I sought out refuge through internet games and through a new co-worker at my new job. She had been going through some rough times and well, we were comforting each other’s pains. Now, before you jump to any conclusions, I will say that nothing serious ever happened, like intercourse or being caught… but, one kiss did occur and it was enough to drive me towards the brink of insanity. I couldn’t deal with the fact that I had “cheated” and caved in eventually.

 

I told my girlfriend the details and how sorry I was, and she ultimately forgave me because she knew that I was truly sorry and that we’d work on the relationship so nothing like that would ever happen again. From that moment on, I knew I’d never try to involve another woman in my life again. That was my second mistake.

 

Still, on the horizon was the fact that I’ve always wanted to move to the US, you know, the whole “American dream” thing. Yet, I saw that my girlfriend had no plans of progressing in her own life and could care less whether she finished or not or even kept her current job. I knew she could do much better but I was getting tired of waiting. I started planning to move to California, because I know people there, in June of 2007, and she was well aware of it and knew what it might mean for our relationship. My barriers started thickening and I started to believe that my leaving would involve our breaking up. I couldn’t equate the fact that California meant not being with her. I gave her every “logical” reason as to why we couldn’t be together, and on one night, we decided we’d no longer live together because of it.

 

I will clarify that for months, she insisted that we try it out, that I move and then decide there on out, but I kept saying NO, because I felt I was taking the best decision for HER. Our ways parted and I came to live with my grandmother while she went off to her own apartment. The first two weeks I felt free, even though she tried multiple times to get me to visit her or go out with her. I thought I had made the right decision.

 

Until the third week, and therein lies my third mistake. I started realizing that me moving meant nothing if it wasn’t with her, that in my life, she was special and unique and that I’d never meet anyone like her ever again. She was the best thing to ever happen to me and she put up with her fair share of crap from me. Granted, I never lifted a hand towards her face, much less did we ever really argue, but now that I think of it, I almost abused of her emotionally. I never really told her how I really felt and it always had felt like she had carried the weight of the relationship. I was sorry for what I had done but I didn’t know how to tell her. Yet, we were still friends and still talked, oblivious to my feelings, as always. We made a sports bet, which I lost, and we went to dinner. We talked about us, but still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her how I felt. We went back to her apartment and things progressed into a night of blissful sex. I thought there was a chance.

 

Days later, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I actually left my work to tell her how I felt. I told her everything. I told her how sorry I was, and how much I had messed up and I was apologizing for every single micro-detail of our relationship that I had known I had been wrong in. Essentially, she told me to give her time and to be patient. I didn’t understand at first. I thought she loved me so much that she would take me back right there and then. How could this be happening to me when she had forgiven far worse? Three mistakes. Three strikes.

 

Three days passed and we finally talked and saw each other. She told me EVERYTHING that was bottled up for 4 to 5 years. I had to sit there and take it, and agree. I knew I had been wrong, and I’d say so for the rest of my life it meant getting her back into my life permanently. We agreed to keep seeing each other, but she said she needed time to make a decision on whether she wants to get back with me or not… or to stay just friends.

 

Right now, I am in the process of trying to prove to her that I am a different man, but yet, every attempt at demonstrating to her that I am a different person, has pretty much “failed”. She no longer smiles at me the same, even though she hugs me. She no longer treats me the same, even though she’s concerned when I’ve had a bad day. And there is one more incident. You see, we had an argument the other night and I got upset. I told her that she wasn’t giving me a fair chance at trying to repair us and she agreed, somewhat. She said she’d try, and one hour later, she kissed me. I was completely stunned as I kept hearing her tell me to forgive her for doing that. My response: I kissed her back.

 

We said our goodbyes and the following day we saw each other. At the end of the night, I kissed her first this time, but there was no reaction from her. Once she had seen my reaction, she pulled me and kissed me. Yet, something wasn’t right. I came back home and sat and thought and thought. I called her, apparently she had some things to get off of her chest. She didn’t want me to think that the kisses had meant anything, that she hasn’t made a decision yet on what she wants to do.

 

Days keep going by and we talk on the phone and we’ve seen each other. Almost three to four weeks have gone by now, and I’m afraid that the new “me” is actually pushing her away. You see, I never used to call her, nor visit her at work randomly nor send her text messages. Now I do, but I’m afraid that it’s a little too much for her to handle. She says it’s getting hard to get used to the new me because it’s so different from how it used to be. I’m trying to understand her point of view. It can’t be easy after so many years to see a changed person and actually believe it’ll last anything longer than a month.

 

The unfortunate thing of all of this is that I do love her, and I can truly say right now that I am in love with her and given the chance, I want to marry this woman and have her kids. I have zero doubts about this, but I fear it might be too late. I have a vacation trip coming up in two weeks, which will take me away for one week. I’m afraid that time apart will hurt my chances, given the fact that weeks ago she had told me she was “seeing” someone.

 

I’m hurting here now. I’m hurting because I messed it up and I’m not sure it can be fixed. I’m hurting because I turned someone who was wonderful into a shell of her former self. Even now I can see her battling with two personalities. One wants to be with me and believe everything I say while the other wants to hold out for as long as she possibly can just to see if this is genuine.

 

I’m really sorry I put her through this and that it took so long for me to realize the kind of person she is. I’m just not sure she’s gonna forgive me this time and move on with me. At first, I thought she could only be happy with me, but now, I just hope she’ll be happy with whoever she might end up with.

 

Tonight, she’s going with me to my father’s birthday dinner. I get the feeling, though, that she’s only going because my family absolutely loves her and asked her to go. Otherwise, I’m really not so sure she’d actually want to go with me. It’s just things I feel and the vibes I get from her sometimes. I’m trying to give her the time she needs, although I really can’t say I’m honestly being patient. I roll over in bed at nights just thinking of the possibility that she might decide to not be with me.

 

I love this woman so much, and I want her back, but I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. Three mistakes, three strikes. But I still haven’t given up on her, nor am I giving up on me. The battle is far from over.

 

Will she take me back though?

[Divino]

Well, apparently my OP was too much and too long for everyone to swallow.

 

So I apologize for the length, but I really wish SOMEONE had an opinion out there specially after all the heartfelt advice I've read in other threads.

 

Personally, we went to dinner with my family last night and she seemed to have a good time, but might have seemed a little uncomfortable because of the situation. I pretty much decided I'll go NC throughout today, tomorrow and Sunday to see if she even sends me a text message.

 

My sister had told me that she's just trying to digest every piece of information that's been going on and that she really needs more than just one day away from me. I'm committed to giving her the weekend off from me, but my sis made sure that I should have flowers sent to her work on Monday, as if to remind her that I'm still thinking about her even though we haven't talked.

 

I seriously don't know if she'll even try to contact me this weekend and I'd rather not hope or wish for anything. Maybe I'll see what happens after Monday.

[McFadden]

I have read your post and I didn't think it was too long, sorry I don't really have an elaborate opinion about it. I think you are making the right decision to give her space, theres really nothing else you can do at this point. I guess you should send her flowers but I wouldn't start a conversation until she initiates. If she gets back together with you I hope you really have changed permenantly and won't go back to feeling the other way once the relationship is secure again. Well hope some other people have more experienced advice.

[Divino]

Well, she broke NC today.

She called me to see what I was doing ever since not talking on Thursday. I was hoping, secretly, that she'd call at least today or send a text message. We talked for a while and said she owed me at least dinner.

 

I do get the remote feeling that it's almost done for though. We'll see what happens when she gets my roses tomorrow at work. I am beginning to realize that maybe I should start to move on with my life and if she wants to join in, then fine, but I can't put my life on hold for her.

 

Time will tell.

[pricillia]

Divion... you say three strikes and your out.. well there is always a new game.

 

People change and grown together or apart and then sometimes back together again.

 

You mentioned that she was seeing someone else?

[norajane]

And what about your plans to move to California. Might that be playing into her hesitations?

 

You have to understand that she's built up a lot of resentment toward you over the years, a lot of little hurts...all stuff she probably repressed in order to stay with you. Now that all this has come up, all of those pent-up emotions are probably coming out and making her emotions a roller-coaster.

 

Give her space. Stop hovering over her with texts and calls and whatnot. Let her think. If she wants to talk to you, she'll call you, as she did today.

[Divino]

norajane, I actually read dozens of threads here over the week and that's why I decided to go NC mode ever since Thursday.

 

I just didn't call her at all and let things flow. I did look at my phone ten million times but fought the temptation to do so. She did call me today and as I said earlier, we talked.

 

Right as I posted up my earlier message, she called me again saying she wanted ice cream. I wasn't sure if that was an invitation to go so I responded: OK. She said that wasn't the response she wanted to hear, so I said: Okay, well, I'll go pick you up then and we can go get some.

 

She said: No, that won't work, just come out of your house, I'm already here.

 

I jumped into some clothes and casually walked out and we got some ice cream and talked. She went out with her friends and went to the beach. It kinda stung me because I wish I could have gone but I told her that I thought it was great she had done all that and told her about my weekend. She asked for a hug and I gave it to her and she immediately told me that she had missed me since Thursday and we should have dinner sometime this week...

 

I left smiling, because she doesn't even have a clue that tomorrow morning she'll be getting a dozen roses at work.

 

Also, I have postponed my plans for moving, FOR NOW, because I want to see how this plays out. I want her back in my life and to show her that I am a different man. So, for the time being, I am not moving.

[Divino]

pricilla, Sorry I didn't see your post.

 

I think a new game might be just starting. I really hope so. She told me weeks ago that she had dated someone, but everyone I know thinks that it's a "hurt tactic" to see if she could get a rise out of me, which she did.

 

I'm fairly sure she did meet someone and maybe talked, but the seriousness is very little. For one week, we would talk or go out and never did she at all mention having to go out or anything of the sort. I also know a few friends who work at the bars where she hangs out (I used to be a bartender at one) and they usually tell me that they saw her with her best friend but never anyone else.

 

Again, I'm not 100% of whether it is actually true or not, but most people who know us mutually are pretty sure that if she were seeing anyone it's not serious at all.

[norajane]

Also, I have postponed my plans for moving, FOR NOW, because I want to see how this plays out. I want her back in my life and to show her that I am a different man. So, for the time being, I am not moving.

 

And if she comes back to you, what will you do then? Will you still move? Without her?

 

I ask, because she's going to ask. And I'm sure she's wondering about it, if she'd really have much of a future with you if you are determined to move to Cali at some point.

[Divino]

norajane, if we get back together, this time she's coming with me. I am not moving alone nor am I making any other plans without her in my life. I made that mistake once and I am not going to do it again. She finishes her college classes in December and graduates. I am willing to wait til then to take her with me.

 

Her family lives in New Jersey and had always extended a welcome to us to live there and set up over there. I am very willing to welcome that invitation if not, I could try somewhere else, but whatever I would do it would involve her and I'd make sure to make that VERY clear to her.

 

I am 100% commited to this relationship from now on as long as she is going to take me back.

[SadForever]

norajane, if we get back together, this time she's coming with me. I am not moving alone nor am I making any other plans without her in my life. I made that mistake once and I am not going to do it again. She finishes her college classes in December and graduates. I am willing to wait til then to take her with me.

 

Her family lives in New Jersey and had always extended a welcome to us to live there and set up over there. I am very willing to welcome that invitation if not, I could try somewhere else, but whatever I would do it would involve her and I'd make sure to make that VERY clear to her.

 

I am 100% commited to this relationship from now on as long as she is going to take me back.

 

Have you considered the possiblity that she may not have any interest in moving anywhere?

It sounds like it's a big step for her to commit to a serious relationship with you, let alone move to another country with you. They are both big decisions.

[Divino]

Before I broke up with her, we had talked about the possibility of moving up to New Jersey with her family. Even after our relationship parted ways, she told me that after she graduated she'd most probably move with her sister and mother because it was her immediate family and no one else was left over here.

 

But I had heard this from her for the last 3 years and I got tired of waiting. I was so blinded by the thought of leaving that it never occured to me that she was actually graduating in December. All I had to do was wait 6 more months.

 

I jumped the gun and am paying for it. I'm pretty sure she would more than want to leave if we included her family. She had told me that I should have gone to Cali first, check out everything and then bring her along, but I shut her out of my plans which was just plain retarded.

 

That's why I call this the Villain's Version. I did everything wrong and am trying to make it right now.

 

She's taking it slow and steady but she was very excited about getting her dozen roses today at work. As we speak, she's coming over here to pick me up and go out to get something to eat or something...

 

We'll see, I am now taking it one day at a time, and have proven to myself that sometimes NC, even if for three days, can work, no matter how desperate you might get during those days.

[Divino]

I guess I'm beginning to use this as my personal diary.

 

She came over and picked me up. To my surprise when I got into the car, she was in pijamas while I had dressed up a little. She said she wanted something to eat, but she really wasn't dressed for it. So I decided to drive on and on and thought of a great idea. I went to a restaurant and left her at the car. I went in, ordered a few things, left the waiter a tip and came back to the car. She was wondering what the hell I was doing and 15 minutes later, the waiter came to the car with some bags in his hand.

 

"If I can't bring you to the restaurant, I'll bring the restaurant to you."

 

I ordered something she absolutely loved and she seemed blown away by it. She couldn't stop smiling. I'd sent her a dozen roses to her work earlier that day and then this! After we were done, she wanted to hug me, and did, and then we kissed, and kissed, and kissed... I was so happy... until she started crying.

 

She said she was confused and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. That on most days she believes we can get back together but then the next day she thinks I'm going to revert to what I used to be and then she doesn't want to anymore.

 

I drove back and on the way I hold her hand, which made her cry even more, because when we were together, I'd never really kiss her nor hold her hand.

 

I'm trying to prove to her that I've really changed, but she keeps waiting. I completely understand why too, but now I know what's going on. She's gonna keep waiting until I start changing back. Last night it just hit me, she might not make a decision fully expecting that at some point in time, I'll turn back into the old me, proving her right. My problem is that if she doesn't make a decision in some time and keeps waiting for me to mess up, by then, I'll be tired of trying so much and just give up and be ready to move on...

[norajane]

I'm trying to prove to her that I've really changed, but she keeps waiting. I completely understand why too, but now I know what's going on. She's gonna keep waiting until I start changing back. Last night it just hit me, she might not make a decision fully expecting that at some point in time, I'll turn back into the old me, proving her right. My problem is that if she doesn't make a decision in some time and keeps waiting for me to mess up, by then, I'll be tired of trying so much and just give up and be ready to move on...

 

She waited 5 years for you to figure it out. Maybe showing her that you have patience will also show her that you've changed.

[lindya]

The "wooing her back" plan all sounds very romantic - what with the dozen roses, taking the restaurant to her etc.

 

I can't quite put my finger on what it is about all this that rings a little wrong, but I think it's maybe just connected to with the florid descriptions of your own behaviour in this matter. There's a sense of you being primarily in love with the idea of yourself as romantic hero wooing back your "supermarket girl" than you are with the lady herself. Hopefully I'm wrong though.

[InvisibleTouch]

In some ways your girlfriend is fortunate that you have seen the error of your ways but dont underestimate your enlightenment. It takes a certain maturity for abusive people to have the ability to look within themselves and address their issues. However, therein lies your problem. Is this, as others have correctly pointed out, sustainable by you? Sitting here now I would say not but then again I have not had my abusive ex come back and do what you are doing.

 

Your ex has every reason to be extremely apprehensive because for sure you have hurt and damaged her.

 

I think you need to further your enlightenment and understand that if you are convinced that she is the one for you that you must continue to show her for the rest of your dying days that you have changed and that you are serious.

 

NC from you at this stage is utter s***. How dare you do that to her! I understand why you did it but it was manipulative. Of course she was going to contact you, she loves you for gods sake!

 

She wants and deserves your full attention and support. No more games, just love, effection, empathy and patience. Do this and she will grow with you but do not underestimate the implications of your actions now.

[datingmum]

You speak the truth....

[Divino]

InvisibleTouch, I only did NC for three days because she had just had dinner with me and my family after breaking up almost two months ago. She looked like she needed some time to digest the information.

 

Also, I did it because I knew flowers were on their way on Monday.

We talked today and she said she was worried about me because I was calling almost everyday or seeing her every other day and she needed a little more space. I kinda figured this out after Thursday which is why I wanted her to call next. I figured three days would be more than enough time to give her some space and time and then she'd call back.

 

She does love me, but right now she's still struggling with who I am now.

 

And for the above posters, I know now I can sustain this behavior because I'm not only doing it with this part of my life, but with all parts. I've decided to take up sports again and going to the gym. I've actually been having more face time with my family and closest friends. I'm not doing these things so she can see that I have changed for the better, but rather because I was living my life in the wrong for all this time.

 

I know for sure I can keep this up as long as she lets me.

 

I WAS going to wait a few days to talk to her again, as last night seemed somewhat serious and I wanted her to think things through again. It seems like we take one step forward and two steps back. But I shrugged off the thought and called her anyway just to say HI. Tomorrow we're going out for a casual dinner.

 

BTW, I'm glad you guys are pointing out everything I am doing wrong or did wrong, because it's exactly what I need to remember what was in my past and what I should do with my future. I truly love this woman and I hope there's a future for us, but I'll never let her forget that she's the most special thing in my life, EVER. I told her that everyday I will try to remind her she's unique and the only one for me. The change started through isolation and because of it, I rediscovered what my friends and family mean to me and what she means to me.

 

I'm really sorry that the path to my eventual maturing process had to be this way, but I'm glad it happened because I've found myself and I'm a lot happier with myself for it.