Mixed emotions - I was afraid of this

[Ormolu611]

Well, after three months of near total silence, my ex contacted me to arrange to pick up some of her stuff. When she arrived and I opened the door, she began to grin immediately, as did I. All sense of apprehension totally vanished. Funny that after three months of no contact, we still both still seem to feel that feeling of total comfort with each other. We ended up sitting on the couch talking as I could tell that after she got everything, she did not want to leave. She just sort of lingered by the door, so I asked her if she wanted something to drink.

 

She teared up a couple of times as we talked, telling me that it was emotionally hard for her facing me and talking to me since we had been together for so long. I got the sense that she was lonely. She mentioned that she had been having financial difficulties due to the loss of her job. I wanted to comfort her or offer some support, but I guess that is not my job now - she fired me. I just listened.

 

We talked for about 20 minutes generally about what each of us had been up to before I said that I needed to run. I maintained a pretty calm and detached composure. I was very polite and warm without being emotionally intimate. I listened closely to her as she spoke, and gave only general informaton about myself when she asked about what I have been up to. It is apparent that I have been very busy for the last three months just by looking at my place. I have not been sitting around doing nothing pining for her for the last three months. She seemd impressed and teared up as she noted how nice my place looked.

 

Upon leaving, she embraced me tightly and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I waved her off as she drove away. This after nearly 10 years together. This meeting really tore me up emotionally, because it was everything that I could do to keep my mouth shut and to not say how much I missed her and loved her.

 

She called this morning to get the rest of her stuff (all but one piece that would not fit in either of our cars) but I was not available - we will have to do it next week after her visiting relatives leave town. I left her a message telling her this.

 

After talking with her like that, it is soooo hard to jump back into no contact. I am desperately fighting the urge to pick up the phone. After such a chat with her, in which she was being so open about herself, her feelings, and what she had been up to, I want to arrange a coffee date or something. What, though, would this serve? After all, she never said anything like she missed me or was having second thoughts. I actually had a date after she left, and I could barley concentrate on anything that poor girl said as I was consumed by thoughts of my ex. I just have to be strong and maintain nc unless she expresses a desire to reconcile. . . right?

[NorCalDave]

Man, I have been where you are at. You are getting roped back in. My ex has done this to me repeatedly and I fall for it every time. A friendly conversation leads to feelings and emotions starting to swirl again.

I wouldn't act on anything until she makes a better effort to get back.

You did everything right by being polite, casual and warm, but not too intimate. And your place looked nicer. So, she's definitely impressed.

And those tears? My ex used to tear up too, and you know what that means? She still loves you.

But, she sounds like she is in a vulnerable time of her life and is probably lonely and missing someone who was part of her life for so long.

Now that you've moved on, she wants to see if she can still reel you back in.

I think you should do your best not to contact her, and wait for her to make the move. Especially if she broke up with you. Stay busy.

[Ormolu611]

But, she sounds like she is in a vulnerable time of her life and is probably lonely and missing someone who was part of her life for so long.

 

I think you should do your best not to contact her, and wait for her to make the move. Especially if she broke up with you. Stay busy.

 

I think that you are right about her feeling vulnerable right now. Sensing that, it was hard not to try to support her emotionally and to reach out to her - but I think that would be seen as being manipulative. I did not want to tell her anything like, "I'll always be here for you" because by breaking up with me she was essentially saying that she does not want what I have to offer. Why offer more of it?

 

I always thought that she took me for granted. I was a 120% faithful and loyal partner, and she knew that. I think that maybe people tend to take you for granted when they sense that you are totally dedicated to them and that the chance of them losing you is nil or close to it. There were a few things that I should have called her on that I let slide - I think that she ultimately lost some respect for me. I don't know. Even if I never end up with her again - I want her to respect me, and strict nc is probably the best way to earn some I guess.

 

At any rate - even though it has gotten much harder since yesterday, I will maintain no contact unless she contacts me first. Even then, I think that I should not be available unless she wants to talk reconciliation. The hard thing is that tonight as I type this, I feel more lonely than I have felt in a long time.

[Cherbear]

I think it's more of her loss than yours. Seriously, after the breakup, at least you have every other aspect of your life in order. While she seems to have trouble in everything. To regain her respect, you stay strong. Like she never came over to pick up her stuff. Stay busy like you are never gonna see her again. I think she has realized what she missed but she's probably counting on you making the first move since you seem to be the one taken advantage of in the relationship. For once, let her know you can be dedicated to others or to yourself. Let her come running after you. B/c even if you made the move and you got back together, she is still gonna think you cant live without her b/c she just moved her fingers and you came running after her. You still wouldnt get the respect you deserve. So live your life like she never existed until she broke down and begged you back. Then you'll have your relationship and your dignity.

[NorCalDave]

I think it's more of her loss than yours. Seriously, after the breakup, at least you have every other aspect of your life in order. While she seems to have trouble in everything. To regain her respect, you stay strong. Like she never came over to pick up her stuff. Stay busy like you are never gonna see her again. I think she has realized what she missed but she's probably counting on you making the first move since you seem to be the one taken advantage of in the relationship. For once, let her know you can be dedicated to others or to yourself. Let her come running after you. B/c even if you made the move and you got back together, she is still gonna think you cant live without her b/c she just moved her fingers and you came running after her. You still wouldnt get the respect you deserve. So live your life like she never existed until she broke down and begged you back. Then you'll have your relationship and your dignity.

 

 

Exactly. I need to follow this advice myself. My ex dumped me and she always called the shots and a little snap of her finger and there I was, wrapped around it...We have been on NC for 2 weeks (it feels honestly like 2 months) and I need to continue to show her that I am strong, I am independent, and I don't need her to function. I need her to respect me again if we are ever to reconcile.

And I guess there's just an unwritten rule that if someone fires you, you never initiate conversation with them unless they show an interest in coming back to you.

Be careful if/when you talk to her next, that you don't start reading into things and trying to make something out of nothing.

She might just be lonely and using you for attention or self-esteem boost.

Don't feed into that. Don't be easy.

I did all that, and was available. And where did it get me? She's completely ignoring me now because she probably thinks I am weak, and women are not attracted to weak, they feel sorry for weak.

If a woman is ever to return to someone she dumps, she will only do so if she respects him.

Respect has to be earned.

All this NC time is helping us heal and showing them that we CAN and WILL live without them.

That's how I got my ex back last time. After 7-8 months of NC, she totally respected me when we ran into each other again. And we got back for 5 months or so. But then her issues came up, and once again, she walked.

If she can walk away from me twice, you'd wonder why I would want her back.

But in some sick demented way I want to have one more chance with her in my lifetime. That may not ever happen, but leaving her alone will give me the respect I need from myself and her.

Just act like she never came by, and try and control your emotions by talking about it and getting it out.

[Ormolu611]

Be careful if/when you talk to her next, that you don't start reading into things and trying to make something out of nothing.

She might just be lonely and using you for attention or self-esteem boost.

Don't feed into that. Don't be easy.

 

This is precisely what I am trying to be cautious about. I always used to comfort her when she was having a hard emotional time with anything, and knowing her so well, I was always pretty sucessful at making her feel better. I can't help but think that maybe she was looking for solace out of mere habit. As I said, she mentioned nothing about missing me or anything like that.

 

This is one area in life where I think it actually helps to be pessimistic. It is the persistent and hopeful optimism that messes with your mind. It is the tendency as you said NorCal, to read into things trying to make something out of nothing. That is a trap that I really do not want to fall into.

 

I guess three months of separation really is not all that long when all of the time that we were together is considered. Like I said, when we first saw each other at my front door, smiles and warmth just came out of nowhere from her and me - despite everything. It was almost as if the three months had never happened; we were just immediately comfort with each other as if there had been no separation. This is partly why it was so hard for me to maintain composure, but I pulled it off. I know that at that moment that I opened the door, she was genuinely very happy to see me - she almost glowed as we stood there looking at each other and her smile just sort of broke out of nowhere, immediately disarming me somewhat. But this in and of itself does not mean anything. I know this.

 

Thanks NorCal and Cherbear for the support and some really good advice. I shall maintain no contact.

[NorCalDave]

This is precisely what I am trying to be cautious about. I always used to comfort her when she was having a hard emotional time with anything, and knowing her so well, I was always pretty sucessful at making her feel better. I can't help but think that maybe she was looking for solace out of mere habit. As I said, she mentioned nothing about missing me or anything like that.

 

This is one area in life where I think it actually helps to be pessimistic. It is the persistent and hopeful optimism that messes with your mind. It is the tendency as you said NorCal, to read into things trying to make something out of nothing. That is a trap that I really do not want to fall into.

 

I guess three months of separation really is not all that long when all of the time that we were together is considered. Like I said, when we first saw each other at my front door, smiles and warmth just came out of nowhere from her and me - despite everything. It was almost as if the three months had never happened; we were just immediately comfort with each other as if there had been no separation. This is partly why it was so hard for me to maintain composure, but I pulled it off. I know that at that moment that I opened the door, she was genuinely very happy to see me - she almost glowed as we stood there looking at each other and her smile just sort of broke out of nowhere, immediately disarming me somewhat. But this in and of itself does not mean anything. I know this.

 

Thanks NorCal and Cherbear for the support and some really good advice. I shall maintain no contact.

 

 

My ex and I reconnected like that too. We hadn't seen each other in 7 months and when we looked at each other that first time, HUGE smiles appeared on both our faces, we both just lit up (even though I thought she never wanted to talk to or see me again) and honestly it was like those 7 months had never even passed. We just picked up where we left off 7 months ago. A few friendly dates led to us getting back. BUT!

We never addressed the issues that broke us up in the first place: her issues with the age gap, her codependency still on her ex, her inability and fears to commit.....I assumed that she had gotten healthier but assumption was incorrect.

So, if we reconnect again, I am going to be alot more cautious.

And you should too.

Especially since it seems like your ex isn't in a great place right now.

My ex hates her job (hairstyling) too, and seems to have gripes with alot of her friends/family too...

I used to comfort my ex like that too. I was the shoulder she could cry on. I was the listening ear. I was there whenever she needed me. But she never came up to my door or called me because she simply missed me and wanted to get back with me. It was all about her and getting her needs met. These are signs of an emotionally unavailable person. A commitmentphobe, a narcissist. She is not a bad person, she just has inner turmoil which makes it hard to give to anyone else.

I tried to "love her out of it" as best I could, and I told her I have alot of love to give her. But she sucked it up and then spit me out.

Don't let your ex do that to you either.

Stay strong!