Engaged to the most wonderful man ever...but i miss sex.

[vectorgirl]

When is it time to call it quits on a relationship that's otherwise pretty damn perfect? I adore this guy and we've been engaged and living together since January but I can't deal with the lack of sex. Used to be at least 4 times a week in the beginning, since January it's been maybe 2 or 3 times a month. He's blaming antidepressants but he's been on them since before we started dating.

 

I am absolutely tired of it. He says he wants to fix the bad sex life but I don't know how. We connect well intellectually and emotionally...just not physically anymore. Nothing has changed about me physically since we got together.

[Curmudgeon]

Nothing has changed about me physically since we got together.

 

It's called "proximity." You're together all the time so the newness has worn off.

 

That being said and assuming he's young and otherwise healthy, something's not right. It could well be the antidepressants or there could be another problem. I'd suggest he get a complete physical. Some AD meds store themselves in the liver which then releases them into the rest of the body. Perhaps his dosage is too high or the med is just not the right one for him. It's worth checking into.

 

I suppose it could be that he's just not that "into" you but it doesn't really sound like it from your post.

 

Good luck.

[Enema]

When do you call it quits?

 

After you exhaust every physical reason this could be happening with a doctor and,

After you exhaust every mental reason with a counsellor / sex therapist.

 

Or, if he's not willing to do either of the above to work on the problem.

[hardcase]

When is it time to call it quits on a relationship that's otherwise pretty damn perfect? I adore this guy and we've been engaged and living together since January but I can't deal with the lack of sex. Used to be at least 4 times a week in the beginning, since January it's been maybe 2 or 3 times a month. He's blaming antidepressants but he's been on them since before we started dating.

 

Antidepressants DO decrease libido...some men take them to help with hold off orgasms. So its not an excuse...its a medical fact.

 

And why is he taking antidepressants? Rather than worrying about sex...if you love him...you should maybe see about helping him with his depression.

 

I am absolutely tired of it.

 

Well then hells bells....break it off then....jesus.

[vectorgirl]

We both have history with anxiety and depression and have been on meds since before we got together. He was diagnosed with long-term depression as a teenager (he's 29 now). In the beginning he was on Effexor and I was on Celexa, then he switched to Welbutrin and back to Effexor. I'm on ADD meds now and feeling pretty normal, but the major side effect in me is that I DO have some rage and I feel myself getting angry about this now. I try really hard to not let this blow up because I do believe he's doing the best he can. It's just been hard to NOT take it personal because he's never had this issue with anyone else before.

 

Anyway, I'm sick of it and we talked about it last night and he's setting up counseling for us. Hopefully this will work out. I can't imagine anyone being more perfect for me except for this one issue.

[mockeryjones]

i'd suggest getting his doc to switch his meds. i know that when i was on prozac i went through the same thing. then i switched to wellbutrin and the decreased libido thing went away.

[vectorgirl]

Interestingly, the problem started when he switched to Welbutrin. Welbutrin made me desire sex all the time - to the point of distraction, but he says it killed his drive. I've never heard of that happening with Welbutrin. He switched back to Effexor and says he's starting to feel better. We'll see.

[Bobster999]

Different medicines can affect people totally different. I agree with others---it's probably his medicine and now that he has switched it should be better.

[Jinxx]

I can't comment on the meds because I've never suffered from depression.

 

I will say this though -- 29 is awfully young for man to be disinterested in sex.

 

The both of you need to work this issue out otherwise you are setting yourself up to have an affair.

[tommyr]

Please treat this situation very seriously and get it resolved NOW.. before you go through with marriage. Trust me when I say that sex life will NOT suddenly improve after wedding day.

 

Whatever the issue, you MUST get to a level you are happy with. I do not believe a marriage can survive when one partner is terminally dis-satisfied with the sex life.

[dbtmarley]

I do not know why the Wellbutrin would affect his sex drive. I was on Paxil which affected mine and my doctor specifically switched me to Wellbutrin because it is known not to affect sexual performance.

 

I don't know, but I would look into a little more if I was you.

 

Is he taking anything else besides the Wellbutrin?

[vectorgirl]

On Welbutrin his anxiety (and mine, when I took it, too) was VERY bad and he was really struggling with just keeping everything together. Ironically he blames Effexor for all of this but he was on Effexor when we were first dating and didn't have this problem. *sigh*

 

We're starting therapy next week and I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea if it can even be remotely successful. I'd like it to be, but I'm already so hurt and feeling rejected It that don't know if I can move forward. The past few weeks I think that I can't even think about him sexually anymore because this issue makes me feel like a consolation prize (I also started new medication, so who knows. It could be meds affecting my drive now too).

 

Sunday we talked and I was frank and said my drive isn't really on board lately either, which really worried and upset him. He *has* been trying lately...but honestly having sex once a month just ticks me off more because then he says "but we just had sex like 3 weeks ago!" and it forces me to face that that's just not enough for me.

 

I don't want to be with anyone *else* and I VERY much love him...I just don't know how to fix this or if it's even fixable. I also worry that I will have this problem with anyone I have a long-term relationship with...one of the reasons I even accepted the ring was because I loved him on EVERY level and we had a great sex life. Generally with everyone I date eventually sex tapers off and then I cheat. I don't want to cheat on my fiance. I have no desire to.

[Mr. Lucky]

Generally with everyone I date eventually sex tapers off and then I cheat.

What an interesting statement

 

Mr. Lucky

[vectorgirl]

Yes, I've realized for years now that I have a problem with that. In the past I have not dealt with that well. About 3 years ago I was dying inside with guilt and anxiety over it and got help.

 

Since I've been with my fiance, I have no desire whatsoever to cheat. I don't think I'll ever have that in me again, it's simply not worth the torment. I know people think cheaters never change, but for me, personally, it's simply not worth the guilt, the panic. Not to mention the cost of psych bills and in patient treatment when it feels like your life is falling apart, or the pain it could inflict on your SO should they ever find out. I'm just not going to do it again.

 

I hope this can be resolved.

[Mr. Lucky]

Generally with everyone I date eventually sex tapers off and then I cheat.

Perhaps the part worth addressing in therapy isn't the cheating but rather the reasons behind the diminishing sex life. Based on the little info you've given, your current relationship sounds no different than the others you've described - once you get some degree of comfort, the intimacy goes away. Why is that?

 

Although, based on your description of your BF ("but we just had sex like 3 weeks ago!"), your solution could be as simple as choosing better partners

 

Mr. Lucky

[norajane]

Jeeezus, all those drugs for how many years?? And no therapy - is that what psychiatrists do these days, just give you drugs and send you on your way?

 

I guess you first need to sort out if it really is the drugs, or if he's just not interested in having sex with you. If living together is what has caused the tapering off, then it doesn't bode well for anything changing for the better when you get married. A lifetime of living together isn't going to make him hotter for you than he is now...it's likely to get worse. Maybe there is something about feeling secure that he 'has' you that makes him feel less interested in actually having you.