so messed up, need to sort myself out

[layercakegal]

argh.

 

im in such a mess, and have been for a while.

 

im overweight, unhappy, and feel so alone. i live away at uni, in halls, yet i hide away in my room rather than hang out with my housemates. i hardly ever go out at night drinking, id rather sit in my room with my door locked on my computer, on msn. i eat and sleep and go on my computer - im not joking, thats actually my existance. if i have any problems, like im feeling upset or sad, most times i will ring my mum and talk to her about them. IM 19!!!

 

i love my best friend, truly love him - but im pretty sure he just uses me for when he wants something or theres no-one else. im a last resort. i dont think he even likes me, i dont know what it is. but something isnt right - all my posts have been about him previously on here, and i traveled an hour and spent about £20 just to see him today, im so desperate. he knows ill run to him when he asks me to.

 

i dont know whether i push my friends away, or what it is - but my other best friend of 8 years is distant now, i hardly ever see him anymore. the people i talk to most are on msn.

 

somehow i have a bf, my first proper one ever (again, im 19) - he doesnt know how unhappy i am - we've only been going out a month and a half, less than one week of we have actually spent together, he lives at home so we're in a long distance relationship. i dont want to dump all this on him because its not fair and who wants to go out with someone whos constantly depressed?

 

i dont even know what to do anymore, im at the end of my tether - all i want is my friends and to feel happy.

 

i think the source of it is my best friend who im in love with - i seem to feel fine, then talk to or see him, and then get upset over something he says or does, and come away feeling depressed.

 

i just dont know what to do, i cant be bothered with life anymore, its too much trouble.

[polywog]

Sweetie, you are depressed. You're hard on yourself, but it seems you can't help it, I know what that's like. I assume you posted here on LS because part of you wants a big jump-start, and knows you deserve more out of life. You wouldn't have bothered to put it out here if there wasn't a part of your soul that was ready to move forward. That's a great sign.

 

I find it interesting that one of the first things you posted is that you are "overweight". I recommend a book for you, not a diet "I'm fat" book, but a book about life called "Body Clutter" about ways we hold ourself back, and steps we can take to end that self-defeating way. Look at the reviews on Amazon.com to see what I mean, or go to flylady.com

 

You are longing for your friend because he represents what you deserve, I think, but what you are afraid you can't have. I think that's another sign that you are ready to blossom; whether it's him you end up with, or someone even more deserving. It's about realizing what you want in a partner.

 

There's no reason on earth that you can't move forward, though you may not feel that way now. I see hope in your post, and you'll get lots of support here on LS. It's all about being open (posting shows you are) and taking baby steps.

[layercakegal]

thanks polywog

 

yeah i really am ready to just move forward, im so sick of feeling like this. that book sounds good, ill have a look at it!

 

the strange thing is, i dont think i would want to go out with my friend, even though i love him - because i know what he is like behind his gf's back, with other girls. hes actually not a very nice person i guess.

 

my bf is so sweet, thinks the world of me, that im perfect, etc etc, and i think i just need that right now, some closeness and some love.

 

my friend really spins my head around, it always seems hes using me and makes horrible comments about things (like my bf) but then laughs it off when i mention it. hes never been there for me, and i dunno, hes just a bad influence on my life i guess, but one that its gonna take me a while to be able to let go of.

 

i just wanna get on and be happy, depression isnt fun i guess i have known i was depressed for a while, coz theres a certain point where u dont just feel sad after something bad has happened, its all the time. my attitude is that if something good has happened its either too good to be true or something bad is right around the corner to bring me down again.

 

grrr i blame my friend for this, i just need people to be honest and open, and there for me, and not lie to me and say theyre my friend when theyre not, and just use me when theres no1 else, or when they need me for something.

 

boooooooooo