long and complicated

[wesrjohn]

I got a wink from a girl on a dating site. Upon contacting her, we hit it off great. She was apprehensive about telling me what she did for a living because she said it made some men turn tail and run. Then she said she was a church pastor to which I welcomed because I thought who better could I trust? So when we met things went great. After the meeting the next email I got from her was that she was still hurting from a messy divorce and wasnt quite ready for a relationship.

 

She added that she wanted to see me but asked me to take it slowly and date as friends for now to which I agreed. So with this in mind, I gave her space and was never pushy and was nice and complimentary as to make her feel better and heal. I also let her choose when to see me as not to be clingy or anything like that.

 

I really fell for her but kept it from her and remained patient for her to have the time to know when she was ready for a new relationship. We dated and had wonderful times as friends. Then on a dinner date to my surprise, she stood up and walked over to me and kissed me. And from that point on we kissed and I took that as our relationship elevating from friends to more. Although we never had sex I expected that to happen soon with this change in our dating. And I continued to be a gentleman.

 

After a couple of months things were fine and I started to start acting more like a boyfriend than a friend but still remained patient. Then suddenly she doesnt return a couple of texts and emails. A couple days later I get an IM that says she only wants us to be friends. Im totally surprised as things were great as far as I knew.

 

All the while I trusted her as a pastor, that knew how to treat people right. And after that IM she treated me different, stopped kissing, and had little time for me. She said that this is how she treats her friends. I thought how could she just suddenly do this? She continued to see me but told me I should date others but continued to see me and make me feel like there was something between us.

 

Then one day we are IMing and she says she has a friend she wants to introduce to me. It hurt me inside very much. So after the IM I sent her an email telling her of my love for her that I had kept inside as not to pressure her, she tells me she didnt know but valued that I loved her. Still wanting to be friends.

 

So then I ask her what it was that made her lose interest. And she says that I seemed needy and acted like I couldnt take charge of things like dates and didnt like that. Then I tell her that I was doing as she asked at the beginning. Im not the needy type at all and was just trying to keep her comfortable and let her decide when to see me. I told her how difficult it was for me to act this way but did because I wanted a relationship with her so much that it was worth the sacrifce.

 

I changed my behavior as she asked of me and now acts like thats not what she wanted! IM SO FRUSTRATED! On top of that she agrees to see me but that shes going out of town for the weekend. And I later find out its with a guy! And to a place we had talked about going to!

 

How could she act this way? Im so pissed! I remained patient for 4 months to get this girl and she does all this horrible stuff to me. I keep telling her how can you say these things to me when you dont even know the real me? Im the most take charge guy in the world and dont have a needy bone in my body. And plus all along she is saying how handsome and sweet and thoughtfull I am and how much she feels blessed with our "romantic journey" together.

 

Complimenting me on my manliness and enjoying all the nice things Ive done for her. Ive sent her a lot of emails explaining all this but she responds like she hasnt read them fully. I still love her but am so pissed and amazed with this behavior from a Pastor!!!!!! Finally I wrote and told her that we need an absence from each other. She hasnt responded and neither have I. I love this girl so what the hell are my options??????????

[Javelin]

Hate to say it, but she's has shown her true colors and it's apparent her new friend has been in the picture long before she's mentioned. Hence the reason you're now *allowed* to date other people. In fact, I'm sure the both of your were present from the start, she just never told you about him.

 

To put things more simply, she's chosen him, over you.

 

I'd hate to say, but she would be the female version of a, 'player.' Also her actions speak clearly and she was able to continue the status at friend level, eliminates her conscious, so there's no guilt. You could say she's been leading you on all along while she makes her decision.

 

I know it hurts, but she's not worth your time! I'd suggest disconnecting with her as friends and move on bro. It'll be hard, but take it slowly.

 

Good luck.

[Driver8]

Like you said, she was hurting from a divorce. It's likely she was still in rebound-mode and needed someone, anyone just to be there for her. I've been on both sides of that fence. My last relationship ended very similarly to the way yours did, and I also know what it feels like to rebound.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she meant to hurt you. To press the issue after she has already said she doesn't want to date won't help your situation. From my experience, it only makes things awkward. Even if you think she got the wrong impression or misunderstood, it's unlikely you'll get her to look at the situation the way you do.

 

And remember, pastors are people too. They make the same mistakes the rest of us do. If she doesn't respond to your last email, just use that as an opportunity to end communications with her. It's probably better for you both in the long run. I wish you luck, let us know what happens.

[wesrjohn]

I would like to thank you both for the thoughts and advice. Helped me a lot to clear my head and accept that things were far from right as meeting someone and sharing attraction are far easier and cant be made from nothing. Ive just never had this type of situation with a woman. At first she likes me from our phone convos, then pulls back upon our meeting and wants just friends, then changes her mind and leans toward romance, then friends again and so on. Pretty hard to follow her signals but all in all, if she was using the term "friends" she should have at least considered my feelings and acted like one. So Im moving on. Maybe someday our paths will cross and hopefully her head will be on straight.