When a man really loves a woman...?

[Guest]

Hi everyone,

 

I was on here a year ago when I decided to call it quits with my boyfriend of almost four years. Our relationship seemed like it had hit a wall and even though he told me that he saw me in his future, he didn't want to marry me. For me, marriage is important because I would like to have children someday. I also put a lot of worth in the act of getting married....like its an honor to have a man feel so strongly for a woman in this way. Yeah, I know that marriage doesn't always work out and its kind of outdated, but I still feel strongly about it.

 

Well, I broke up with him after I told him how I felt for two years and he constantly told me he wasn't ready. Three weeks after we broke up and moved into our own places, he called me in tears and proposed. I was floored, but I didn't know if he was serious or not. After a lot of talking, it seemed like he was. So, we set off (or more like I set off) to make plans for the wedding.

 

Exactly a year after we got engaged, when I was going to finalize the wedding site, he broke down and told me that he was no longer ready to get married anymore. He didn't have an answer why. I knew in my heart that it wasn't because he met someone else - but I was confused and heartbroken that we were back at square one again. I was so happy to finally know that he wanted what I wanted.

 

A little more on him - he comes from a broken family where his father cheated on his mother and divorced her. He was also sexually abused at a young age. He has never received professional help for the anxiety and self-destructive behavior he developed because of these events. In our relationship, he tended to go out on weekends and stay out all the time - like all night until 8am. This was because he got so trashed with his friends (most likely from his social anxiety). All of his friends act like they are in college even though they are all 29 years old.

 

Anyway, we would repeatedly get in fights about this and he would constantly promise that he'd be more responsible the next time and call me if he would be out late. This never happened. And, as a result, I began to lose trust in him. Not that I thought that he was cheating on me - he wasn't. I know this because I am also friends with his friends and they were always around him when this occurred.

 

Besides his tendency to continue on with these behaviors, it seemed like he really loves me...but I can't tell for sure anymore and its tearing me up in side. We now live apart and he started to see a therapist which is a huge step - but I don't know if he'll ever change. Most importantly, I don't know if he'll ever want to marry me, even though when I look in his eyes, it seems like he truly loves me.

 

I guess that this is my long winded question to all of you..what does a man do when he wants to be with a woman forever? People tell me that if he 'truly' loved me, he wouldn't repeat the same behavior over and over again because he knows that it hurts me. He wouldn't want to spend all night with his friends every weekend because he would want to be with me. Right now, he never calls me when he's out if I haven't spoken to him all day.

 

At the same time, I saw how much he cried when I told him that we should not live together anymore. I know that he wanted our relationship to work and he takes responsibility for his bad behavior. I know that its going to take some time for the therapy to help him, but I don't know how long to wait. I'm afraid that I'll miss out on a better relationship if he never gets better. I love him and I know he loves me, but how much does he love me? Is this worth it?

 

Ugh. Just writing this out is helping me right now, even if its long and unstructured. My friends are marrying wonderful men who definitely seem like they are in love with them. They have all mellowed out (they still go out occasionally, which is a good thing), didn't have issues with marriage, and speak so wonderfully of their wives. I'd give anything to be with someone like that.