Put into uncomfortable position (living together)...

[Just A Girl2]

Hi all,

 

Brief history here. Have been dating a nice (but clingy) guy for a month now. I'm just finishing school (went back to school to school to specialize in a particular area of my profession..prompted mostly by a previous work related injury) and will be finished mid February, then have a whopping 2 weeks to find a job. This time of year they really don't hire in the area I'm now trained in.....and I'm in a large bit of a panic. Stressed out. Financially, I can't even go a month without a job....I pretty much live paycheck to paycheck. Anyway, from the start of dating this dude, I've shared with him my worries about NOT finding a job. he's been very supportive, which I'm thankful for because many guys would likely be turned off.

 

To reassure me, he told me that if worse came to worse and I didn't find a job immediately, he'd move in with me for a couple of months (while he's waiting to move into his new home that's currently being built/he'll take possession at the end of April)...and help by paying his share for rent, etc. I was very flattered and appreciative of this offer, even THOUGH I made the decision a long time ago that I don't want to ever live with someone again (women always get the short end of the stick in a 'living together' situation, I've found....they become the maid, cook, housekeeper....just no equality and I'm not into that).

 

I've been busting my butt these past couple months, making contacts and sending out resumes and such, trying to get something set up for when I'm done school.

 

I DO NOT want him to live with me.......so even though he's offered to, for a couple of months, to 'help out' til I find a job, I'm determined somehow to find something that pays the bills..so that I can remain living alone (I own my own home).

 

I have an interview this Monday so please keep your fingers crossed.

 

Anyway, this is where it now gets sticky.

 

This guy, we'll call him "Joe".....he's currently renting his sister's basement suite...to help her out financially and so that he can save money (on rent) so that he has more to put as a down payment on his new place (He makes good money).

 

Well, once he gets into his new place and moves out of his sister's place, she's not going to be able to afford to continue renting the house her and her 2 kids currently rent......so she found a great deal on a new place to rent, and she's moving into there March 1st. It does *NOT* have a basement suite or bedroom for him......(place she currently rents has a 4th bedroom for him in the basement)....so he called me up 3 days ago, telling me he had some "good news."

 

His good news was.......as of March 1st, his sister will be moving into this new place, there won't be a bedroom for him there, so he "won't have a place to live til he takes possession of his place at the end of April" and could he LIVE WITH ME for those 2 months.

 

Ugh.

 

Problem Part 1

 

I feel like I can't say "NO" because HE was kind enough to offer before, that if I couldn't find a job right away, he'd HELP ME OUT by moving in for a couple of months and helping me out financially (though we never did discuss just "how much" he'd help out but I assumed he meant he'd pay his "half" of things).

 

How RUDE would it look of me to tell him "NO" now, after he had offered to help ME out. He wants me to help him out because his sister's new place won't really have room for him........how can I say NO to helping HIM out, when he so freely offered to help ME out?

 

Problem Part 2

 

I've lived with guys I've dated in the past.....and how it worked money-wise was that we totally split everything...the rent, the utilities, groceries, cost of things like shampoo, toilet paper, you name it.

 

I ASSUMED that considering he makes very good money (more than I'll be making, more than I make now), and that because he'd be doing ME a favor by moving in here, and ME doing a favor by allowing him a place to live for 2 months, that he'd ALSO be under the impression that he would be splitting the cost of things. Well I get the impression I assumed wrong.

 

He currently pays ONLY $450 a month at his sister's place.....and that includes everything (rent, his share of the utilities, groceries, etc). I got the impression that he thinks that's ALL he'd have to pay here....and fat friggen chance of that, IMO.

 

Based on my mortgage, the cost of utilities here in the winter (high), the high cost of groceries here........his HALF would work out to $800 a month. I don't think I should have to take one penny less.....but am I wrong?

 

If we were going to be living together on a permanent basis, I'd expect him to pay this much........hell, it's a brand new house, double garage, 1500 sq ft, he'd have his own 4 pc bathroom, everything's new and nice and clean and such.

 

Am I out of line here?

 

Let's face it...I pray to GOD that I find a job by the middle of February and I'll then be fine financially..........I really don't want to live with him. I am very much used to my 'own space' and it's so early in the relationship.....I'm still having problems with his clinginess.....and to think I've have to deal with his clinginess each and every freaking day, I think it would be a disaster. I'm also not in any rush to sleep with him.......I'm taking this all very slowly.....and the chances are good that IF he did move in here for those 2 months, he'd have his own bedroom (as opposed to sleeping with me). Sounds crazy but like I said, I'm taking things slowly.

 

A) How could I even go about telling him he just can't live with me..when he's basically telling me he has no other place to live......that it just wouldn't be acceptable for him to live in his sister's basement (new place) without even having his own bedroom or any privacy? How can I tell him "NO" when he was kind enough to offer to help ME out should I need it? (which I still might but am praying I don't)

 

B) If I did allow him to live with me for those 2 months (due to me not having a job yet or due to his situation), would I be so out of line to be asking for $800 a month? Around here, a person couldn't even rent a 1 bedroom apartment for that much....AND, due to his past divorce 2 yrs ago, he pretty much lost everything (furniture-wise)...the only thing he owns is his bed and his clothes. He couldn't even RENT an apartment cuz he doesn't even has a pot to cook with, know what I mean? Here he'd have EVERYTHING (and nice stuff to boot).

 

The other night when I asked him what he currently pays at his sister's place now, and he told me $450 (keep in mind, she currently pays $1100 a month, and she also has 2 kids......so he's paying almost half of what she pays in rent).....i just got the sense that he figured that's all he'd pay HERE..and I jokingly said to him "Well you'd be paying more than that here!" and he sounded SURPRISED......I told him "yep, you'd have to pay half of my mortgage, utilities and groceries".......he sounded surprised. He hasn't brought this up again LOL

 

So what do you think about all of this?

 

How would you proceed if you were me?

 

If it turns out that I do let him live here for 2 months, do you think I'm out of line to ask that he pay for half of things?

 

Thanks a lot.

[Tony T]

Personally, I don't think you are all that crazy about this guy. You aren't at all excited about the prospects of him living with you so I wouldn't allow it if I were you.

 

If you do, you aren't out of line asking him to pay half the mortgage...especially if you're in financial difficulties. I think this is something that should be negotiated. Everybody has a different perspective on something like this. From his point of view, every dollar he would give you is a dollar less you have to come up for the monthly payment you would have to pay anyway.

 

You should tell him you are not comfortable with having a roomie at this time and that he needs to find other living arrangements. If he makes decent money, he can find accomodations at a reasonable price for two months.

 

It sounds like he would really like to be with you for that time but it also sounds like that's in no way where your head is. Don't be intimidated to give in to his wish just because he made an offer to help you. That offer would benefit him just as much as you.

 

In life, take all actions that you are comfortable with and stubbornly refused to be intimidated or shamed into doing things you don't want to do. You'll be lots happier that way.

 

Good luck!!!

[ashleybandit]

Have been dating a nice (but clingy) guy for a month now.

 

the fact that you describe him as clingy makes me think that you don't really like him all that much. No one wants a clingy person...and you have only been dating a month! that's not that long-- living together woulcdaccelerate things far too quickly (i would think).

 

His good news was.......as of March 1st, his sister will be moving into this new place, there won't be a bedroom for him there, so he "won't have a place to live til he takes possession of his place at the end of April" and could he LIVE WITH ME for those 2 months.

 

He currently pays ONLY $450 a month at his sister's place.....and that includes everything (rent, his share of the utilities, groceries, etc). I got the impression that he thinks that's ALL he'd have to pay here....and fat friggen chance of that, IMO.

 

No way. Do not let him pay less. NO WAY. He makes more than you, tell him if he were to move in, the rent would be $1,000 per month (charge him a little more!). Tell him it's to cover mortgage (calculate the split BEFORE your tax deduction!).

 

I have been with guys in the past who will take advantage of you IF YOU LET THEM. Understand, you have the upper hand right now. he has no place to stay, you have a house. Charge him what is fair (market value) if you were to have a ROMMATE.

 

Money is always a sticky issue-- and when it comes to money you must ALWAYS look out for yourself. Always. don't be a chump, and don't get taken advantaged of. and don't let your "guilt" make you "too nice".

 

and to think I've have to deal with his clinginess each and every freaking day, I think it would be a disaster. I'm also not in any rush to sleep with him.......I'm taking this all very slowly.....and the chances are good that IF he did move in here for those 2 months, he'd have his own bedroom (as opposed to sleeping with me). Sounds crazy but like I said, I'm taking things slowly.

 

Good, you have only been together for a month. and you don't know if you like him. don't sleep with him. not until YOU want to. He will have his own bedroom, so it will be a roommate situation. So you charge him what you would charge a roommate, and then a little more because you are risking your privacy, and this is short term, and short term people always get charged a little more. Capiche?

 

If he thinks he can get away and pay you **** for beans for a place to live, then he is an a**h***. Honestly, I would NEVER do that to someone. Think, if you were in his shoes, how would YOU conduct yourself? You seem like a "fair" person, and I hazard to guess that you would offer to pay what is "fair"

 

you should expect nothing less than that.

 

If you live in SF or NYC, then a roommate situation is at least $800-$1200/month. If he thinks he can pay $450/month, he is essentially *stealing* from you and *ripping you off*.

 

As you can see, I feel strongly about this. Money is a sticky thing in relationships. If he takes advantage of you now, you are paving a road for him to take advantage of you later.

 

I honestly think you shouldn't live with him, but if you do, it would be a financial arrangement. I also hazard to guess you could get a roomate (Criagslist.org) and have that person pay what you want... and you wouldn't have to deal with a clingy guy who wants to pay you less than you can be paid by SOMEONE you DON'T KNOW.

 

If he thinks knowing you gives him a break on rent, then, honestly, he's a mooch.

[midori]

Originally posted by Just A Girl2

Hi all,

 

The other night when I asked him what he currently pays at his sister's place now, and he told me $450 (keep in mind, she currently pays $1100 a month, and she also has 2 kids......so he's paying almost half of what she pays in rent).....i just got the sense that he figured that's all he'd pay HERE..and I jokingly said to him "Well you'd be paying more than that here!" and he sounded SURPRISED......I told him "yep, you'd have to pay half of my mortgage, utilities and groceries".......he sounded surprised. He hasn't brought this up again LOL

 

hopefully you're off the hook then.

 

I don't know what the standards are for renting a room in one's home, but I would think that it would be whatever the going market rate is. I.e., if you were to rent a comparably sized house in your area, how much would it go for, and how much would each person pay if two people jointly rented the house. That's what ought to determine your renter's payment to you, not your mortgage. If he's paying to rent space from you, why should he pay more than he would as an occupant in another, comparable place just because you have a high mortgage payment? That's just my take on it, and of course if you own the place, you can set the fees at whatever you like.

 

All of that is moot, however, because I think you should definitely not allow him to move in with you. No way. You've already got qualms about your romantic relationship with him generally, adding living together could make for a miserable two months for you. If he's getting on your nerves a bit without seeing him every day, imagine what it would be like to be with him all the time.

 

Seems to me like your best solution for your temporary financial crunch might be to advertise for a roommate -- a six month deal or something like that. People who are moving to an area often like to do that until they can find a place of their own, so a six-month agreement would suit them.

 

If it turns out that I do let him live here for 2 months, do you think I'm out of line to ask that he pay for half of things?

 

I really wouldn't do it if I were you. I think this guy is weird and presumptuous to basically ask you to agree to live with him for a longer period of time (2 months ) than you've known him (1 month)! He & his sister knew this was coming up, why didn't they plan things better than this?

 

His offer to help you out was nice, but it doesn't oblige you to reciprocate. For one thing, he might have made it not so much to be nice but because he was already anticipating a need for a place to live for a few months. Even if the offer was made solely out of the goodness of his heart, that doesn't mean that you are indebted to him.

[quankanne]

it was nice of him to offer you a place to stay at the time of your need, but because he likes you as much as he does, it doesn't seem to be as much as a sacrifice, simply because he DOES like you.

 

but now that the situation's reversed, and knowing that you don't feel the same way about him, don't feel like you owe it to him to reciprocate the offer.

 

1. you can tell him that it would be way too weird to be dating AND rooming together, and that while you appreciate his suggestion, it's not something you'd feel comfortable doing (sharing a home with him). And leave the explanation at that.

 

2. you can share the place with him against your better judgment. If you do, I say don't treat him any differently than you would anyone else looking to share your space. JAG, if I lived in your area and was interested in being your roommate, I would expect that I would split the bills down the middle, unless you have advertised otherwise. And you wouldn't treat me any differently just because you've noticed my big mouth yapping from time to time on this forum.

 

I say go with your initial feelings on this one. He might be okay to date, but do you really want to have to face him every day you get home from school or work, considering the way you feel about him? The decision is yours, not his, and while it would be a nice gesture to offer him the same help he offered you, you don't owe him anything.