Dancing Sexually With Other Men While Studying Overseas. Is it right?

[nychris412]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. This summer she's spending two months over seas to study abroad. We are very close and have discussed matters such as marriage and naming kids and all that love "junk."

 

Anyway, I talked to her recently over the phone and she said she was going to a beach and some clubs with the other students that are studying abroad with her for a weekend. I got kind of worked up over that fact that she's going to clubs. When I think clubs I think guys grinding on her. She said she's probably not going to dance with anyone other than with the girls because she doesn't enjoy dancing with random guys, but she's also expressed many times that she does like to dance. She isn't surrounded by random guys, though. There are still the guys that she is taking classes with who aren't random. The situation is I'm older than she and I've gone to plenty of bars with friends and didn't dance with other girls; I basically had drinks and chatted with my friends. I've even turned down girls whom wanted to dance and told my girlfriend that I did when I talked to her after I left the bars. When we talked on the phone I expressed my discomfort with her about dancing with other guys (and by dancing it's assumed grinding and such). All she had to say was "I wouldn't care if you danced with other girls." So if I'm willing to make such sacrifices shouldn't I get it in return? I honestly don't even ask much from her and I'm not trying to be controlling. I see grinding as very sexual, because you're obviously rubbing your "goods" against another person, and they are doing the same to you. If she's going to be sexual with other guys it's kind of like she's lacking fidelity. Even if the guy doesn't mean anything to her then I could go out and kiss a random girl (a big no-no in our relationship and probably most peoples) and say, "What? She doesn't mean anything to me." That example is a stretch, I know, but that's the way this situation is to me.

 

My question is, since I have expressed my negativity with her specifically about grinding or dancing in a sexual way with another guy, and shown that I won't dance sexually with another girl, then don't I deserve to be treated the same way? She knows what's important to me, AND dancing isn't like #1 on her things to do in life (so it wouldn't be any loss if she didn't dance sexually with other guys), so if she does go off and dances sexually with another guy then is she on grounds for break-up or am I just being asinine?

 

Thanks for everyone's input in advance!

[Tony T]

If the two of you are in a very serious relationship and she doesn't express deep respect for the way you feel, you should dump her. This is simply a matter of respect on her part. She has NO obligation whatsoever to comply with your wishes. If, however, she values you and the relationship then she will. If she likes to dance more than she likes you, that is sending a loud and clear message to you.

 

If she has told you outright that she will go against your wishes, then govern yourself accordingly. It makes no difference what you are willing to do for her, she has no obligation to return the favor. You have the obligation to yourself to get away from a person like that.

[Topper]

Am i missing something here? Did she say she is going to go dancing and grind some guy on the dance floor? Even if she does dance with some random guys does not mean she will be dry humping them. Or even dancing in a suggestive manor.

If she doesn't care about you going out to Bars and dancing. Then if I were you I would not sit at home and wait for your girl to come home. Have some fun Flirt and test the waters. Maybe when she comes home the two of you will havea stonger relationship. Might be that both of you will feel the need to move on.

 

She could also be using this time to test her own feeling for you. Flirting with guys. Testing the waters so to speak.

At least she is telling you what she is doing . I would worry if she was evasive about what she was doing in her spare time.

Hate to say this but what happens in Europe Stays in Europe.

[LovesJim55]

Just because she is might dance does NOT mean she is going to be grinding. There are other forms of dancing. Sure when you go to a club and turn down dances, that is YOUR decision. Your girlfriend should be able to go out with friends without you breathing down her neck. If you love this girl and want to keep her, don't push the issue, just trust her.

[nychris412]

I know there are other forms of dancing besides grinding. I'm only talking about grinding situations. Other forms where bodies don't have to rub up against each other are fine which is what I was implying in my story.

 

Testing feelings is not an issue in this situation.

[reef man]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. This summer she's spending two months over seas to study abroad. We are very close and have discussed matters such as marriage and naming kids and all that love "junk."

 

Anyway, I talked to her recently over the phone and she said she was going to a beach and some clubs with the other students that are studying abroad with her for a weekend. I got kind of worked up over that fact that she's going to clubs.

 

And you are justified in feeling the way you do about her going to clubs.

 

When I think clubs I think guys grinding on her. She said she's probably not going to dance with anyone other than with the girls because she doesn't enjoy dancing with random guys

 

Ya right. Now there is a load of bull if I ever heard it.

 

, but she's also expressed many times that she does like to dance. She isn't surrounded by random guys, though. There are still the guys that she is taking classes with who aren't random. The situation is I'm older than she and I've gone to plenty of bars with friends and didn't dance with other girls; I basically had drinks and chatted with my friends. I've even turned down girls whom wanted to dance and told my girlfriend that I did when I talked to her after I left the bars. When we talked on the phone I expressed my discomfort with her about dancing with other guys (and by dancing it's assumed grinding and such). All she had to say was "I wouldn't care if you danced with other girls."

 

Yup, she says that so she doesn't feel guilty about getting her juke on with other guys.

 

So if I'm willing to make such sacrifices shouldn't I get it in return?

 

Actually it should be about you not feeling comfortable with it and she should respect your wishes. If you don't like it and she does it anyway, she isn't a keeper in my book. She is a selfish little tart.

 

My question is, since I have expressed my negativity with her specifically about grinding or dancing in a sexual way with another guy, and shown that I won't dance sexually with another girl, then don't I deserve to be treated the same way?

 

You deserve someone that will love you enough to respect your wishes. She doesn't have to stop doing everything that you might not like. But if this is something you rarely express a concern over, if she loved you, she wouldn't go.

 

But she is overseas. How would you know if she went or not?

In my opinion, going to "clubs" without your SO is unacceptable. Clubs are a breeding ground for cheating. And I don't need anyone coming back and saying, "but she could cheat anywhere". Ya, no duh. But clubs are where people go to let loose and let inhibitions go.

Its a meat market.

 

She knows what's important to me, AND dancing isn't like #1 on her things to do in life (so it wouldn't be any loss if she didn't dance sexually with other guys), so if she does go off and dances sexually with another guy then is she on grounds for break-up or am I just being asinine?

 

No, you are not being asinine. Someone who grinds sexually on other people, man or woman, isn't trustworthy in my book. Only thing stopping them from having sex is a thin layer of clothing.

 

Dude, you do what you feel you need to, but if I were you and I found out she dissed your feelings anyway, and especially if you find out somehow she was grinding on other guys, I'd wait til she got back from overseas, and when she shows up at your door, tell her you don't have anything to say to her and slam the door in her face.

[dbtmarley]

I would dump her if it was me.

 

I have an ex wife with the help of clubs. Clubs are a cancer to any relationship.

[reef man]

I would dump her if it was me.

 

I have an ex wife with the help of clubs. Clubs are a cancer to any relationship.

 

I agree 100%

[georgejungle]

You have every right to be paranoid, but

if it were me AND THIS IS COMING FROM

EXPERIENCE, I would have ended the relationship or

just put it on Hiatus, while she was gone.

 

I was dating a girl i was so head over heels in love with

for 5 months and then she went off to study abroad. I

suggested that we Break It Off while she was gone, so that

there wasn't any pressure to have to think about leaving

a partner behind while she was off experiencing new things

in another country. Plus we were young 20's and I didn't feel

like we should be tied down at that time. I wasn't planning

on cheating on her or dating other girls, but She Too LOVED

to dance and go out to clubs with friends and I guess it was

a way to Protect myself, since well, we were a NEW couple

and She was going to be around Guys and Probably Dancing

our at fun clubs so...Let's Break It Off and if things give it

another Try when you get back, if we still really like each other...

 

HOWEVER, she refused to break it off, said she loved me, etc.

Long Story Short, Long distance Communication tends to lead

to miscommunication & an Out Of sight, Out Of Mind...She ended up

getting her Groove on and making out with a some dude she was

studying with who she then fell in love with over theso I was crushed.

I wish I had just broken up with her before because it's the sheer

fact that she did it While we were together, that bugged me.

I've heard stories that it's kinda the Norm to go abroad, have a fling,

and then come back to your trusting partner, with them never

knowing or suspecting anything ever happened.

 

ANYWAY, If her Dancing Sexually with other dudes, doesn't work

for you AND she knows this yet still does it or refuses to stop,

then YES, DUMP HER....

[BonneKarma]

I love to go out dancing, but don't go very often because clubs are meat markets. When I do go it's with a group of good girls and we dance together and glare at the playa's or with a mixed group of girls and guys - generally the guys hang out and drink while we hit the dance floor.

 

I don't grind on the dance floor unless it's with my man, otherwise I think it's just giving guys the wrong idea. Also, if I were in a relationship I would consider it as bad as him getting a lap dance.

 

Did you girlfriend admit to grinding on the dance floor or is it possible you're just assuming that's what goes on. I know a lot of girls who like to go out and dance and stick together, fending off the wolves.

[Star Gazer]

Nowadays I go to a club about...oh...once every six months or so. It's usually a "special occasion," like for my birthday (I never even made it onto the dancefloor though!). I actually really like to go dancing, don't know why I don't go more often. Anyway, although I love to go dancing (and used to go often a few years ago), I honestly cannot remember the last time I did the whole bump-and-grind thing on the dancefloor. I find it so childish and ridiculous. I think I was literally 19 and drunko the last time I did that...and it was with my BF!

 

My point is, just because she's going to go dancing with her friends doesn't mean she's gonna go buck wild feelin' rock hard cocks all night long. Calm down a little, buddy.

 

That said, you've made it clear to her that doing so would make you uncomfortable. I think it's a valid concern to have. Therefore, if she dismisses your concerns and rocks out with dudes doin' some dirty dancin' stuff, I'd say your relationship is kaput...and for good reason.

[BonneKarma]

exactly Star_Gazer, I think a lot of girls are the same way. I love to dance, love music and movin' but I don't think I've ever done the random grinding thing. Generally I would be so annoyed that someone was trying to cut in on my time with the girlfriends. I also don't smile at guys on the dance floor or make eye contact with people outside my group of friends, trying to give the hint that I'm not there to hook up.

 

Some guys though are oblivious and will walk over and start dancing with you anyways. A quick shut down is generally all that's necessary.

 

If a guy I was dating forbid me to go dancing with friends I would interpret this as a lack of self esteem and trust in my character. I've been in an abusive, possessive relationship before and will never again put up with that kind of attempt to control reasonable actions and interests. Dancing is good fun, you'll just have to trust her or you'll push her away.

 

If you really can't get past the fact that she enjoys going out dancing, yeah - dump her. You'll be doing both of you a favour.

[RecordProducer]

Chris, what I've noticed first is that you've used the expression "dance sexually" several times. She hasn't even gone dancing yet and in your mind she already had some form of sex with another guy. In your mind your lovely girlfriend will meet a lovely guy and dance with him, get horny for him, and... whatever... I can see you seeing red just before the thought.

 

Let me tell you the truth about girls. If she loves you, she can dance with 100 men every night, she won't feel anything for them. Dancing is not like kissing. Kissing means "I like you" and probably "I want you" also. But dancing is not related to attraction, unless the dancers are attracted to each other.

 

She can meet Mr. Lovely at any moment, even when she goes to a party with you. Most women find their lovers at work. You can't prevent her from fancying anyone by making sure she doesn't get closer than six feet to any guy. You don't prevent her from cheating by calling her at midnight.

 

Have some faith in her love for you and trust her. If she isn't trustworthy, you'll find out sooner or later. She already told you that she doesn't like dancing with random guys and she will probbaly be dancing with the girls. Had she sdaid that there is nothing wrong with fooling around with other guys, I'd say you have a problem. But she sounds totally faithful so far and you sound a bit insecure. Nothing wrong with being insecure, but don't work yourself up. Just relax and enjoy your relationship. It's not worth sweating over it.

[Lizzie60]

but from what I read...I think you are controlling and you have jealousy issues that you need to deal with.

 

She is not your property and, from what I read, she hasn't done anything yet, but you are treating her as if you own her and she has to listen to whatever you say....

 

I would dump YOU.

[RecordProducer]

I would dump YOU.

I wouldn't.