elweezer Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 My ex and I broke up in early February because we were fighting constantly and she started having feelings for her best friend. She was quite obsessed with me throughout our one year relationship and I was constantly mean to her. After we broke up and she started dating someone else I realized my true feelings and how wrong I was to treat her that way. I wrote her this six page letter basically telling her how much I loved her and how epic our love was. I waited for a reply and got none, decided to go NC. Every day of NC she called more and more leaving desperate voicemails saying she needed to talk to me. I find out that the letter made her realize that she was crazy for leaving me, etc. She broke up with her best friend because of the letter. We initially decided to not rush into things for the sake of the best friend who was extremely, extremely distraught with the break up to the point of talking about suicide. However, they broke up April 13th and we still haven't gotten back together. When I ask her about things she says she is not ready to be in a relationship right now because she is not ready to make someone else happy at the moment. She wants to enjoy her last summer as a child before college in the fall. Meanwhile, in a moment of indiscretion, we have had sex without being "together". She used to call me every morning to say she loved me and send me text messages saying "you're the girl of my dreams", etc. After a while though, I was upset about her inability to re-commit and I voiced it. We kind of fought about it and she said part of the reason we can't get back together right now is that we are still fighting (kind of a Catch-22, isn't it?). The only thing is, I don't know how to go about getting back together. It's not like I'm courting her, we already dated. Is it appropriate to withhold any physical intimacy until we are together? Is it appropriate to withold "I love you"? I'm not sure if this "pseudo-dating" is what we need to fix our problems or if it will just give her no incentive to make a commitment. As for exclusivity, she did not say we were limited to each other. She said she was not looking for that, or for a relationship (obviously), but she can't say what would happen if something arose because the whole point is she wants to experience non-commitment for a little while. I am not sure I should be understanding (we were in a serious relationship for a year where she poured her heart into it and before that she was in a few other serious relationships back to back) or feel used by the fact that she is willing to accept sex and love without the title of a relationship. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
rayblueline Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. My experience with these pseudo-relationships is that the person in your position almost always ends up with a broken heart. You deserve commitment. Honestly, I would recommend having an honest conversation with her about what you want and what she wants. Tell her you love her and you want to be with her but you want a commitment. If she isn't on-board with giving you a commitment, you should call it off... which might make her realize the error of her ways and come back ready to commit. On the other hand, if she's already made up her mind that she doesn't want to commit to you, moving on now might be the best thing you can do to protect yourself from even worse heartbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elweezer Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 I found out the reason she is being a flake now is drug related. She has been smoking pot three times a day for as long as she's been blowing me off. In this situation I am tempted to walk away and do NC for as long as it takes her to realize my absense in her life. However, I am not sure what obligation I have to help her. I've told her how bad it is that she's taking this path and reminded of her father who died from a drug related suicide last year in June. She just got really angry at me. Now, since she wanted to get back together but the drugs ruined it, should I be trying to help her or just leave her to self-destruct? I still love her deep down but she is killing me by doing this to herself and us. Link to post Share on other sites
rayblueline Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 My feeling is that if you love her, you should try to help her. But it is going to be a tough road. Especially with pot, which people are reluctant to admit is a problem. Try to get her on-board with some professional counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elweezer Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 I called her yesterday to get some stuff back because at this rate who knows if I'll even see her before I move to college. She said she wanted to hang out on Thursday and I said "possibly" so I could have time to think about what I should do. Should I not go/call her as a sort of protest for what she's doing or should I agree to hang out with her and then use that opportunity to talk to her? Or I could just decline the invitation over the phone and cite my reasons as her flakiness and her "drug problem". That could wake her up. Link to post Share on other sites
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