Buddhism and Dating - Do I show kindness and understanding...or get laid?

[JerryG]

Just want to quiz some of you on your experiences. For the last few years, throughout college, I was somewhat shy, had braces etc and thus during this time I had taken to reading into Buddhism and focused on cultivating certain qualities like compassion, understanding, kindness etc.

 

It is only within the last year (I'm 22) that I've come out of my shell and I've began to enter the world of dating. Through this forum and other sources of information I've been reading about certain things that it seems one must do (like how to generate attraction, other rules and "games" of dating). It sometimes seems to me that there is contradiction between the world and the spiritual world that I try to follow.

 

I know this is likely due to inexperience on my part, but I'd love to hear how some of you have pursued following both paths.

[alphamale]

you could try to find a nice buddist girl...

[JerryG]

thanks alpha i know you've read some of my other posts, and hopefully I don't come across as a whiney person, I've just been on a large learning curve lately. I've read many of your posts and they are dead on correct!

[Tony T]

If you want to be a good Buddhist, you will give up your attachment to women and sex and be a kind, gentle, compassionate and understanding person. There's a lot to be said about the happiness of practicing Buddhists but Monks rarely if ever have sex.

 

If you want to get laid, drop your Buddhist books and go here: http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/Ladder_Theory Read that and all the references. You'll likely be totally worn out by tomorrow morning....no, not from reading...but from good, powerful sex.

 

Read this too: http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/How_to_recover_from_being_an_IW%2C_and_become_Alpha and link to some of the other subjects at the bottom of the page.

 

Good luck and BE A MAN. Women want to be laid by a MAN, not a meditating wussie. (No offense intended.)

[pelagicsands]

If you want to get laid, drop your Buddhist books and go here: http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/Ladder_Theory Read that and all the references. You'll likely be totally worn out by tomorrow morning....no, not from reading...but from good, powerful sex.

Tony T gives the best advice. And be careful of that abyss - it's a long way to the bottom (if you ever get there).

[Tony T]

I know this is likely due to inexperience on my part, but I'd love to hear how some of you have pursued following both paths.

 

I think you can follow both paths...but get laid first. Even the females you meet at Buddhist studies and meditation groups respond to a man who is a man. Women very much like a man who shows kindness and compassion...but it has to be measured and appropriate. If you come across as too nice, to understanding, too sweet...right off the bat, you'll just be a friend to your intended and nothing more.

[JerryG]

Spot on Tony (again), thanks!

[alphamale]

If you come across as too nice, to understanding, too sweet...right off the bat, you'll just be a friend to your intended and nothing more.

man, thats the truth...

[bluetuesday]

i could swear i've already answered this tonight... but my post isn't here so... go figure.

 

right. it's impossible to be faithful to the path of spirituality and the path of getting laid. if you're asking about getting laid, then accept that's more important to you than having a fulfilling spiritual life.

 

don't listen to the guys. they don't know what attracts women. MANY women would be attracted to someone spiritual. i find men with no spiritual dimension to their lives totally dull and a complete turn-off. so if being a buddhist is important to you, don't give that away for a shag.

 

and if you're prepared to give it up, accept it was never that important to you. i don't think you can have it both ways. you can be sexual and spiritual, but it will be within the context of a loving relationship... and you probably won't refer to the experience as 'getting laid'.

[disgracian]

Good luck and BE A MAN. Women want to be laid by a MAN, not a meditating wussie. (No offense intended.)

What exactly is "a MAN (allcaps)" in your humble view?

 

Cheers,

D.

[Tony T]

What exactly is "a MAN (allcaps)" in your humble view?

 

Cheers,

D.

 

You assume my view is humble. Well, maybe, maybe not.

 

A MAN is a male who communicates what he wants, who is forthcoming with a woman, who is direct and who feels comfortable enough in his manliness that he doesn't have to put on a show or be somebody he isn't. A MAN doesn't have to fake kindness. He knows how to be gentle, yet assertive. He knows how to be honest without being timid or overpowering. A MAN is comfortable enough in his skin that he knows he doesn't have to compromise himself or his views to win another person. A MAN is totally honest about who he is and doesn't shrink from his values in order to win th heart of a woman. He takes charge of the scene.

 

A MAN is confident in who he is and doesn't care if any person doesn't like him because of that...it's more important for him to be honest. A MAN shows genuine kindness for the sake of showing his true self, not winning somebody. A MAN shows genuine generosity, not because he's trying to impress somebody, but because that's the way he is. A MAN has sound boundaries and knows where to draw the line when it comes to generosity and disclosing too much too soon or giving too much too soon. A MAN feels good enough about himself that he knows he doesn't have to crawl all over a woman's butt for her to admire him as a human being and potential mate.

 

A MAN will not compromise his true self for any woman, job or situation. He will rise to the occasion and make those around him feel very comfortable that there is a highly competent person in charge. A woman wants to know she's got a MAN around her. She wants to feel secure and in a stable, safe environment...the type a MAN creates. A wussie leaves a tremendous void in the psyche of a woman. She knows that when she's around a wussie, she better have it together because he doesn't and that doesn't make her feel good about him or the situation. It also doesn't make her want to be around him much, even as a friend. She'd just as soon not have him call.

 

If a male is too much of a wussie, a woman wants to puke. A MAN makes her feel great about being a WOMAN!

[JerryG]

Tony, I've been reading quite a bit of the site that you linked, it's really good info! In retrospect, reading it I've a lot seen a lot of similarities between some of the zen training I've had and the material, specifically dealing with things like confidence, be comfortable with yourself, fear (ie. fear of rejection) etc.

 

Jerry

[Tony T]

Tony, I've been reading quite a bit of the site that you linked, it's really good info! In retrospect, reading it I've a lot seen a lot of similarities between some of the zen training I've had and the material, specifically dealing with things like confidence, be comfortable with yourself, fear (ie. fear of rejection) etc.

 

Jerry

 

I truly appreciate your feedback. I always feel good when I've been able to help somebody. Believe it or not, your problem is a very major issue for a LOT of men. It's really hard for a certified nice guy to achieve the type of behavior that excites women. You really have to practice, but you're certainly young enough that you'll succeed very soon. You may have to practice and experience a little rejection along the way. Just be sincere and when you get good at being a MAN, don't play with women's feelings and pay attention that they aren't playing with your penis!

[disgracian]

A MAN is...

So in other words, just a person who is honest, sincere and secure in who they are. Does something so simple need to be dressed up in so much conceited chest-pounding?

 

Cheers,

D.

[Tony T]

So in other words, just a person who is honest, sincere and secure in who they are. Does something so simple need to be dressed up in so much conceited chest-pounding?

 

Cheers,

D.

 

Actually, it's not so simple because it's one of the most written about subjects on this forum. I do not see any signs of conceit here. Please explain. I just wanted to make this extremely clear and I think I did.

 

Thank you for your response.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Just want to quiz some of you on your experiences. For the last few years, throughout college, I was somewhat shy, had braces etc and thus during this time I had taken to reading into Buddhism and focused on cultivating certain qualities like compassion, understanding, kindness etc.

 

I wore braces when I was a teenager, I remember it caused me angst. But you....you took up Buddhism because of the braces? Oh, my.

 

It is only within the last year (I'm 22) that I've come out of my shell and I've began to enter the world of dating. Through this forum and other sources of information I've been reading about certain things that it seems one must do (like how to generate attraction, other rules and "games" of dating). It sometimes seems to me that there is contradiction between the world and the spiritual world that I try to follow.

 

I know this is likely due to inexperience on my part, but I'd love to hear how some of you have pursued following both paths

 

I'm not an expert on Buddhism, but I've read a bit on the principles and their application to life and living. First off, Buddhism is probably the most forgiving religion in terms of "should" and "shouldn't". So, as long as what you do sits well with your conscience, it's fine.

 

There is definitely a rift between the rules of modern dating and what is ideal to your sense of morality. So who said you have to play it the way everyone else does? Guaranteed, you'll have a tough time finding people who date your way. But it's not impossible.

 

In the end, it's your attitude towards dating that matters. You can fulfill your spiritual needs even if you date a different girl every day. As long as you're not lying or cheating and the girls know it's all casual, there is no reason it should play on your conscience.

[Tony T]

...I'm not an expert on Buddhism, but I've read a bit on the principles and their application to life and living. First off, Buddhism is probably the most forgiving religion in terms of "should" and "shouldn't". So, as long as what you do sits well with your conscience, it's fine.

 

There is definitely a rift between the rules of modern dating and what is ideal to your sense of morality. So who said you have to play it the way everyone else does? Guaranteed, you'll have a tough time finding people who date your way. But it's not impossible.

 

In the end, it's your attitude towards dating that matters. You can fulfill your spiritual needs even if you date a different girl every day. As long as you're not lying or cheating and the girls know it's all casual, there is no reason it should play on your conscience.

 

WOW! Great post, well said!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

WOW! Great post, well said!

 

Thanks, Tony T That means a lot, coming from you!

[disgracian]

Actually, it's not so simple because it's one of the most written about subjects on this forum.

It seems very simple to me. Once you remove all the capitalised instances of MAN and boil things down to simple dot points, it amounts to nothing more than my summary.

I do not see any signs of conceit here. Please explain.

"Good luck and BE A MAN. Women want to be laid by a MAN, not a meditating wussie. (No offense intended.)"

 

One of the silliest and shallowest comments I have ever seen, and especially more misguided when directed towards anyone whose primary mission in life isn't adding another notch to their bedpost.

 

The conceit lies within the bombastic presentation of your stereotypical (and highly unoriginal) ideas of what it means to be A MAN, and the implicit suggestion that anyone who doesn't meet your criteria is something other than a man (a 'wussie', perhaps?). Most of what you include are just elementary traits of human decency and apply just as equally to a woman. You could replace every instance of MAN to WOMAN to your diatribe and it would make just as much sense.

 

Cheers,

D.

[knaveman]

The need to get laid is desire and one of the Four Noble Truths is to end desire. A good Buddhist does not desire, however we are human and some things are hard to control unless you become a monk. Ah, the dichotomy of life. The Buddha preached the middle path, but sometime in order to find it we must travel both sides. Everything is to your benefit.

 

At least that is what I have learned so far.

[disgracian]

Verily said, knaveman!

 

Cheers,

D.

[knaveman]

Thankyou, once in a great while I actually make sense.

[Fa Chan]

Just want to quiz some of you on your experiences. For the last few years, throughout college, I was somewhat shy, had braces etc and thus during this time I had taken to reading into Buddhism and focused on cultivating certain qualities like compassion, understanding, kindness etc.

 

It is only within the last year (I'm 22) that I've come out of my shell and I've began to enter the world of dating. Through this forum and other sources of information I've been reading about certain things that it seems one must do (like how to generate attraction, other rules and "games" of dating). It sometimes seems to me that there is contradiction between the world and the spiritual world that I try to follow.

 

I know this is likely due to inexperience on my part, but I'd love to hear how some of you have pursued following both paths.

Why is there a contradiction between practicing Buddhism and being sexually active? One of the precepts in Buddhism is to abstain from sexual misconduct. But that doesn't mean you have to be celibate. It means you should be responsible with your body and not abuse someone for sex only. There should be no contradiction between your spiritual life and your every day mundane life.

 

Peace...

 

Fa Chan

[Fa Chan]

If you want to be a good Buddhist, you will give up your attachment to women and sex and be a kind, gentle, compassionate and understanding person. There's a lot to be said about the happiness of practicing Buddhists but Monks rarely if ever have sex.

 

If you want to get laid, drop your Buddhist books and go here: http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/Ladder_Theory Read that and all the references. You'll likely be totally worn out by tomorrow morning....no, not from reading...but from good, powerful sex.

 

Read this too: http://ladderwiki.com/wiki/How_to_recover_from_being_an_IW%2C_and_become_Alpha and link to some of the other subjects at the bottom of the page.

 

Good luck and BE A MAN. Women want to be laid by a MAN, not a meditating wussie. (No offense intended.)

First, I'm wondering where you got your information on Buddhism.

 

Second, there is no prohibition from the Buddha that his followers remain celibate. Householders (families) were a norm and sex within that marriage was a good thing.

 

A person can be kind and compassionate and have a sexual relationship with their wife or girlfriend. That's a false dilemma (be a buddhist and celibate or sexually active infidel). Where you get that idea I don't know.

 

Third, you said that "monks rarely if ever have sex". To which I respond . Monks take a vow to remain celibate. If they have sex and are found out by the abbot then they must be disrobed and leave. Priests in Jodo Shinshu and Zen can be married and have families, but monks still cannot be married or have sex.

 

Lastly, the last line is the one of the worst comments I've seen on forums. To be a man means to love the woman or man you are with. To meditate is to free one's mind of greed, anger and ignorance. It does not mean a person is a wussie. Hmmm...Steven Seagall is a meditating Buddhist and I don't think he is much of a wussie. He's a black belt and very strong.

 

I would recommend getting some basic books on Buddhism (I can give you a list) and re-thinking your attitude on what it means to be a man.

 

Peace...

 

Fa Chan

[Fa Chan]

The need to get laid is desire and one of the Four Noble Truths is to end desire. A good Buddhist does not desire, however we are human and some things are hard to control unless you become a monk. Ah, the dichotomy of life. The Buddha preached the middle path, but sometime in order to find it we must travel both sides. Everything is to your benefit.

 

At least that is what I have learned so far.

Desire is not the same thing as attachment. The need for sexual intimacy is only an attachment if that's all you think about. A "good" Buddhist is simply a human who does the best they can to live the teachings of the Buddha. Desire to be the best person you can, live the teachings and to help others is healthy. There is no prohibition against desire. It's greed, anger and ignorance that are called the three poisons and it is the release from these three that releases one from the cycle of suffering.

 

Monks have the same problems others do. They fight to overcome the three poisons. They are not super human. They simply commit their lives to the teaching in that mode of living instead of being a householder.

 

Peace...

 

Fa Chan