unsure and scared

[confusedwife]

I have been married for going on 8 years, I have 2 beautiful children. My husband is the only man I've ever been with, but recently, I feel like I am missing something. I love my husband, but we have a lot of problems that I don't know how to solve. He constantly accuses me of cheating and calls me horrible names. We have good times too, but lately, the good are out numbered by the bad.

 

I am scared for a couple of reasons...Scared of losing my marriage, but even more scared because I have never wanted anyone else until now. I met a guy recently that gave me feelings inside I had never felt for anyone but my husband. Problem is, I'm married and so is he. I don't want to cheat on my husband and I do love him. But I don't know if I want to be here any more.

 

If this makes any sense to anyone, please help. I am so lonely and confused. I'm so scared and don't know what to do.

[midori]

Is the verbal/emotional abuse a new development?

 

That sounds like your primary problem. Did your husband become suspicious only after you began to wonder about other men? Or are you longing to escape an unhealthy marriage?

 

There's a reason why you're suddenly interested in other men. What is going on in your marriage? Are your needs not being met somehow, so that you've started to think about other men? And if so, is your husband picking up on your dissatisfaction? Or are you developing this interest in other men as a means of escape from an abusive relationship?

 

This is sounds like something you should consider talking to a counsellor about. Either with or without your husband.

[confusedwife]

Thanks for your advice. I'm still sitting here very confused with my life or what's going on inside me, but I do feel some better.

 

I don't feel I am in an abusive relationship. We argue, quite a bit at times and very cruel things are said, but I don't put all the blame on my husband. As for the accussations, those have been going on for probably about 3 years. I've never cheated, actually, as I think I said before, my husband is the only person I've ever been with. And I wonder if that's not part of why I am having these other feelings. I don't know.

 

Anyway, my husband and I did talk a couple of nights ago. It helped some. He apologized, but it's hard to accept, when you know the same thing will come up again. But some things I don't feel I can or should talk about to him. He wants me to be honest with him and tell him how I'm feeling about us right now, but I can't. I mean, I don't think that's good idea. Because I'm not real sure. I love him with all my heart and I would feel completely lost without him, but I do feel something is missing. I think after all the times of being insulted, it's made me lose some of that love I once had. I'm not sure.

 

I just wish I had the answers. I still have not cheated on my husband and I don't really know that I am or would even if the situation actually came to that. I don't know that I could. But I do have some kind of attraction to this other guy and it scares the hell out of me.

 

Trying to be happy. I've cried so much this past week, it's made me literally sick. Thanks for any help or advice given.

[HokeyReligions]

Dear Confused:

 

This is pretty common in marriages - it's something many people go through. It doesn't have to be the end of your marriage and it could well be the beginning of something wonderful, because you are both growing. Sometimes the best things start out scary and painful and confusing.

 

I highly, STRONGLY, recommend a marriage counselor. All you are going to get from friends or magazines or the internet will be opinions from others based on their (our) intrepretation of the little you are able to tell us on the 'net and we filter it with our own experiences.

 

A counselor will see each of you alone and together and be able to help you with your specific concerns.

 

Don't jump to any conclusions here - get some outside help. Its nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. In this day and age we all need some help and you are doing it BECAUSE you love your husband and family.

 

Look into EAP at work - many company's have these nowadays, or you may be able to find a counselor thru your health insurance program, the United Way or your church.

 

If you are not comfortable with the first counselor you go to don't be afraid to look for someone else you ARE comfortable with.

 

In about the 10th year of my marriage (I have a celibate marriage - havn't had sex in about a dozen years) I found someone that I was attracted to and he to me. I had lots of opportunity and I gave it some pretty serious thought. I let all these doubts and fears torment me for over a year. I saw my husband and marriage through a heavy fog of negative feelings and it was a struggle to find the good stuff again. I revisited a counselor that helped us before and was able to move on. Even though my marriage continues to be "platonic" I have no regrets about the other guy and I don't think of it as a missed opportunity any more. I'm much more proud of the fact that I kept my marriage together and I have more self-respect and a deeper feeling on contentment and security. I only told you this so that you can know that others have gone through similar things and I understand the turmoil and self-doubt.

 

Good Luck

[confusedwife]

Thanks HockeyReligion for the words of advice. I have thought of counseling and mentioned it to my husband. He sees no need for counseling. I often think it could help, but at times, I think this is something I have to figure out on my own. We do have good times, but it's just the bad sometimes become overwhelming.

 

The thing with the other guy, may or may not have anything to do with that. I don't really think it does to some extent, just because when the attraction first started, we were in the state of doing good. I don't know what it is about this guy, I think it's the "unknown" part, but then again, maybe it's flattery. I like the fact that another person has taken notice to me, but what scares me most is that I too have taken notice to someone else. My mind is wondering way beyond I ever imagined it would.

 

I know the "right" thing to do, I do have morals, but it feels like something is pushing me to do the opposite of what I should. It's hard to explain and that's why it scares me. I'm trying not to think about it much now, but for several days, it really had me boggled. I love my husband and don't want to ruin my marriage or family, but I feel like either way I go, I will be because .... If I fall to temptation, of course my family will be hurt if they find out and if I don't, my mind is going to still be wondering what if. Not only that, I see this guy just about everyday.

 

I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I wish there were someone to tell me it's ok. But it's not and no one can tell me that. I feel guilty already and I haven't done anything and don't know if I will. The opportunity has already came once a few days ago, but I walked away. That should have made me feel good, but it didn't.

 

If this makes sense, I don't know. I know I'm not the only person in the world who has been here, but I try so hard to do the right thing and to know that I'm having thoughts of not, bothers me. I know I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I also don't want to be "nasty" either.

 

I just think,...What if?.... What if I did, could I and no one know, could I live with myself, could I face my family and not die of guilt?

 

Anyway, thanks for your advice, it is very appreciated.

[HokeyReligions]

you can go to counseling on your own. Your husband doesn't have to go and I'm sure you will find it very beneficial.

 

Don't lay a guilt trip on yourself about your feelings -- whatever you feel is normal and it is okay to feel those things. Counseling will help you to understand the feelings and where they come from and why and help you find ways to deal with them and to make the best decisions for yourself.

 

But you don't need to feel guilty for feeling something unexpected.

[confusedwife]

Hi everyone. Just a note to say, I appreciate all the advice. I think it's helped just to know that people in this world do care. I'm still unsure of what to do in my life right now, but I have been feeling some better. I think talking about it and hearing what others feel, has helped. Because no one here knows you personally, so it's not like they are really judging you.

 

I do so appreciate it. I have just decided, to take it one day at a time. Try to live my life right and try to keep my family together, even though, right now, I don't know if we can. I feel like this last fight between my husband and I caused a real gap in our marriage. I feel distant and somewhat lost from him. It's like I lost something for him and I don't know exactly what to do, to get it back or if I even can. But I'm trying.

 

As for the other situation, I'm going to let fait lead me the right way. If that makes any sense to anyone. I don't know what to do, or if there is anything that needs to be decided really. I mean, my feelings are bothering me, so yea, I have to deal with that. And I know the feeling is mutual now, so that makes it a little harder, but I don't think I can live my life crying and worrying everyday. It's tearing me apart and making me sick. I do feel guilty, even though I haven't acted on these feelings because I feel like it's wrong to feel the way I do, but I don't know how to stop. I also feel like maybe I feel guilty because I think if the situation arose, I'd fall for temptation and not do the "right" thing and that worries me.

 

Anyway, thanks, and any advice is welcome.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I'm married, and just because you are married does not mean you will not find other people attractive, even in a sexual nature. You're married, not dead. But acting on those feelings are wrong for the simple fact that you took a vow to remain faithful. So just because something feels good, like having this attraction for someone else, it doesn't mean it's a good thing to get into. Your main focus right now should be to get your marriage together. There are counselors and books out for improving marriages that can be very useful to you. It might be good it those steps you're taking one day at a time would be getting involved with some of those helpful tools.

[confusedwife]

Yea, I guess you are right. I am working on getting my marriage back right. My daughter has been ill and I've not been able to do much thinking about all that. Her health was more important.

 

I know I took a vow when I got married and I meant it. I can't say at times, I don't doubt it now, but I still love my husband. I wouldn't want to hurt him in anyway.

 

Looks as if, people started stuff about me and the other guy anyway. People talking for no reason now. So......

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

[smurfy73nik]

[color=darkblue][/color][font=times new roman][/font]I'm curious as to what you find in this other man that you don't find in your husband? Does he make you feel good about yourself? You've said you are tempted . . . . . . what is the temptation? Is he charming? witty? kind? attractive?

 

Do you think your husband takes you for granted? Have you expressed to him what you need?

 

You sound like a very nice person. I'm not in your shoes, so I really don't know how you are feeling. I have been married for 5 years, and I have 2 kids as well. My husband and I have a great relationship and I am very happy. However, prior to being married or even knowing my husband, there was a time I was in love with two men . . . . . one a former boyfriend and one a present boyfriend. It was a very emotional time. And, I ended up making a wrong decision. But, I believe you learn from your mistakes. And, I also believe life gives you many choices to make and it is your decision to figure out your "path". But, also remember the people in your life are also affected by your decisions, so choose carefully.

 

The only advice I can give is to follow your heart and mind. I hope you find happiness.

[confusedwife]

To answer your question, smurfy, yes, he does make me feel good about myself. He is very attractive and kind. I don't know exactly why I feel such a strong attraction. I think partly it's flattery that another man finds me attractive too. I'm not real sure what the attraction is, but it is very strong.

 

I love my husband and I still find him attractive too. That's what's strange about it. The two are totally different in appearance and personality.

 

I know the right thing to do and I'm trying very hard to put all my thoughts and energy into my family. It's hard at times, but I know I have to. I have children that would suffer greatly along with my husband and I don't want to hurt anyone. My family means the world to me and their happiness is my concern. I don't know what's missing in my marriage, but something is and I don't know what to do.

 

How important is trust to you? It's very important to me, but my husband doesn't think so. He doesn't trust me and I have never cheated on him and he knows nothing about these feelings, yet he has no trust or faith in me. That hurts a lot. It seems his feelings are always right in his eyes and mine are always wrong.

[valeiler]

dear confused,

 

i read your post and felt moved to respond immediately - just so that you know there is definitely one person out here in the great big world fighting the same battle as you fight now...

 

i've known my "other" almost as long as i've known my husband - they are very close friends, and my relationships with both essentially started at the same time. i was dating my husband when i met my "other," so naturally the two relationships formed and progressed very differently.

 

i have always, stress on the ALWAYS, had feelings for the "other." he is an amazing man, in ways that are very different from what makes my husband amazing... the two loves i feel, also very different from each other. and just like you said, their appearances are almost opposite - so my physical attraction to each is also almost opposite. (sounding somewhat familiar...?)

 

i have no idea what advice to give - in fact, i can't give advice. i've been analyzing and fighting these feelings for three years, and it doesn't get any easier. unfortunately, as the feelings grow stronger, which they inevitably will, they do become harder to fight.

 

another major similarity between your situation and mine - however it is that you know your "other," it sounds like you are not in a position to remove him from your life permanently. maybe he works with you, maybe there is some other reason that you can't avoid contact - mine is that my "other" is a close family friend. he is the godfather of my son, he is one of my husband's best friends... in short, he is irremovable. which sadly for you and i means we can't simply leave them behind and forget. the only option is to deal with the emotions, and try to make an intelligent and somewhat objective decision on how to proceed.

 

and normally here is where my logic falls apart. i read your first post, and almost cried because i can hear in your words the pain that follows you daily - i know it well... we love our husbands and our families very deeply. (i've only been married for three years, but also have two small children.) you don't want to hurt them, but at what point are you allowed to recognize this love that is growing inside you...? at what point are you allowed to just once be selfish and not selfless, and consider the possibility that maybe TRUE love waits in the "other's" arms, not the husbands...? you can feel yourself being pushed and pushed toward the "other," and even though you want to fight it, and you know its wrong, somewhere deep inside you know that you can't possibly fight it forever. you haven't come right out and said it, but maybe you've thought, as i have, that life would almost be better without either the husband or the "other," rather than with both.

 

i will tell you this - you are blessed that the "other" is willing to be open and honest about his feelings for you, and you at least don't have to be in the dark about his advances or his motivations. i have recieved signals from the "other," including one kiss, that he feels as strongly as i do, but won't speak openly to me about it for fear of damaging the already fragile relationship that exists between myself, himself and my husband -who we both love very much.

 

consider this: openness and honesty with your husband about all of this could be your greatest release, or your biggest downfall. i don't know your husband - but you do... i know that one VERY long weekend of complete, sometimes brutal, honesty with my husband about this brought everything out in to the light, put all three of us in a position to continue with candid honesty about the situation, and did somewhat ease the situation - to a point. honesty won't make the feelings go away, but it can take away that dirty, guilty feeling you have when you stop and think that you have kept a very big secret from your life partner... thankfully, my husband is my best friend, and our relationship is new enough that we were able to lay it out on the table, and choose to be together while we try to work through it... but don't think i'm saying that makes it any easier - its not. but i can sleep at night knowing that if he comes home from work some night and finds me dissolved in tears, i don't have to come up with an excuse - he just knows why...

 

here's where i would suggest that you gently and lovingly suggest again to your husband that counseling may be a good option. again, you know your husband better than anyone, but maybe if he sees in you a genuine desire to work through this rough spot, he'll be open to the idea that some mediation and guidance might help the process move more smoothly - and more productively. (i.e. with less fighting...)

 

i'm sorry for the length of the post - its just so encouraging to know that someone else is out there knowing what i'm going through... i have so much more i want to say, to discuss with you... i'd love to talk more, and share any insight that you may have gained from the experience this far, maybe discuss some specific ideas on how to make it through this on a day to day basis. hopefully sharing my thought process this far with you will give you some small measure of peace...

 

thanks for being out there, and don't give up...