lkay1202 Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 I have been involved with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years. He is 24 and I am 28 and I also have a 9 year old daughter. for the second year of our relationship my boyfriend was away at college. He was home most weekends but away at school all week. When he was home he lived with us. I just found out 2 days ago that he cheated on me when he was at school for about 3/4 months. He admitted it when I confronted him but he also told me that he wasn't going to tell me ever because since that point he has graduated and we have moved in together and things have been pretty good. I am at a total loss as where to go from here. I love him, he is like a father to my daughter and my best friend. He told me he cheated because he felt like I had so much more life experience than him (it's true) and he just wasn't happy with himself or us. In his defense he was young and at college but that still does not give him a reason to do what he did. Like I said this happened 2 years ago. and I am now confused, hurt, don't know what to do next. For now he has moved out but I don't want this to be over. I love him and I really do believe it won't happen again but its hard to forgive completely and not think about what he did so long ago. I don't want to be the stupid girl who takes back the cheater but lately we were heading in the right direction and should I really just throw it all away?? thank you to any advice i might receive. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 3, 2007 Share Posted June 3, 2007 Well, you've now learned that your bf is a man who can: 1) Lie to you (by omitting the truth, and directly) without blinking an eye 2) Cheat on you without ever telling you about it 3) Put your physical health at risk by cheating on you (get tested for STD's, btw) 4) Believe what you don't know won't hurt you (he never intended to tell you what he did) 5) Put his selfish (and immature) needs before the health of your relationship and before your best interests (he cheated because he wanted to 'catch up' with you in terms of experience - very immature and envious/jealous viewpoint) 6) Betray you and think he's justified and feel no remorse because, since he stopped cheating, things have been good between you 7) Allow his low self-esteem to justify him doing things behind your back that hurt you 8) Allow his unhappiness in your relationship to justify doing things behind your back that hurt you Does that really sound like a best friend to you? Does that sound like a man with honor and integrity? Does that sound like the kind of man who you want to help raise your daughter? Would you want her to one day be involved with a man like him who did what he did to you? Can you be sure he won't turn to another woman when you have relationship issues in the future (if he feels neglected, his needs aren't being met in some way, etc.) instead of talking to you about those issues and resolving them? If your answer is no, then I think you know what you have to do. I don't want to be the stupid girl who takes back the cheater but lately we were heading in the right direction and should I really just throw it all away?? HE is the one who threw it away when he cheated on you for months and lied about it. He had to have considered he would lose you if you ever found out about his cheating, and he did it anyway...so he must have been ok taking the risk of losing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lkay1202 Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Thank you. your concern helps but it's not that easy to just let go, you know? Anyone else have advice? I am just so lost right now. I never post anything I just thought mabye some outside advice would be helpful. It's just so painful to be going through this(i'm sure some of you reading this know where i'm coming from) Is it possible for someone to change? Is it to late to save the relationship?? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedSarah Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 How did you find out he cheated on you 2 years ago? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lkay1202 Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Her friend found me online and contacted me. I confronted him and he admitted it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Thank you. your concern helps but it's not that easy to just let go, you know? Anyone else have advice? I am just so lost right now. I never post anything I just thought mabye some outside advice would be helpful. It's just so painful to be going through this(i'm sure some of you reading this know where i'm coming from) Is it possible for someone to change? Is it to late to save the relationship?? Well, I do know exactly where you're coming from. My ex blended girlfriends in the beginning of our relationship - he didn't break up with the woman he was seeing until a few months after he and I started seeing each other. I didn't find out until two years later. And I tried to forgive, and I tried to work through it, and I tried. But in the end, I cut him loose because I couldn't trust him, and I didn't believe in him. A man who could lie to me like that, and who could treat me (and her) with such disrespect was not a man with integrity, and was not a man I could see myself with forever. I loved him very much, but now I knew that he was capable of pulling crap like that for his own selfish reasons. I knew he was capable of hurting me for his own selfish reasons. And I knew I couldn't handle always wondering if he would pull something like that again for his own selfish reasons. It's your call, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedSarah Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I found chat logs on my computer from my ex boyfriend talking to one of he's ex girlfriend online. When I confronted by asking if he still communicated with he's ex girlfriends though messnger, phone, email, he said "no, I don't talk to them any more" when I think about it now it makes me laugh I think its good that your guy admitted that he cheated, but what is worrying that he would not have told you... I think its up to you to decide what you feel comfortable with doing. You could have a bit of a 'break' to figure out what you would like to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lkay1202 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thank you for your replys. We are on a "break" right now but I still have absolutely no clue what I am going to do now. I still love him so much you know? It's just so hard, thats all I can say. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thank you for your replys. We are on a "break" right now but I still have absolutely no clue what I am going to do now. I still love him so much you know? It's just so hard, thats all I can say. I know how you feel...and it's hard. You don't have to do anything right now. Give him plenty of time without you to think very deeply about what he's done and the choices he made. He needs to 'get it', really, really get it, that he did something that was completely selfish and wrong, a huge betrayal. Unless he truly gets it - and regrets it - and understands that lying and cheating hurts you and is the worst way to deal with insecurities or issues he has, there's no point in getting back together with him, ever. ...because, maybe you left that part out, but I didn't read anything in your posts that indicate he understands the 'wrongness' of what he did, or how it's hurtful to you, or that he regrets doing it. Did it make him feel good to even up the sexual experience score a little? Has he gotten past that insecurity, or does he still feel bad that you've had more experience than him? Is he going to cheat again to even up the score some more? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lkay1202 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 I think that he thought it would "even up the score" Which is totally immature I know (he was 22 and in college ) he was a "good boy" when he was in high school(I was not)he was only with 2 girls before we got together(one of them for 3 years) and was very innocent so i'm sure college was a shock to the system. He also was very quickly thrown into the role of father to a child that wasn't his when he was 20(by choice, I never forced him, ever) I also believes that he does realize he was wrong and he really does feel horrible about it. That however, does not excuse his behavior one bit and it will still take a very long time to earn back my trust, if ever. I know this post is kind of confusing, i'm just trying to get all my thoughts out at once Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 I also believes that he does realize he was wrong and he really does feel horrible about it. Be very careful with this belief. He might just feel horrible because he got caught...did he feel horrible when he was cheating? Or for the last two years knowing that he cheated but you didn't know? Did he feel guilty lying to you these last two years? Did he feel at all guilty or remorseful before you found out? Would he have felt horrible if you hadn't found out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lkay1202 Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 I honestly do not know the answer to any of those questions. He can pretty much tell me what I need to hear now, but who knows what the truth really is?? We are going to talk tonight so hopefully I will have some answers Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 I honestly do not know the answer to any of those questions. He can pretty much tell me what I need to hear now, but who knows what the truth really is?? We are going to talk tonight so hopefully I will have some answers I know you can't know the answers - I just want to give you some things to consider because it's very easy for a liar (which is what he is: someone who has lied to you easily for two years) to continue lying and manipulating you with his words in order to try to get what he wants. Think back to that time period when he was cheating. How was he with you? Did your relationship change at all? Was he more distant with you? Or did he act like nothing at all was wrong or different? How has your relationship been since that time? If he can behave like everything's a-ok while cheating, then you really have to be careful not to take what he says at face value. If he can completely set aside his deception and pretend like nothing happened and just forget about it, then again, you have to be careful with a guy like because he's not truly understanding what he did. Also, lying and cheating aside, consider his reason for doing so. Instead of talking to you about it, he took things into his own hands and came up with what he thought was a good solution. Does he avoid talking to you about his issues? Does he communicate his needs to you? Is avoiding discussion about something that made him feel so insecure typical for him? All stuff for you to think about, and maybe ask directly of him. Link to post Share on other sites
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