ConfusedInNE Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Here is the situation: My now ex-wife and I dated for four years and were married for four years. She and I started having marital problems when our daughter (now 28 months old) was born. She was born three months premature and was in the hospital for 87 days. It was very stressful on us and our marriage was never the same since. After that, things started going well for both of us at work and we decided to upgrade homes. We bought a much larger home and started our "new" life together. However, last summer, I ran into a tough streak at work (full commission) and financially ran into a tough position. I used our HELOC (home equity line of credit) to try and make ends meet from my side without going to her and being honest. I didn't try to hide it but wasn't outright honest with her either. When she found out about it, it devistated her and broke her trust. I started to pay it back and tried to help but it didn't really help. This past February, she slept with one of our mutual friends in a drunken encounter, once only, but it did happen (although I didn't know). We grew further and further apart from that point on and she officially filed for divorce on March 13th of this year claiming that she wasn't happy and wasn't in love with me. I wasn't shocked that she filed even though I didn't know about the affair. She did not have any physical contact with this guy after the one night until April 1st of this year, they only spoke by email or phone (an emotional affair). It was then that I found out about the affair. Then the divorce started to get ugly fighting over custody of our 2 year old daughter. OK, now here is the stickler...Our divorce was official on May 21st. Since then, her relationship with this other guy has started to fade and she's not happy with it as it seems to be only physical (or has been). I've also had sex with one other person but only a couple of times and it was a friend of mine that had no future. Over the past week, we've been seeing more of each other and going out together with our daughter to dinners, the zoo, shopping, etc. We've now had sex with each other twice and seem to be getting along great. Now that we are divorced, we don't have a lot of the stress that we did before. I called her today and we spoke about all of this and how we are feeling. She is feeling the same way as I am but still is wondering where things stand with this other guy (the affair guy). She's playing volleyball with him tonight and is going to have a conversation with him about things... What do I do? I do want her back and feel that I can forgive her for what she did. I think we can truly be happy together and that we do truly love each other (she has told me she still loves me too). I told her how I felt and that I was starting to rekindle my feelings for her over the past week. I want her to make the choice and to put me out of my misery, either way that she chooses. HOWEVER, am I again giving her too much power, that she gets to choose??? Do I really even want her back or am I blinded by having someone again since I haven't really had anyone else beyond her in my life for the past 8 years, emotionally like a significant other is. Can something like this truly work out??? please help!!! ConfusedInNE Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 She cheated on you. She can do it again. My question to you is even if you got back together, would you be able to trust her again? I wouldn't. The resentment would be too much for me to deal with on a daily basis. Do you love and respect yourself? If so, you'll break off the relationship with her. One thing I have learned that helps a lot: "Give her the gift of missing you." You are feeding her emotionally and physically at the cost of your own emotions. Is it worth it? What has she suffered from her betrayal to you? It seems to me, nothing. Your best bet. Go to a PROFESSIONAL Marriage Counselor and see what he/she says about this situation. My guess is a lot of your self respect has been lost and once it is lost, it's nearly impossible to regain. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedInNE Posted June 4, 2007 Author Share Posted June 4, 2007 Thanks CaliGuy...Don't get me wrong, we've both suffered greatly during this time. She has had to pay me a fairly large amount of money during the divorce due to her making much more than I do. She's had to see her daughter now want me in her life more than her and want to be at daddy's house more than hers. She's had to see me go and buy the house that she's always wanted. She's had to see me go out with my friends and have family get togethers, etc. She doesn't have these opportunities like I do. She doesn't have nearly the amount of friends or family that I do and they aren't as close. In return, I've had to see her have this relationship with another guy and have had my heart broken. I don't know what is worse. Ultimately, SHE made the decision to cheat on me and SHE made the decision to have the divorce. That is why I'm so confused right now. I can feel myself falling for her again and I really don't want to but I can't help what my heart is telling me. I can't do no contact or anything like that as we see each other regularly with our daughter. I'm so lost right now I don't know what to do. I'm making an appointment with my counselor tomorrow to see her and try to get help. I just need to think through this and clear my head and I appreciate you listening and giving me advice. Thank you, Ryan Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 The Counselor will help you a lot. I suggest seeing her a few times a week to help walk you through what is best for you. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
reef man Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 What do I do? I do want her back and feel that I can forgive her for what she did. I think we can truly be happy together and that we do truly love each other (she has told me she still loves me too). I told her how I felt and that I was starting to rekindle my feelings for her over the past week. I want her to make the choice and to put me out of my misery, either way that she chooses. HOWEVER, am I again giving her too much power, that she gets to choose??? Do I really even want her back or am I blinded by having someone again since I haven't really had anyone else beyond her in my life for the past 8 years, emotionally like a significant other is. Can something like this truly work out??? please help!!! ConfusedInNE If she is bold enough to screw one of your mutual friends, then she will do it again. Getting drunk isn't an excuse. All it does is help people let their guard down to do something they would have liked to have done in the first place. I guess if you were to take her back there should be some ground rules. Like no more drinking for her. She has already proven she can't be trusted and if drinking is the excuse, then eliminate that excuse. I personally think the only reason you two are talking is because things with her OM fell through. If it was still hot and heavy, you wouldn't be in contact with her in this way. If it were me, I'd move on. I know you think you have feelings for her, but if she gets back in the home and things start to become the same old same old for her, she will stray again. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 You two had some giant trials that made things extremely tough in your marriage. I've never gone through those things, but it looks like the marriage had some major tests in a very short time. It sounds as if you are both willing to work on a relationship again, this is key. But I absolutely think if it's to be, then you two need to see a marriage counsellor together, if possible, to rebuild trust and make a new foundation. At the very least, you'll get an idea of whether it can work as a marriage again. Good luck to both of you, and your child. I guess to me I see a spark of hope. Link to post Share on other sites
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