How can I overcome my social anxieties?

[sveltskye]

I have had problems with social anxiety since my freshman year in high school. I had a horrible time that year and had many serious problems with anxiety- for example, I'd have anxiety attacks at school and cry before school all the time because I was so scared to have to go and talk to people. I was severly depressed too because I was so afraid and had virtually no friends. I was afraid that I'd never be able to make friends again.

 

I managed to recover in the following years and make a good group of friends in high school. I've come a long way since then. I'm a junior in college now, and I'm no longer afraid to talk to people for the most part, but I still never fully recovered from my traumatic experiences that year and sometimes issues still come up for me, and this is especially true when it comes to dating. I didn't have any male friends in high school and I've just gotten to the point that I am starting to make guy friends. I met a guy on my school's online dating site and I was so scared to call him when he gave me my number that I started crying and couldn't bring myself to do it until the next night. And occasionally when I meet people unexpectedly or if I've been thinking about them a lot and really want to make a good impression I'll have severe nervous reactions- for example, after I dated and was rejected by that guy, I saw him at the bus stop unexpectedly and got so nervous that he noticed and commented I was shaking.

 

Sometimes I feel like this really hinders my ability to make a good impression and show my true personality around people. And I get really depressed and down on myself when I feel like I didn't make the best impression I could, or when I feel like I acted "weird" or unnatural. I feel like it controls me sometimes, and that really gets me down.

 

Does anybody have any advice for me to deal with this? I've really had trouble forming close bonds since I got out of high school and now it feels like I have these reactions whenever I really want to make friends with somebody. I've really been feeling the lack of a close knit group of friends lately, but it seems so illusive- like I care so much, but its so hard to get people to want to get to know me really well.

[kyraj516]

Hey,

 

I understand where you're coming from. I went through the same thing at a point in my life...but overcame it by having people to talk to. Like my mom, and I even saw a therapist. I had good days and bad days in school. No one picked with me, I stood up for myself and all that...but inside I just felt so isolated and sometimes alone. People would try to connect with me, I'd talk...but never fully let go. Now today...I have a few friends that I'm cool with. And I see people I went to school with and say hey and all that. You're 22 and a junior in college. Good for you. My fears held me back for a long time. I was dropping in and out of college. I'm a junior in college now @ 27. I felt bad about that...like I had wasted time...but I'm not stressing. Some people go back to college at 67. Anyway, my point is...you are stronger than you think. As I know that I am too. You just have to focus on you. First ask yourself, if you even enjoy your own company. Do you not like yourself so much that you NEED a GROUP of Friends? Spend time being with yourself...but do things. And do you have family? Maybe siblings, or cousins that you can hang with from time to time, or your mom...my mom is my best friend. I hang with my fam a lot...we have a great time. A lot of people do. Everyone has outside friends...but my fam are like close friends. And it's not a weak comment...because everybody aren't friends just because they're related. ;-) Or sometimes go to the campus and chill in an area where there's a lot of traffic. Your confidence will attract people. Don't think about what they're thinking. Just do what u do. You like to read? Get a good book and go down to the campus (dressed cute-lol) and read there. Just get out. Take a drive get some fresh air. Smile. Work out. Working out is good if you're feeling depressed. It helps to build up Serotonin (the happy chemical) in your body. So don't worry about getting "a lot" of friends. No one has like 15 or 20 friends...not real ones anyway. Take your time...and you'll meet a good friend...and later a guy. (i responded to ur other post too, that's why i mentioned the guy thing)

so...Be happy, Keep ur peace, and Stay fly. good luck girl.

 

[JCD]

I think there are two parts of you. One part is your self consciousness, ie. your view of you and your inner thoughts. The other part is how others view you thru interactions with them. I think when both parts are filled we're a whole person. I think your problem is that the part of how others see you is not clear to you yet and thus no wonder you're anxious. My suggestion to you is to talk to as many people as you can so you can develop your outer part that will also change your inner part and make you whole.

 

For example, say on the inside you view lot of things sarcastically. Then you bring that to the outside and you become sarcastic to the point of hurting others when you interact with them. Once you realize it's not working for you to be that sarcastic with others, you modify your outer self and that also will affect your inner self because the next time you talk to people, you'll be taking ideas from your inner self to the outer self and since your inner self is now modified, your outer self will become better and people will like you more. I know all this inner self and outer self sounds like that Three's company TV show episode with the Guru from Big Sir but I kind of see this in myself so it's not all that far fetched.

 

About rejections, the more rejected you get the more you'll learn from them and it won't be such a big deal to you then. You won't over analyze it and have it ruin your life. However, rejections are still hard to take and what you feel ie. shaking, is perfectly normal. Heck, when I see her, I'm overcome with emotions and shake so badly that it's funny. It's just nerves, been in love and withdrawals are like drug withdrawals, make you go nuts.

[sveltskye]

Thank you both for your replies. kyra, I do hang out with my family a lot and I love them. One of the reasons I've been so secluded I think is that I've lived with my sister and hung out with her almost exclusively. But now I'm moving away from her so I'm starting to get nervous . You had good advice though and I'll keep it in mind.

Thanks also for the Big Sur Guru stuff, JDC. It does make a lot of sense, and if you replace "sarcasm" with "insecurity" it pretty much fits. Thanks for the interesting outlook.