Advice: can't lose hope...

[ECman]

I've been reading this forum and it has helped me, so I decided to write a post and I have an open ear to advice. Here's my situation:

My girlfriend of almost 4 years broke up with me. Obviously I feel horrible and can barely do routine things, but I have been trying to stay strong and have been doing alright. We had many ups and downs, but overall things have been unbelievable for us. We recently moved to a new city, far from where we are both from because I am attending grad school, so she came to be with with me. After a few months she seemed to become more and more depressed and some problems arose in our relationship. She also missed her family and could not find a job in the field she wanted.

So about 3 weeks ago, she left and moved 1500 miles away to be with her family there. She didn't leave on bad terms at all, but I did pour out my emotions like never before. She says she needs time and space to decide what she wants. At first I called her all the time, but I have smartened up. I haven't called for 2 weeks or so, and she made a couple brief calls.

Our 4 year anniversary just came up, so I sent her an ellaborate package of gifts. Nothing expensive, but I put alot of heart and thought into it. She called and said she loved it.

When she was leaving, she didn't express much emotion but I know she was keeping it in because she is a very emotional person.

I guess besides just sharing my story, I wonder if the hope I have is realistic, and should I share this hope with her. 4 years is a long time, and I feel like she can't just leave with the intent of giving up. She must want to test it again to see what happens. But being so far away, seems to make it much more difficult. Thanks for any insight ?

[Bizzit]

I think that you should share with her how you feel. I think that you shouldnt hold back anything from her if you love her.

Moving to a new town away from friends and family and not being able to find a job she would like, would as well make her feel like she needed time to rethink about things.

4 years is a long time just to give up on. I would give her space that she needs to think about things because you really dont want her to come be with you if her heart dont want to be there.

Best of luck to you.

God Bless..

[Tony T]

Facts, according to YOU:

 

1. There were problems in your relationship.

 

2. There was a near break-up.

 

3. There have been many ups and downs.

 

4. She moved to be with you, got depressed, missed her family, couldn't find a job.

 

5. She says she needs time and space to figure out what she wants (a very bad sign.)

 

6. She moved back home.

 

7. She calls you once in a while, perhaps out of guilt...maybe whatever. If she genuinely cared about you, the two of you wouldn't be playing games and would be talking more often....she wants SPACE.)

 

8. If she really cared about you, she would show some emotion...not keep things to herself. If she's holding it in, that means she's trying to get rid of it...not comfortable displaying it to you.

 

The above does not describe the ideal situation, in my opinion.

 

I think she had a lot of hope for this and that's why she moved to be with you. She wasn't happy and that's why she moved back. I don't have the feeling her head is screwed on all that great.

 

You may be in love with this lady but she has no idea what love is. When the day comes when you can provide the perfect environment for her...plenty of money, a job, things to do, her family nearby, a better relationship, the space she needs, etc. maybe this would work for the two of you.

 

You may have spent four years with her but my gut feeling is that you may be in love with her but she's the wrong lady. It takes a lot more than love to have a good relationship. This is not the type of female who will stick by you and try to make things work and have a positive attitude about it. Of course, I've only heard your side of the story. People don't usually move back to mama and daddy unless they are pretty darned unhappy. Perhaps her expectations were way too high as well...you don't need somebody like that either.

 

Go find yourself a lady who will stick by you and won't demand perfect conditions throughout life.

 

But, yes, you want this particular lady back because you are so in love with her. So back off, continue doing what you're doing. And prepared to have your heart broken again, squashed, grinded, pulverized, etc. because, I'm telling you, this lady cares for nobody but herself. You'll see that one day.

[Dragonflys]

I don't think anything about your situation sounds positive.

 

Most of the time people in a relationship will stick it out as long as they can when things do not feel right, and women, especially, will often not even let on that things are going bad for fear of hurting their partners feelings. They will try and try until they can't stand it any more. By then the relationship is far far gone.

 

It sounds like you are a very considerate guy and do the best you can for her, but she is simply the wrong woman for you. The fact she only calls you for brief periods suggests a lot already there. If she still felt a lot for you those phone calls would have been a lot longer and deeper. No amount of thought into presents will bring that back either.

 

If I was in your situation what I would learn from this is that I would need to communicate more during a relationship so that things never get to this point again. Never get lost in your own ideologies.

 

Hey and get back out there, there are tons of women looking for considerate guys!!

 

Oliver

[ECman]

Thanks for the input everbody, I really appreciate it.

I am maintaining hope at least in the short term.

I know it's hard to describe a situation well and still keep it relatively short, so I might not of explained everything so well.

 

We did break up completely, it just wasn't on bad terms. She has only been gone three weeks and she calls a couple times a week and we talk, but just not nearly as long as we used to or as in depth. She wants some space and I do think it is BS, but I am trying to be understanding so I don't push her away and so she doesn't get irritated with me and hopefully misses.

 

She didn't go back home, but is spending some time with the other side of her family that she didn't get to see much in the past (her parents are divorced). Her brother is getting married soon and she is in the wedding, so maybe that will make her think more about the 4 years we had together and working it out.

 

As I read on this forum before, after some time in a relationship people take each other for granted and I now I realize how much I took her for granted. Even though I wasn't a total jerk, I didn't appreciate all the wonderful things she did for me or let her know as often as I should have what she meant to me. I just want her to know that I won't make many of the same mistakes and for her to give me the chance to show her.

 

As I got older and more mature, I realized more and more that she was not just another girlfriend to me, but the woman I want to spend my life with. She is a great girl and we have had a great 4 years together, I just think this is a rough spot.

[diaminstar11]

I know things seem rough now, but they will get easier in time. That's a promise. If you really love her and she still loves you then there is still ac hance fo rthe 2 of you. No one can tell the future.

 

As long as she knows how you feel, there really is not much else you can do. keep your head up. As with the presents, it is the tought that counts. I would rather have flowers on my table instead of diamonds around my neck.

 

Taking someone for granted is a mistake many guys make. Some girls can deal with it and other can't. You just have to think about it from her point of view.

 

You do have to remember, even though she did do the leaving, I'm sure she's hurting too. After a four year relationship, it is kinda difficult to not care.

 

You just have to make the extra effort right now to prove to her that you really do want her by your side.