Can't have others know he has a girlfriend

[daf]

I've been together with this man for a little over a year now, but prior to that we had been friends for over a decade. While we were just friends, he had made some new, mostly-female friends, all of whom I've never met or met just once. As we were just friends before, it was not inappropriate that I not know his other friends. But now that we've been a couple for a good amount of time, I think it's reasonable that I want to be included in some of his activities with them, or that I at least have a chance to become friends with them as well. He, however, hasn't even told any of them that we are a couple. He call me his girlfriend when speaking with me, but does not want those others to know that he has a girlfriend. When one of them calls him on his cell when I'm around, he doesn't answer; he waits until later, when he's alone, to call her back. When one invites him out to dinner or some social event, he declines when he knows he's going to be spending that time with me, but he doesn't explain this reason to her nor does he even consider the possibility of "going and bringing along his girlfriend." If I'm tied up and unable to spend time with him, he will hang out with one of them (only if she contacts him, however -- he usually won't reach out first) but never let her know that he's out because he's got some "free time from his girlfriend." He tells me that he simply can't tell them; that's not how he "works" (I'm his first long-term girlfriend, btw). This situation really bothers me, but when I bring it up with him he gets really, really upset that I don't "understand" this about him, to the point that we almost break up. Is this an impossible situation?

[polywog]

Welcome to LS, daf.

 

It's not respectful, it's immature of him, and says "I want to keep my options open", whether it's true or not.

 

When you try to discuss it with him, is it more of an accusation/confrontation or a "let's sit down and talk about this, I don't understand why you do this, it bothers me and makes me feel dissed, how come you do this"?

 

If he won't listen to your side, or have sympathy, or have the ability to listen to you, then maybe it is impossible. And a good reason to leave him, painful as that may be. You are entitled to be treated with respect, and being in a relationship where you aren't is not good.

[daf]

Thank you for your opinion; it actually confirmed what I was already thinking, but was too afraid to accept. I needed to hear it from someone else. I spoke to him briefly about it again -- I wasn't intending on pushing it, but I thought that maybe he had some thoughts about the situation -- but when he responded with something like, "well, if that's how a relationship is supposed to be, then maybe I'm not ready for a relationship" (he said it sincerely, not in a defensive way) I lost it and pretty much broke up with him on the spot. I'm not completely sure if that was the right thing to do -- I feel incredibly sick, I'm completely lost, and writing this post is about the only thing I can bring myself to do -- but at the same time I thought that, if I let this go again like I have before, I'd just end up prolonging this end. I feel like my world is caving in now, though, as I truly do love him. But he insisted that he could never change.

[LoveLace]

You did the right thing daf. It's hard but you know that this man is obviously not capable of meeting all the needs you desire. Later, you will be so glad that you ended it now, instead of waiting. You are strong in realizing that he will not change his ways for you; nor will he for anyone at this point. But I hope he realizes what he is giving up on, and I hope he looks on that with regret later! Everytime you think of giving him another chance...just remember when he insisted that he won't change. Remember how it made you feel to be so discluded from the rest of his life. You know you deserve better and that is why you did what you did.

 

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end!!