WhatJustHappened Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Last night I had a little ED incident. Didn't used to happen often at all, but when it does happen, my wife gets very bent out of shape. If I don't get hard and stay hard, she gets angry, then she gives me the cold shoulder for a couple of days. It only makes it worse, because it has become the one thing I now worry about the most and that in itself makes it all that much worse. There's no talking to her. I've resorted lately to getting Cialis just so I don't have to worry about it. Anyone else deal with this? How do you deal with it? Link to post Share on other sites
mockeryjones Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 well if she is going to get pissed at you about it anyway you might as well tell her it's becuase her ass has gotten too big. no sense in taken the crap without at least being able to get a good chuckle out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 She needs to be more understanding and supportive, and help you through this so YOU don't feel bad about it, not giving you the cold shoulder and take it personally. This has nothing to do with her and what you feel for her, both emotionally and sexually. If it does happen again, you have fingers and a tongue to satisfy her so don't feel too pressured. Just wish she wouldn't treat you like crap about it. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 That's harsh! Your W should be a little more understanding. I'm sure you have told her its normal, it happens, its not her yadda yadda yadda. She needs to stop being so insecure, easier said than done. When I was very young ED happened to my first boyfriend and I automatically thought it was me not being attractive enough (I know, I was only 17 though!). But he made the comparison that the few days after my period I cant get very "wet" even though I may be turned on and still want to make love to him etc. It brought it home for me Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Geez! My first thought was, "You poor bast*rd!" I can't imagine someone's spouse not understanding about that, if your relationship is otherwise healthy and loving. Is there more to it than that? Any bad blood between you and the W that you are not telling us about? Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I'm so immature my W never gets to play with it soft. I still get hard-ons at work like I used to in high school. Your wife should be more understanding. I would bust her balls and say 'Let's see if you can get it up. I bet you lost your touch.' If she storms out of the room, get it hard and pull out a pic of Bea Arthur and tell her 'Look! If she can do it, why cant you?' How old are you BTW? Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Are you sure she understands what is going on? Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I'm so immature my W never gets to play with it soft. I still get hard-ons at work like I used to in high school. Your wife should be more understanding. I would bust her balls and say 'Let's see if you can get it up. I bet you lost your touch.' If she storms out of the room, get it hard and pull out a pic of Bea Arthur and tell her 'Look! If she can do it, why cant you?' How old are you BTW? Well I am sure since you still get hard-ons like in high school that makes this gent feel better;). Whichwayisup, That has really got to hurt. I am a 38 year old man and I must admit this has happend to me on occasion since I lost my virginity at 16. I have had my share of ladies and can recall one instance where the woman complained..( I think the others just kept it in better..lol). The girl that did become vocal thought I was not into her, I was ... well sorta anyways. It's just one of those things. Even my new wife (Married Thursday)has had to experience the dreaded Mr. Softy. Either I swallow my pride and ask for a little help or better yet she starts caressing my back and kissing me passionately which always causes renewed vigor! The way your wife is handling it will only make it worse. Hell @#$% like this will cause resentment if you do not work this out. One of the other posters asked if there is something else going on between you two and I have to wonder the same. It is either that or... and pardon me for saying so, but I will put it nicely... SHE IS A REAL PIECE OF WORK!! Thomas (Who gets hard if the wind blows from the North) Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I really don't see how it's that surprising that your wife freaks out. I assume when you are errect then she feels that is because you want her and she turns you on, if so then it would make sense that the opposite was true, if you are not errect then you she must not turn you on. It's not that surprising that one would come to that conclusion. Is anything else going on? Has this been a problem in the past or is it a new occurance? What steps have you taken to make her feel more secured or desired. So if it goes down during love making she should not assume that it is her fault or your lack of desire for her, and that there is no explainable reason, but now you expect her to make it better, fix it. So if you were making love to your wife and she suddenly said, gosh I lost it, do something, no it's not you, but do something, no not that, no that's not working either, but its really really not you, just keep trying, you would be fine with that? If women had to "get it up" to have sex, then you could bet men's egos would be tarnished when they couldn't get their wives up. I don't know the answer, cialis probably isn't a bad idea, does that seem to help? If you read through some threads here, you will find there a lot of men whose wives aren't even interested when they can get it up, maybe that will help make your situation seem a little better in comparison. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I'd be tempted to pop a tablet.. get a nice hard one and wack off in front of her..leaving her entirely out of the picture.. After I was done I would put my pants on and go downstairs and let her fry about it.. Seriously though... It seems like she needs to be educated on ED some.. She must be thinking of it as a rejection and doesn't understand that it isn't her.. You need to educate her.. talk with her get some understanding from her going and get her to drop her selfishness some... Link to post Share on other sites
reef man Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Last night I had a little ED incident. Didn't used to happen often at all, but when it does happen, my wife gets very bent out of shape. If I don't get hard and stay hard, she gets angry, then she gives me the cold shoulder for a couple of days. Wow, what an understanding and supportive wife you have there.....NOT! Seriously, she doesn't sound like much of a wife to get angry about it. Does she think getting angry about it is going to help you through this? Like you said, you now worry about it. I wonder what she'd say if you told her she isn't sexy enough to keep you hard? Link to post Share on other sites
reef man Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Your wife should be more understanding. I would bust her balls and say 'Let's see if you can get it up. I bet you lost your touch.' If she storms out of the room, get it hard and pull out a pic of Bea Arthur and tell her 'Look! If she can do it, why cant you?' LMFAO!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I assume when you are erect then she feels that is because you want her and she turns you on, if so then it would make sense that the opposite was true, if you are not erect then you she must not turn you on. What steps have you taken to make her feel more secured or desired. I kinda have to agree with the above. There have been no statements here about COMMUNICATION between them - you're all just assuming she's this insensitive biatch. I've had this happen to me before, and it hurt my feelings. He would basically just stop whatever we were doing, 'give up' so to speak. No efforts to continue the play-time in other ways (of which there are many!), or to reassure me that limpy wasn't my fault. He'd get out of bed and move on as though he had just finished reading the paper, leaving me there naked, unsatisfied, and feeling very insecure. It wasn't until 5 or 6 tries later that he basically was like, "Oh yeah, this happens all the time, hope you can deal." See, when a guy doesn't express that it's a physical 'malfunction' and doesn't have anything to do with the woman, it's pretty damn easy for a woman's feelings to get hurt because it's our understanding that the lack of a hardon means that he's not attracted. Thinking someone's not attracted to you while you're rolling around with them naked ain't fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 So here we are. He is feeling bad very embarrassed because Mr Happy isn't acting very happy. She is also feeling very bad because she thinks Mr Happy doesn't like in her happy place. Time to take the high road here. and havea heart to heart before you take your cloths off. I do understand how you woman feel when he can't get erect. I'm sure it is a blow to her sexuality and her feminine ego. Now just imagine how men feel when they are constantly sexually rejected by a SO. It does hurt the male ego. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 See, when a guy doesn't express that it's a physical 'malfunction' and doesn't have anything to do with the woman, it's pretty damn easy for a woman's feelings to get hurt because it's our understanding that the lack of a hardon means that he's not attracted. Thinking someone's not attracted to you while you're rolling around with them naked ain't fun. SG, I can understand your point, but she is his wife, for Pete's sake. If he wasn't attracted to her, they could just not have sex, like all the other married people on this board! Just kidding. But...kinda not. It's not like she's a ONS that he went home with with the beer goggles on and then comes to his senses and realizes she's really a crack-ho with only 2 teeth and a unibrow. (Not that there's anything wrong with that...) Sometimes, I think we women have to get over our, seemingly constant, (and exhausting) insecurity and need for our men to stroke our egos about our physical attractiveness. I mean, give the poor guy a break, already! He can't maintain his bone! How humiliating that must be! That is, barring the bad blood-disclaimer, as I stated, above. At least that is how I think today. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I really don't see how it's that surprising that your wife freaks out. I assume when you are errect then she feels that is because you want her and she turns you on, if so then it would make sense that the opposite was true, if you are not errect then you she must not turn you on. It's not that surprising that one would come to that conclusion. Is anything else going on? Has this been a problem in the past or is it a new occurance? What steps have you taken to make her feel more secured or desired. So if it goes down during love making she should not assume that it is her fault or your lack of desire for her, and that there is no explainable reason, but now you expect her to make it better, fix it. So if you were making love to your wife and she suddenly said, gosh I lost it, do something, no it's not you, but do something, no not that, no that's not working either, but its really really not you, just keep trying, you would be fine with that? Brutal and unfair assessment. I'm going to give the OP some credit and assume that he's not faking this to piss his wife off - he's having a physiological problem. My wife gets occasional and debilitating migraine headaches - should I assume that I must not turn her on since it means we won't be having sex? One standard that should apply here is that each partner should give the understanding and consideration that they would expect to receive were the roles reversed. Ouch !!! Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 If women had to "get it up" to have sex, then you could bet men's egos would be tarnished when they couldn't get their wives up. While they don't have to "get it up", women have to "give it up" to have sex. Much posting here on LoveShack as to the tarnished male egos that result when they won't... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 Sometimes, I think we women have to get over our, seemingly constant, (and exhausting) insecurity and need for our men to stroke our egos about our physical attractiveness. I mean, give the poor guy a break, already! He can't maintain his bone! How humiliating that must be! I don't think its HER constant insecurity. What exactly are we attributing the fact that he can't mantain a boner too??? She is automatically termed selfish, insecure, uncaring about his (masuline) feelings, WHY??? Because we should ALL know how insecure men are about the functioning of their winkies and respond in kind, but her feelings/insecurities about his lack of stiffness are unfounded? I think that is a very sexist attitude and I'm suprised that so many women subscribe to it. I'm not saying that she should feel that way, I'm saying that its completely understandable. So her feelings being hurt and her reactions make her an insensitive B*tch? I don't buy that. Ofcourse her feelings are hurt by it, in order to get around that you are going to have to explain to her that your arousal or lack of it has nothing to do with her or her attractiveness or her ability to satisfy you, good luck convincing her of that. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 While they don't have to "get it up", women have to "give it up" to have sex. Much posting here on LoveShack as to the tarnished male egos that result when they won't... Mr. Lucky I agree, that's a perfectly reasonable reason for the male to have his ego tarnished. You don't desire me enough to have sex with me, don't want to please me. But according to the poster this woman WAS having sex with him and was hurt because he had a flat during sex. I understand that that isn't controlable but I also understand that she would be hurt by it, feel responsible because she is taking responsibility for his pleasure. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 4, 2007 Share Posted June 4, 2007 I'm with IWWH here. If the wife feels like she's too unattractive to keep his... er... attention, she's liable to be reactive. That's not right, but it's an emotional response and probably not well thought out in advance. This would be something to talk about as a couple once tempers have cooled. We don't know what the wife believes in regard to 'why' this is happening. Is she just undereducated regarding ED?... or does she believe that the OP is somehow contributing behaviorally to the condition? For instance, a guy who's heavily into porn and masturbation is UNLIKELY to receive much sympathy from his woman upon losing his erection during intercourse. The key might be in finding out what's really going on in her head. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedButLoved Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Occasionally my husband goes soft if he has a headache or is very tired from work. I asked once or twice in the beginning if it had something to do with me or if I was doing something wrong, and he assured me it had nothing to do with me. Now when it happens I just keep playing with it as if it were still hard (orally or with my hands) and its back up in no time. Women unfortunately do take that stuff personally as if we arn't doing something right, but its no excuse to not be educated. Make sure you are assuring her that it has nothing to do with her and maybe look up online something about ED and show her from a medical POV what is going on. She also needs to know that if you are pressured about something you have no control over it will be harder for you to perform. Maybe even you two could talk to a Dr. and let a professional explain something about ED. Hope the best for you two! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 SG, I can understand your point, but she is his wife, for Pete's sake. If he wasn't attracted to her, they could just not have sex, like all the other married people on this board! Just kidding. But...kinda not. It's not like she's a ONS that he went home with with the beer goggles on and then comes to his senses and realizes she's really a crack-ho with only 2 teeth and a unibrow. (Not that there's anything wrong with that...) Sometimes, I think we women have to get over our, seemingly constant, (and exhausting) insecurity and need for our men to stroke our egos about our physical attractiveness. I mean, give the poor guy a break, already! He can't maintain his bone! How humiliating that must be! That is, barring the bad blood-disclaimer, as I stated, above. At least that is how I think today. There are plenty of threads on this forum where a longterm BF or H says he's no longer attracted to his GF/W. It does happen, unfortunately. Perhaps women do need to get over their insecurity, but wouldn't your logic in that regard also require the dudes who go limp to get over it when the woman is disappointed that the limp dick ain't going to be providing any orgasms for the evening/day/morning? How about give HER a break? Seriously though, all this sex talk of late is getting on my nerves. I'm in need of...well...you know. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Either your wife is a bitch or you're not telling her what the problem is. I mean, if you just don't get a hardon and you make it look like you're not in the mood and that's all, then she takes it personally and thinks that you lack desire for her. Why not tell her that sometimes you just can't do it, that it has nothing to do with her, that it might be a fluctuation of testosterone due to stress or other circumstances? Don't worry about the occasional ED thing. Many men have gone through it. If it's occasional then it's not a problem. Just don't hide from your wife what's going on. perhaps you will need to see a doctor and check your hormones and your health. This is like parents who force their child to study and criticize him for being lazy without knowing that the child has a learning disability. In this case, ignorance is a disaster - not a bliss! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I'm sorry, but didn't the OP say his wife got mad, not "hurt?" And then, to top it all off, she gives him "the cold shoulder" for days! OMG!!!! Hurt, I could understand, but angry? I think that's very harsh and brutal on her part. Good points and well said. Her anger assumes that the "problem" is something that he wanted to happen or had control over. I don't think either is the case... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Good points and well said. Her anger assumes that the "problem" is something that he wanted to happen or had control over. I don't think either is the case... I don't think he presented the situation truthfully to her - or to us. (Look at my post above) Link to post Share on other sites
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