How do I tell her??

[skinut2234]

My wife of 10 years has been gaining weight at a pretty consistant basis. I would say she is about 60-70lbs heavier then when we first met- I know this may sound shallow- but I am just not attracted to her anymore. I've suggested working out together etc etc,,, the message is not getting across to her that she needs to do something- It is affecting her entire attitude... I know she is aware of it.

[ConfusedButLoved]

Well I don't envy you're posistion at all! You are going to have to find a way to encourage her without making her feel unattractive and disgusting to you. You asked how you should tell her about her weight but really, what is there to tell? She knows she's gain't weight, especially if it is as much weight as you stated. If she doesn't want to do anything about it then there realy isn't anything you can do, I mean you can't lose it for her. Maybe you can take initiative to start doing the cooking and making low calorie meals.

 

Speaking as a women on a diet myself, it isn't easy if you feel like you're doing it alone. Maybe you have packed on a few pounds as well? Even if you haven't, making her feel like she has a partner will help alot! Maybe you guys could look into Weight Watchers so she will have somewhat of a support group of people like her trying to shed the weight.

 

Hope you guys the best!

[Star Gazer]

My live-in ex once told me during my first year of law school that I had gotten fat. I had, in fact, gained a whopping 5 pounds...and at that time, I was 113, so I was hardly "FAT." I wanted to poke his eyes out.

 

I'm honestly not sure how you could ever broach this subject without hurting her feelings, so just do it as kindly as possible - with the focus on her health, attitude, energy level, etc., and NOT on her appearance or attractiveness.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Skinut, does your W say she is unhappy with her weight gain? Is she less confident? Maybe more sexually inhibited? If that's the case and she does need support, I would go from that. Tell her you miss her being the sexy, confident woman she once was and ask her if her weight gain has affected her confidence in anyway. Tell her you want her to feel desirable again and work out with her, cook low fat meals, join a slimming club, anything it takes - and praise her - dont make her feel like you are watching every mouthful.

 

However, take heed! If she's not unhappy and is more confident being bigger, then really you should get some bullet proof glass. Maybe by telling her you would knock her confidence and make her think about being overweight. Then you would have a wife who is unhappy with herself, unhappy with how you feel about her and unhappy with what she looks like. I know which one I would prefer, a few pounds gained or not.

 

Do you pig out together? Is there areas of your life you could change which would help her also? Do you maybe walk together instead of watching the tv?

[disgracian]

You could try approaching it from a different perspective and say you are concerned, not about her appearance, but her health. Allude to the fact that you want to spend as much time together as possible and to do that you both have to adopt a healthier lifestyle (more exercise, less food) and hopefully if she agrees the problem will take care of itself.

 

Cheers,

D.

[PWSX3]

I know what you are going thru, my W is overweight & I used to get after her for it, but I have learned there is nothing you can do about it.

 

I have suggested that we go on walks, but she says I walk to fast. I have asked her to go to the gym with me but she always has an excuse.

 

It really hurts me to see her this way because I can see it is effecting her health, your sex life, & I feel it effects her whole life in general.

 

I try I fix healther food but she doesn't like eating good stuff, she would rather eat her chips & pop.......

 

I know it would be hard to have her write down what she eats, but if she is like my W she is more then likely eating way more then she really thinks she is eating & the times she is eating is probably not good as well.

 

I do like disgracian approach because I know you are concerned & are worried. You have to be supportive but that is very hard to do when you see your W not trying.

 

Maybe you could start out on short walks & tell her that you just want to spend some time with her away from the house, a slow walk will give you time to talk....

 

Does she like to ride bicycles?

[allina]

First figure out why she's gaining the weight.

[tanbark813]

First figure out why she's gaining the weight.

 

This is just a stab in the dark but I'm guessing not hitting the gym.

[allina]

This is just a stab in the dark but I'm guessing stuffing her face and not hitting the gym.

 

Well no kidding, let me clarify what I meant.

 

Is she going through some issue that is causing her to feel depressed and emotionally overeat. Some people turn to food when they are feeling down, if this is the case with the OP's wife he could first address the emotional issue that is causing her to overeat.

 

Has she drastically changed her lifestyle? Was she active in the past and then had to stop? Maybe she needs time to get back in to the gym.

 

Who cooks and chooses the meals each day? Are you requesting unhealthy dinners? How about you prepare a healthy mean once in a while?

 

If her weight gain bothers you take some responsibility in changing it.

[amerikajin]

This is just a stab in the dark but I'm guessing not hitting the gym.

 

He shoots, he scores!

[Fun2BMe]

I've suggested working out together etc etc,,, the message is not getting across to her that she needs to do something- It is affecting her entire attitude... I know she is aware of it.

 

She might be upset that you no longer find her attractive, and she might not like be heavier herself. Instead of focusing on losing weight, to which she is obviously resistent towards - might be to punish you for wanting her thinner even though she herself wants to be, or simply she doesn't have the strength or whatever - why don't you not focus on the weight loss and instead suggest activities 'for fun' that will also be cardiovascular, such as planning on going for a leisurely hike or walk and over time increasing the intesnity of the activities mutually. THis will naturally supress her appetite as well as burning fat and bringing you closer together.

[tanbark813]

 

He shoots, he scores!

 

Actually I said "stuffing her face and not hitting the gym".

[tanbark813]

That's because it was an insensitive and rude comment. Posters visit this particular board for real advice for real weight issues and it doesn't help when posters like you just want to mock and make fun. Being overweight is not a fun subject and having a loved one who is overweight is not fun, either and the original poster was just looking for support and he got your rude comments making light of his serious question asking for help. Then you insist on reposting it, just to make sure you get your "humor" out to the masses, your masses of the internet world "regulars." Hope you're proud.

Food for thought....if the original poster's problem was that his girlfriend had cancer and her hair was falling out from chemotherapy so she wasn't physically desirable to him anymore, would you have posted something like "throw a gunny sack over her head and bang away, pretend it's Kate Winslet?" Actually, I wouldn't put it past you.

 

 

First off, I was making light of allina's post. Secondly, cancer and being overweight are nowhere near the same thing. They're not even in the same ballpark. I'm not responsible for other people being overly sensitive.

[tanbark813]

I feel great about myself, thanks. And the bottom line is that if the OP's wife--or any overweight person for that matter--ate less and went to the gym more I guarantee they would lose weight. It's simple biology and nowhere near on par with cancer. It's ridiculous to even make the comparison.

[directx]

Well, here is my story.

I always have been struggling with my weight and have it under control and I am in the best shape I have ever been. When my W and I got engaged, she was gaining much weight. I was at my heaviest at this time too.

But the way to approach it is really the truth: I said I was worried about our health and we need to do something.

Well, I began losing it but she was not. But we were eating good.

Then we had kids, so I cut her a break. She is stay at home and had less freedom and I recognized that. It was easier for me to exercise.

Later we found out her thyroid is whacked. That messed up her metabolism which most likely caused the gain.

 

SHe would go through periods where she was overeating, but again I simply said you have to lose it for your health.

And she does care about her health so she is on her way losing but occaisionally needs a reminder.

 

It sucks marrying someone and they blow up, because as shallow as it may sound, looks are important and part of attraction. Call me shallow, I dont care. Deal with it.

 

If she said 'i dont care how I look', honestly, thats not someone i want to be with someone that is so selfish.

 

I pay now almost a $100 a month for her to go to the YMCA. Its expensive, but she is into it and i think its worth it if it makes her feel better about herself.

[directx]

It takes incredible discipline to continue an excercise that you dont like doing. For me, almost impossible.

Once you find something you like, it makes exercise much easier.

This would be my recommendation to anyone that hates exercise: find something you actually ENJOY doing other than something like riding an exercise bike mindlessly.

 

I would bet most people that profess 'losing weight is so easy' are pretty happily active, but in reality are fortunate enough to find something they enjoy doing.

[whichwayisup]

Not really, Tanbark, and if you think that it's simple for someone to just do that for someone who has emotional eating issues, then you have no business posting on this particular forum. You don't get it, you just want to make light and fun of the issue.

Also, why do you think your posts were 1. edited and 2. one was removed? The ones where you are making fun of fat people, I mean? Because you're an insensitive jerk who has nothing positive to contribute to help the Original Poster.

 

Scores what, being a rude and insensitive jerk who contributes nothing to the original poster who has already stated that she eats too much and doesn't go to the gym?

He scored in his attempt to make light of a posters real problem, and adds a laughing, smug smiley face to further run his joke into the ground?

 

So are you proud of yourself that your joke wasn't lost and that one of your posts was deleted and the other edited to make them appropriate for the board? Something to be proud of?

 

If you find something that upsets you, someone else's post, USE the alert us function instead of picking apart other posters replies. You are doing the same thing and in all honesty, HOW is this helping the original poster of this thread?????

 

I'm just saying...

 

You've been here long enough now to know what's what, so please don't act surprised that people go offtopic and make little jokes...

[reef man]

My wife of 10 years has been gaining weight at a pretty consistant basis. I would say she is about 60-70lbs heavier then when we first met- I know this may sound shallow- but I am just not attracted to her anymore. I've suggested working out together etc etc,,, the message is not getting across to her that she needs to do something- It is affecting her entire attitude... I know she is aware of it.

 

Well, gaining weight is one thing, gaining 70lbs?? I can understand about not being as attracted to that. Its not shallow. It would be shallow if she gained maybe 10 or 20. but 70 is a problem. And not just because of the way she looks, but her health more importantly.

 

One thing you might do is when you go shopping, try to change up your diet a bit. Lay off the regular pop, get diet. keep sweets and treats out of the house. and CAN the potato chips. that is a killer right there.

 

Start there. Cuz if you come right out and say, you are fat, you is in big twubble.

[whichwayisup]

Well, gaining weight is one thing, gaining 70lbs??

 

Encourage her to walk with you, on weekends and during the week maybe after supper. Be active together instead of making it JUST about her losing weight.

 

Definately change up your diet, buy more fruit, veggies and less carbs,cut out high fat (trans-fat) etc. You'd be surprised how quickly she'll lose some weight if she changes her eating habits, not only portions, but sticking to a routine of when to eat, drinking alot of water and doing yoga or walking.

[reef man]

Not really, Tanbark, and if you think that it's simple for someone to just do that for someone who has emotional eating issues, then you have no business posting on this particular forum. .

 

Actually, it is a simple as what tanbark said. I use to be about 30 pounds overweight. My problem, no exercise and eating crap all the time.

 

I am now down to my ideal weight and added muscle.

 

So it really is as simple as tanbark said. Only thing stopping someone from making the change is laziness. That was my problem, I was lazy. And I changed that.

[Storyrider]

Some people have other, deeper emotional issues and someone from the outside can't really say "simple as that." It's NOT as simple as that for some people, it is a much deeper emotional issue. Some people have been sexually abused in the past and are using obesity as their armor, in this woman's case it is a medical, as well as a possible emotional issue. Just because it was "as simple as that" for you,doesn't mean it is "as simple as that" (not "stuffing your face" as Tanbark so eloquently and sensitively put it with the smug, laughing smiley face, and hitting the gym). In addition, the original poster had already stated that he had encouraged his wife to exercise and eat healthier....so Tanbark's remarks were simply for his own chance to get a dig in at overweight people and have the chance to put up a smug smiley face with it to further grind in his non-point of digging just for pleasure.

Someone about a month ago kept posting over and over about how an obese man loses inches on his penis. This was intended specifically as a jab towards another poster. It wasn't posted as helpful information, it was posted as a personal attack. And it wasn't posted by tanbark.

[allina]

Well most people do become overweight because they love twinkies, pizza and fried foods.

[reef man]

Some people have other, deeper emotional issues and someone from the outside can't really say "simple as that." It's NOT as simple as that for some people, it is a much deeper emotional issue. Some people have been sexually abused in the past and are using obesity as their armor, in this woman's case it is a medical, as well as a possible emotional issue. Just because it was "as simple as that" for you,doesn't mean it is "as simple as that" (not "stuffing your face" as Tanbark so eloquently and sensitively put it with the smug, laughing smiley face, and hitting the gym). In addition, the original poster had already stated that he had encouraged his wife to exercise and eat healthier....so Tanbark's remarks were simply for his own chance to get a dig in at overweight people and have the chance to put up a smug smiley face with it to further grind in his non-point of digging just for pleasure.

 

I don't disagree with what you are saying at all.

 

But the fact is, there are alot of people that could lose the weight, but they don't want to change their lifestyle to do it.

 

So they have a choice, change their lifestyle and become healthier, or stay fat. I chose to be healthy and look like a freakin chippendale!

[Storyrider]

Oh, OK. The intentions of that thread were constructive and kind? If you say so. Lets ask the person it was directed toward if he was feeling the love.

 

Why don't you PM him and ask him? Hm?

 

And why did the mods delete that thread?

 

Also, why have you suddenly become so compassionate toward the obese? Have you gone through a recent change of heart? If I recall from the locked thread started by Blue Pheonix "How do you feel about fat people?" you were vehemently arguing the side tanbark is arguing now.

[amerikajin]

Scores what, being a rude and insensitive jerk who contributes nothing to the original poster who has already stated that she eats too much and doesn't go to the gym? He scored in his attempt to make light of a posters real problem, and adds a laughing, smug smiley face to further run his joke into the ground?

 

Yep - you got it right, Twinkies. He's being a rude and insensitive jerk on a website and I happen to think he's f*cking hilarious. If he were actually insulting someone directly, particularly if it were in person, where it was likely to injure someone's feelings, that would be one thing. But I am so goddamn tired of how pussified our society has become - we can't have a laugh anymore without being threatened with losing our jobs or a lawsuit or being shamed into silence. Sorry, but I laugh at the dark side of life sometimes - deal with it.