How do I tell her??

[disgracian]

Are we done hijacking the thread yet? Right now I don't think anyone has got the OP's best interests in mind as long as they continue this.

 

Cheers,

D.

[amerikajin]

My wife of 10 years has been gaining weight at a pretty consistant basis. I would say she is about 60-70lbs heavier then when we first met- I know this may sound shallow- but I am just not attracted to her anymore. I've suggested working out together etc etc,,, the message is not getting across to her that she needs to do something- It is affecting her entire attitude... I know she is aware of it.

 

Obviously, you have to know going into this that it's not going to be an easy subject to broach.

 

I can only tell you what I would *probably* do in that situation, so take this advice for what it's worth.

 

First thing is, you have to decide if her weight is important to you, and how important it is to you. It seems like you think it's important, so if that's the case, then make sure you've got that clearly etched in your mind. Understand first how YOU feel about this, and don't make any bones about it. Don't ever confuse how YOU feel about something with how SHE feels about something.

 

Second thing is, WHY is this important to you? Is it because you're concerned for her well-being? Is this because you frankly don't find her attractive? You seem to have answered this already, so I guess that question's already answered. But again, just be clear about this with yourself.

 

Once you've got those questions answered for yourself, I think the key is to start thinking about her. Why do you think she's gaining weight? Why is she not listening to your requests to get fit? What's wrong here? Don't just focus on the weight, find out what's really behind all this? Usually, most people - especially if they've looked good in the past - like to continue looking good. When someone keeps adding weight and makes no effort at self-improvement, it's a sign something's not wrong, and it's probably not about weight at all. It's related to self-esteem.

 

The most important thing here is not to injure her self-esteem more than it already is. You want to get your point across - absolutely you do. But...you first want to talk to her, and listen to her. Communicate with her. Don't just sit there and whine about her weight, find out what's really happening to her. Ask if she's upset about something. Be open. Don't get defensive. Just talk and listen. Frame it so that you end up making her aware that she's got issues, not that it's you nagging about her weight.

[luvmy2ns]

I'm sure you do think he's hilarious because the humor is aimed toward defenseless people who already realize they are fat, or have a loved one who is fat, and so sought out help on the health and physical fitness board. Do you think overweight people don't feel the hate and jokes and laughs everyday that they really need to read it on a message board when they are seeking advice on a problem? These people are hurting. They aren't happy with their weight. They already realize they have a problem and seeing "stop stuffing your face" and "tell her using a bulletproof shield" only makes them feel worse and alienates them, and then the added smug smiley faces, as if he's so amazing and perfect because he's not fat, just reveals more of his hate. Isn't there a hate board where you can just bash all you want? It would be different, but this is a health and physical fitness board.

 

If someone posted how do I deal with these side effects of chemo, you'd probably also laugh if he responded "Buy a wig that looks like Kate Winslet's hairstyle She's HOT. :D" I'm sure you'd have a comeback for that, too, like add on 36C Strapon boobs and you'll be a dead ringer for Kate. Sizzlin'." It's just the sick kind of humor you have. It's just not the place for it when people here are looking for advice, not mocking.

 

You have GOT to be ILT in sheep's clothing, 'cause from what I recall of the now deleted posts, ILT brought up Kate Winslet, as well as cancer. Oh, and by the way, I love Ding Dongs too. But in moderation.

 

Here's the deal. You're right. This is a health and physical fitness board. Have you ever heard of "tough love?" How healthy is it, really, for people to go on and on saying, "Oh, you poor thing. You must be overeating because of some deep emotional issue. There, now. I've given you your excuse. Go get another piece of pizza, honey. You'll feel soooo much better."

 

Being overweight makes many people very unhappy. Now there's a deep emotional issue for ya! The beginning is definitely the hard part. It certainly is NOT easy, especially for someone who is extremely heavy, to even begin to think of trying to lose weight. But you have got to start somewhere, and if someone doesn't give you a swift kick in the arse, whether it be your wife or husband, a family member, a good friend, or even yourself, you will NEVER START!

 

So let's all quit the whining, shall we, and put down the cheeseburger and fries and get moving!!! I'm SO not making fun of anyone. I'm not saying it's easy. But it is possible, and the more excuses we give people, the easier it is for them to never start.

[amerikajin]

I'm sure you do think he's hilarious because the humor is aimed toward defenseless people who already realize they are fat, or have a loved one who is fat, and so sought out help on the health and physical fitness board. Do you think overweight people don't feel the hate and jokes and laughs everyday that they really need to read it on a message board when they are seeking advice on a problem? These people are hurting. They aren't happy with their weight. They already realize they have a problem and seeing "stop stuffing your face" and "tell her using a bulletproof shield" only makes them feel worse and alienates them, and then the added smug smiley faces, as if he's so amazing and perfect because he's not fat, just reveals more of his hate. Isn't there a hate board where you can just bash all you want? It would be different, but this is a health and physical fitness board.

 

If someone posted how do I deal with these side effects of chemo, you'd probably also laugh if he responded "Buy a wig that looks like Kate Winslet's hairstyle She's HOT. :D" I'm sure you'd have a comeback for that, too, like add on 36C Strapon boobs and you'll be a dead ringer for Kate. Sizzlin'." It's just the sick kind of humor you have. It's just not the place for it when people here are looking for advice, not mocking.

 

You missed the point, though I'm sure you'll argue that I missed yours -- rest assured, I didn't.

 

It was just a silly little remark. Hell, I was born with a congenital defect and have always had some degree of physical impairment, and I even catch myself snickering at some jokes about all kinds of people, including jokes about the physically disabled. I would never intentionally say something that would knowingly offend someone who's in my presence, but at the same time, there is such a thing as "dark" comedy. There's such a thing as a private cocktail party or locker-room joke.

 

Life's not for pussies. I endured all kinds of jokes when I was growing up as a child, and in a strange sort of way, it probably built my character. It probably stripped some of the naivete away from me at an earlier age than it would have for others. And what I learned, too, is that, really, most of us end up going through some sort of "frat hazing" if you will; we all have weaknesses, it's just that some are more apparent than others. You have to learn to deal with them. You have to learn that people are going to think what they're going to think, and say what they're going to say. There's not a god damn thing you can do to change that, and don't even waste your time trying. You want to change someone's opinion about you, the best way to do that is to just be damn proud of who you are and let your actions speak for themselves. Understand that you can't always change your image, but if you can change it, the only one who can do that, is you.

[Sheba]

I have been thinking about this problem and believe I have some useful advice. OP, are you out there?

 

First of all: you have nothing to tell your wife. She knows. Everytime she gets dressed or undressed, sees a mirror or a photo of herself, she is reminded. So, don't say anything. Not disguised as a "health issue" or otherwise. Sometimes overeating is a passive-aggressive response to hurt. Don't risk making things worse.

 

Secondly: I don't blame you for being disappointed. I suspect that she not only looks different, but that she also acts differently. Being overweight is very hard on a person's self esteem. Sometimes they withdraw, or become bitter and hostile. They may not want to have sex. It is quite understandable that such a large weight gain is causing you concern.

 

Thirdly: here is what I think you can do to help.

 

- You can help her avoid temptation by not bringing into your home fattening foods, not going out for big meals, not expecting her to cook or bake. You, of course, should not be deprived - I suggest you treat yourself to nice lunches at work and simply tell her you are not that hungry at supper because you had a big lunch. Maybe you will "sneak" a snack while you are out running errands. Just do what you can to help take temptation out of her way without being obvious.

 

- Inspire her. Ideally, by planning some future event that she will want to look her best for. A romantic trip would be ideal (NOT a cruise, all a person does is eat!). If you can afford to save for a trip someplace you both would like to visit, you might discover that all on her own she decides to lose the weight. Naturally, the trip would have to be far enough in the future that she feels like she has time to do this - Christmas or next Spring, maybe. She will feel loved by you, because you want to travel with her. She will have something to look forward to besides her next meal. Happily, you will also have something to look forward to.

 

- Be kind and loving. Even though you may not feel sexually interested in her at the moment, you can compliment other aspects of her being - her brains, her character, her talents at work or homemaking. Kiss her, hold her hand, spend time with her. Plan and discuss that romantic trip! If she feels loved by you "as she is", she may well feel loving back to you and want to give to you what she KNOWS in her heart you want - the sexual, attractive woman you married.

 

Good luck.

[stace79]

I agree...is this weight gain over many years? Or mostly over a short time period? Do you have kids? Was she recently pregnant? Health issues? There could be so many reasons...

 

Also, did she exercise and eat well before at any time in her life? Or was she just blessed with a young metabolism, and now that that's going away with age, her bad habits are catching up with her?

 

If someone just doesn't appreciate and enjoy exercise and eating well, you can't change them later on down the line...

 

Well no kidding, let me clarify what I meant.

 

Is she going through some issue that is causing her to feel depressed and emotionally overeat. Some people turn to food when they are feeling down, if this is the case with the OP's wife he could first address the emotional issue that is causing her to overeat.

 

Has she drastically changed her lifestyle? Was she active in the past and then had to stop? Maybe she needs time to get back in to the gym.

 

Who cooks and chooses the meals each day? Are you requesting unhealthy dinners? How about you prepare a healthy mean once in a while?

 

If her weight gain bothers you take some responsibility in changing it.