Ex being very hot and cold...don't know how to react

[Cioriel]

I am confused as to why your ex hasn't told you yet about the other girl - you'd think by now that he would have just come out and admitted it. He sounds like the biggest coward - not admitting he is going out w/ someone else and not breaking up w/ her before trying to start things with you again! I'm really happy for you that you came to that realization that what he is doing isn't fair. You're right - he isn't a man and if he's going to decide when he wants to play nice w/ you that's not okay....it shows that he will just be nice and make effort when it is convenient for him. It really might be a good idea to delete all his stuff from your phone and computer - maybe keep old, nice text messages from him if you don't want to delete that stuff, but otherwise it might be nice to have him finally gone completely from your life.

 

What you said about my ex basically sums up what I was thinking, except I sound like the crazy, desperate ex trying to hang on when I say it Really, though, it really does feel like he is in denial about all this, but I really don't know what to do about that. I'd love to just talk to him about what things between us mean and how he is feeling, but I'm not sure he is even open to that at all right now. I want to keep being friends because I like him, and I am hoping that things will keep going well and maybe he'll either talk to me about things or just realize that we are so good together b/c the breakup helped us. Ugh - I don't know what to do!

[peechy06]

Hey!!! Just wanted to check in and see how everything was going with your ex! Any new developments? I was reading you last post and I started to have an idea. Since your ex isn't really bringing up the relationship like you hope, maybe you could try taking a step back to see if you get any sort of reaction out of him. I'm not saying don't talk to him anymore, but maybe don't hang out with him as much. Like if he asks if you want to hang out after work one day maybe say, well I can't tonight because I have plans. Don't tell him what plans though...thats key. Be a little mysterious and unavailable!! I really think that may help things along. Then he will start to wonder what you have been up to without him and he will crave your attention.

 

I have a date with a new guy tomorrow! I actually went to high school with him but I wasn't in any classes with him or anything so I didn't know him. A bunch of my friends from high school went out last weekend and he was there and asked for my number! So I'm excited! I haven't heard anything from my ex in almost 2 weeks, which is good. I've been doing my best not to look at facebook or his girlfriend's screen name. A part of me just wishes that he would be a man and tell me truth from the beginning...I hate it that he couldn't be honest with me. But oh well, there is nothing I can do about that.

 

Anyway, I'm interested in seeing how things are progressing with you!

[Cioriel]

wow - look at you getting out there dating! That is really cool and it has to feel very good to be pursued How are you feeling about him? Does it seem like this might really go somewhere or are you still just testing the waters? I'm glad you haven't heard from the ex, and I definitely understand wanting the closure of him just coming out and being honest w/ everything so you have everything on the table. Good for you too for trying to cut back on looking at his and his gf's stuff - that takes a lot of self control but I hope it's getting easier!

 

No real big developments here. My birthday was this week and the night before he asked if I wanted to come to his place and watch a movie on his new TV to kind of hang out for my birthday and on my bday he might kind of a big deal out of it and kept saying happy birthday throughout the whole day. When we were walking home he asked what else he could do for my birthday and I said nothing. He asked what I was doing for dinner and I told him about my parents coming to town to eat w/ me.

I also talked w/ him (at the advice of a friend) about our communication issues - he does not communicate enough and that causes me to over communicate by asking him how he feels and telling him how I feel, which is a position I don't want to be in. So we talked yesterday about it and he said he was sorry and he would talk to me more. On the way home I pointed out that I thought this was a problem we had while going out (but that's all I said - I want to stay away from relationship talk until he is ready to talk about it) and he said he agreed. He said he was trying to figure out if he was bad at communicating before we went out or if it was something that developed while we were going out. I asked him if when he shared things like that he wants me to tell him what I think or just listen and he said just listen unless he asks me. He also said yesterday that he was "just sorting things out." He didn't elaborate and I didn't ask what those things were.

 

right now I'm just trying to have us work on some things that would help us overall anyway. I like your idea about really backing off on the relationship talking and just hanging out overall. I might try and do that....

 

I am just so curious about what is going on his mind. I don't know what to do b/c it feels so much like we are on the road to getting back together, and that's despite both he and I trying to be friends and really not crossing that friends boundary as far as coupley stuff (like making out, hand holding, etc) are concerned - just the way we act and the way we are w/ each other makes it feel that way.

 

Wow! sorry for such a long post! I feel good about things overall but still really don't know about us getting back together. You are so lucky you are out meeting guys through friends and stuff - a lot of my friends moved away so that really kills off that way of meeting new guys. Let me know how the date w/ new guy goes!

[peechy06]

So the date with the new guy from high school never happened. We were supposed to go out Friday night and he never called that day to finalize plans. So I called him at 6:30pm and was like, hey whats going on, I thought we were going to the movies. He was like well, I thought we could all go out (all as in some of our friends) b/c its Dave's last weekend home before he goes back to school. Ughhhh. So we all went out. But I was sort of upset! If I hadn't even called him I think he would have completely stood me up! I really am losing faith in guys. I kind of feel like I am on a bad luck streak The guy before this one (the one who I met this summer at a club) hasn't talked to me in over 2 weeks. What is going on?! But honestly, thats ok b/c we weren't serious or anything.

 

I think its great that you brought up the communication issues with your ex. Thats really important b/c if you two do get back together and the same issues are still there, you won't have much of a chance. So talking about that stuff now definately helps. I would be kind of curious what he means when he says he is trying to "sort things out." Is this things with you two? or with his life in general? From the way it sounds, it seems like you two will probably get back together. I don't see why he wouldn't want to!

[Cioriel]

I'm sorry to hear that guy from high school did that. BUT you may not know what's going on on his end - he could also be nervous or not sure what to do in the situation where plans had changed. I hope he at least gets in touch w/ you to apologize or set something else up. The other guy just hasn't contacted you? That's bizarre. Dating is scary and hard I think, especially when it's not guys your friends have recommended or that you previously know. good for you for focusing on what other dating you've got going on instead of on your ex

 

So there have been some more developments in the stuff w/ my ex. He called me yesterday to get together to watch a movie. We got together around 6:30 and he stayed until after midnight! It was really cool - we got talking about things and he actually brought up some of the things he has been thinking of (our problems) and we really talked them out. It went really well w/ minimal anxiety on his part about talking to me about these things. I completely identified w/ the things he was saying and had thought of them myself anyway. Then today we went to lunch and he brought up something along the same lines as something he had brought up the night before and I kind of had this emotional breakdown. I felt like an idiot. I wans't mad, but I just kind of felt like no matter what I did nothing would be good enough and he would just see problems between us. So I started crying and basically told him that I want to be with him adn I have been working on making myself a better person for me, not for him, but that it doesn't matter to him. I said that he made mistakes too and I gave him a second chance but he won't do the same for me. I also said that I didn't know what to do b/c I think we honestly could be great but I can't keep holding on to that if he's not going to try to figure things out. He felt really bad and we started talking some more. He said that what I say makes a difference and is important. At one point he brought up some past problems we had, and I told him that I had said those things would be different and why I thought they would be, so why was he still wondering so much? I told him that it will come down to him trusting me enough to see if we could work and some things that I said would be different actually woudl be different. He said he didn't want to get into anything unless he was sure about it.

 

I am confused - I feel like we are so close to getting back together but still not really all that close. I just don't get it - he says he wants to feel things out and just see how everything feels, and I'm just sitting there thinking about how things feel really great and how just last night we spent a lot of time together and it was nice. Ugh...grr on exes. I just don't want to get my hopes up that we will get back together and I think I'm beginning to do that.

[Athlette]

I totally feel your agony! I am going through a really similar situation. We had a lot of communication issues and in hindsight, I can see many areas where I was wrong (not that he didn't have his own issues, but I can only control me). I was pretty moody at times and would lash out at him or be rude to him and sulk. He took it in stride most of the time. We've been together almost 3 years. He recently told me that the relationship just wasn't working, he was tired of struggling, the pain and the issues. I was devestated. He insists on being friends because we are so great together. We hang out and have such a wonderful time, it's so hard to do that when you're not "together" because it's soooo bittersweet. It's almost surreal to be hanging out with someone you love so much, yet they're not yours to have anymore. I can barely stand it.

 

We hung out Friday night and after having a bit to drink, I broke down and asked him for a second chance. I begged and pleaded, was pretty pathetic. He said that he was uncomfortable with the idea because he just doesn't know if those things could be fixed. In my own heart, I believe that I can change the part that I'd played. His conclusion is that he'll think about it and let me know. He's leaving on a wilderness trip this weekend for a week where he'll have lots of time by himself to think about everything. It's so difficult to deal with this because I really believe that if we just had another chance, things could be so different. I also feel so guilty about the times I wasn't very "nice" that I just want an opportunity to make up for it, to let him see me at my best, to just have fun together again. Just one more chance....

[peechy06]

Wow...I am proud of you for telling him what is on your mind. You were honest with him and basically poured your heart out! He needs to realize on his own that you have become a better person. It is ok that you broke down. I have done that countless times with my ex when we were on a "break" back in march and april. Sometimes you really just can't help it! I can honestly put myself in your position right now and tell you that it would be so frustrating for me to be spending so much time with an ex that I am still in love with and him still not being sure yet if he wants to give things another try. Guys are so confusing!

 

I think you need to turn this situation around real fast. I think it was definately time that you two talked about your relationship and past issues. Thats a plus. BUT he is still clearly wishy washy. If I were you, I would step back a little. Maybe let him initiate EVERYTHING. You need to know that he still cares enough to make the effort. He spent time with you on your birthday, you do lunch together, hang out at his house. He would not be spending this much time with you if he didn't like you.

 

I know you want to get back together with him, but you need to adpot a new attitude One of my friends used to have a lot of problems with her boyfriend. They were on and off, he spent more time with his friends than he spent with her, and he just wasn't being serious about them in general. She would keep hanging on and hoping things would change but they didn't! So she stopped acting like she cared (of course deep down she did care and wanted to be with him, but she made it seem like she didn't care). She stopped making the effort to hang out with him and she played hard to get. This may seem like game playing, but its not, its just how these things work. I'm not saying become a cold bitchy person towards him, just let him come to you.

 

Or you could just be like listen, you know how I feel about you. I enjoy spending time with you but if you are not sure what you want then I am going to move on and when you are ready then maybe we can work things out.

 

Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you! Right now your ex kind of has you hooked and he knows that if he were to wake up one day and be like wow, I want to be with her then you would be all for it. I was like that up until about a month and half ago with my ex. I knew that if he called me one day and told me he wanted me back, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I was honest with him and told him no more contacting me until he was ready for a relationship. Well, thats how I found out what his true feelings were. He really did not make much of an effort (With the exception of 2 phone calls and a text message to "see if I was ok") He chose his ex over me. And thats when I realized a guy like that just is NOT worth my time.

 

Wow, sorry thats so long! I just feel like after my last relationship and now being out of it and putting up with so much stuff, I really know where you are coming from and how complicated and confusing guys can be!

[Athlette]

Thanks for the reply!

 

I don't believe in absolute no contact in this situation because I am hoping to reconcile and also because he has been such an amazing influence in my life, I owe it to him and me to be friendly and communicative. I just know now that I have to really really back off. No more drunken come-ons, hysterics, crying, pathetic begging, calling-texting-emailing at the same time. I'm officially a rational and level headed lady

 

I sent him a text yesterday apologizing for Friday's irrational behavior, which he kindly replied to, and I am not planning to call or text him this week. I did draft an e-mail this afternoon clearly stating what I was looking for in a reconciliation and that I understood my shortcomings in the past. Basically, I want to start over - no pressure, no expectations of anything serious, no exclusivity even, no "future", "serious" or "relationship" talk until we feel comfortable again with everything. I just want to go from day one when all we did was have fun and get to know each other. I know that things can't go back to the way they were. So, I have it in draft mode and I suppose I'll send it Thursday or Friday before he leaves on his trip.

 

At least if I lay it all out clearly he can see my reasoning and think through it. At the very end, even if this fails, I know that I've tried my hardest and did what I could. No regrets.

 

Otherwise, my friend set me up through e-mail with a really nice (and nice looking and successful) fellow who I've traded a few e-mails with lately. We're supposed to talk on the phone this week. I know the drill about the whole spending-time-alone, don't rebound thing, but man, it sure makes everything easier when you have someone else to distract you. Not just anyone else, the new person has to measure up to your ex and hold his own, otherwise you'll just be more depressed and believe that you'll never find anyone as good as him.

[Cioriel]

wow...so big news on my end. My ex and I got back together last night. I laid it all to him flat yesterday afternoon, kind of like you said I should. I basically said that he had to make up his mind and that he couldn't deny the way things felt between us forever (because yesterday two of his closest friends asked me if we were back together which to me says something). I said that it came down to whether or not he was had the faith and desire to work on things and try again. He said talking to me had been really really great and that he wanted to see how the changes both of us had gone through changed things between us. I told him that we couldn't have a quasi friendship, quasi relationship, quasi we don't know what the hell we are thing going on and that it really came down to whether or not he was going to put his trust in me that what I was saying was true and whether he had the desire to try again. I told him that it was too hurtful to hang out like we had been and feel like things are on teh road to getting together only to have him say no. I said I couldn't put myself in a situation where I was getting my hopes up only to be crushed again. Last night he called and wanted to talk so he came over and we talked over some more issues and he ended up deciding that he wanted to be together again.

 

It feels weird to be together again after being broken up - I've never been in this position before. I am a little nervous because I want us to work out a ton and we do have things we both need to work on and it'll be a lot of work. Right now we are taking things slowly (cautiously) and we aren't going to really tell anyone for right now. We want to take the time to just approach this and get into on our own before we have all our friends asking us questions or warning us about what can happen now.

 

do you think this is good? I'm happy and a little nervous. I feel good about us recognizing our problems and wanting to fix them though.

[peechy06]

Congrats!! I know you have really wanted this! He finally came around! It was about time. I think you can rest assured that you both know what you have to work on and you are both willing to put in the effort. That is really great, so don't be nervous! Just take your time and like you said, take things one step at a time. I'm happy for you!

[Athlette]

Hey, that's great! Congratulations! I know what you mean about being nervous and cautious. Everytime I try a second chance in a relationship, I get that sinking feeling like, is it really going to work this time? Also, you're so careful about trying to make things right. I think if you take it slow and you both want to work on it, it'll turn out beautifully. Good for you! I hope mine turns out that great. Keep us updated, curious to see how it goes!

[Cioriel]

thanks guys I am very cautious about this and it's really hard to know how cautious is too cautious or how much we need to really focus on making things better and how much we kind of let go and just see how things are. I think a big improvement over the last time we went out is my own self esteem which I believe has a big impact on a lot of the issues we had b/c a lot of them reflected my own insecurities. I hope this works.

 

Athlette, as far as your situation, if I was in your position, I might just ask to talk to him calmly and briefly before he leaves and has all that time to think. You said you had been drinking the last time you guys really talked about any of this, and I would want to tell him in a better situation what I think about the relationship and what would be different if you got back together. It would be a good idea to keep it short and to the point, basically just to tell him that you wanted to calmly talk about it before he leaves. something would need to be different (than it was..otherwise you wouldn't have broken up) if you got back together, and if he thinks back on your last convo where you just told him you want to be together, that might not really have an impact on him or give him any reason to think the second time would be different. It's really hard, though, to try and figure out what you think will be best in this situation. Let us know what you decide to do

 

Peechy, how are things w/ you? have you heard from either guy yet? or your ex? I hope not the ex just b/c you seem so much better off without him! Let me know what's going on

[Athlette]

Hi Peechy,

 

I actually did just that tonight. I went over there and we had a civil and good conversation about things. I told him what I wanted in a rational way and just left it at that. Honestly, I have no idea what's going to happen, and I'm actually ok with just about anything right now. No matter what happens, I see this as a catalyst for many things to change in my life. I have so much to work on so that in my next relationship, whether it's him or another guy, things will be different. I went to see an old therapist today to talk some stuff out and she pointed out all these things that I never saw but were so totally what she was describing. It was like a light bulb went off in my head! Weird, I don't think of myself as the therapy kind, or a person with issues, but that was totally worth it. That is all to say that don't worry too much about how cautious you're being or how it's going to turn out this time around, just focus on yourself and making yourself a great person and everything will work out for the best. I'll let you know how it turns out. Not bettin' the farm on it...

[peechy06]

Hey Cioriel! Nothing from the ex! Its been over 2 weeks so that is definately a record. haha Well, the guy from high school has called me a few times, but not to ask me out on an actual date. I have just been meeting up with him and our other friends at some places we all hang out. But, thats ok, its still a fun time.

 

Is everything still going good for you?

[prism23]

He said he couldn't be with me because he isn't prepared to be serious in a relationship. Wow. We had already been serious for over a year and now he doesn't want to be anymore. He just graduated from college (he is 24) and just started a full time job and he says he is just not focused on that right now and he is upset that we will be long distance again next year. He said he thought we could be friends.

 

...

 

He says he loves me and if he could, he would be with me.

 

...

 

I think if he loved me that much he would do anything to be with me b/c that is how I feel about him

 

WOW. I just wanted to let you know we are in twinned situations. My ex and I have been broken up for roughly 2 months - he ended it because he is "not ready for a serious commitment". We are both 22 and he just graduated as well and got a "real" job. He wants to focus on his house and job and get his life in order first. Also says he hopes we can work out one day. I also told him to tell me when he's ready. He swore he would because he "wants it to be with me" when he's ready.

 

The difference is we are still trying to be friends, I see him maybe 1x every other week, sometimes a little more. We are 1/2 hour apart. I feel like he only wants to see me because he jsut moved to this area (I grew up near here) and doesn't know anyone. And ditto on your last sentance.

 

I am actually thinking I need to follow suit with you and start seeing him less and ignoring him... Esp since I'm the one doing most of the contacting. But as soon as I ignore him for a few days he calls me or messages me... I feel like a yo yo!!

 

I'm sorry I don't really have any helpful advice for you (us, lol) but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your situation... and if you need a vent session withsomeone in a similar sit feel free to PM me!!

 

 

EDIT: I just read through the rest of the thread... and man that sucks I can't beliebe he'd go back to a cheater!! I also have a "real" reason I think my ex broke up with me but not alot of proof... I think he is curious to sleep around, ha. He has a membership on a sex site... a paid one... a good friend of mine (guy) saw it and sent it to me... but I dont really know how active he is past what he tells me (I called him on it & asked)... but yeah :S lol

[peechy06]

Hey prism!

 

I would have responded to you sooner but I just got back into town. I definately feel your pain! Me and my ex have officially been broken up for about 3 or 4 months now and honestly, some days I feel great, but others I just want him back so bad. You're ex told you he wanted to get his life in order...I've heard that one before and it turned out to be a big huge lie!! You said you read through the rest of the thread...thank god I found out what was really going on. He cheated on me with his ex and now they are back together. His excuse of "not having time for a relationship" and "not being ready to committ" was all a lie.

 

Maybe your ex truely does feel like he needs to get his life in order, but I can tell you one thing that I have learned through this whole process. If a guy really wants to be with you, he really will do anything to make that happen, especially if he was the one to break it off for his own reasons. Do not EVER let a guy tell you he is not ready for a committment especially since you two have already been together. I let my ex yo-yo me around just like you are going through when we first decided to "go on a break." This went on for like 2 months. And the whole time he was seeing his ex and trying to keep me hooked also. I was just his doormat.

 

I'm not saying that your ex has another girl on the side...but it does sound like he is keeping his options open while trying not to completely lose you. I think a lot of guys are like this when they break up with someone (and still have feelings for that person). He wants to be friends, and if you are ok with that, then thats cool. Me on the other hand, I had a hard time even talking to my ex on the phone (even before I found out about his ex). It was just so hard to try being his friend. After a while I said I couldn't do it anymore and when he was ready for a relationship to give me a call.

 

With guys (and in our situations) they need to realize the consequenses of their actions. In my opinion, your ex needs to know what life is like without you...HE is the one who broke up with you. Cut him off!!! Don't give him the satisfaction of being his friend. He may not like it, but if I were you, I would not respond to him unless he says, listen, I'm sorry, I love you, and I want to work things out between us. Those are what I call the "magic words" . The last few times my ex has called me and left me messages the past month or so they have all been..."I just want to see if you are ok" "I was just calling to say hi" I told myself that I would not respond unless he indicated that he wanted to tell me the truth about his ex and work things out with us. Well that has not happened, so I am moving on from him. Its definately hard, somedays are worse than others. But I know that is how it has to be...he can't have me and his ex.

 

I hope this helps a little ...sorry its so long. I really did feel like venting tonight!

[Cioriel]

peechy: Do you think things w/ him could possibly go anywhere or are you thinking that you two will just kinda keep a group friend thing going? How are you doing really? I know it's got to be hard some days - do you feel like you're better off w/o your ex though?

 

prism: I agree w/ what peechy said. Eventually it will get to a point where he has to face the question of whether he wants to try things w/ you and put forth the effort or not. I also agree that while it is scary he needs to see that you have a backbone and aren't just going to wait around to be his girl on the side or for him to be w/ you when it's convenient for him. You might not want to be harsh in saying this to him because he may legitimately be confused about what he wants but it really sucks to wait around. Let us know how things go

[peechy06]

Hey Cioriel! I'm doing well, haven't heard from the ex...which is good. Sometimes I just wish we wouldn't have ended on such a bad note. But there is really nothing I could have done to prevent that considering he cheated on me with his ex, got back together with her and he lied to me about it. I really don't see myself talking to him in the near future. Maybe months from now, if he contacts me.

 

I finally went to the movies with that guy I was telling you about! (the one from high school) He's so sweet! We will see what happens with that!

 

How is everything going for you??

[Cioriel]

I understand about leaving things on a bad note - it kind of feels unresolved then. But you're really right in that there is nothing you could do but take of yourself and work on moving on from everything he did. I'm so excited about you and that guy going out! How was it going out w/ him? I'm glad you two finally got to go

 

things here are pretty good - we had a fight on sunday but for the most part we kept things calm and talked things out. It was getting really late and we both started to revert back to our old selves but not completely so overall it went well I think, and we got some things settled which is good! I'm trying to let just let go of our time apart and not wonder about what was going on on his end through all of it - He said he would tell me anything he thought I would want or need to know and that he didn't hook up w/ any girls or anything.

We've been taking it slow (trying to - it's a weird situation) and we haven't told our friends yet. We each told one friend that lives out of town but no one around us right now. We talked a bit today and he said he can see us lasting and he hopes we do. It was nice to hear he is thinking the same as me. I just need to keep my confidence up and keep working on my anxiety -both are so much better and I know that makes a difference

[peechy06]

Hey! Sorry it has taken a while to respond. I just got moved back into my apartment at school and got the internet hooked up.

 

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are doing well and working on things slowely. You are both in the same mind-set and want the same things, which is definately a good sign! You've also improved so much! When do you think you will tell everyone about you two?

 

Well the ex wrote me a facebook message and I don't understand why he sent this to me. Here it is...

 

Hey,

 

I know you don't care to speak to me right now, but I have been searching around online and ran across a company that you might be interested in talking to towards the middle-to-end of the school year.

 

The company is PPD, Inc. Their headquarters are located in Cary NC, I believe. They do alot of work with clinical stuff, etc... They also had opportunities regarding nutritionists for some of their clients. I know this company has lots and lots of money.

 

I have called into them and got a meeting in October. A large proposal has to be completed which in return means they deal with large scale vendors.

 

Just wanted to throw that out to you. Good luck this year in school, and if you were to ever need some motivation or a simple pep-talk fee free to call me. See-ya.

 

Love,

 

Tommy

 

I'm kind of mad he sent this to me. I mean, I guess it was nice that he thought about me but I don't need his help! I can find a job on my own. And I have my own friends! He is the last person I would call for "motivation" He is acting like we are good friends and I really dont know why. What do you think about this?

[Cioriel]

He needs to take a hint and just get out of your life. I think you can deal w/ this in a couple of ways - either completely ignore it and hopefully he will really get the message that you two are broken up and that you don't want or need him talking to you or write back and tell him that you really don't want him messaging you at all. I would lean more towards not responding just b/c then it really doesn't open up the lines of communication. I don't get him - you guys aren't good friends and it's a direct result of him being so disrespectful to you..he can't just pick and choose when to be good to you, you know? I hope this is the last you hear about him!

On a better note - any news about you and the guy you went to school with?

 

Yeah -things are pretty good. I'm getting back into my anxious ways a bit more but I'm recognizing that so I can hopefully do something about it. We had a fight on friday which got to the heart of why I have been anxious about us in the past and he had a realization that he doesn't tell his friends when he has problems in the relationship and only tells them about problems I have so I come off looking really bad and like I"m the "bad one" in the relationship...this was what we had an argument about. He thought about it and while at work he asked me to talk w/ him and he told me his realization. It felt good and I think now that we really got into what has been going on w/ that (which has been an ongoing issue) it should be a lot better. I think we will tell our friends when both of us getting over the slightly scared feeling we still have a little bit - I'm still worried about him turning tail and running and he's worried that I'll fall back into my old habits, so once we get a little more familiar to the idea that we are both different and really get used to that I think we'll be able to tell our friends.

[peechy06]

I think thats funny how you said that your boyfriend doesn't talk to his friends about relationship problems. I thnk in general thats true about all guys. I don't know why though, I guess guys are just different that way. In reality though, it probably would have helped him if he did talk to his friends about relationship problems and not just about issues he thought you were having. I'm glad he has come to realize this is and working on it!

 

I've continued to ignore the facebook message my ex sent me. I'm still so mad at him...I feel like I always will be. His attempt at trying to be my friend and opent the lines of communication will not work on me!

 

Well I went to the movies with the guy from high school before I left for college. It went really well. A couple days later I texted him and was like "I just wanted to say hi and hope you are having a good first day at school" A few hours later he texted me back and goes "I have a quick question for you...do you like me?" I thought this was kind of wierd and a little immature, but i responded with "yes, do you like me" He said "yeah i do like you" So I was really happy. I then texted him and asked if he wanted to talk later before he went to bed and he said "no never mind" I was like "what you don't want to talk to me?" He goes "sorry I can't." I was soo confused and I still am!! I called him and left him a voicemail the next day about what happened and asked him why he didn't want to talk, but he hasn't called me back!!

[Cioriel]

wow..that is really bizarre of the guy! I wonder what is up with him. I hate it where you feel like you've put yourself out there and you're not really sure w/ what the guy is going to do with it. I really hope he calls you back! That just all seems so random..do you think he's nervous or what?

 

I'm glad to hear you're still ignoring the message from the ex. I can't imagine how mad you still must be....I would think it would hard not to want to just yell at him one last time or something and tell him off completely. Hopefully he will get the hint to just leave you alone.

 

I am really trying not to be anxious about the relationship. Today I wanted to ask him about this female friend he started talking w/ after we broke up b/c I wanted to know if he had thought of her as a possibility for someone to date or go out with, but I have decided I'm not going to ask him about it. I don't really want to know and it doesn't make a difference anyway. Plus, I kissed some random guy at a bar while we were broken up so I really don't have any right to be upset about what he did (if anything). He told me there was nothing relavent to share so I'm going to trust him on that.

We're really trying to take things slow, and it's a little hard b/c we were talking about when we would get engaged before we broke up. It's hard to get used to the fact that in some ways we have to treat this as completely new. But I feel good b/c I'm really not thinking about marriage which is something I did a lot before we broke up. I really think it had a lot to do w/ the fact that one of my close friends got engaged and we had a number of couple friends that got engaged or married in the last year of our relationship.

I get worried that he isn't telling me everything he feels and I don't know whether to talk about this with him or really just try and trust that he is telling me everything and he will tell me if something is wrong. He's really been so great.

 

one story - sorry this is so long!! - but on friday me and a few friends went out. One girl was who we'll call Julie. So Julie is married to Brad, and Brad and my boyfriend are good friends. Julie and I were good friends but then I kind of backed off b/c she was putting herself in the middle of the breakup. So friday we all go out and some stuff about that girl my boyfriend liked a year ago came up (julie is/was friends with her) - it was all cool and no one got mad or anything and by the end of the night we all left on friendly terms. So then Sunday night my boyfriend calls and tells me that Julie is talking to him online and tells me that she talked to him about friday night and he told her that he didnt know anything about that night (b/c we're keeping us a secret and he wanted me to know what he had told her so our stories were straight). So I ask him what she's saying about friday but he kind of changes the topic. I ask him why he won't answer and he tells me that julie asked him to keep it between him and her. That just makes me angry. My boyfriend told me he would tell me if it was something he thought I should know, and I'm not upset at him. I'm upset at her for talking to him about me or that night behind my back and not coming to talk to me about it. She wants us to get back together and I think she has an idea that we might be together or close to getting together, so I just don't get why she would go talk to him about things then, you know?

 

I am so sorry that was so long! What's your take on the whole julie thing?

[peechy06]

Wow that is an interesting story!! Why does there always have to be someone else involved or talked about?! I know you said that your bf like this girl a year ago but do you think that something happened between this girl and your boyfriend while you were broken up?

 

I know your boyfriend told you that he would tell you if he hooked up with another girl, and I really hope he is telling you the truth. I am just a little suspicious b/c when you tried talking to him about it, he changed the subject. Julie is also friends with this girl...so I'm just gonna take a stab at this and tell me what you think. Maybe this girl caught wind that you two had broken up (could julie have mentioned something? not intentionally?), and (still liking your boyfriend) this girl tried making a move. And now your boyfriend is acting strange about it b/c he doesn't want you to find out about it.

 

Maybe when your boyfriend and julie werer talking online she mentioned something about this girl. Maybe like oh, she still likes you, or wants to meet up with you (something like that), but I'm sure if this is the case julie most likely told the girl you two seemed to be getting close again. That could be why she was talking to your boyfriend and your boyfriend doesn't want you to know.

 

Or could your boyfriend just have told julie that you two are back together??

 

I would be a little confused/upset also. Even so, you two are doing so well! If it really bothers you, you could try to talk to him again. But he may wonder if you are questioning his trust. Or you could just try your best to sweep it under the rug...your boyfriend loves you and really wants you two to work out.

 

Do you think this girl has anything to do with why julie was talking to your boyfriend online?

[Cioriel]

I hadn't thought about it all in terms of the girl from last summer (let's call her Linda).

 

I'm pretty sure Linda is still going out w/ her boyfriend and Julie has always said that Linda is not attracted to my boyfriend at all and would never go for him, so I don't think it's anything like that.

 

I think Julie was upset that night because we saw Linda out at the bars and after that things got tense. My best friend asked Julie straight out whether Linda was going to the next club with us and Julie said no and then asked my friend why she wanted to know. That's when my friend came right out and said that Linda makes her uncomfortable. So that made Julie mad b/c she said the stuff between me, my bf, and Linda was none of my friend's business and she didn't understand why my friend was uncomfortable around Linda.

 

I am wondering if Julie just talked to my bf about how she was upset and stuff, but I really don't know. On Friday I told Julie straight out that I was sorry that I was so uncomfortable around Linda and that I wish we had met in different circumstances because othewrise I would probably like her, and my friend said the same thing. I don't know if Julie is just upset because she doesn't like that we're not really fond of Linda or what. She said she wasn't upset at me at all, but that she was not happy with my friend. I guess I don't think it could be anything too big other than Julie being upset with me or my friend about what happened, but I really don't know I guess. I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells around Julie because she gets so upset about things and can be really hypocritical too. The reason I think she might have just talked about how she was upset is because she made the comment to todd that andrea (my friend) might "hate" her now.

 

My boyfriend he didn't even read what Julie wrote to him (they were talking online) because he didn't like that she did that, and he said that he really wanted to show me that I could trust him. It just really bothers me that she went to him in the first place to talk to him about whatever bothered her because friday night she was telling us how she just wants people to be honest with her, and I don't get why she would talk to him about something I"m involved with and then tell him to "keep in between them" even though she wants us back together - is she going to do this stuff when she finds out we're actually dating?

There were a couple other girls that went out that night too (including Julie's cousin) so I just don't get why julie wouldn't just talk to them about it instead of to my bf..it just seems weird doens't it?