Broke up; now I want to get back (it's kinda long)

[Mag]

I broke up w/my boyfriend of 6/7 years in July. It was a "friendly" break-up (as friendly as any break-up can be). I was the one that said we should break up but he was the one that wanted the break-up more than me. There were many reasons for the break-up. One being that I admittedly was a closed-minded, insecure and unhappy person all around. I have since been in therapy and am now a much happier and outgoing person. (Many people have noticed the difference.) Another reason we broke up was that he would never argue or differ in opinion with me. So there were times I would do things that upset him but I would never know that it upset him 'cause he would keep it inside. Years later he would tell me about all the things I did in the past that upset him so he had alot of resentment build-up. Since we broke up we still talk with and/or see each other pretty regularly. He was one of my best friends and I didn't want to lose the friendship along with the romantic relationship. I still feel alot of love for him and I have no desire to be with anyone else. I have gone out on dates but these men just end up annoying me. I want him back terribly but I also know that I still have issues to work out and so does he. Is there anyway I can find out if he feels the same w/out freaking him out and ruining our friendship? I know he cares about me alot and would do anything for me but I want to know if there is any hope for us getting back together at some time. I'm so confused! I just know I love him and can't imagine my life without him but what does he feel? I also know that if I want to give this relationship another try, I will have to make the first move. He told me before that if he wanted to get back w/someone, he would never make a fool out of himself and ask them back. Hope I didn't ramble too much and I made some kind of sense. -- (By the way, if it matters to anyone, I'm a gemini and he's a cancer.)

[Simmer]

I broke up w/my boyfriend of 6/7 years in July. It was a "friendly" break-up (as friendly as any break-up can be). I was the one that said we should break up but he was the one that wanted the break-up more than me. There were many reasons for the break-up. One being that I admittedly was a closed-minded, insecure and unhappy person all around. I have since been in therapy and am now a much happier and outgoing person. (Many people have noticed the difference.) Another reason we broke up was that he would never argue or differ in opinion with me. So there were times I would do things that upset him but I would never know that it upset him 'cause he would keep it inside. Years later he would tell me about all the things I did in the past that upset him so he had alot of resentment build-up. Since we broke up we still talk with and/or see each other pretty regularly. He was one of my best friends and I didn't want to lose the friendship along with the romantic relationship. I still feel alot of love for him and I have no desire to be with anyone else. I have gone out on dates but these men just end up annoying me. I want him back terribly but I also know that I still have issues to work out and so does he. Is there anyway I can find out if he feels the same w/out freaking him out and ruining our friendship? I know he cares about me alot and would do anything for me but I want to know if there is any hope for us getting back together at some time. I'm so confused! I just know I love him and can't imagine my life without him but what does he feel? I also know that if I want to give this relationship another try, I will have to make the first move. He told me before that if he wanted to get back w/someone, he would never make a fool out of himself and ask them back. Hope I didn't ramble too much and I made some kind of sense. -- (By the way, if it matters to anyone, I'm a gemini and he's a cancer.)

 

If you are still friends you should be able to talk to him about how you feel, but don't be too aggressive. He seems to be quite passive. Is this so? Does he try to smooth things over and passify others to avoid confrontations? (Cancers tend to be quiet and laid back to an extent. They are usually home bodies and one-woman-men, by the way.) I doubt that his passiveness will ever change unless he makes a conscious effort to do so. It's good that you went for therapy and are happier now. If he can work on his inability to let you know how he's feeling and you can be very patient, there may be hope.

[Mag]

Well, he is quite passive and I am extremely patient when it comes to him. He does have alot of pent up anger though but that's another story. There is another reason I have been hesitant about talking to him. When we first broke up, I wanted to keep the physical aspect of the relationship going but he didn't think it would be a good idea. About a month or two ago, he made his move and along with the friendship, we have been having a physical relationship. He once asked me if I was ok with things the way they were. And I said yes. Then he asked if I was getting too attached and I told him no. That was/is the truth. I can completely separate sex and love (since they are two different things). My friends thought that maybe he was getting too attached but I don't think so. Anyway, I'm afraid that if I do talk to him about what I've been feeling he'll attribute it to us having sex. The sex has nothing to do with it; I felt this way before the physical relationship began and I know that if the sex stopped, I would still feel the same.

If you are still friends you should be able to talk to him about how you feel, but don't be too aggressive. He seems to be quite passive. Is this so? Does he try to smooth things over and passify others to avoid confrontations? (Cancers tend to be quiet and laid back to an extent. They are usually home bodies and one-woman-men, by the way.) I doubt that his passiveness will ever change unless he makes a conscious effort to do so. It's good that you went for therapy and are happier now. If he can work on his inability to let you know how he's feeling and you can be very patient, there may be hope.

[Mag]

I would like to hear a male's opinion on my message. . .

I broke up w/my boyfriend of 6/7 years in July. It was a "friendly" break-up (as friendly as any break-up can be). I was the one that said we should break up but he was the one that wanted the break-up more than me. There were many reasons for the break-up. One being that I admittedly was a closed-minded, insecure and unhappy person all around. I have since been in therapy and am now a much happier and outgoing person. (Many people have noticed the difference.) Another reason we broke up was that he would never argue or differ in opinion with me. So there were times I would do things that upset him but I would never know that it upset him 'cause he would keep it inside. Years later he would tell me about all the things I did in the past that upset him so he had alot of resentment build-up. Since we broke up we still talk with and/or see each other pretty regularly. He was one of my best friends and I didn't want to lose the friendship along with the romantic relationship. I still feel alot of love for him and I have no desire to be with anyone else. I have gone out on dates but these men just end up annoying me. I want him back terribly but I also know that I still have issues to work out and so does he. Is there anyway I can find out if he feels the same w/out freaking him out and ruining our friendship? I know he cares about me alot and would do anything for me but I want to know if there is any hope for us getting back together at some time. I'm so confused! I just know I love him and can't imagine my life without him but what does he feel? I also know that if I want to give this relationship another try, I will have to make the first move. He told me before that if he wanted to get back w/someone, he would never make a fool out of himself and ask them back. Hope I didn't ramble too much and I made some kind of sense. -- (By the way, if it matters to anyone, I'm a gemini and he's a cancer.)

[Mag]

I talked to him the other night. I told him I had a question for him but that I didn't want him to freak out about it, that it was just a question. I asked him if he still felt love for me. He said yes and then he put it to me this way; just because we're not together anymore doesn't mean he doesn't care about me. I told him that that wasn't really what I had asked. He told me he had the same love for me as he has for his very best-friend Dave and that not many people have that. I know he would give his life up for Dave if it came down to it but that's not the type of love I was talking about. I didn't pursue the conversation because I was a little hurt and I also didn't want beat a dead horse. Any help in interpreting this would help me. Thanks.

Well, he is quite passive and I am extremely patient when it comes to him. He does have alot of pent up anger though but that's another story. There is another reason I have been hesitant about talking to him. When we first broke up, I wanted to keep the physical aspect of the relationship going but he didn't think it would be a good idea. About a month or two ago, he made his move and along with the friendship, we have been having a physical relationship. He once asked me if I was ok with things the way they were. And I said yes. Then he asked if I was getting too attached and I told him no. That was/is the truth. I can completely separate sex and love (since they are two different things). My friends thought that maybe he was getting too attached but I don't think so. Anyway, I'm afraid that if I do talk to him about what I've been feeling he'll attribute it to us having sex. The sex has nothing to do with it; I felt this way before the physical relationship began and I know that if the sex stopped, I would still feel the same.

[simmer]

I talked to him the other night. I told him I had a question for him but that I didn't want him to freak out about it, that it was just a question. I asked him if he still felt love for me. He said yes and then he put it to me this way; just because we're not together anymore doesn't mean he doesn't care about me. I told him that that wasn't really what I had asked. He told me he had the same love for me as he has for his very best-friend Dave and that not many people have that. I know he would give his life up for Dave if it came down to it but that's not the type of love I was talking about. I didn't pursue the conversation because I was a little hurt and I also didn't want beat a dead horse. Any help in interpreting this would help me. Thanks. Sounds pretty clear to me that you are a very good friend, just like Dave, but that's it. If the two of you think you can keep your friendship going while still having sex, you're kidding yourselves. Someone will get hurt and it will probably be you. I don't think he will ever be IN love with you. I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear.

[Hopeless]

Hi Mag,

 

Well, you're talking to a guy who went through a similar situation with a woman for 5 years. Our break up was the best thing that ever happened to both of us (she met the one she was to marry, and I was able to achieve personal growth kept from me by being "stuck" in an old relationship).

 

However, our situation was different because after the breakup, I knew that it would be impossible to be friends -- there was simply too much emotion there -- and furthermore, I did not possess the desire to get back with her. It was my decision originally, made after many years of feeling like it was impossible for us to grow together any further.

 

Also, my reasons for breaking it off did not have to do entirely with her -- but rather that I needed to prove my independence because we started dating very young (we were both 17).

 

In my opinion, it sounds like you have done some significant work on yourself -- work that I did also to ensure my heart was "free" for the next romance (but see my posting for where I am with that!). Going back with him may (or may not) bring back those old feelings and old ways with you. Maybe you need to continue to work on yourself, and get to know what you really want as an individual, before you are capable of having the type of relationship with another human being that will truly make the two of you happy.

 

I'm ready to find that now since I did the work -- but I don't think I would be there today if I was still with her (and she would not be with her husband either). Perhaps you need to check it out again with this man to know for sure if you both made the right decision. I don't think it will be possible for you to have a friendship if you're secretly hoping he will come around again -- I firmly believe that friendships must be based on being on the "same page" emotionally as the other person. Either way, as friends or as lovers, it is important to be able to be honest with each other. Have "the talk" with him if you truly want to try it again. But if you think you're looking for 'approval' from him, I would seriously look at your motives for wanting to find out if he still feels for you, which I must imagine he must since it took me a couple years for the feelings with my ex to entirely disappear.

 

Hope this was helpful from Hopeless...

 

I would like to hear a male's opinion on my message. . .

[Mag]

Thanks. I've thought about it too and I'm not sure if he ever really was in love with me. But no use in grieving what is lost and what will never be. Anyway, his friendship is more important to me than having a romantic relationship. As far as having sex with no one getting hurt, well, I think he'll probably be the one to get hurt way before I do. I don't associate sex with love, never did.