Family V. Boyfriend

[Minnie1102]

[COLOR=black]i am a 20 year old female with a very complicated situation....[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]okay..it all started when i was 16 and my boyfriend was 21. my parents told me that i couldn't see him because of the fact that he was five years older than i am. i didn't seem to mind what they felt and thought i should decide for myself who i do and do not see. Three years have passed and we are still together. in between the beginning and now a few things have happened in our relationship. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]1. He cheated on me[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] in the beginning we weren't really serious. we weren't sure how we were going to end up since my parents forbid me to see him. we just saw each other whenever we could and made the best of the relationship we had. we did always talk on the phone though. it was everyday maybe five times a day. we would have really long conversations at night. that is how we got to know each other, over the phone. Things started to get more serious once i graduated high school. but toward the end of that summer, i found out that he had been seeing another girl. but i am not completely sure of what exactly was going on. i think he had been talking to this girl before me and then was just back and forth with the both of us. either way, there is no excuse. i believe the reason was the way our relationship was. we could barely see each other and it was kind of a hidden relationship. but like i said, no excuse. so i broke up with him but we wound up getting back together. i made him know exactly how i felt and exactly how he had affected me. the jealousy and insecurity he had caused me. that was the summer of 2005. Since then he has shown me maturity and change in himself. he had shown me dedication and the love he has for me. there is no doubt in my mind that he has changed and i believe that we have moved on from that part of our relationship. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]2. my sister Melissa caught us in bed at her house.[/COLOR]

[COLOR=black] i was baby sitting my niece and i invited my boyfriend over. we stilll rarely saw each other so i wanted to take every opportunity to see him. my sister caught us in her bed when she got home. she told my mother and was upset with me for a very long time. i talked to my sister about it and she told me that she would never believe i was sorry until i broke up with him. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]those are the major things that happened since we started dating. for the three years that i have been with him, it's been a secret. i feel like i am leading a double life. i leave my house and have to tell my parents exactly where i am going. i lie about where i am going. my mother calls me to see where i am at all the time. i lie to her then. everybody knows i am lying except my father. he has no idea what is going on. my mom doesn't want to tell him because she said that she doesn't want to stress him out or kick me out. my father is against it because my mother was. now he doesn't want me to see my boyfriend becuase i never listened in the first place. and now, three years later, he still will not allow me to see him because i didn't listen in the beginning. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]my older sister becca doesn't get along with me because of the situation. We used to be really close and ever since my sister Melissa caught my boyfriend and I in bed, becca has been against it. The problem with that is I never did anything to hurt Rebecca and another thing, becca was in the same situation before. She once told me that my parents weren’t being strict enough on me like they were on her when they were in the same situation, so she was going to be the one to give me a hard time. I feel like it is not her place to get involved and try to “run” my life. I could see if I was in an abusive relationship, but she knows that is not the case. I have talked to her once about this about a month and a half ago. I told her that it’s not fair that she is letting something that I am doing in my own life that she does not agree with affect her relationship with me. She said that she would never approve of me and my boyfriend (angelo) unless my father did. I don’t feel I need her approval in the first place. But she is the one that is causing the most grief about the situation. My mother already has told me that she made the mistake of not giving my boyfriend a chance. She was trying to help me out for a while by trying to talk to my dad about it. But I think she has given up on that. Now she says that I am stressing her out and this is probably true. She has gall stones now. I feel like it is my fault, but I also feel like I should be able to decide who I want to see since I am now 20 years old, have a full-time job, go to college and pay rent ($200 a month). I also pay for my own school, car (no co-signer), car insurance, I have insurance through my job, medical bills, clothes, food (except what my parents buy for the house) and all the little essentials I need. I still have to help out with chores too. I feel like I am still being treated like I’m in high school. I have to ask to go somewhere, I have to ask to stay the night places and am often told “no”. I have to plan ahead what exactly I want to do because if I am out too much she will tell me to stay home and that I can’t go anywhere because I have been out “all week” She constantly calls me when I am out. She gives me a 12:00 curfew at times. She almost times me if I go to a store. The problem is that she just doesn’t want me to see my boyfriend, but also is not naïve and knows that I do. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]My boyfriend and I talked about this. We said that we would talk to my dad which would be the answer to all of our problems if he was finally okay with my being with angelo. But if he happens to not be okay with it, I don’t want to give in and leave angelo. The whole point of talking to my dad is to stand up for what I want and leaving angelo if he says no would be showing him nothing. So, if I don’t leave angelo, chances are my dad will kick me out. But I don’t want to live with my boyfriend before we get married and I don’t make enough to live on my own. I have already tried to move with my friends, but they’re not ready. So now we’re just waiting for angelo to get a good enough job so that if I do get kicked out, we can move in together because I don’t want to live with his parents.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I have no idea what to do with my situation, but I find myself getting more and more irritated and stressed out. I am too old for something like this. I could understand my parents being this way if I was completely dependant on them, but I am not. My mom told me to move out if I don’t like her rules, they always say that. I know they love me and I think that is cruel to say. They know I am not ready to move out and they are just taking advantage of that. Anyway, I am getting really stressed out. I can tell in my attitude, I can tell how I am easily irritated. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to solve this situation. I am tired of the lying and sneaking around and it just isn’t fair to me and my life. I just want to take a step forward with my boyfriend and leave all of these problems behind, but my family is just not having it. I still haven’t talked to my dad, but I am afraid of the consequences......advice?[/COLOR]

[roxy_1980]

Well, first I can understand why your parents are concerned. He met you when you were 16 and he was 21, that would give me pause too? They wonder why he'd be involved with someone so young. And before you start saying that plenty of people deal with differences in age, it's usually much later in life when maturity levels are most "equilibrated" that those pairings are successful.

 

That being said...if you really feel that this relationship is that important, here's my advice:

 

It's obvious that your parents are rather strict. They will probably never fully accept your relationship. Sell the car, use public transportation and move out (with roommates that aren't your friends if necessary). If you can pay that many bills, you are able to live on your own. You won't have the lifestyle that you're accustomed to at your parents' house, but well, that's life.

[amaysngrace]

I agree with Roxy. If you leave your parents home then there will be nothing more for them to tell you on how to live your life. It will show them that you're responsible and mature enough to make your own decisions.

 

Until then you gotta suck it up and live by their rules.

 

And be prepared for your dad not to like him too much. Even if he was 21 today and you were 20 your dad may not like him very much. You're his baby girl. Quite possibly there are not many who are good enough for his little girl in his eyes.

 

And your Angelo crossed a line which totally acted against taking good care of his little girl. Your dad may never forgive him for that.

 

But on the positive...it sounds like you come from a very caring family. And family is forever.