Missing him, any good advise

[mememe]

I wrote last December about my situation with my bf of 3 years.

During X-Mas of 2002, we decided to take a break from the relationship. However after the New Years, I gave him an ultimatum. I told him either committ to me now or lets go our separate ways. He wrote me a letter telling me how he loves me and how I make him happy but at this point, his feeling for me are not at the stage where he want to committ to me ( as in marriage). But I wasen't looking to get married any time soon (and he knew that), I just wanted to be with someone who had that potential and I guess I wanted him to give me some kind of a time frame.

 

We broke up while I was out of the country over e-mail and telephone. I was devestated. Sicen then, we have not talked. It's been about 2 weeks now. We've been sending brief instant messages but have not talked or seen each other since. Last Friday he sent me a message asking if we can talk and catch up, but I told him I was busy. When we broke up he wanted to see me and remain friends. But I don't think that's possible. I am really heart broken.

 

Now I think, did I do the right thing. It's not like I wanted to get married today. We had a good relationship until I brought up the future issue. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything and see how our realtionship played out. Maybe I jumped too quickly about the whole future issue. I'm just confused. I love him and I want him back. I know that he misses me to. But I don't want to contact him. I guess I'm waiting for him to pick up the phone and call me instead of sending instant messages asking if it's okay to call me. I know that he has not told his friends about our break up (I know this beacuse I am good freinds with his friend from college and she is the only person that I know that we broke up and he told her not to tell anyone else).

 

I feel like I was to haste about my decision. I don't know, I'm just confused and I want him back.

 

Please help. I am open ears to any suggestions or comments.

[midori]

If you really didn't want a commitment from him, you wouldn't have asked for one. I hear what you're saying, you weren't looking for an engagement ring and to set a date in a church, but you wanted to know that you and he were on the same page. In other words you wanted to know that, like you, he saw that happening someday.

 

Right?

 

And he said he didn't. He said he couldn't make that kind of decision. Doesn't matter why he's unable to make the decision: maybe he's just not ready generally, could be any number of things. Including the possibility that he just doesn't see it happening between the two of you, ever.

 

You want different things. Right now you miss him, so it sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of what you want. That won't work for a couple of reasons. For one thing, even if you do manage to convince yourself that you don't really want/need any kind of long-term commitment for the time being, chances are you'll be kidding yourself. You know what you want, you know how you feel. It just so happens that's not what he wants.

 

It's like setting out to buy a dress. You have a very specific thing in mind, you've seen the dress in a magazine, but you can't find it in the stores you're shopping in. You look everywhere but can't find what you want. You can either buy something else, or you can hold out until you find exactly what you wanted. You know it exists, it's just going to take more time than you thought to find it. You don't have a lot of money to waste. But on the other hand you were really excited to buy a dress TODAY, you were counting on it in fact. Do you buy a dress now, one that doesnt' actually fit the bill, or do you wait until you can find the exact thing you're looking for?

 

Don't compromise yourself just to hold onto him. If he doesn't want the things that you want, he's not right for you. If he does want the things that you want, but for some reason he is unable to pursue them with you, he's not right for you. And if he's not right for you, how can you justify compromising yourself to suit what he wants and needs?

 

It's tough to break up with someone. Especially when you think that maybe they just need a little more time, or a slight change in perspective. But you can't bring that about. Not being in touch with him at all is probably a good idea, since it will prevent you from letting go of the idea of him, and moving on to someone better suited to who you are and what you want.

 

Good luck.

[mememe]

You are right. But after all that we've shared, I guess maybe I thought that my decision might have been too quick. We had about a 3 week break. He seemed pretty upbeat after the New Years, but I was feeling miserable and I guess it was easier to send him an e-mail when I was 7,000 miles away instead of waiting to come home and talking to him about it rationally. That's why I am feeling maybe that things might have turned out differently. The end result probably would have been the same, but maybe it might have taken longer to get to that final decision.

[Ally Boo]

I can understand where you are coming from though. If I feel like a guy just wants me as a girlfriend for like 8 years and THEN maybe get married...I don't want that. There is nothing wrong with asking what you did...however, when you give an ultimatem you knew that the possibility existed that you'd never be with him again. Just remember how important it was to you at the time, for you to ask him that. And stand by your words.

[mememe]

I sent him a brief e-mail couple of days ago aking him about his weekend and how he was doing. He seemed sad. He told me that this break up has been very difficult for him. I guess his friends have been telling him that it gets easier with time. He says he'll see if that's true.

 

I guess when I sent him the e-mail, I was expecting to hear that he was doing okay, but hearing that he's not doing so well made me really sad. I guess it would have made it easier for me if I heard that he was doing well. Because then, I would have been mad and it would have been easier for me to move on.

 

I've been trying to be strong the last few weeks, but now I'm feeling a bit vulnerable. A part of me wants to call him and hear his voice and talk to him. Maybe we still might have a chance but I know that I have to be strong and believe that things will work out for the best. I don't know. I'm still too confused. Maybe I jumped too quickly about giving him the ultimatum. I don't know now.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

No you did not jump in making an ultimatum. As a matter of fact, you were wise to do so. So many women move in with a guy, spend 8 to 20 years with them before they start saying anything about commitment and marriage, and wonder why the guy doesn't want to do the same. It's a waste of years and obviously you didn't feel like wasting any of yours.

 

3 years is plenty enough time for someone to decide whether they want to be commited to someone or seeing them exclusively. If it didn't take that long for you two to become lovers, how much longer does it have to take to commit? Either you want to or you don't. If you want a commited relationship, then that's the kind of partner that you need to seek.

 

It's hard to let go of someone you've been with for 3 years, I know. I've bee there. But if he's feeling sad because of this, it's not your fault, so don't feel guilty.

[mememe]

Thanks for the advice. It's just been a very hard 6 weeks now. I did see him briefly last weekend. We had a mutual friend performing with a band at a bar near where I live. It was weird seeing him. We talked breifly before the show and he wanted to talk some more afterwards. But I decided to leave without talking to him. It was weird, beacuse he was there with all his freineds and me with mine. I guess it's really tough also, since I'm good friends with his freinds and we could not all hang out together. Howpfully in time, once the hurt goes away, we can remain friends.

[kim]

Well I have been there and done that, I also went back after hearing the words " I am not ready to make future plans together". Needless to say I am single now and have been for the past 3 years, Right after the breakup I started going through everything I said and did and went through the why did I do that stage, Feeling bad and amybe I was pashy, I believe that you were not. 3 years together I think is enough time to know eachother and know if you want it or not. All break ups hurt no matter how long or short they are because you do nnot have that person right by your side as you did when you were together. It is a greving period with your loss, Go through that emotions and feel what you feel, if you over think it you will be feeling it alot longer then you have to, and believe me it takes time, Just be strong with it. Love is hard!!!!