Pretty General MM Question?

[Meaplus3]

If everything is so "Hunky dorey" at Home with the "W", then why would a MM get so very emotionally close to another woman MW os SW? What would he have to gain if he planned to not have sex? Just working through feeling's here.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

Because many men can separate love and sex.

 

Because many MM are selfish and feel they deserve to have their cake and eat it too.

 

I do believe people can only have casual sex with someone (both male and female) only for so long and then eventually feelings of emotional attachment begin to grow.

 

AP, I get the feeling you're trying to figure out why your exMM cheated on his wife, even though he had no intention of leaving her or having sex outside the marriage. Don't try to figure it out! Try to make your own closure because if you wonder about this for too long, you may open the door a crack.....Unless I'm off base here?

[lonelybird]

Actually I thought about this last night. Why one man need two women or more to fight for him? Because he wants them to stroke his ego. If he genuinly love them, he will consider the best for them, not just consider how to meet his own emotional need and own physical need. Did he consider what will bring to OW? NO. Did he consider how hurtful this would be to his wife? NO

 

And those women who fight for him actually is doing a deservice here. Why? They prevent the chance for him to grow more mature, and he stuck on his ego and self-centreness stage forever. He is satisfied with so many women love him and want him. and he don't have any space to seek higher purpose for human race and himself.

 

A man who hunger for love would want two or more women. Otherwise he is motived by his general.

[GreenEyedLady]

If everything is so "Hunky dorey" at Home with the "W", then why would a MM get so very emotionally close to another woman MW os SW? What would he have to gain if he planned to not have sex? Just working through feeling's here.

 

AP:)

 

Because everything is not hunky dory?

[whichwayisup]

And those women who fight for him actually is doing a deservice here. Why? They prevent the chance for him to grow more mature, and he stuck on his ego and self-centreness stage forever. He is satisfied with so many women love him and want him. and he don't have any space to seek higher purpose for human race and himself.

 

Well, one of "those" women is his wife, and I think she deserves to fight for her marriage.

[Meaplus3]

Because many men can separate love and sex.

 

Because many MM are selfish and feel they deserve to have their cake and eat it too.

 

I do believe people can only have casual sex with someone (both male and female) only for so long and then eventually feelings of emotional attachment begin to grow.

 

AP, I get the feeling you're trying to figure out why your exMM cheated on his wife, even though he had no intention of leaving her or having sex outside the marriage. Don't try to figure it out! Try to make your own closure because if you wonder about this for too long, you may open the door a crack.....Unless I'm off base here?

 

Whichway, This was the whole thing here at the end with mm. He finally told that if we had "Sex" he would have deep feeling's after telling me for month's that "Men can seperate their feeling's". very confusing.

 

AP:)

 

AP

[bullhunter]

because:

 

1. everything is not hunky dory

2. the man is feeling bad about something and seeing someone being attracted to him makes him feel good

3. it's very powerful to tell someone lies and have them believed

4. seeing someone excited about you is exciting

5. he's mixed up, messed up, and screwed up

6. he's angry with his wife

7. he's angry with women in general, feels abused and wants to get even

8. etc.

 

not all of the above were true for me, but a few of them were. (And like your MM, I never planned on having sex.)

[lonelybird]

because:

 

1. everything is not hunky dory

2. the man is feeling bad about something and seeing someone being attracted to him makes him feel good

3. it's very powerful to tell someone lies and have them believed

4. seeing someone excited about you is exciting

5. he's mixed up, messed up, and screwed up

6. he's angry with his wife

7. he's angry with women in general, feels abused and wants to get even

8. etc.

 

not all of the above were true for me, but a few of them were. (And like your MM, I never planned on having sex.)

so revenge to another gender will get even, and actually feel good?

[Meaplus3]

because:

 

1. everything is not hunky dory

2. the man is feeling bad about something and seeing someone being attracted to him makes him feel good

3. it's very powerful to tell someone lies and have them believed

4. seeing someone excited about you is exciting

5. he's mixed up, messed up, and screwed up

6. he's angry with his wife

7. he's angry with women in general, feels abused and wants to get even

8. etc.

 

not all of the above were true for me, but a few of them were.

 

Thank's bullhunter I will take that! 1-8 Sound's right and reasonable. Do you think this man loves his wife?

 

AP:)

[lonelybird]

Thank's bullhunter I will take that! 1-8 Sound's right and reasonable. Do you think this man loves his wife?

 

AP:)

Suppose you are in the position of his wife, he'd do the same.

[torranceshipman]

Yeah, I'm sure he loved his wife else he'd have left her. But he has zero RESPECT for her - and that's the issue here. Note that he'd have zero respect you for you too, else he wouldn't put you through all this misery. He hasn't got any respect for himself either, else the acting like a coward, lying and sneaking around part would bother him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Things are likely hunky dory in many ways at home. Otherwise he wouldn't stay. The areas that aren't hunky dory - well, that is what you are for. The emotional closeness he has with his wife isn't the same as the closeness he has for you. Different motivations, different things keeping him with both of you.

[smartgirl]

Not all situations are the same - just want to get that out there. But, our situation is like many others.

 

Men need validation that they are attractive to the opposite sex. Regularly and always. Sometimes they can get this through looks, flirting, someone wanting to hang around them. Sometimes that is enough.

 

But sometimes, they are feeling more insecure than usual and more in need of that validation. My husband described it as the desire to feel like a "winner." Sometimes its things at home, sometimes work and sometimes both. Then a woman begins to pay attention to them and the signs are unmistakable. This time they are more vulnerable and with the greater need comes the greater desire for the good feeling contact with the woman gives them. Then after a time, they crave it all the time.

 

Some men have enough self control to keep it from becoming physical. They are self aware enough to know that sex will bring them closer to the other woman and further from their wife. They want the feeling, but they don't want to blow up their life. The really smart ones realize they are making a mess and pull away.

 

My H wasn't one of the smart ones. He was one of the especially naive ones. He thought it would be a little consumation for a very little while and then they would both go their own ways. But it isn't that easy. Ask crack addicts.

 

People want to feel good. It is natural. It doesn't actually have to mean that things are any worse at home than they have ever been. It is a moment in time when they need more to feel good than usual. In my H's case he had a near miss at 28 and the real thing at 48. Notice anything about those ages? A little age panic? Yes it was.

[herenow]

When I first found out that my H was having an affair, I thought it was because he didn't love me. I assumed that he loved her and told him to go to her. Actually, I kicked him out.

 

He never went back to her and insisted that he loved me, never loved the OW, and that he has always loved me. This was very confusing. How could he love me and have sex with an OW?

 

It took many months of MC for me to understand that his affair was not about me or the OW, but it was about him. It became clear that the OW could have been anyone. There was nothing special about her except for the fact that she was willing to have sex with a married man. She thought he loved her and she indeed loved him. He did what he needed to keep the fix coming. His actions were purely selfish in all ways.

 

True, we had both become so comfortable in our everyday life, that our marriage was neglected. We were so wrapped up in kids, work, house, bills, reality, that we stopped doing those special things for each other that reinforced our love. This together with his lack of self, and an ability to compartmentalize, made it possible for him to carry on his affair.

 

So, to answer your question. All the things you said have nothing to do with a mans love for his wife. It's all about the man and how he feels about himself.

 

In my case, yes they had sex. In your case, he was getting something emotional. In both cases, the MM got the fix that he needed.

[Meaplus3]

When I first found out that my H was having an affair, I thought it was because he didn't love me. I assumed that he loved her and told him to go to her. Actually, I kicked him out.

 

He never went back to her and insisted that he loved me, never loved the OW, and that he has always loved me. This was very confusing. How could he love me and have sex with an OW?

 

It took many months of MC for me to understand that his affair was not about me or the OW, but it was about him. It became clear that the OW could have been anyone. There was nothing special about her except for the fact that she was willing to have sex with a married man. She thought he loved her and she indeed loved him. He did what he needed to keep the fix coming. His actions were purely selfish in all ways.

 

True, we had both become so comfortable in our everyday life, that our marriage was neglected. We were so wrapped up in kids, work, house, bills, reality, that we stopped doing those special things for each other that reinforced our love. This together with his lack of self, and an ability to compartmentalize, made it possible for him to carry on his affair.

 

So, to answer your question. All the things you said have nothing to do with a mans love for his wife. It's all about the man and how he feels about himself.

 

In my case, yes they had sex. In your case, he was getting something emotional. In both cases, the MM got the fix that he needed.

 

Thank's for sharing your story with me Herenow. I do believe that MM does have issues with himself I think it's a self esteem thing. He has such a large ego and has alway's seemed to me to need a ton of validation perhap's in his case his "W" just does not validate him enough. I guess I will alway's wonder why he took advantage of me when he suspected I was having trouble in my marriage. I fell for his crap, time and time again and boy did it take a toll on my emotion's.

 

AP:)

[reef man]

Because everything is not hunky dory?

 

If you are an OW, this is what you want to believe, isn't it?

[2sunny]

Thank's for sharing your story with me Herenow. I do believe that MM does have issues with himself I think it's a self esteem thing. He has such a large ego and has alway's seemed to me to need a ton of validation perhap's in his case his "W" just does not validate him enough. I guess I will alway's wonder why he took advantage of me when he suspected I was having trouble in my marriage. I fell for his crap, time and time again and boy did it take a toll on my emotion's.

 

AP:)

 

they have an incredible sense of when the window is cracked...

 

yep - i guess if you wait around long enough every marriage is bound to have a vulnerable day - that's when they move in for the kill... ooops - so to speak...

[sadbuttrue]

whether we want to believe that or not, it is true sometimes.

 

i dont know why everyone seems to think that the OW are ALWAYS wrong here. just because we think something, doesnt mean it is unequivocally wrong, we can be right sometimes too.

 

some marriages are unhappy, some are not. some men cheat because they are unhappy at home, some do it for other reasons.

[smartgirl]

When it comes to a man needing validation, and I mean one of those moments in his life when he REALLY needs it, anything the wife can do for him will pale next to the validation from another woman. The OW presumably wants him for his fabulous self - not "the package." If she's married and willing to take risks to be with him, then all the more validation that he must really be something special.

 

No matter how loving and devoted the wife is, she can never compete with the thrill of a new conquest. It just isn't the same in terms of a man feeling young and virile.

 

I know it is very popular to trash the MM for his selfishness and heartlessness. They are universally selfish, I'll give you that. And frequently thoughtless. But most men have very little ability to understand their own feelings and are therefore insensitive to the feelings they are causing in others. They also avoid confrontation like the plague. So they follow their impulses without thought to the harm they do and avoid dealing with the consequences when they begin to present themselves.

 

What I'm saying is that I doubt your MM meant to hurt you. He clearly did care about you and your caring about him meant a lot to him. He was clearly drawn to you and the way being with you made him feel. He should have stopped before it got started, but he didn't. Hence the selfish tag. He should have seen that you were vulnerable, but that probably just made him feel needed. When have you ever known a man to see things from any point of view but his own. I just don't believe that it means that he thinks less of you -- that you are disposable or inconsequencial. He just doesn't think.

[Impudent Oyster]

I firmly believe that most affairs occur when a marriage is just fine, but I'll humor you, let's say the marriage is going through a rough patch, or the couple has young children and the husband is feeling neglected (poor baby), or there are financial issues, or too much stress and for whatever reason AT THE MOMENT, things aren't "hunky dory"....SO WHAT?

 

Is that a green light for someone to become an interloper in a marriage? Does that make it OK to cheat?

 

The way some people try to justify affairs is laughable. I don't care if the marriage is hanging by a thread, you don't go there.

[silktricks]

IO, I would disagree.that most affairs take place when the marriage is fine, I know at least that my marriage was not fine at the time of the a.

 

But regardless, the person straying is obviously being extremely selfish at the time, showing no consideration and little love to thru partner.

 

SG, though, I felt called it right in her post, as did hn. My experience is fairly similar to that of hn. As my g was severely depressed at the time of the a, and desperately needed validation. Validation that I wasn't providing in a way that he could take in. That didn't make his actions my fault, but it did enable my understanding and forgiveness.

 

AP, in my opinion, based solely on my own experience, your mm's dslisnce with you does not mean that he doesn't love his wife. What it does mean, though, is that he isn't able to empathize with her. He can't understand the pain of either of you, as what he wants is more important to him than understanding your pain or his wife's pain is.

 

I'd like to say though that the kind of selfishness that an mm shows is not unusual. It's the same lcel of selfishness that many show when they are very needy. It's easier to see this form of selfishness accurately, though.

[OpenBook]

AP, this is a horrible thought - but is it possible that because you didn't "give it up" to him, that he decided to punish you by playing mind games with you? I've known men like that. They just like to mess with other people because they CAN.

 

The other possibility is that he was plain ol' confused himself - "How could I love my W and be so attracted to someone else at the same time???"

 

You know, in their early to mid-40's, men's brains start to shrink. Natural by-product of the aging process. Isn't that just FABULOUS...

 

Bottom line, AP - I am VERY proud of you girl for not giving him his "cake". He didn't get what he wanted. YES!!

[Meaplus3]

IO, I would disagree.that most affairs take place when the marriage is fine, I know at least that my marriage was not fine at the time of the a.

 

But regardless, the person straying is obviously being extremely selfish at the time, showing no consideration and little love to thru partner.

 

SG, though, I felt called it right in her post, as did hn. My experience is fairly similar to that of hn. As my g was severely depressed at the time of the a, and desperately needed validation. Validation that I wasn't providing in a way that he could take in. That didn't make his actions my fault, but it did enable my understanding and forgiveness.

 

AP, in my opinion, based solely on my own experience, your mm's dslisnce with you does not mean that he doesn't love his wife. What it does mean, though, is that he isn't able to empathize with her. He can't understand the pain of either of you, as what he wants is more important to him than understanding your pain or his wife's pain is.

 

I'd like to say though that the kind of selfishness that an mm shows is not unusual. It's the same lcel of selfishness that many show when they are very needy. It's easier to see this form of selfishness accurately, though.

 

"He can't understand the pain of either of you, as what he wants is more important to him than understanding your pain or his wife's pain is."

 

Silktrick's, Thank's for your reply. When I think about it, it makes perfect sense that "Empathy" might just be what he lack's. I think his alter Ego is what get's in the way of him beign able to truely feel for other's.

 

AP:)

[outofdarkness]

If everything is so "Hunky dorey" at Home with the "W", then why would a MM get so very emotionally close to another woman MW os SW? What would he have to gain if he planned to not have sex? Just working through feeling's here.

 

AP:)

Where did u come up w/ the hunky dorey thing? No M or R is perfect. Most MM just TELL their OW that things are horrible at home so that they can justify having the A...Also, most OW's, IMO, are good people...who would cannot see themselves getting involved w/ a MM who has a good M...That may sounds sort of simplified, but I think that's the jest of it IMO.

 

The answer to your question re: EA's IMO is that some MM get off on the "thrill of the chase" and the ability to "unload" on someone other then their W...It's sort of like...Why do they need a therapist if they can have it for free? JMHO...

[Meaplus3]

When it comes to a man needing validation, and I mean one of those moments in his life when he REALLY needs it, anything the wife can do for him will pale next to the validation from another woman. The OW presumably wants him for his fabulous self - not "the package." If she's married and willing to take risks to be with him, then all the more validation that he must really be something special.

 

No matter how loving and devoted the wife is, she can never compete with the thrill of a new conquest. It just isn't the same in terms of a man feeling young and virile.

 

I know it is very popular to trash the MM for his selfishness and heartlessness. They are universally selfish, I'll give you that. And frequently thoughtless. But most men have very little ability to understand their own feelings and are therefore insensitive to the feelings they are causing in others. They also avoid confrontation like the plague. So they follow their impulses without thought to the harm they do and avoid dealing with the consequences when they begin to present themselves.

 

What I'm saying is that I doubt your MM meant to hurt you. He clearly did care about you and your caring about him meant a lot to him. He was clearly drawn to you and the way being with you made him feel. He should have stopped before it got started, but he didn't. Hence the selfish tag. He should have seen that you were vulnerable, but that probably just made him feel needed. When have you ever known a man to see things from any point of view but his own. I just don't believe that it means that he thinks less of you -- that you are disposable or inconsequencial. He just doesn't think.

 

Smartgirl, Great post! Thank's

 

AP:)