OpenBook Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thanks Tomcat. (Sheesh.) Yes, a lot of anger is being thrown around here at LoveShack. The one common thread (excuse the pun) that I see in all of these stories is that WE'RE ALL JUST TRYING TO GET TO THE TRUTH HERE. Believe it or not, we're all pushing for the same thing. As far as Tomcat's EA definition, um... Am I to understand correctly that it's NEVER a good idea for a MM to have ANY type of friendship with a single person of the opposite sex?? And why isn't it possible to share your friends with each other?? AP - this is your thread. If I'm thread-jacking, just tell me to shut up and go away!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 As far as Tomcat's EA definition, um... Am I to understand correctly that it's NEVER a good idea for a MM to have ANY type of friendship with a single person of the opposite sex?? And why isn't it possible to share your friends with each other?? Well no, that's not exactly what I meant. I can only speak from my personal point of view ok? So if I am in a comitted relationship, and I become friends with let's say a male co-worker, what would that friendship entail? dinners out together? lengthy conversations over lunch, on the phone? extensive MSN chats? going to the movies together? I dunnow.... as benign as one might think that situation is it is really asking for trouble. Me personally, I may not have any interest whatsoever in this person in a romantic sense but he might have an underlying romantic interest in me and worse than that my partner might feel unecessary bouts of jealousy that I am contributing to, by spending all this time with this new man. I have a few good male friends, if I bring those friends into a rel then that's a different story because my partner will know of them and will know everything about them thanks to me. I won't be spending "alone"time with them if I know it makes my partner uneasy. Maybe it's a matter of budling that trust at first of letting my partner know that what I have with these men is just a plutonic tie nothing more. But if he just doesn't get it then I can't push it. And ideally I would like my partner to also like my friends so that we can all do things together. A good friend of the opposite sex also understands that the priority when in a rel is what's best for the rel. and so a riend will not try to come between that nor would I try to bring them between me and my partner. They will understand that all this "alone time" is just not apropriate anymore. Nor would any of my friends push for that and vice versa. besides if I want long conversations that's what my good female friends are for...no offense but I'd much rather get together with the girls as my "alone time away from the rel", than with my guy friends Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 As far as Tomcat's EA definition, um... Am I to understand correctly that it's NEVER a good idea for a MM to have ANY type of friendship with a single person of the opposite sex?? And why isn't it possible to share your friends with each other?? AP - this is your thread. If I'm thread-jacking, just tell me to shut up and go away!! Married people can have friends of the opposite sex, but as long as the spouse knows the person and is included too, atleast once in a while. The problem is, when you spend too much time one on one with an opposite sex friend, especially one where there's chemistry/feelings there to begin with, it's just asking for trouble...Especially if the conversations start leading off the straight and narrow..... I do believe men and women can have a friendship, as long as the boundries are set up and noone is crossing any lines that could lead to something else. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 feel a lot of the anger is misdirected on this forum and if anyone should be on the receiving end of it if should be the cheater. That's just how I see it, because the cheater is the only person who fully knew what was going on in both situations. Yes, alot of anger is directed more at the OW/OM as they're the ones posting most of the time, not the MM or MW. I've seen afew MM post here on LS, and they've become moving targets...Like all the OW ganged up and poured their anger out on him - Kind of ironic, wouldn't you say? I mean, that MM isn't the MM who hurt the OW, yet he got it good from all angles... But, with that being said, an OW/OM has to be responsible for their part and not put ALL the blame on the MM/MW. They knew upfront and going in that the MM was married, and noone was holding a gun to their heads to stick around and wait... Anyway, that's my 2 cents. And just FYI to everyone, this isn't directed at anyone in particular. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 Married people can have friends of the opposite sex, but as long as the spouse knows the person and is included too, atleast once in a while. The problem is, when you spend too much time one on one with an opposite sex friend, especially one where there's chemistry/feelings there to begin with, it's just asking for trouble...Especially if the conversations start leading off the straight and narrow..... I do believe men and women can have a friendship, as long as the boundries are set up and noone is crossing any lines that could lead to something else. "especially one where there's chemistry/feelings there to begin with, it's just asking for trouble...Especially if the conversations start leading off the straight and narrow....." I so agree with what you said here Whichway, this is exactly what happend in my case. If there is chemistry and feeling's you can very easily head for trouble and BIG trouble! Best to stop it right away. AP Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Yes, alot of anger is directed more at the OW/OM as they're the ones posting most of the time, not the MM or MW. I've seen afew MM post here on LS, and they've become moving targets...Like all the OW ganged up and poured their anger out on him - Kind of ironic, wouldn't you say? I mean, that MM isn't the MM who hurt the OW, yet he got it good from all angles... Can you blame the OW for having ill feelings towards the cheaters that come on here to the OW/OM support forum? The cheater is the true culprit in misleading both women, the partner and the OW. I can think of one cheater in particular who came on here claiming that as soon as he was ready to retake the marriage he was more than happy to throw the OW under the bus. Is that really what an OW/OM needs to hear while on here? While some BS chear them on!?!? C''mon seem awfully counterproductive to me and perhaps that's why certain posts created a lot of animosity. And yes I agree the cheaters that come on here and post are certainly not the men who did whatever to the OW here and not all men who had As are met with anger. The ones who come on here to flaunt how good it felt to get rid of the OW and throw her under the bus, will be faced with some sort of reistance, it's only natural given the nature of this forum and the sensitivity of a lot of the people who are freshly put out of if not still involved in As. And let me also be the one who reminds that these very OW that they are so happy to dispose of and are singing glory about doing so, are the very women who they were saying they loved BEFORE they got caught. I agree a lot of irony going on. Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 AP - in MC my H was asked what he had learned through this experience that would help him/us in the future. He said one thing was to not get into personal situations with female co-workers - no lunches alone, no talking about personal issues (helps to break down barriers), no spending time alone talking. It all helped to develop a sense of closeness and made it easier to ultimately take the leap. From what I have read on the various forums on LS, it is just that kind of friendship that ultimately makes the two people feel intimate toward one another. Remember, most guys never open up like that to anyone but their spouse, so it gives them that same kind of warm and fuzzy toward the OW. Just too, too dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 I firmly believe that most affairs occur when a marriage is just fine, but I'll humor you, let's say the marriage is going through a rough patch, or the couple has young children and the husband is feeling neglected (poor baby), or there are financial issues, or too much stress and for whatever reason AT THE MOMENT, things aren't "hunky dory"....SO WHAT? Is that a green light for someone to become an interloper in a marriage? Does that make it OK to cheat? The way some people try to justify affairs is laughable. I don't care if the marriage is hanging by a thread, you don't go there. yes if things were black and white and no inbetween then I would say that you are right however not everyone is perfect and things are sometimes taken to far. If there is a marriage that is hanging on by a thread and there is nothing left a MM or a MW may seek intamacy else where. This does not make him or her a bad person... Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 AP - in MC my H was asked what he had learned through this experience that would help him/us in the future. He said one thing was to not get into personal situations with female co-workers - no lunches alone, no talking about personal issues (helps to break down barriers), no spending time alone talking. It all helped to develop a sense of closeness and made it easier to ultimately take the leap. From what I have read on the various forums on LS, it is just that kind of friendship that ultimately makes the two people feel intimate toward one another. Remember, most guys never open up like that to anyone but their spouse, so it gives them that same kind of warm and fuzzy toward the OW. Just too, too dangerous. This was a GREAT post, and one which really resonated w/ myself and my past situation regarding my H's cheating. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Married people can have friends of the opposite sex, but as long as the spouse knows the person and is included too, atleast once in a while. The problem is, when you spend too much time one on one with an opposite sex friend, especially one where there's chemistry/feelings there to begin with, it's just asking for trouble...Especially if the conversations start leading off the straight and narrow..... I do believe men and women can have a friendship, as long as the boundries are set up and noone is crossing any lines that could lead to something else. Yes, it's the deception and secretiveness that really put a male/female R into dangerous territory. If the W or H is well aware of the friendship and kep abreast of the activities that the friends do together, I see no harm in it. It's impossible now days to say that males can't have meaningful and long lasting friendships...But as you say, boundaries must be set and the S must be totally "in the loop"...Thanks for a very good post Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 If he genuinly love them, he will consider the best for them, not just consider how to meet his own emotional need and own physical need. This reminds me of Team America World Police... An older guy in a bar sees a younger man, obviously drunk and down on himself. When the older guy approaches him, he says he's been a "d*ck." The older man tells him being a d*ck isn't so bad. Then explains that the world has 3 types of people...d*cks, p*ssies, and a-holes. Of course the p*ssies think everyone can get along. The p*ssies get mad at d*cks sometimes because d*cks f*ck p*ssies, but a-holes just like to $hit all over everything. And if there weren't d*cks to also f*ck the a-holes, then the d*cks and p*ssies would all be covered in $hit. What people fail to realize is these three types of people can be married, single, and divorced. There are no set combinations. Two a-holes, two p*ssies, two d*cks, a p*ssy and a d*ck, etc. The purest love I've seen is from parent to child. However, parents can love their child and their narcissism or neglect could make their child a p*ssy, d*ck, or a-hole. Their child could develop these habits on their own. No matter what, the parent will love that child. I haven't seen that kind of love between any married couple I've encountered. And I believe people expect that and get their feelings hurt. I hope I haven't offended anyone, but I thought that clip was genious. When we are children, fairy tales tell us life is one way and experience tells us life is nothing like a fairy tale at all. That's my point. Link to post Share on other sites
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