maoz Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Hello, I'de like to share this: I'm in my late 30's, very attractive and young-looking. Me and my husband are having fertility problems so we are not yet a family, the physical and emotional aspects of this are difficult. I'm stongly attracted to a 26 year old man at my workplace who has been flirting with me for quite a while, he also used to touch me lightly - not in offensive places, and call me "sweetie" and i enjoyed his attention. HE knows i am marrued and my age. Once we physically bumped into eachother by accident and he hugged me and whispered softly:"i'm sorry" , which really turned me on. The flirting went on until it began to damage my well-being, i suppose, so i confronted him about it. Needless to say i was nervous as hell when i did it. We went to a quiet spot and after i spit it out he said that i was very brave to approach him in this manner, and that few people have the guts to do so. He also said he would not cheat and has a girfriend for 4 months now. Therw was some more flirting and a nice friendly conversation since then. The problem - my thoughts about him are becoming obssessive - i'm so attracted to him ! what to do ?? Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 If your thoughts are obsessive about him like you say, then you need to find another place of work, or maybe change departments if possible. If you love your husband and want a child with him, you need to move past this other guy and get into some serious marriage counseling. Don't have a child with your husband either until you are completely committed to him and your marriage, and at this point you're not. This other guy made it clear to you, that he has a g/f and wouldn't cheat. So thats your cue to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 You know what to do. Do you want approval from us to have a fling with this guy because you are not having the sex life you desire? Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I think the answer he gave you was not the one you wanted to hear. I feel the same as Yamaha and JackJack. If you are unhappy in your marriage then you should leave him and by no means should you be considering children at this time. Unless you want to be like one of those single mothers or something. I ain't got no problem with that if that is your goal. I think you can pull it off! You can bring all kinds of 26 year olds to the house... or apartment I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maoz Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Thanks for your reply. It is clear to me that this attractive 26 year old is not an option for me. I was flattered by his attention - its a kind of reassurance or confirmation that i am attractive , and to a younger man. He nearly fell when I told him i'm not 26. I suppose that in my fantasy i imagined him saying :"i am very attracted to you as well but you know we can't do anything about it..." Instead he told me I look good (=attractive) and that he can not believe the age difference between us. When we talked his eyes almost turned from brown to black, it was strange. He is not the real issue - my marriage and the problem we face - is. He works in another dept. not in mine, he comes to mine due to the nature of his work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maoz Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 I do not want approval to have a fling, and this is about deeper things than just sex. i want approval from this guy that i'm attractive as a woman and as a person, I think. Perhaps i'm insecure in this manner. "What to do"? is more an expression of frustration. Besides - what does it say about his character flirting with me heavily while he has a girlfriend ? i'm sure his girlfriend woul'dnt like it. Why does he not take responsibility for his flirting ? Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 i want approval from this guy that i'm attractive as a woman and as a person, That needs to come from within yourself. Perhaps you husband can reassure you, that you're attractive. Besides - what does it say about his character flirting with me heavily while he has a girlfriend ? i'm sure his girlfriend woul'dnt like it. What do you think it says about yours that you are wanting his attention and to tell you how attractive you are? I'm sure your husband wouldn't like it much either. He is not the real issue - my marriage and the problem we face - is. Why not suggest marriage counseling to your husband for you both? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Hello, I'de like to share this: I'm in my late 30's, very attractive and young-looking. Me and my husband are having fertility problems so we are not yet a family, the physical and emotional aspects of this are difficult. I'm stongly attracted to a 26 year old man at my workplace who has been flirting with me for quite a while, he also used to touch me lightly - not in offensive places, and call me "sweetie" and i enjoyed his attention. HE knows i am marrued and my age. Once we physically bumped into eachother by accident and he hugged me and whispered softly:"i'm sorry" , which really turned me on. The flirting went on until it began to damage my well-being, i suppose, so i confronted him about it. Needless to say i was nervous as hell when i did it. We went to a quiet spot and after i spit it out he said that i was very brave to approach him in this manner, and that few people have the guts to do so. He also said he would not cheat and has a girfriend for 4 months now. Therw was some more flirting and a nice friendly conversation since then. The problem - my thoughts about him are becoming obssessive - i'm so attracted to him ! what to do ?? And gawd... what a feeling!!!! I know how obsessed you can become with a much younger guy... but deep inside you know very well it's not love, it's lust...but lust with a capital L. It is also an extremely effective self-esteem 'boost' trust me... I am still 'floating' from my last fling...he was 23, I am 54... gosh this is incredible... I know how you feel... but unless you act on it or you simply try to 'forget' about the whole thing... you will remain 'obsessed' with this guy if you see him from time to time. The only way to move on...is NO contact at all... otherwise, as soon as you will see him.. your heart will race... it can become damaging to your marriage or even to yourself. But what a feeling!!! Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 You stated in your first post that you were attractive and young looking. So I'm assuming you would just like to hear someone tell you so? Nothing wrong with wanting others to tell you that you're attractive looking, but it would mean the most coming from a spouse I would imagine. I take it there is more going on in your marriage besides just fertility problems. I'm sure that can weigh on a couple. If you could tell us more about exactly what is going on or not going on in your marriage, we might can better understand things and be able to offer more advice, to see the bigger picture. I do think, you need to cut all ties with this other man. I haven't seen where you said you want to work on things with your husband though. Link to post Share on other sites
VegasGirl_77 Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 I can totally relate here since I am kind of in the same situation as well right now (except not married and definitely not looking to have kids). Attractive co-worker (except he is older than me by 10 years), lots and lots of flirting, some physical contact at work (but most of it is just because it is inevitable in my job - I am a nurse)...and lots of fantasizing. I wouldn't say my thoughts are obsessive, but when we work together you can almost touch the lust in the air it's so strong. It's really hard for me to say no to his advances. My boyfriend and I have our fair share of problems, don't get me wrong, and I am not 100% happy in our relationship - there are things we need to iron out for sure - but right now, I wouldn't do it. There are sometimes when my boyfriend and I argue and yell and things aren't going well that I think "Hmm, I should call up _____ and get it on" but then when I think that, I find myself getting so nervous I start shaking. So I know I would never do it. But I understand totally about the lust thing, because that is all it really is for you. You have found someone you are physically attracted to and who makes you feel sexy and turns you on...I think it's natural to react in a certain way when you see someone/meet someone who is sexy to you. But acting on it isn't good and you should just keep fantasy a fantasy and reality a reality. Unless of course you get rid of the husband first then you can do whatever you want, no guilt Link to post Share on other sites
Author maoz Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 This is the first time I have ever written anything in an internet forum, its a strange experience... Some replies are aggressive while others are more empathic - like Pandorasbox reply. I would like to tell more about my situation but the exposure is a bit scary for me -being like this on the net for the first time. Its true - fertility problems is a hard thing on a couple, also I live in a part of the world where society is very family oriented, so I feel irregular. I love my husband, he is what one would call "a good fellow". He is not a very communicative type of person who initiates conversations with people, he usually keeps to himself. Also he lost his father a few months ago after a terrible illness, and his mother is a difficult person with mental problems and now a widow, and she drives my husband crazy. We talk about this and our problems, we do communicate. My husband is a rather passive person. What has been said here about lust may be true, I think its only human to have thsese urges, and another thing to act on them. One reply said something about "buck", English is not my native tongue so if this is slang for what I think it is - i find this offensive. I think I'm attracted to this man partly if not mostly because of his communicative skills, he is so open and social and I find this appealing. When we talk I feel alive, and it makes me feel good. At the end of my confession to him I said i'm imbarresed and that i'm tempted but that he is right ofcourse about setting boundries. I think it was a respectful conversdation. Link to post Share on other sites
reef man Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 ............................... Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 I think I'm attracted to this man partly if not mostly because of his communicative skills, he is so open and social and I find this appealing. I think its human nature to like qualities in others we either wish we had ourselves, or wish our spouse had. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I do think SOMETIMES those qualities people's spouses may lack, is what can get people in trouble as far as wanting to pursue something further with another if it was acted upon. Its best to either try to find those good qualities in the spouse that we like and kind of go with that. Or possibly seek out marriage counseling, a professional who might can help your husband learn to open up more and communicate better. My question to you is, do you want things to work out between you and your husband? If so, would you be willing to talk with him about some counseling for you both? Do you think he would go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author maoz Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thankyou for your thoughtful reply. I agree with what you say, and I have offered my husband councelling, but he refuses to go. I think we are stuck in a very difficult situation with no kids and nowhere to go from here, so it seems. We are in our 30's and everyone around us has children which so enriches one's life. As you can imagine fertility treatments are no picnic and when they do not work other options are considered, and I'm not ready to consider them yet. Maybe this guy reminds me of what its like to be in your 20's and still care-free. My husband is a good person and he has opened up to me more than he ever has to anyone, but i guess some basic need of mine is not being fulfilled. The attractive man at work seeks my company occasionally and it feels to me like he is attracted, but lately he seems to be pulling away and he comes around much less, which is probably a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts