Second Chances?

[Stubborn]

On May 23, I found out that my live-in boyfriend of 2.5 years cheated on me in December, 2 years into our relationship. It was supposedly a one-time thing.. no emotion, just sex.

 

Some background..

 

 

We met in college, both of us out of state students who would travel back to our respective hometowns during breaks. He's in the army, and in the summers, I spend my time pursuing my career.

 

When we first started flirting, I didn't know he had a girlfriend. Then she showed up at college. He ended up liking me more, dumped her, and less than three weeks later, we were an item. I found some information that she posted online that stated that he was attempting to convince her to have sex with him about six weeks into our relationship.

 

He chalked it up to joking, and her misinterpreting his profanity. So I simply forbid him to talk to her.

 

Fast forward to last October. I had his phone for a few hours, and during that time, a particular other female called and text messaged him. I looked her up on line to see they dated 3+ years ago, and that she still was not over him! I told him that I didn't like her- she wasn't over him, posted provacative photos of herself online, and even wrote a little something about the first time they had sex (back when they were dating, I didn't know him). So I forbid him to contact her as well.

 

So I'm out of town, pursuing my career and I got super paranoid. Checked his email account to find a very long time ago (January 06), he sent photos of his penis to this girl- before I forbid him to talk to her.

 

So I emailed her, to find out that they had sex in December. He finally admits to it, and immediately books flights and a rental car to come down here and talk about it. This is huge- cost him a lot of money, and valuable time- he's supposed to be training for an upcoming mission.

 

At this point, I'm not sure that reconciliation is what I want, because let's face it- he didn't tell me, I had to find it.

 

And, since he was only here 4 days, we decided to wait on councelling, until I move back north for the school year, or until he moves down here for a few weeks.

 

He leaves, after being really really great, and then she contacts me to say that it wasn't the first time- they had sex two other times.

He remembers meeting her one of those times- but just as a friend.

So who do I believe?

 

Him? He waited 'til I cornered him to tell me about cheating in December... but says that these other times they've met, but nothing happened.

 

Her? She says she has a 2 month old, which would mean she was 6 months pregnant when they screwed. But he didn't know she was pregnant- wouldn't he notice a 6-month belly? Her myspace doesn't reflect that she's had a kid- in photos, info section, comments, nothing! In fact, her past blogs state that since she's had multiple abortions, her doctors think that conceiving is not likely.

 

 

And there's another concern- he has previously denied me to a lot of people- either doing unboyfriendly things like invinting girls over behind my back (when we're apart), for a drink, though it never happened- or telling people (like the other woman) that I don't even exist! And he lied to tell me he was going to sleep, when really he had planned to rendezvous with a slut.

I've laid down my law hard-core now.. he can't so much as meet with another girl without telling me. I have access to all his email, facebook, etc. He says he doesn't even want to look at other girls, and constantly refers to the OW as a "lying bitch/whore." I don't doubt that he loves me, and that this fling was "only" physical.

 

He says that denying me was to preserve some sort of social mystery- which I think is a load of bull****, and think he really means "so I can preserve any chance to get laid," which is what he said the reason for denying me to the other woman was.

 

He's super sexual, like most guys, and I'm just.. not. I know that doesn't justify what he did- nothing ever will.. and I do very much lament the loss of innocence our relationship has suffered.

 

Yet another condition of our potential reconciliation is ridding himself of his porn "collection." I never liked it, and now I have a bigger reason to not liek it- so it's gone. He's really giving up a lot for another chance.

 

He says he's done lying about me, and won't cheat again. He knew it was only a matter of time until I found out- but claims he was going to tell me when he got more comfortable with it. Who knows how true that was- I know him to be a somewhat selfish individual, and know that he was trying to keep me around as long as possible.

 

Y'all probably think I'm stupid for staying- and maybe I am. It's just not easy to break when things are so great when we're physically together. We have lived together for 2 years, and have signed a lease for next year. We have dogs together, love each other's families, etc. I don't hesitate to say that our relationship is very much like any married couples.. we just don't have anything binding- thank God.

 

Oddly enough, the past two weeks or so have been enough that I no longer have those stinging thoughts and flashes of images in my mind. I'm somewhat "over" whatever happened in December, but I will never again be so shocked about finding out someone has cheated. I'm expecting it now, so I won't be hurt. I'm prepared but hopeful.

 

I guess if these changes are made, we go to counselling, and he never cheats or denies me again, I'm okay with the deal.

 

I'd rather give it a shot, then suffer through an awkward senior year of college, living with my cheating, lying ex. And of course, I do still love him.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. Support? Advice? Any sort of insight you can pick from my novel?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read! =)

[polywog]

Geez, stubborn... I know you love him, but his track record of lying and cheating.... how can you trust him? I'd like to tell you to break up and move on, so you will meet a more worthy man. Easy for me to say, I know, because I'm not you, in love with him... but still, I'd say leave him.

[Stubborn]

Geez, stubborn... I know you love him, but his track record of lying and cheating.... how can you trust him? I'd like to tell you to break up and move on, so you will meet a more worthy man. Easy for me to say, I know, because I'm not you, in love with him... but still, I'd say leave him.

 

First and foremost- thank you for acknolwedging that it's easy for you to say, not necessarily for me to act on- You won't believe how many I've run into who feel otherwise. =)

 

I can't trust him. I've always had trust issues with everyone. I didn't trust him before he cheated on me- though of all the people in the world, I considered him to be one of those I trusted most. Clearly, he's been knocked down quite a few pegs... and it's going to take a lot of email checking, text message reading, and phone snooping if I'm ever going to regain any semblance of trust in him again. He's given me access to all of those things, and so I suppose it starts there.

 

Someone once told me that lying and cheating puts someone into a debt of trust, and they've got to make deposits in order to regain trust. He's to tell me of any female contact prior to it happening, if it's anticipated, or after the fact if it isn't. Certain facebok friends were removed, and he's not to read/answer any correspondence from them- instead report the correspondence directly to me. Which he has done on a few occasions- small deposits, of course, but he's starting to pay off that debt, a few pennies a day.

 

I suppose my point is that the trust issue is somthing I've struggled with all my life, and will continue to do so.. unfortunately.

[curiousnycgirl]

I have mixed emotions on this one - I would say that it is clear you never trusted him - by virtue of the fact that you "forbid" him from being in touch with his ex right from the stat of the relationship.

 

You should not have the right or the power to forbid him from doing anything. You are not his mother and he is not a child. Forbidding him was putting an artificial trust in place - if he didn't speak with her, he couldn't cheat with her. BS. You need to be able to trust that he would be faithful even if he is in touch with her.

 

For me - cheating and lying (which I consider to be the same thing) are my two non starters and my boyfriend knows it. If I found out he had done either to me - the relationship would be over. Because to me trust is the foundation for everything.

 

So having said all that - are you sure you love him? You've never trusted him - how can you possibly love him?

 

I think you need to face the music and just move on. It will hurt, but in the end it will be worth it.

[Stubborn]

I have mixed emotions on this one - I would say that it is clear you never trusted him - by virtue of the fact that you "forbid" him from being in touch with his ex right from the stat of the relationship.

 

You should not have the right or the power to forbid him from doing anything. You are not his mother and he is not a child. Forbidding him was putting an artificial trust in place - if he didn't speak with her, he couldn't cheat with her. BS. You need to be able to trust that he would be faithful even if he is in touch with her.

 

For me - cheating and lying (which I consider to be the same thing) are my two non starters and my boyfriend knows it. If I found out he had done either to me - the relationship would be over. Because to me trust is the foundation for everything.

 

So having said all that - are you sure you love him? You've never trusted him - how can you possibly love him?

 

I think you need to face the music and just move on. It will hurt, but in the end it will be worth it.

 

You've got a lot of valid points that interestingly enough- no one has made me realize yet!

 

I don't trust anyone, it's just a fact of life for me. I am capable of loving without trusting. Of everyone in my life, I trusted him the most- suffice to say he's no longer in such high regard.

 

Yes, I would like at some point in time for him to self-regulate. I am a controlling bitch.

 

I am prepared to face the music one day- I just don't know that today's the day.. I feel like I need to give it my best shot.