I have an insecurity.

[dbtmarley]

I am looking for a little advice on how to deal with what I'd like to refer to as a complicated insecurity.

 

 

Some of you may know a little of my story, but just to give a little background a will give a little more detail.

 

 

I am a 38 yr old HIV positive male. I just recently married a woman who is also positive and is 28 years old. We are expecting a child in September. Just to clarify for those who may be angry or concerned.. there is now less than a 1% chance of mother passing it on to baby.

 

Both of us are in excellent health and luckily both of us have health insurance so medication adherance is not an issue for either of us.

 

Here is where my insecurity lies.

 

I cannot seem to get back to my normal well toned body type weight. Her hobby is to run marathons and such... so as you can imagine she has a kicking body! Her I am presently at 5' 9" weighing in at a feather weight 135 at best!!

 

When she met me I was just coming off what is referred to as seroconversion, when your body is just becoming positive and the initial sickness was just awful. I weighed 120 lbs I think and she was this beautiful, intelligent, and confident woman I so admired. Still can't figure what attracted her to me... I mean I am a good looking guy, but I was one who looked dead... **** when I wear my clothes they look like I forgot to take them off the hanger.

 

We don't have any issues. I have no problems with anything we do. The last two years have been the happiest of my entire life because of her.

 

Here is MY problem.

 

I have these thoughts that I will lose her. While I think another man could not treat her better (I still give foot rubs) and she knows I am an excellent father (have two other children).

 

Folks my image of myself is not favorable anymore. I have not talked to her about this. Why? Because I view this as showing a weakness and it is one I really have a problem showing. I adore my wife.... she gave me reason to want to live again. She showed me that relationships were still possible after I had managed to convince myself that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

 

I am agry at myself for feeling this way. Some of it I feel is because of the medications I am on. I know I suffer from depression.

 

It is hard for me to share, but I am afraid she will leave me one day. I am afraid someone with the great body that I once had will come along and sweep her off her feet.

 

She has been positive longer than I. Her first boyfriend gave it to her. She may have possibly had it for close to 10 years now. I am fairly new to it all, working on my third year.

 

I was the first positive man she dated. Even after disclosure her other two boyfriends had no issue with it and used protection.

 

I once saw pictures accidentally after we started dating and one of the guys was the epitome of good health and fitness.. WTF!?! Where am I going with this.. I guess I am trying to say I am insecure about my body and all.

 

We just married last Thursday. Here I am thinking about this stuff, I think about it when she sleeps too..

 

How do I get over these thoughts? Any ideas?

 

T

[Lizzie60]

I am looking for a little advice on how to deal with what I'd like to refer to as a complicated insecurity.

 

 

Some of you may know a little of my story, but just to give a little background a will give a little more detail.

 

 

I am a 38 yr old HIV positive male. I just recently married a woman who is also positive and is 28 years old. We are expecting a child in September. Just to clarify for those who may be angry or concerned.. there is now less than a 1% chance of mother passing it on to baby.

 

Both of us are in excellent health and luckily both of us have health insurance so medication adherance is not an issue for either of us.

 

Here is where my insecurity lies.

 

I cannot seem to get back to my normal well toned body type weight. Her hobby is to run marathons and such... so as you can imagine she has a kicking body! Her I am presently at 5' 9" weighing in at a feather weight 135 at best!!

 

When she met me I was just coming off what is referred to as seroconversion, when your body is just becoming positive and the initial sickness was just awful. I weighed 120 lbs I think and she was this beautiful, intelligent, and confident woman I so admired. Still can't figure what attracted her to me... I mean I am a good looking guy, but I was one who looked dead... **** when I wear my clothes they look like I forgot to take them off the hanger.

 

We don't have any issues. I have no problems with anything we do. The last two years have been the happiest of my entire life because of her.

 

Here is MY problem.

 

I have these thoughts that I will lose her. While I think another man could not treat her better (I still give foot rubs) and she knows I am an excellent father (have two other children).

 

Folks my image of myself is not favorable anymore. I have not talked to her about this. Why? Because I view this as showing a weakness and it is one I really have a problem showing. I adore my wife.... she gave me reason to want to live again. She showed me that relationships were still possible after I had managed to convince myself that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

 

I am agry at myself for feeling this way. Some of it I feel is because of the medications I am on. I know I suffer from depression.

 

It is hard for me to share, but I am afraid she will leave me one day. I am afraid someone with the great body that I once had will come along and sweep her off her feet.

 

She has been positive longer than I. Her first boyfriend gave it to her. She may have possibly had it for close to 10 years now. I am fairly new to it all, working on my third year.

 

I was the first positive man she dated. Even after disclosure her other two boyfriends had no issue with it and used protection.

 

I once saw pictures accidentally after we started dating and one of the guys was the epitome of good health and fitness.. WTF!?! Where am I going with this.. I guess I am trying to say I am insecure about my body and all.

 

We just married last Thursday. Here I am thinking about this stuff, I think about it when she sleeps too..

 

How do I get over these thoughts? Any ideas?

 

T

 

When she met me I was just coming off what is referred to as seroconversion, when your body is just becoming positive and the initial sickness was just awful. I weighed 120 lbs I think and she was this beautiful, intelligent, and confident woman I so admired.

 

But she fell in love with YOU...right?

 

I have these thoughts that I will lose her.

 

Let me tell you that even if you were Adonis, blablabla...there is no guarantee for NO ONE that their partner will not leave them... No one can say for sure that their spouse will never cheat or leave them for whatever reason.

 

So I say to you...stop this nonsense. You just got married for Pete's sake....

 

I don't know if you're being treated for depression, if not, you should consult for that.

 

ps: I don't agree with you two having children though eventhough you say there is less than 1% of chance....it's still 1%... and no child deserves that. She should have gone for an abortion. but that's me...

 

Good luck with everything!

[dbtmarley]

When she met me I was just coming off what is referred to as seroconversion, when your body is just becoming positive and the initial sickness was just awful. I weighed 120 lbs I think and she was this beautiful, intelligent, and confident woman I so admired.

 

But she fell in love with YOU...right?

 

I have these thoughts that I will lose her.

 

Let me tell you that even if you were Adonis, blablabla...there is no guarantee for NO ONE that their partner will not leave them... No one can say for sure that their spouse will never cheat or leave them for whatever reason.

 

So I say to you...stop this nonsense. You just got married for Pete's sake....

 

I don't know if you're being treated for depression, if not, you should consult for that.

 

ps: I don't agree with you two having children though eventhough you say there is less than 1% of chance....it's still 1%... and no child deserves that. She should have gone for an abortion. but that's me...

 

Good luck with everything!

 

 

 

Totally respect your opinion Lizzie. I think three years ago I would have said the same.

 

Thanks for the good luck, but I'll take the odds. My luck has always been crappy.

[sb129]

Firstly dbt, thanks for being so open and honest. I don't consider talking about your feelings and concerns as a weakness.

 

In fact, doing so with such candour on a public forum shows strength. Because people can say anything they like on here.

You have also displayed strength by the way you have gotten on with your life after being diagnosed.

 

Have you considered being so open and honest with your wife?

 

She loves you, and she knows you. I am sure she won't see your insecurity as a weakness,- we all feel some fear that the love of our life won't feel the same way about us as we do about them, if you deal with it in a healthy and positive way it can be what keeps your love alive, and can stop you taking eachother for granted.

 

Talk to her! She married YOU! She loves you as you are.

 

 

PS Lizzie, no offense, but I think your comment about abortion was a little callous.

There is 1% (or in some cases greater) chance that ANY child can be born with a variety of different problems due to many different risk factors, but we don't tell everyone who gets pregnant under less than optimal circumstances to abort their child.

[Lizzie60]

Firstly dbt, thanks for being so open and honest. I don't consider talking about your feelings and concerns as a weakness.

 

In fact, doing so with such candour on a public forum shows strength. Because people can say anything they like on here.

You have also displayed strength by the way you have gotten on with your life after being diagnosed.

 

Have you considered being so open and honest with your wife?

 

She loves you, and she knows you. I am sure she won't see your insecurity as a weakness,- we all feel some fear that the love of our life won't feel the same way about us as we do about them, if you deal with it in a healthy and positive way it can be what keeps your love alive, and can stop you taking eachother for granted.

 

Talk to her! She married YOU! She loves you as you are.

 

 

PS Lizzie, no offense, but I think your comment about abortion was a little callous.

There is 1% (or in some cases greater) chance that ANY child can be born with a variety of different problems due to many different risk factors, but we don't tell everyone who gets pregnant under less than optimal circumstances to abort their child.

 

To get an amnio-synthese test first...and if the child had HIV then to get an abortion... but you're right... the test should be done first. I forgot to mention that.

[sb129]

To get an amnio-synthese test first...and if the child had HIV then to get an abortion... but you're right... the test should be done first. I forgot to mention that.

 

Oh, for sure. Agreed.

 

Not sure if OP mentioned whether or not they had had a test yet.

[dbtmarley]

I guess I should clarify. So people like Lizzie can have a better understanding.

 

My wife and I are both undetectable due to the medications that we take on a daily basis. This alone and with a few other procedures during the actual birth actually make it pretty much a guaranteed thing according to our doctors.

 

The less than 1% includes many variables, including mothers who did not know they were infected while pregant.

 

 

Like I said... I am taking the odds and I feel confident with that. My wife and I both considered the risks and after talking with our doctors we feel like we made the right choice.

 

There is no way as of yet to really tell before birth whether the baby will be positive or negative. The baby will keep the mothers antibodies in it's system for up to 6 weeks regardless...

 

I don't have a problem being open about it here, if one chooses to judge me here it is of no consequence to either of us... It is ironic though. I get very little fan fare in the HIV forum I visit because I am straight and I think perhaps here it may be the same because of HIV.

 

Just so you know we are both very clean (lol) looking.

[Lizzie60]

I guess I should clarify. So people like Lizzie can have a better understanding.

 

My wife and I are both undetectable due to the medications that we take on a daily basis. This alone and with a few other procedures during the actual birth actually make it pretty much a guaranteed thing according to our doctors.

 

The less than 1% includes many variables, including mothers who did not know they were infected while pregant.

 

 

Like I said... I am taking the odds and I feel confident with that. My wife and I both considered the risks and after talking with our doctors we feel like we made the right choice.

 

There is no way as of yet to really tell before birth whether the baby will be positive or negative. The baby will keep the mothers antibodies in it's system for up to 6 weeks regardless...

 

I don't have a problem being open about it here, if one chooses to judge me here it is of no consequence to either of us... It is ironic though. I get very little fan fare in the HIV forum I visit because I am straight and I think perhaps here it may be the same because of HIV.

 

Just so you know we are both very clean (lol) looking.

 

...that you are in fact clean looking... and I suppose that you are responsible enough to be open to tests and or concerns from the doctors... I am also concerned about all the medication she's taking... My daughter is presently pregnant and she won't even take an aspirine or a glass of wine...

 

But anyway, it's your own life, you can make the choices you want... but I still disagree with having a child if the chances are high for him to be born HIV positive and if no tests are done to detect this...but this is me.

[ritamae]

Do you have an inability to turn off the thoughts or be able to rationalize them in any way? I recently had this happen to me. There were so many negative thoughts floating through my brain I could not carry on normally with my day. I started Wellbutrin last week and WHAT A DIFFERENCE! Right away I noticed it.

 

As far as 2 HIV positive adults having a baby - I only worry that you will not be around long enough to support the child through the rough years. Maybe that is nieve of me. Maybe things have changed and nobody dies from AIDS. I do not pay that much attention - I know I should as I have a teen headed right into sex.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am afraid someone with the great body that I once had will come along and sweep her off her feet.

I don't know if this perspective is of any use to you, but most EVERYONE is insecure about their body. Recovering from a debilitating illness is not required for insecurity, it's readily available to all of us . I've always had muscular and toned legs, but have never been able to achieve the chest and bicep definition I've wanted. I'm self-conscious at the beach for that reason and could easily think that my wife would think that other guys look more "manly". Fortunately, my spouse never makes me feel that way - she only has eyes for me

 

Why not relax and repond to the signals you new wife sends you? I suspect you already know what's in her heart and, as a newlywed and new father-to-be, you've more down-to-earth matters at hand. I'm glad things are going well for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dbtmarley]

...that you are in fact clean looking... and I suppose that you are responsible enough to be open to tests and or concerns from the doctors... I am also concerned about all the medication she's taking... My daughter is presently pregnant and she won't even take an aspirine or a glass of wine...

 

But anyway, it's your own life, you can make the choices you want... but I still disagree with having a child if the chances are high for him to be born HIV positive and if no tests are done to detect this...but this is me.

 

The clean looking comment just came from my experience when people find out that I'm positive and tell me "You don't look dirty!" which I generally comment that I still take showers daily...but I digress.

 

As far as the antivirals causing harm to the fetus.. that again is not an issue here. No your daughter should not take aspirin during her pregnancy... if she must take something for pain it should be tylenol. Even I know that.

 

Someone mentioned the issue of mortality and possibly having the child be parentless. While there is no cure it has become a somewhat manageable disease for those recently infected like myself because of the therapies, albeit with side effects.

 

As long as I do not get hit by that bus my doctor tells me about I think I'll live to see her through college.

 

I really just hate the way I view myself really. The weight issue just plain sucks. I equate being a thin guy to how a woman feels about being over weight.

[bab]

dbt--

 

First off, Congrats on the new marriage!! :love:

And the coming baby! :bunny:

 

 

I imagine that when someone finds out that they have a disease such as HIV, their perspective on life changes. I'm guessing that your prioritizes change. I suspect that the physical appearance of a potential spouse falls lower on the priorities.

 

You also stated that your wife has dated guys that were not HIV positive before. I'm sure that they tried to be as understanding and sympathetic as they could. But the fact of the matter is that you are the only guy that she's dated that doest just try to understand what her life is like, you DO understand. Being fully understood is a basic human desire, and you come much closer to fufilling that in your wife than any of her previous relationships.

 

In addition you've gained 15lbs since she fell in love with you, so you've only improved your appearance, so there should be some confidence in the fact that she chose you at 120, then you've got at minimum 15 lbs of cushioning before you should even think she isn't attracted to you.

 

Lastly, but probably most important, from just the few posts on this thread, I already can tell you are a wonderful catch. Some people are throwing some pretty harsh undeserved words and sentiment your way. You responded, not in anger or defense, but with respect. You didn't attack, which I must admit I doubt I could've had the same reaction. At the same time, you didn't apologize for your decisions as a father. The ability to neither attacks nor apologize when challenged is a rare an and admirable quality. I'm incredibly impressed with you. This ability is one that would make the posseser incredibly attractive in my eyes, and I'm betting on in your wife's eyes as well.

 

While women do consider a man's looks, it is not to the same degree as men consider the look of a woman. You've got the characteristics that a woman would find most attractive, so I highly doubt you are in any danger of losing your wife.

 

On a side note, when I met my H, his body type was not what I went for. But when I met him and fell in love with him, that all changed. Now the guys that look the hottest to me are the ones that look the most like him. It's one of those "girl" things that we do. I bet your wife thinks you are way way sexier than any of those other guys she's dated before.

[dbtmarley]

Babs,

 

Thanks for the congradulations:). All the points you have brought up are being digested and while they should probably be obvious to me you can tell they have not. Reading your words did bring things into perspective. Thank you:).

 

Ritamae,

 

I have thought about going back on anti depressants. I was on them after I was diagnosed and stopped after taking them for about 4 months. I have tried Wellbutrin DL. It did work and I also noticed the ability to focus more.

 

 

I do appreciate everyones input about it all.... Honestly, I really do!

[sb129]

when I met my H, his body type was not what I went for. But when I met him and fell in love with him, that all changed. Now the guys that look the hottest to me are the ones that look the most like him. It's one of those "girl" things that we do. I bet your wife thinks you are way way sexier than any of those other guys she's dated before.

 

Me too. Thats how I feel about wonderboy.

 

dbt- I really hope it works out for you. It sounds like you guys will be wonderful parents, and I am sure you are a great husband.

I think you need to give yourself a little more credit!

 

Good luck!

[ridingthebulls]

ps: I don't agree with you two having children though eventhough you say there is less than 1% of chance....it's still 1%... and no child deserves that. She should have gone for an abortion. but that's me...

 

 

 

You wanna cry over spilt milk? How is this any helpful when what is done is done? Senseless! No child deserves a whiny negative grandma either and I bet you will be one!

[princssangl0204]

To get an amnio-synthese test first...and if the child had HIV then to get an abortion... but you're right... the test should be done first. I forgot to mention that.

 

I don't think he was asking your opinion on his reproductive rights....... I don't see anything wrong with wanting a family HIV positive or not.even if the baby falls into the 1% who contract HIV that doesn't mean the child can't live a long and meaningful life. I don't want to make this into an abortion debate...... but I thought I would put this out there. Just because a child isn't what society deems perfect doesn't make them disposable. There are people in the world that are prepared and capable of loving and taking care of a special needs child which he seems to be. If you were in the same circumstances and that was your choice that is ok but it doesn't mean someone else has to do what you would do.

 

Just for the record good for you.... I think it is wonderful that you want a child.....

 

 

as for your insecurities, Nothing in life is guaranteed. The effect HIV is having on your body has noting to do with it. You could be a 6ft tall totally buffed out guy in perfect health and your wife could still leave you. I think you should focus more on the fact that she fell in love with you for who you are and has decided to make a family with you. I don't think your giving her enough credit.

 

I also think you should tell her how your feeling. she may be able to relieve your insecurities far better then a message board can. I am all about open communication, it really is the key to a happy marriage.

[dbtmarley]

I don't think he was asking your opinion on his reproductive rights....... I don't see anything wrong with wanting a family HIV positive or not.even if the baby falls into the 1% who contract HIV that doesn't mean the child can't live a long and meaningful life. I don't want to make this into an abortion debate...... but I thought I would put this out there. Just because a child isn't what society deems perfect doesn't make them disposable. There are people in the world that are prepared and capable of loving and taking care of a special needs child which he seems to be. If you were in the same circumstances and that was your choice that is ok but it doesn't mean someone else has to do what you would do.

 

Just for the record good for you.... I think it is wonderful that you want a child.....

 

 

as for your insecurities, Nothing in life is guaranteed. The effect HIV is having on your body has noting to do with it. You could be a 6ft tall totally buffed out guy in perfect health and your wife could still leave you. I think you should focus more on the fact that she fell in love with you for who you are and has decided to make a family with you. I don't think your giving her enough credit.

 

I also think you should tell her how your feeling. she may be able to relieve your insecurities far better then a message board can. I am all about open communication, it really is the key to a happy marriage.

 

 

You are 100% correct. We have discussed the emotions and thoughts I was going through. We had a very matter of fact discussion on that and I expressed how my fears were driving my insecurities. I have a great woman who has never given me reason to doubt.. none what so ever. I also know that with things as they are and both of us in such great health that I really want to enjoy these days because essentially we are not guaranteed to feel this way forever. I sure as hell don't want to be a dark cloud when everything has been so sunny. I have a great woman and I think I need to realize that.

 

I am all about open communication, it really is the key to a happy marriage

 

Could not agree with you more. I am glad I posted about it first though... kind of put things in perspective for me and allowed me to address what needed to be addressed and at the same time take accountability.

 

I don't think you're giving her enough credit

 

You know what? You're right... I was not.

 

 

Thanks for the reply princssangl!

 

Thomas

[princssangl0204]

no problem

[sb129]

Good to hear you talked about it dbtmarley!

 

Good for you!

[SunnySideUp]

PS Lizzie, no offense, but I think your comment about abortion was a little callous.

There is 1% (or in some cases greater) chance that ANY child can be born with a variety of different problems due to many different risk factors, but we don't tell everyone who gets pregnant under less than optimal circumstances to abort their child.

 

I second this. There is now a 1 in 4 chance your male child may be on the Autism Spectrum of disorders. There is a 1-3 in 1000 chance that your child will suffer lack of oxygen during birth resulting in a severe brain injury, which happened to my son. S*** happens.