1Stupidgirl Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Hello all. I just wanted to see how other people felt about this. One day I looked at my boyfriend/fiances emails. I know I shouldn't have invaded his privacy, but at the time I wanted reassurance that I didn't have anything to worry about. I have some major self esteem issues. Anyway, I found some emails to a woman in which he talked about hoping one day they could be more than friends...I also found out that he had met her (and her sister) one evening (while we were together), but based on the emails it never went any further. I confronted him about some of the things I saw and he told me that they had met before he had met me and that from the start she said she only wanted to be friends. He said it was just joking between them about becoming more than friends. After I told him what I read (I didn't even tell him I knew they had seen each other), he told her the situation and assured me that he wouldn't continue even talking to her. He told me that she was way out of his league from the time they met (before me). He apoligized for not telling me about her, and I accepted his apology. This was last fall and I don't know how (or if I should) to stop dwelling on this. I have checked his mail recently and have found nothing out of order. One final note: he still has his favorites folders on the side of his screen and still has a dating folder with dating sites (I have said nothing-yet). Any advice on how to get past this or other advice would be greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 You have "issues" so it's OK to invade your BF's emails and use what you have read to confront him? I hope he has the good sense to throw you out with the empty beer bottles! The problem with being a devious spy is that often you find things you didn't want to. I see this all the time on LS. Mostly women, reading mail, email, checking phones, keylogging computers.... I can't imagine a man wanting anything to do with a woman who did that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
ollie Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Dump him hunni. If this guy is engaged to you then you should have no secrets. You can read his mail and look his phone as much as you want. Why should he get angry if theres nothing to hide. My girlfriend and i have ISSUES too. Yet i don't have anything to hide and her from me so its no problem if she looks at my e-mail or i look at her texts. get it? your supposed to be getting married at some point , joined as one , so no secrets should be more important than your love. If i look at dating sites and porn then i can tell my Girlfriend i looked. those are normal things to look at in the net, especially for guys but when he is hiding something from you then he is up to something. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 You have "issues" so it's OK to invade your BF's emails and use what you have read to confront him? I hope he has the good sense to throw you out with the empty beer bottles! The problem with being a devious spy is that often you find things you didn't want to. I see this all the time on LS. Mostly women, reading mail, email, checking phones, keylogging computers.... I can't imagine a man wanting anything to do with a woman who did that stuff. it's OK for men to sneak around behind their gf/wife's back...but it's not OK for her to sneak around on him? Double standard. This is a funny post! Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 it's OK for men to sneak around behind their gf/wife's back...but it's not OK for her to sneak around on him? Double standard. This is a funny post! I agree. It was wrong of her to snoop sure, and she did admit she had self esteem issues. However, her suspicion was correct. So what he was doing was really no better. To the OP,it might be best to call it quits. He can't be trusted. He'll see it as you can't be trusted for snooping, and the other thing is,it might be best to work on yourself and esteem issues before getting into another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 Perhaps the OP checked in on him not really because of her self-esteem, but maybe something just told her she should, aside from insecurities. Look what she found, so in my opinion its a good thing she did. "Stupidgirl" of course your still dwelling, because it's hard to trust someone after finding out a secret they've been keeping from you. You have every reason/right to feel a little uneasy. Ask him about the dating site folder. You have every right to know why or if he uses them, if he's your fiance he shouldn't need them at all, that's for sure. It seems sincere that he doesn't talk to "the woman" anymore, but I don't believe that line about "joking around" about being more than friends...not a common thing to "joke" about. And although he could be telling the truth about that one person, it doesn't represent whatever else he might be up to. And now that you've busted him with email, that's probably why it was clean last time you checked -- he knows better now. He could have easily set up another way to communicate with women. I hate to sound pessimistic, but your post gives me a reason to be. You won't like this idea, but it might be a good idea to just give him the free oppourtunity to tell you the truth; this doesn't mean he will tell you, in fact he will probably deny, deny, deny, either way he can't be trusted, marrying him is probably not wise at this point...sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1Stupidgirl Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 Thank you all for your opinions. I really appreciate it. Lakeside, I apologized to him for looking at the emails before I even told him what I saw. I knew it was wrong. You didn't say anything that I haven't already told myself. I'm not blaming the fact that I looked on my issues, I looked period...The only reason I even looked again was because we had a big talk and he told me that everything should be wide open. He said if there was a reason to suspect something either way we should make sure our suspicions are unfounded. I checked not out of suspicion, but to see if he was sincere in his way of thinking (for example taking off the password protection). I don't know if he has other email accounts or not, if he does I'm not interested in reading anything further. If he wants someone else he knows he's free to go... Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 He said if there was a reason to suspect something either way we should make sure our suspicions are unfounded. Unfounded as in if one suspects somethign of the other make sure its not found out? If he wants someone else he knows he's free to go... So by you staying with him, and leaving that choice up to him, do you really think he will go? Or do you think he will stay and stop what he was doing, or just cover his tracks better now that you know? Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 6, 2007 Share Posted June 6, 2007 I can't believe you didn't get annoyed when he said that she was "out of his league". That is a bit of an insult to you.... every other woman in the world should be inferior to the woman he is going to marry. Thats just my opinion. if there is this much reason for suspicion this early on, it doesn't bode well for the future. Your insecurities are not going to be laid to rest, and he now knows that he can get away with a certain amount of behaviour. Sorry if I sound harsh, but you really need to work this out before you get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1Stupidgirl Posted June 6, 2007 Author Share Posted June 6, 2007 I know logically that you all are right, I just wish he didn't put me in this position...I just feel like when I forgave him (and he forgave me) I relinquished all my rights to ever bring up this situation again. I drive him crazy now seeking reassurance, and he always says he's not looking for anyone else and that he wouldn't have proposed to me if he did. We don't plan to marry any time soon so maybe time will tell....Thank you all for your advice! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 it's OK for men to sneak around behind their gf/wife's back...but it's not OK for her to sneak around on him? Double standard. This is a funny post! No double standard. I am against men sneaking and cheating as well. It disgusts me when a man cheats, just as it does when a woman does. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 I can't believe you didn't get annoyed when he said that she was "out of his league". That is a bit of an insult to you.... every other woman in the world should be inferior to the woman he is going to marry. Thats just my opinion. if there is this much reason for suspicion this early on, it doesn't bode well for the future. Your insecurities are not going to be laid to rest, and he now knows that he can get away with a certain amount of behaviour. Sorry if I sound harsh, but you really need to work this out before you get married. Yeah I agree 100%... what kind of guy tells his woman.. that another woman was out of his league... but... hey you'll do?? Real nice.. sb129...you were not being harsh...just realistic Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 If she's out of his league... and YOU are not... what does that tell you about how he feels about you??????? You do have a self-esteem issue, if you took that without a word. Are you settling? Settling is not necessarily a "bad" thing, but it is definitely not something you can do permanently. It is no fun to settle, think about it. How long are you going to commit to this relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 If she's out of his league... and YOU are not... what does that tell you about how he feels about you??????? You do have a self-esteem issue, if you took that without a word. NO KIDDING. That part jumped off the screen!! Like SB said, every other women in the world should be inferior to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1Stupidgirl Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 Well, he didn't use the words "she was out of my league", but he told me how they weren't compatible because she had been educated in Europe, spoke multiple languages, had a wonderful job, was basically perfect in every way (when of course I know it was her who just wanted to be friends)... I was livid when he said that and said well I can't live up to that so if that's what you need or want move on... Link to post Share on other sites
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