Validation/Acceptance/Sense of Self/More/Discuss

[beautifulearth83]

Hello Everybody,

 

I'm looking for some people who can speak from experience or from magical premature wisdom. lol, well I'm not gripping onto those standards but it was a swell way to start this off.

 

I'm 24, I'm still a boy and I'm starting to take notice to a lot more of what I do, the world I live in, and how I affect it. I'm not sure that I want to get into a whole auto-biography here, but I'd like to mention some things that I feel have been holding me back, whether I've ever realized it in the past or not.

 

I think a lot. I think deep. I think of the many possibilities and outcomes of things. I think about how everything affects everything else. I think about what other people are thinking. I even think about what I'm thinking. I've seen good things come out of it. I've also seen not so good things come out of it.

 

Anyway, I'm at a point where I'm trying to make better decisions, be more productive and creative, and a little more mellow and go with the flow like I remember myself being. I know that it's inside me but I've lately been so affected. In the midst of this quarter-life confusion, I've somehow convinced myself that I'm behind my friends, or have lost my way. Many times when I want to do something or think about something, I get the voice of various friends in my head, as if I couldn't do it without them, or for their approval. I feel a lack of self and power when this happens. It's like I've given myself reputations with my various friends and I constantly think of how they view me or how they accept the steps that I make in life. I have trouble doing things that I've had certain friends tell me to do, because I feel like I'm not doing it for myself and with conviction and all my might, but because I have something to prove. I give the other person all the credit and say that it was only made possible because of them. I've distanced myself from many social situations and such and never had much of a problem. But these days I'm starting to see how much of a blessing those things can be. Yet now I feel like I'm playing catchup. And I hold myself to these damn reputations and I tell myself that other people are holding me to the reputations. It makes it so hard to improve. Heck, people probably think better than I'm making it out to be, and I'm just here cutting myself short. It's sad. But anyway, I've had a strong yearning lately to start over, to redefine. But I'm thinking so much about how far I've come and how far I have to go. To me, friends appear to be moving at a fine pace, not distracted or affected. I just don't feel as connected to all of them as I used to. And I try to communicate, but these days I feel it's just all about not letting people know when you're unhappy and not showing weakness. What ever happens to being lost together and finding your way together, being insightful with each other. I don't know, I can't get myself to just blame everything around me, because I know that I have work to do. I just suppose It would be nice to be understood by more peers. To feel more in touch and graceful.

 

Any thoughts, advice, open minds, rambling, insights, photos of sea creatures would be much appreciated.

 

Thank you sincerely

[Green]

whats the deal, u dont have a bachelors degree? U make less then 40k a year? living in a place your family pays for? Havnt acomplished anything that you get to brag to yourself about? Never had a real romance? Never been on an adventure? A little board with life? some of the before written? all of the above... Well you sound like a procrastinator who is in their head to much. look even if you friends are ahead of you acording to some arbitrary ranking scale, you need to do whats right for you and learn the lesson that you live life day by day dont sacrifice the moment with your thoughts of the future. You need to learn how to build bridges and move through time with out getting stuck in your magical mind warps.

[beautifulearth83]

whats the deal, u dont have a bachelors degree? U make less then 40k a year? living in a place your family pays for? Havnt acomplished anything that you get to brag to yourself about? Never had a real romance? Never been on an adventure? A little board with life? some of the before written? all of the above... Well you sound like a procrastinator who is in their head to much. look even if you friends are ahead of you acording to some arbitrary ranking scale, you need to do whats right for you and learn the lesson that you live life day by day dont sacrifice the moment with your thoughts of the future. You need to learn how to build bridges and move through time with out getting stuck in your magical mind warps.

 

Thanks for your words. I certainly agree with building bridges and moving through time. Arbitrary is a good word too. Thanks for bringing it to light.

[lindya]

It's easy to see other people - even friends - as sideline critics who are preoccupied with your successes and failures, but people are generally a bit more self-absorbed than that. Even when people talk about you, whether it's complimentary or vindictive gossip, they're often not as riveted by emotionally invested in what they're hearing/saying as it might appear. Which is why 99.9% of the time, people who make a drama about whatever others think/say about them are over-reacting.

 

The reputation other people want to ascribe to you really doesn't need to matter that much unless you start buying into it yourself. It's when you get overly preoccupied with your own reputation that the process of being, for want of a better term, a less authentic person sets in. In that situation, you're bound to feel less conviction. You also open yourself up to other people's control. Constantly thinking about the image others have/might have of you is a bit of a paralysing activity that hinders action and creativity.

 

Personally I try to work towards that balance whereby the people I like and respect know I value their opinions - but that they also know when to wind up their delivery of those opinions and let me just get on with what I want to do.

[monkey00]

There will always be a risk factor in any action you do. as you've probably heard "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

 

By analyzing everything every step of the way before you actually do it, limits your potential greatly. It's good to do it once in awhile (especially in dangerous situations), but when it comes to normal risk taking like an ambition or moving towards success it's easier to go with the flow.

 

Is there some kind of fear (other than friend's validations) that's holding you back from doing what you want?

 

There's no problem with thinking deeply, it only becomes a problem if you do that more than making actions. And also there's a major difference between procrastination, and worrisome thinking.

[quankanne]

And I hold myself to these damn reputations and I tell myself that other people are holding me to the reputations. It makes it so hard to improve.…. To me, friends appear to be moving at a fine pace, not distracted or affected. I just don't feel as connected to all of them as I used to. And I try to communicate, but these days I feel it's just all about not letting people know when you're unhappy and not showing weakness.

 

sounds like you've got it in your head that your friends see you a certain way and won't "allow" you to grow or mature naturally. That is probably true when you're in middle school or high school, but as you mature, they mature too, and start becoming less rigid in their beliefs of what or who you "are" and more accepting. My guess at this point, they've discovered that the most desirable quality in your friendship is that they can rely on you. To help if help is need, to make them laugh when things are crappy, etc.

 

I think once you get past the mindset that relationships are static, and allow yourself to breathe and grow, you'll notice that your friendships also breathe and grow and that you don't have to be stuck in some definition you've given them, or they you, long ago. The folks who cannot accept the change most likely aren't true friends, because by its definition, a friendship grows and accomodates to changes in people's lives.

[beautifulearth83]

I'd like to thank all of you whom have responded so far for your thoughts. I took a little breather and some moments out of town. I brought some of the thoughts with me and they helped, so thanks again.

[beautifulearth83]

Is there some kind of fear (other than friend's validations) that's holding you back from doing what you want?

 

This question raises a good amount of thoughts and yes I believe there may be.

[knaveman]

I don't want to sound preachy or anything like that because I hate those people too. You sound a lot like I used to be. It took until I was thirty-one before I found any...answers I guess. Zen Buddhism and meditation have seriously changed my thought process from one that was much like yours to one that is entirely my own.

 

Aside from that, however, know that you are always your own worst critic and you have no one to please but yourself.

[lonelybird]

beautifulearth83

 

I understand what you feel. I had that kind of feeling long ago. It's like others and society draw many squares and circles, and expect you to fit in it. It is ton of pressure and bondage. You can be free from that

 

We all have that period to find *ourselves*, our core values as a human being, who are we, this is a very important issue. If we put our eyes on others and others opinions, we lost ourselves easily and left a empty shell.

 

That's why I love Jesus Christ so much:love:. HE really set me free, free from others opinions, society expections, bondages and pressures. On this earth nobody can love me like Jesus does.

 

For example, your friends, they are friends, but also they are imperfect human beings, they can make mistakes, they would do things that suit themselves and hurt your feelings. If there are 5 friends, there are 5 opinions, CAN you suit all these opinions to just for please them? But now, I don't know if you know Jesus, if you know him, he is living inside of you. You were confused by so many opinions before, but now you just listen to Jesus Lord. He will make your original personality shine through, which God made you for. Yes, God made ONE you, if you find your position in Jesus Christ, you find You. Listen to your heart.

[sockpuppet]

All I can say is that could've been me writing that original post.

 

I'm 22, and I'm in the same place...some people go through this earlier than others, some people only go part way and have to work on it over time.

 

For me, I feel like this is the culmination of years of being a way I haven't necessarily been happy with, but been able to 'get away with' until recently, when real-world responsibilities and my own discontent have forced me to confront them.

 

I don't want to hijack your thread, so maybe if you want to go into more detail about how things are for you and what you've been doing, send me a PM.

[disgracian]

I think that age is prone to such introspection, I experienced something similar. The most constructive thing you can attempt to do is to come to know yourself and, in doing so, become comfortable with who you are.

 

The external pressures you describe seem to revolve around a perceived lack of accomplishment or fulfillment. I can tell you that I don't go around busying myself by judging my friends and placing expectations on them, and neither does anybody I know. So, chances are your friends aren't doing this either.

 

Comparing yourself to others is a recipe for dissatisfaction. As the saying goes, the grass always seems greener on the other side. More likely than not, they too are full of worries, doubts and insecurities that they hide from the rest of the world behind a screen of confidence. Most people do this. So in that sense they are very much the same as you.

 

It sounds to me as though you are thinking to yourself thoughts along the lines of "There must be more to life than this..." and that's true indeed. And, as we have already seen, there will be no shortage of people who will be glad to tell you what it is. They'll tell you that meditation/Jesus/Oprah has all the answers. My advice: don't listen to them. Investigate if you are curious, but don't follow down the path unless it really resonates with you, because ultimately you'll find it wanting if you're carried along by the enthusiasm or the presentational skills of others, and by then it will be very hard to break free.

 

Cheers,

D.

[CaliGuy]

Sounds like you are seeking the approval of your friends instead of within. Once you learn to seek approval from within, changes will happen in your life. Changes that will seem uncomfortable at first. The friends whom enjoyed having some control over your life (having too much influence) will go away and will be replaced by friends who accept you as you are.

 

You definitely have to stop caring what others think about you. "A man who loves himself will have no rivals." - Benjamin Franklin.

 

Learn to love who you are and you won't care what others think about you. That's not to say "be a jerk" that is simply to say unless you love and accept who you are you can not expect others to love and accept you for who you are.

 

And the less "friends" you have around you who judge you the better off you will be.

[beautifulearth83]

I don't want to sound preachy or anything like that because I hate those people too. You sound a lot like I used to be. It took until I was thirty-one before I found any...answers I guess. Zen Buddhism and meditation have seriously changed my thought process from one that was much like yours to one that is entirely my own.

 

Aside from that, however, know that you are always your own worst critic and you have no one to please but yourself.

 

Thank you, I've had a bit of interest in zen buddhism, any favorite books or links/good reads to share?

[beautifulearth83]

beautifulearth83

 

I understand what you feel. I had that kind of feeling long ago. It's like others and society draw many squares and circles, and expect you to fit in it. It is ton of pressure and bondage. You can be free from that

 

We all have that period to find *ourselves*, our core values as a human being, who are we, this is a very important issue. If we put our eyes on others and others opinions, we lost ourselves easily and left a empty shell.

 

That's why I love Jesus Christ so much:love:. HE really set me free, free from others opinions, society expections, bondages and pressures. On this earth nobody can love me like Jesus does.

 

For example, your friends, they are friends, but also they are imperfect human beings, they can make mistakes, they would do things that suit themselves and hurt your feelings. If there are 5 friends, there are 5 opinions, CAN you suit all these opinions to just for please them? But now, I don't know if you know Jesus, if you know him, he is living inside of you. You were confused by so many opinions before, but now you just listen to Jesus Lord. He will make your original personality shine through, which God made you for. Yes, God made ONE you, if you find your position in Jesus Christ, you find You. Listen to your heart.

 

Thanks lonelybird for the kind words and what you've shared. You speak with good hope.

[beautifulearth83]

All I can say is that could've been me writing that original post.

 

I'm 22, and I'm in the same place...some people go through this earlier than others, some people only go part way and have to work on it over time.

 

For me, I feel like this is the culmination of years of being a way I haven't necessarily been happy with, but been able to 'get away with' until recently, when real-world responsibilities and my own discontent have forced me to confront them.

 

I don't want to hijack your thread, so maybe if you want to go into more detail about how things are for you and what you've been doing, send me a PM.

 

I relate to a lot of what you just mentioned. Like getting away with being a certain way, being forced to confront it. Perhaps realizing that we are not perfect? Realizing which traits about us we'd like to leave behind and wish we'd want to keep. Or perhaps wishing to embrace them all.

 

No worries about hijacking, but I may PM you soon anyway.

[beautifulearth83]

To Disgracian and CaliGuy, thanks for your posts. Just want everybody to know that I've given their input the attention. I do have to love myself more again, and accept my actions of the past and not fear the future so much. I hope I'm correct in saying that I'm just 24 and I still have plenty of time without it feeling like a justification.

[disgracian]

I'm 28 and it's still an ongoing process for me. I don't know that it ever really stops either.

 

Cheers,

D.

[knaveman]

Zen and the Art of Happiness by Chris Prentiss

 

This is the one that got me started.

[sockpuppet]

I relate to a lot of what you just mentioned. Like getting away with being a certain way, being forced to confront it. Perhaps realizing that we are not perfect? Realizing which traits about us we'd like to leave behind and wish we'd want to keep. Or perhaps wishing to embrace them all.

 

No worries about hijacking, but I may PM you soon anyway.

 

In my case, I've just felt kind of dead inside for a while, as cliche as it sounds. Along with this, very repressed too. The more time has passed, the more I've realized how much this has impacted me. There was a point when I felt like such an outsider, that I just totally lost myself and no longer cared about anyone or anything the way I used to. I've been longing to live without regrets, and without thinking about things deeply like you mentioned, but I've been holding myself back and it's very frustrating.

 

I don't know how it is for you exactly, but I know that being in the state of mind I'm in now is even more difficult, because I know I want to change and just LET GO of all this stupid baggage and weight, but feel like I can't, and every day that passes I feel is another one where I haven't lived fully.

[beautifulearth83]

In my case, I've just felt kind of dead inside for a while, as cliche as it sounds. Along with this, very repressed too. The more time has passed, the more I've realized how much this has impacted me. There was a point when I felt like such an outsider, that I just totally lost myself and no longer cared about anyone or anything the way I used to. I've been longing to live without regrets, and without thinking about things deeply like you mentioned, but I've been holding myself back and it's very frustrating.

 

I don't know how it is for you exactly, but I know that being in the state of mind I'm in now is even more difficult, because I know I want to change and just LET GO of all this stupid baggage and weight, but feel like I can't, and every day that passes I feel is another one where I haven't lived fully.

 

I relate to a great amount of what you've mentioned. I often feel like everything it takes to feel better is really so close and right there, or somewhere inside, but something won't let me enjoy it fully like I used to. But that comes and goes too. I get on a high for a few days sometimes, and things are on the right track, but then there is something new that my mind comes up with to spoil it all. So that's back to the whole loving ourselves more again.

 

I'm also believing that sustaining a good sense of wonder is important. Being able to just sit and look at the sky or something and get the feeling that there is so much to see and explore and ideas to share and people to meet. I don't see why it's so difficult to do all of that right now.

[beautifulearth83]

SOCK PUPPET!

 

I tried sending you a PM but it says you don't have them turned on. Mine weren't on either, wonder if I've missed some interesting messages in the past...

[dvsxx6]

 

I think a lot. I think deep. I think of the many possibilities and outcomes of things. I think about how everything affects everything else. I think about what other people are thinking. I even think about what I'm thinking. I've seen good things come out of it. I've also seen not so good things come out of it.

 

It's easy to get caught up in what other people are thinking, but hey... who died and put THEM in charge? Sure we all yearn for the need to be accepted, but there's no way you can possibly know what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Unless they're overly obvious about their body language or if they actually say something to you. But in reality, we really don't know what other people are thinking because we all wear social masks. We put on a happy/brave face even when we're having the crappiest days. We live in a society that doesn't accept weakness because it's a dog eat dog world, which is killing us. Excessive thinking is something that I sometimes struggle with too, and it's so hard because you want to be yourself, yet you're also living for other people. How's that farir for you? You have a mind of your own, and you are entitled to whatever you work hard for, your personal values, your ability to live, think, or just whatever you want to do. You shouldn't be responsible for other people's feelings. That's waaaay too much of a burden for you, and life is hard enough! hehe. I think the more attention you give something [your negative feelings], the more they'll haunt you. They'll follow you and your mind would just be tuned into "what you're doing wrong, how you SHOULD be doing things, what OTHERS expect of you", etc. You shouldn't HAVE to do things, who says you SHOULD? i think that you're putting too much pressure on yourself, and you don't have to. Everyone is insecure, everyone makes mistakes and you have to forgive yourself if you didn't do something you should've done in a certain situation. Or if you didn't say "the right thing" to someone at a certain time. you have to be yourself, trust yourself in your decision making, make sure that you're not putting yourself in a dangerous situation, and then execute.

 

Anyway, I'm at a point where I'm trying to make better decisions, be more productive and creative, and a little more mellow and go with the flow like I remember myself being. I know that it's inside me but I've lately been so affected. In the midst of this quarter-life confusion, I've somehow convinced myself that I'm behind my friends, or have lost my way. Many times when I want to do something or think about something, I get the voice of various friends in my head, as if I couldn't do it without them, or for their approval. I feel a lack of self and power when this happens. It's like I've given myself reputations with my various friends and I constantly think of how they view me or how they accept the steps that I make in life. I have trouble doing things that I've had certain friends tell me to do, because I feel like I'm not doing it for myself and with conviction and all my might, but because I have something to prove.

 

I'm wondering, did your friends do something to make you feel this way or is it simply because you feel behind? You shouldn't feel behind, who says so? People say you're "supposed" to graduate from college when you're like what, 22 or 23? Everyone goes at their own pace. I mean, I'm in college now, and there are still 30 or 45 year old people in my classes. And there's NOTHING wrong w/ that! I'm saying that everyone does their own thing, and though your friends may have taken a different path, that doesn't mean you're behind or their ahead. Everyone is different and comparing yourself to others is a neverending viscious cycle. I sometimes do it too, and we shouldn't do that.

 

If it's your friends that are the problem, they should be uplifting you, not making you feel badly about yourself. Those aren't friends! Those are what I call fly-bys. People you probably won't know in the next 10 years, who are just there for the time being. I'm not saying people are disposable, but because we're young, we're going to meet a LOT of people in our life. Some friendships aren't meant to be forever because not everything works out. I'm not tryin to be pessimistic, just realistic. Though I am the type of person who treasures every friendship I have. But I came to terms with not everything working out, which is totally okay. You shouldn't give your power away to people because then they'll know which buttons to push, and then you'll feel inferior. Nobody is better than you are. But if you make them feel superior, they will ultimately make you feel like you're less of a person than they are. Don't give up, I know how you're feeling and it's frustrating because life is full of uncertainties. And it does take time to weed the good people/friends from the bad but you must stay strong and not get caught up in your thinking. The way I tell myself is "Deal, don't dwell". Nobody knows what'll happen in the future, but to dwell on what may or may not happen, how things are going to turn out.. well, nobody really has no control over it. I think the best way would be to be yourself always, don't let people dominate who you are, and develop a stronger sense of self. I read the Dr. Phil book "Self Matters" and I'm not sure if you're into that kind of thing, but through that book you're able to discover why people do certain things, how you need YOU, and how to be the BEST you. Good luck with everything. I know this post was made in June, but I felt compelled to share my input with you.

 

Take care, Aloha

DvS

[beautifulearth83]

It's easy to get caught up in what other people are thinking, but hey... who died and put THEM in charge? Sure we all yearn for the need to be accepted, but there's no way you can possibly know what they are thinking and how they are feeling. Unless they're overly obvious about their body language or if they actually say something to you. But in reality, we really don't know what other people are thinking because we all wear social masks. We put on a happy/brave face even when we're having the crappiest days. We live in a society that doesn't accept weakness because it's a dog eat dog world, which is killing us. Excessive thinking is something that I sometimes struggle with too, and it's so hard because you want to be yourself, yet you're also living for other people. How's that farir for you? You have a mind of your own, and you are entitled to whatever you work hard for, your personal values, your ability to live, think, or just whatever you want to do. You shouldn't be responsible for other people's feelings. That's waaaay too much of a burden for you, and life is hard enough! hehe. I think the more attention you give something [your negative feelings], the more they'll haunt you. They'll follow you and your mind would just be tuned into "what you're doing wrong, how you SHOULD be doing things, what OTHERS expect of you", etc. You shouldn't HAVE to do things, who says you SHOULD? i think that you're putting too much pressure on yourself, and you don't have to. Everyone is insecure, everyone makes mistakes and you have to forgive yourself if you didn't do something you should've done in a certain situation. Or if you didn't say "the right thing" to someone at a certain time. you have to be yourself, trust yourself in your decision making, make sure that you're not putting yourself in a dangerous situation, and then execute.

 

 

 

I'm wondering, did your friends do something to make you feel this way or is it simply because you feel behind? You shouldn't feel behind, who says so? People say you're "supposed" to graduate from college when you're like what, 22 or 23? Everyone goes at their own pace. I mean, I'm in college now, and there are still 30 or 45 year old people in my classes. And there's NOTHING wrong w/ that! I'm saying that everyone does their own thing, and though your friends may have taken a different path, that doesn't mean you're behind or their ahead. Everyone is different and comparing yourself to others is a neverending viscious cycle. I sometimes do it too, and we shouldn't do that.

 

If it's your friends that are the problem, they should be uplifting you, not making you feel badly about yourself. Those aren't friends! Those are what I call fly-bys. People you probably won't know in the next 10 years, who are just there for the time being. I'm not saying people are disposable, but because we're young, we're going to meet a LOT of people in our life. Some friendships aren't meant to be forever because not everything works out. I'm not tryin to be pessimistic, just realistic. Though I am the type of person who treasures every friendship I have. But I came to terms with not everything working out, which is totally okay. You shouldn't give your power away to people because then they'll know which buttons to push, and then you'll feel inferior. Nobody is better than you are. But if you make them feel superior, they will ultimately make you feel like you're less of a person than they are. Don't give up, I know how you're feeling and it's frustrating because life is full of uncertainties. And it does take time to weed the good people/friends from the bad but you must stay strong and not get caught up in your thinking. The way I tell myself is "Deal, don't dwell". Nobody knows what'll happen in the future, but to dwell on what may or may not happen, how things are going to turn out.. well, nobody really has no control over it. I think the best way would be to be yourself always, don't let people dominate who you are, and develop a stronger sense of self. I read the Dr. Phil book "Self Matters" and I'm not sure if you're into that kind of thing, but through that book you're able to discover why people do certain things, how you need YOU, and how to be the BEST you. Good luck with everything. I know this post was made in June, but I felt compelled to share my input with you.

 

Take care, Aloha

DvS

 

Thank you very much for your post. I do have some progress associated with the initial post that I could add.

 

I'm discovering that there comes a time for a lot of people where they realize what they've done with their time so far, and further, what they want to do with the remainder of their time. Which probably isn't such a horrible position to be in.

 

I've noticed that in terms of me being concerned with any sort of self-reputation starts with me. Because I, like many others, want to be a better person.

 

I've depended on others for so long to validate my progress in doing so. Which perhaps is not so bad, depending on how natural it happens, having the right approach, and maybe at least having yourself to fall back on.

 

I have met many wonderful people, many whom I don't see or talk with enough. I've learned a lot about what sort of people and attitudes it's good to be around. I'm learning more about what sorts of situations and actions are healthy and which are not. But you can't live your life fully monitored all the time. Life needs that spontaneity and often needs to flow free.

 

What it comes down to, and perhaps you and others share this goal, is to make new and wonderful connections with others, to feel alive and part of something, to really be in touch and lead to good places, good states of mind, good feelings, open hearts and open minds, appreciating what you have, appreciating what the universe offers, etc.

 

Well thanks for your input and your good advice; and for allowing me the opportunity to update this.

[dvsxx6]

no prob for the advice. take care beautifulearth